Needing help

I really don't know how to handle this situation at work. I tried to ask my supervisor when the meeting about what happened was going to happen. He said he had asked but had no answer. I then pulled him aside and added that having this hanging over me was making things worse. I didn't mention the cutting and getting stitches because I didn't want to worry him. He told me I am probably just getting written up, but that the HR guy was still figuring out medical leave. I don't know if I should have told him what happened with urgent care. I realize he isn't in control of this and has tried telling me things he wasn't supposed to in order to calm me down. However, I don't think he understands the severity of what's happening. He almost seems to want it to blow over (Tuesday he said "maybe they will forget lol" in a text). I understand that, but I also know I cannot live this way. I am having suicidal thoughts. I am cutting pretty much daily. I am drinking unhealthy amounts of vodka.

So my current thought is to do one of two things Monday. I can tell him that I am in an awkward situation knowing more than I should. I either need help figuring out how to go to the HR guy or manager about getting help without revealing what I know or for him to advocate for me. I can tell him that I am seriously self destructive and need help. Or I can go to the manager or HR and say that this happened, and I really need help if they want to keep me as an employee and alive, and am I able to get treatment soon. I am thinking of I say it that way I am not mentioning any plans they might have or saying even that I know they went to HR. I am just saying I need help and am willing to get it. I am afraid if I don't go to my supervisor first that he will be paranoid that I told them what he told me. Really, I just need someone to know that I am questioning my ability to keep myself alive.

I kept thinking of saying that I often think it would be better for everyone if I had never been hired and no one would have to deal with my mental health issues, but that since I was hired I do know that people would be upset if I killed myself. I thought of asking if they would call my emergency contact if I suddenly didn't show up and stopped answering my phone. I have wondered frequently how to be sure the right people are notified if I kill myself. I did briefly think that asking that might move this along, but it's rather passive aggressive. I am still wondering about creating a contact list on my phone of people to tell if I die, and that is one of the thoughts reminding me I need help.

I think Monday that I will have to do something. I will probably talk to the manager because I believe that I am allowed to know she is involved and that she will be more proactive if I tell her I really need help soon. I don't know how much to tell her, but any of this is probably enough to get the point that I am absolutely losing it. I don't want to go to HR since I have never really spoken to that person directly. He knows about my hospitalizations because of communication through doctors. I would rather someone that I believe cares about me advocates for me. I think maybe the manager could move things along if I say that I know about the accusation and don't know the outcome, but that I need help for more than the drinking if they want me alive and employed and can she maybe advise me on what to do next.

Feedback welcome. I am a mess. I can't believe how long this is taking.