Feeling lost

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what is going on. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do about it.

I went to IOP today. I finished the week. I talked more than usual, but I wasn't really feeling committed or motivated.. just ok. Then he showed up.

There was this patient inpatient that just made me uncomfortable. There was nothing really logical about it. I think it's a boundaries thing mostly, and there was just something I felt he wasn't saying. Normally if I was sitting alone reading, people left me alone or asked before talking to me. He would sit and talk endlessly to me. He would ask questions. I put up with it because there were scarier people who could sit at the table. He also would sit down at tables when I was sitting with other patients and start conversations. He didn't seem to acknowledge that we were already talking. He was one of 2 men like that.. although the other seemed to acknowledge that he was bothering me. He was there for illogical thinking according to him, but his behavior suggested something else. He talked about how he never wrote letters but had been writing several since inpatient. He was always writing. I felt like there was some paranoia or psychosis or something he wasn't acknowledging. He acted like he was perfectly fine.

Anyway, he showed up late to php. I was on edge. When the therapist asked us to introduce ourselves, he commented that he already knew me and had talked with me. When the therapist asked me (it was the education topic) about what I do for self care, I said nothing. The guy said that wasn't true and he had seen me read. I only do that inpatient, so I don't consider it part of my normal self care. It's not his business to correct me. Then at some point while reading the handout he asked if I read before bed. I said no. So yes... he bothers me.

My depression got so much worse after this. I sat during lunch not eating (they forgot my vegetarian meal and I said I didn't want to eat anyway) and debating if I should try to explain this to the therapist. The guy decided not to come back to group after lunch, so I didn't.

After lunch, I couldn't seem to talk. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to leave and drink. I knew if I didn't drink that I would cut and maybe more. I couldn't convince myself to say that because he already mentioned residential and I didn't want him to decide I should go back inpatient. I had said earlier that I thought maybe I discharged too early.

I feel like if I quit outpatient that I will be on the fast track to suicide. I feel like if I drink maybe I can manage or maybe I will become impulsive and do something. The therapist talked about that. I wonder if I can just manage outpatient as a bandage of sorts to delay my inevitably ending up inpatient again. I have considered residential, but I can't imagine going to them at work and explaining that I took this time off and still need more. I know if they ask how I am doing, I cannot honestly say I am better. I am still suicidal, which is why I went inpatient. Now I just think that I had better actually attempt suicide before going somewhere again or they won't take me seriously. I still keep considering overdoses. I want to cut my wrist. I don't know what I want other than self destruction.

So I am drinking. I am shutting down my brain. My plan is to drink tonight and maybe tomorrow but not Sunday. Then I think I can still go to php Monday. I at least need a letter from the doctor saying I can go back to work next Friday, so I have to go back. I found that out today, and it does complicate things a little. I am afraid that she won't write it. Then I either need to get my outpatient psychiatrist to write it or something. I guess I will see.