Guilt

I don't know if I should feel bad about this.  I got to work and the manager left before I could get a chance to talk to her. It left me feeling pretty anxious and hopeless. The night was stressful. I found a problem with a plate that was a pretty big deal. It would have been worse if not found now. Otherwise, there wasn't much to do.

At the end of the night, I did what I am feeling guilty about. I asked if he had heard anything more about my situation. I said that things have been getting worse. I mentioned getting 13 stitches last week. I am hoping it is enough to get him to understand the situation. I mentioned how I can't go directly to HR without them possibly realizing that he talked to me. I know this was manipulative. I either need permission to talk about things that I shouldn't know or for him to fucking deal with it. He said he will tell the manager tomorrow that I came to him about needing help. He seemed to understand my situation and told me that he would tell her if I could promise nothing would happen tonight. So I think he understands the significance of the self harm.

But I feel bad. I know how manipulative I can be, and I try not to do it. I try to be fair about how I handle things, but fair hasn't been working. Nobody is acknowledging that I shouldn't be waiting around to get help because of this. I shouldn't be forced to work indefinitely with the added stress of not officially knowing if I might lose my job. I need help if I am going to keep working. So I said what I maybe shouldn't have. I mentioned that I can't go to anyone without revealing what I shouldn't have been told. I mentioned the stitches to remind him that it is affecting me and to make someone understand that this is my life we are dealing with. My life is at stake not just my job. The problem (this I didn't say) is that I value my job more than my life. I care more about what they want me to do than I care about what I do to myself while waiting. I just really doubt my ability to keep myself functional for the foreseeable future without help. It usually has to be quite bad for me to question this, and I know that.

So I will see what happens tomorrow. I don't know if he will tell her exactly what I said about the stitches. I hope he does because I think she will understand the significance, and she will care more about speeding this along. He is the more passive person, but I think she will take action. In the past, when I told her I needed help, she scheduled for me to be off and get it. He has mostly said to let them know if I need it. I don't know if I will get called in tomorrow to talk or if it will happen Friday when I work. It's awkward because I still have no desire to explain the rest of this to my parents, so I have no explanation for what's taking so long. I feel bad, but I don't think telling them my job is at risk would help. So I will update tomorrow. Tonight I am really fighting the urge to try taking out the stitches. Not sure why..  other than just generally being crazy. I know it's a dumb idea.