This will make more sense if you read the last post first. I just am writing this separately because it seems simpler. This is basically what I need the manager and supervisor to know, so they can actually understand why I need help asap. After I published the last post, I decided that maybe I will actually print this out to show them Monday, so feedback is welcome on if it's a terrible, manipulative idea.
The things you need to understand
I suffer from alcoholism. Before I ever started drinking, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe. I have been hospitalized many times before you met me for depression, self harm, and chronic suicidal thoughts. I have been on medication for this for almost 15 years. I have been cutting myself for almost 15 years.
I am not currently taking the majority of my medication. I was prescribed 6 medications that were not working and I was not able to keep up with. My psychiatrist refuses to make changes to help me either feel better or be able to keep up with my medication.
I have for a couple weeks been getting worse. The self harm has escalated. I am doing my best to function. This basically means coming to work and trying not to do anything that could actually kill me because I am still currently able to recognize that there are people that would be upset if I died. I know that without help, I am likely to reach a point where I will not recognize this or will care more about not wanting to live.
When I was hospitalized at the beginning of this year, it was because I had progressed to actively planning suicide, and friends had an intervention and insisted I go inpatient. After I went inpatient the second time and got sober, I began actively trying to find a way to kill myself while still inpatient. The depression reaches a point where self harm and alcohol cannot help me cope. There is obvious risk in delaying treatment until it reaches that point.
As it is, my life consists of work, sleep, and the unhealthy coping skills to lower the stress and depression to a level where I can continue to function. It is not a life I want to continue. My options are getting help or risking the depression worsening to the point where I will not be able to function.
These are the things that I would like you to understand when determining when I can take time off. I have known for some time that I needed help, but I did not want to take leave when we were moving, when sample volume was increasing, or when we were short staffed because of analysts leaving. I value/valued the company more than myself. I am now trying to remember that if I am unable to function or no longer alive, you will also have one less analyst. That is why I know that it is best for everyone for me to get treatment. I am still willing to wait if there is a more convenient time, but I want you to understand the entirety of the situation. I apologize for any concern or inconvenience any of this has caused.
So yeah. I can put it into words in writing but would never be able to say it. I also probably couldn't put this into words while entirely sober. I am better at honesty while intoxicated. I am tempted to print out the part above and hand it to my supervisor and manager when I get there Monday and say that they are welcome to show it to HR or anyone necessary. They all know that I am crazy, so they may as well understand how crazy. I know that I only have told them bits and pieces to avoid excess worry, but I don't think that is benefiting anyone at this stage. If they want an alive analyst who is able to come to work and do her job, they need to acknowledge that I am only just barely able now and time is important. I rarely acknowledge how suicidal I can become, but I am aware that it's inevitable if nothing changes. Twice this year I reached that point and have wavered just shy of it at several points since. I just prefer denial and to focus on how I haven't attempted. However even that... I am well aware that I have overdosed on diet pills and diuretics and told myself that was the eating disorder, but taking an entire box of diuretics hoping your heart might stop is more than eating disorder behavior. When asked if I have ever attempted suicide, I tend to answer "No, but..." and allow people to judge for themselves how to view some incidents. It's kind of how I answer if I have a plan too.. because frequently I don't but just rely on knowing that I have a lot of extra medication sitting around at any given time. I definitely do now since I am not taking all of them. Sorry for 2 depressing posts in one night
No comments:
Post a Comment