We tried the world. Good god, it wasn't for us.

So there is a line in the song Jackie and Wilson by Hosier "We tried the world, good god, it wasn't for us" that just seems to describe my life. I have tried life and over and over reached this point where I just don't want it. I don't know if I am really suicidal. I will admit I have been having those urges. The urge to drive off the road and off that hill. The urge to take that bottle of pills. It isn't really a thought. It is almost just physical. I have to make myself turn the wheel and stay on the road. I have to stop myself from opening the drawer.

I haven't taken my meds for a few days. Part of me honestly forgot. Part of me is embarrassed to admit that my memory is screwed up and I am not 100% sure what dosages I am supposed to be taking. Part of me wonders if it is really a good idea to take so many meds when my liver is damaged. Part of me just doesn't care. However, I know this is why I am suicidal again. I have considered going to the ER both for the thoughts and because I am getting dizzy a lot.

I am mostly dreading Monday because I am supposed to talk to the boss before my shift, and I don't know what to say. I don't know if I say that I want to die. Do I lie and say things are fine? Do I simply say I don't want to talk about personal things? That usually is interpreted as there is something bad that I am not saying. Or do I tell the truth? Either explaining the dizzy spells (likely dehydration from vomiting) or the suicidal thoughts is likely to mean she will recommend hospital or me not being fit to work.

I also wonder what my supervisor will say. I don't think I look well.

I am really just so very tired. I sat in my car a couple minutes tonight because I just didn't have the energy (mostly mentally) to get out of my car and walk up the stairs. I am honestly just living because I care about others. I just want this to be over. I don't want to go back to the hospital. It has never truly helped. I have more scary or upsetting memories of hospitals than anything positive. It is just temporary safety. I thought ECT helped, but a few days without my meds and I am back where I started. I could do maintenance treatment, but is it worth the fear and memory loss for what is obviously not enough to fix me.

So I think if asked how I am doing on Monday, I think the most honest answer is that I don't know. I don't know if I want to live. I don't know how to fix this feeling. I don't know what is going on with my body. I don't know, but I sometimes truly believe that I am not meant for life. I just can't really explain that.

The other line in that song that stands out is "I need to be youthfully felt because, God, I never felt young". While I didn't have a bad childhood, I was always more comfortable talking to adults. Then I know that it was in middle school that I became self destructive. These suicidal thoughts started long before I was diagnosed with depression. I believe that the anxiety and depression started earlier than I remember. I was an anxious child. I panicked and remember not being able to sleep until I made a plan with my parents about if there was a fire. I did a book report on tornadoes (NOT something I would recommend just after moving to Texas) and being terrified when my parents wanted to watch the storm clouds. I was convinced we should be sheltered with our pets in the bathroom. I don't think I was ever really a child. I am not convinced that I was meant for life, but I at least understand that people care about me. For some reason, people want me in their lives, and it hurts so terribly because then I have to live.

It is amazing how a couple days without meds and I am so aware of how much I don't want to exist. I am so aware that I have never felt normal. I am now just scared of either having to explain this or manage to lie. I don't know if I can pretend to be ok for much longer. I am so tired.

*edit* So I guess there's a reason I avoid facebook. I went on there and saw pictures of my friend's daughter's birthday that I wasn't invited to, and I want to die. Her daughter is 2 and I wasn't there because I isolated myself from everyone. Now I'm crying so hard I scared Nermal off the bed. I am supposed to see them this week, and I don't know how to apologize or explain why I disappeared. I don't want to go to work today. My supervisor will be there, and I am afraid she will notice how depressed I am. I don't think I can even pretend to be fine, and someone without depression is not likely to understand all this. I almost want to cancel my plans with my friends because I have been gone so long, but I don't see how that is better. Now I just wish I could call in sick to work and drink and sleep all day.

Too honest?

Recently, I told my supervisor and manager about my health concerns. Honestly, this is partly because if I end up in the hospital, it won't be a complete surprise. I also know I don't look healthy.

So today I did something probably stupid. I went to talk to the boss. I told her probably more than I should. I consider her somewhat of a friend, so I have had conversations with her that I would never have with other people I worked with. I told her about my health concerns, which she mentioned I had told her before. Honestly, I don't remember all of what I said that day I left and went on medical leave. This isn't because of ECT. I distinctly remember tears in my eyes walking onto the building. I distinctly remember staring at the floor as I quickly walked out, so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. None of it was planned. I just walked in and spilled my guts.

But anyway, today I told her it was still going on. I mentioned how bad my labs were. She asked about the problems eating, and I said I was still vomiting every night. She basically said I need to call my doctor and try to see her before my appointment Thursday. That's probably true.

I also admitted for the first time about the Tylenol overdose. I wonder if that is actually the cause of the liver problems. She also asked if it might have caused the stomach problems. At this point it probably doesn't matter what caused everything. What matters is what can be done. The thing I told her that I probably should not have is that I took the 16 Tylenol at work.

