One day at a time

I started PHP yesterday and it was a bit of a fiasco. I did OK at first with introducing myself and explaining why I am here (again since I did this group a few months ago). Another patient kept talking about her many suicide attempts, and I think that is when my mood dropped. I started staring at the scars on my wrist and thinking about cutting and thinking about drinking. At one point the therapist asked me something, and I had to admit I was distracted and hadn't heard what he was saying. After lunch, I could barely string together sentences. He asked about the depression and if I was thinking about suicide or self harm. I saw the psychiatrist and admitted to drinking the day I discharged. I got a lot of questions about my support system and me living alone and how I could be sure not to drink or hurt myself. I basically said I couldn't promise, only try. Then the therapist was saying the same things. I finally said we could discuss it after group because I was really uncomfortable. I told him I am having second thoughts about php. I had promised myself not to drink while doing outpatient, but that means part of me wants to quit so I can drink. I am not sure I want to be sober or even alive. I had to sit while the program director went through a safety assessment. He explained the situation, thankfully, because I was having trouble coming up with words. I did tell him that last time constantly having him express concern and recommend treatment made me more hopeless and that what they said yesterday made it sound like they don't think I can do this. They kept asking about calling my parents, and I explained that they have previously been upset to be contacted regarding my treatment and steps to keep me safe. So I am not letting anyone contact them. The program director wanted me to call and say I felt like cutting, but I refused. The therapist finally recommended I try to finish the week and not drink and come to group, and then on Friday decide if I want to continue or discharge. I agreed.

I left feeling worse. I started having suicidal thoughts. I spent the evening with my parents, so it was ok. I did cut but didn't drink. I didn't want to go to group today, but I'm here. Depression is still bad. I am writing this rather than eating lunch because I can't convince myself to eat the shitty hospital food. I have a feeling he's going to ask and I'm going to have to talk more about the eating disorder (I have mentioned it but not in much detail). I do have plans with my parents tonight. It's my 30th birthday, and we're going to see Rent. I hope to enjoy it despite my current mood. Tomorrow I will decide if I want to do group or choose relapse, since realistically I know discharging now is choosing to get worse. I am just not really thrilled with being alive or hopeful that things will improve. Today I will try not to think too much.