So I am not a happy camper today. Admittedly, some of this is my fault, but I think they're being unreasonable. So yesterday the php therapist said that the doctor wanted to know if I would be willing to live with my parents, and I said no. Today I saw the doctor. She asked a bunch of things, and I kinda lied about some things (like the self harm) because I need her to give me a letter so I can go back to work. I tried to explain that it is better for me to be working than to have a lot of free time. She basically said she isn't recommending I go back to work, but we could see how the next couple days go.
I go back to group. There were only 2 of us and the other patient went to see the doctor, so it was just me and the therapist. He basically told me that the doctor and program director don't want me to continue the program since their recommendations are residential or living with someone or sober living. I said no to all of those, so there's nobody they can contact about my safety. I had mentioned that the doctor wouldn't write the note for work, and he said maybe they could manipulate the wording.. because when he asked how that news made me feel, I said if I wasn't able to do the program at least they could let me go back to work. I was angry and worried, but I saw no point talking about it. He asked what my options are if she wouldn't release me to return to work, and I think he wanted me to agree to residential or staying with my parents. He mentioned someone staying with me and because I was angry I just said the truth, which is that people aren't allowed in my apartment. That it's a mess and I mean borderline unlivable. He asked if that was hard for me, and I said yes. I really hate talking about it.
After group I was supposed to go to a movie with my mom and brother. I spent the drive obsessing about the situation. I actually am impressed at how I handled it. I emailed the HR guy to see if my therapist could write the release and when he said it had to be the physician, I asked if it could be my outpatient psychiatrist. I then called my psychiatrist.. the one I said I wouldn't go back to because the one I saw before that I have been trying to reach for days and nobody ever answers. I managed to get an appointment for Friday before work. I then emailed him to ask if he could do the release in case he needed to know in advance (or said no).
I had been obsessing over how to tell my supervisor/manager if I couldn't come Friday because I didn't have the letter. I didn't want to say the doctor I had planned on writing it wouldn't because then they might think I wasn't fit to work. Adding that the other doctor might only sounds manipulative. I mean the truth is that the reason she won't write it is because I live alone and have self destructive thoughts. That doesn't affect my ability to work, but it sounds bad. I don't think their expectation that my parents be involved is reasonable. I am 30 years old now and I have the right to live in my own place. Having a mental illness doesn't mean I need to be dependent on them or that they need to be willing to guarantee my safety. It just means I am a liability. Don't get me wrong.. if people do have a different relationship with their parents, great. Mine were upset the last time I did sign a release of information because someone called asking if they could check my apartment for weapons or extra medications. They didn't like someone implying that was their responsibility, and I politely said that I never asked them to and I didn't even know someone called them. The release only said that they could tell my parents I was admitted. So NO I don't want them questioning my parents about my safety.
Thankfully, I thought to check my email one more time while trying to write the email to my supervisor in the desperate hope that the psychiatrist replied. He did agree to sign a release. He offered to see me tomorrow, but I replied and said Friday was fine. I plan to go to PHP tomorrow and ask to discharge tomorrow. I see my therapist Thursday and psychiatrist Friday.
Yes, I recognize that I am repeating old patterns by going back to work now. I recognize that I am possibly setting myself up for failure. I honestly don't know what else to do. I feel completely hopeless thinking about it, but I am not ready to go back to rehab. It was such a worthless experience last time. I have been inpatient so many times since. I got sober through AA and maybe that's what I can hope for. I am scared to tell work that I failed and need more treatment especially if that might fail too. I just want to go back and at least have work as a purpose because now I am slowly becoming more hopeless. I am quitting php because even if they don't kick me out, telling me over and over that they recommend residential makes it worse. I don't need to be constantly reminded. I will go when I am ready. For now I feel hopeless and worthless enough.
I will update with how it goes. I don't think the therapist will be happy with my decision, and I am afraid I will have to talk to the program director who I dislike.
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