I don't know. I told her things are much better since the ECT. She told me about a friend she had that died from alcoholism. She said I look better than before going inpatient. She said I had looked very sick, and she had worried. I really just wanted her to know what I had already mentioned to my supervisor. She later called me back in to talk and said she wants me to meet with her every day we are both there. She said that she doesn't want to get busy and   not notice what's happening with me. This is what I mean about her being a friend. She obviously cares about me being able to do my job, but she also seems to care about me.

I felt guilty being in her office so long. I realized that I had missed an update while there. I apologized to my supervisor and asked what was said to be sure I understood the email. Later the manager came over to update me, and I wonder if something was said to her or maybe she noticed that I was talking to the boss, but she had a strange facial expression. I don't know if it was fear or concern or what. Admittedly, I also cut my wrist last night, so it may have been related to that.

My supervisor later pulled me aside and asked if I was doing ok. I told her I was feeling ill. She said she had noticed. I explained what I had talked to the boss about including the overdose. I told her about meeting with the boss daily. I also had been distracted because she had been in the boss's office, which she said was not about me. I did explain that my paranoia really is not about her. My ex supervisor, however, at least once told people things he said he wouldn't. The time I asked to leave to get stitches he told me I could go and we wouldn't speak of it. He then told the boss, so I have trust issues.

I really don't know how much I should have told anyone. Boundaries are a little weird when I knew my supervisor and the boss before I ever worked here. I honestly am preparing for the possibility that either I will faint at work (I have been having dizzy spells again) or will end up in hospital. I would rather they know in advance that I am unwell. I would rather they know if they hear me vomiting in the bathroom that it is not intentional.

But I guess next week I start daily meetings with the boss in addition to the weekly (although the supervisor says we aren't having it Monday?) meetings about my performance and confidence. So I am pretty terrified. I should probably just be happy they care, but I am still afraid that what I have said will be used against me. I really just want it to be normal. I want a place that I can go to and act like a normal human being. I seem to have screwed that up. The boss probably just doesn't want me to die, but I am concerned about the purpose of the daily meetings. Everything is a bit concerning.

I don't think I mentioned, but I now have 2 separate social events planned. I am having lunch with a friend a week from Sunday, and I have dinner plans with friends next week. The second is more significant because I have not spoken to them in months and have been scared to see them because I am scared her son won't remember me. I don't know why that is so terrifying, but I have known her for more than a decade and met her son when she was still in the hospital after having him. I guess I don't want to believe that I screwed that up. She is the friend that I wrote to in residential treatment for an assignment where you had to ask friends how the eating disorder affected you. Her response was that she always assumed that I would kill myself. Whether it be actual suicide or the self harm or bulimia. I guess because I have known her this long, we have a more honest friendship? Her husband I have known for years as well. Both of them are why I started attending a certain church and went through classes with the priest so that I could go through chrismation. So seeing them after a long absence is hard. I know they will ask about my disappearance. I really would like to pretend nothing happened, but that doesn't work with them. However, I know I cannot live only in my bedroom and at work. I need people, and I do feel that this friend and her family will always take me back if I reach out to them. I may disappear for months, but when I texted her and her husband, both responded the same day. So we are having dinner Thursday. I don't know how much I will tell them. They are the sort of people whose genuine concern makes it difficult to lie. I just have to keep telling myself that I need friends.

Health scares

OK, so I did something absolutely terrifying. I had gone shopping with my mom (not the terrifying part). All day I felt a bit dizzy and way more tired than someone my age should walking around a mall. Also caught sight of myself in many mirrors, and I currently look pretty horrible. The skin around my nose and mouth is red and flaky. I really have no idea why. The skin on my face and hands is also super dry. Plus, I needed to pretty much constantly have something to drink because my mouth was so dry. So basically I didn't feel well.

This is the terrifying part.

When we got home, I was sitting reading things on my phone. I asked if I could talk to her. I told her that my liver is apparently pretty bad. I mentioned some of the health problems I am having like the nausea and dizzy spells. I even told her about the ER trip a few month's ago. I explained about not being able to do much other than go to work. I mentioned going months without checking my mail.

She was pretty understanding about it all. Honestly, my mom and dad have both struggled with depression and anxiety. I am just the only one diagnosed with anything. There's a term "identified patient" that pretty much explains the situation. I am the one who is sick and getting treatment. They just struggle and don't have any diagnosed mental illness.

That was a bit of a tangent. She did ask about the drinking and going to meetings, and I was honest. As far as the health concerns go, I do have an appointment with my GP next week. I also see my psychiatrist. I want to ask my psychiatrist if my medications could make my liver worse because I honestly think I am on too many meds. I need to ask my regular doctor whether the symptoms I have could be related to my liver. I also need to find out if there's any sort of treatment other than just quitting drinking and hoping it heals itself. I mean honestly I don't know how bad it is. My mom agreed that the doctor telling me my labs were the worst he has seen in someone my age was not the appropriate way to say that. It was probably an attempt to scare me. Well, I am scared. Not so much from that. I am scared that I still get dizzy. I am scared that I vomit at least once a day. I am scared by the weird things with my skin.

