So for a few years, I considered myself an honest person. At least if I was asked a question, I would answer honestly. Admittedly lying by omission was another story entirely. I am not sure when this changed, but I am no longer an honest person. I am most of the time, but I don't hesitate to lie to people.
Today's lie was that I only drank Friday, when I drank Friday and Saturday. I went through 2 bottles (750ml each) in 2 days, but I told the therapist it was 1.. which is still a lot. I just was already having a bad day because while I was going through my treatment plan with an intern, he came in and said the doctor had a few questions. The first is if I had spoken with a friend about being on the release of information form so they can talk to someone (since I refuse to put my parents). I said I didn't have a chance. He asked about my therapist, and I said that would be fine. Then he said the doctor wanted to know if I was willing to live with my parents, and I could tell from his face that he knew the answer would be absolutely not. It wasn't healthy for me to live there, and I am not willing to go back. So I have a feeling that the doctor is going to ask again, and I will have to try to explain. I need to try to be calm around her because I need a letter releasing me to start work Friday, and I am honestly scared she will refuse. I mean I am not mentally well, but I think it would be better for me to work than to have so much free time. I hope she will understand that. I also don't think these meds are working, so I discussed in group what to say about that. I hesitate to make specific requests because I have to be sure I am not trying to be manipulative. I also have to keep my story consistent because anything I tell her or the therapist they will discuss with each other.
Well, I didn't end up seeing the doctor today. I will probably see her tomorrow. I am still anxious about the letter for work because I can see her trying to use it as leverage. I have been drinking less, and I have been able to go to group.. logically if I am able to go to group and talk, I should be able to go to work afterwards and think clearly. So that is my argument. If I am sober enough when I get to group to be there, then by the time I should go to work I am even more sober.
Admittedly today I was a bit suicidal. The education topic was self esteem, and the sheets we were reading asked us to write a description of ourselves. Mine was a worthless waste of space. I tried to think of something else, but that was all I could think of to describe myself. This activity and the fact that lunch was pasta led to me feeling pretty self destructive. I really feel like I might try to kill myself if this all continues because it is frequently on my mind. I am scared to mention it because I don't want to go inpatient again. I don't know how to change this. I feel hopeless.
I am drinking tonight because I just couldn't handle these feelings. I just want to escape. I will probably lie about it tomorrow because I need to go back to work. I really don't care if I live or die. I am afraid to admit this. I don't know. I don't know what to say anymore. I know I am a mess, and I am so lost about what to do now.
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