Which is why I told my mom. I feel like whenever you are scared, you want your mom (I know this isn't always true). You want advice and basically to be told it will be ok. And so I told her, and while she wasn't happy about the drinking, in the end she still hugged me and said she loves me. She wants me to call after I see my doctor. When my dad got home, she explained everything to him because she didn't want me to have to explain it again (which is true).  In the end, we still went to dinner like everything was normal.

Today I have to face going to work and my competency test. I also complained to my mom about that. I am still scared about it. I know how to do my job, but I am scared any tiny error could involve me getting fired. My last re-certification I printed something I meant to save as a PDF, and it wasn't a big deal. I just don't know if a stupid tiny mistake like that is now going to be seen as evidence my brain is fried from the ECT. I don't know. I will update after.

And of course with all this going on my therapist is sick and can't see me today. I did text her about checking my mail (see previous post if that doesn't make sense) and talking to my parents. I think even if I can't see her, I shouldn't have to wait 2 weeks to get credit for this. And now I am going back to sleep because it's before 6, and I don't do mornings

Health scares

OK, so I did something absolutely terrifying. I had gone shopping with my mom (not the terrifying part). All day I felt a bit dizzy and way more tired than someone my age should walking around a mall. Also caught sight of myself in many mirrors, and I currently look pretty horrible. The skin around my nose and mouth is red and flaky. I really have no idea why. The skin on my face and hands is also super dry. Plus, I needed to pretty much constantly have something to drink because my mouth was so dry. So basically I didn't feel well.

This is the terrifying part.

When we got home, I was sitting reading things on my phone. I asked if I could talk to her. I told her that my liver is apparently pretty bad. I mentioned some of the health problems I am having like the nausea and dizzy spells. I even told her about the ER trip a few month's ago. I explained about not being able to do much other than go to work. I mentioned going months without checking my mail.

She was pretty understanding about it all. Honestly, my mom and dad have both struggled with depression and anxiety. I am just the only one diagnosed with anything. There's a term "identified patient" that pretty much explains the situation. I am the one who is sick and getting treatment. They just struggle and don't have any diagnosed mental illness.

That was a bit of a tangent. She did ask about the drinking and going to meetings, and I was honest. As far as the health concerns go, I do have an appointment with my GP next week. I also see my psychiatrist. I want to ask my psychiatrist if my medications could make my liver worse because I honestly think I am on too many meds. I need to ask my regular doctor whether the symptoms I have could be related to my liver. I also need to find out if there's any sort of treatment other than just quitting drinking and hoping it heals itself. I mean honestly I don't know how bad it is. My mom agreed that the doctor telling me my labs were the worst he has seen in someone my age was not the appropriate way to say that. It was probably an attempt to scare me. Well, I am scared. Not so much from that. I am scared that I still get dizzy. I am scared that I vomit at least once a day. I am scared by the weird things with my skin.

Which is why I told my mom. I feel like whenever you are scared, you want your mom (I know this isn't always true). You want advice and basically to be told it will be ok. And so I told her, and while she wasn't happy about the drinking, in the end she still hugged me and said she loves me. She wants me to call after I see my doctor. When my dad got home, she explained everything to him because she didn't want me to have to explain it again (which is true).  In the end, we still went to dinner like everything was normal.

Today I have to face going to work and my competency test. I also complained to my mom about that. I am still scared about it. I know how to do my job, but I am scared any tiny error could involve me getting fired. My last re-certification I printed something I meant to save as a PDF, and it wasn't a big deal. I just don't know if a stupid tiny mistake like that is now going to be seen as evidence my brain is fried from the ECT. I don't know. I will update after.

Memory

I really have no one else that I can explain this to. I am debating telling the boss since talking to her is what started this, but I doubt she would understand and not just view me as crazy.

I told them I have gaps in my memory. Really, the time I don't remember is the time in the hospital. I do remember some of it now, although that memories of this stay get mixed up with the other times I have been to this hospital. I honestly wonder if the ECT is why I don't remember everything or if my brain simply doesn't want to remember.

The reason I didn't want to do ECT inpatient is because I was scared and exhausted. I can remember that a patient told me another patient threw coffee in her face, and the next day was still allowed to have coffee without staff supervision. I remember (although this is a memory that is mixed with other hospitalizations) the insomnia. I remember trying to get my doctor to give me something (since he took away my Seroquel) so I could sleep. I always make eye contact with the people doing bed checks to make sure they know I can't sleep. I remember the ambulance ride between hospitals because this my first time in an ambulance.

Basically, I do remember. I forgot some details, but some are coming back. I just have been in psych wards around a dozen times, and it all gets mixed up. That hospital I have been to at least twice before. I mainly remember it as the one where a patient stole my things (she was "cleaning") and no one would get them back because this was my fault for not writing my name on them. I remember from other stays the man who told me that he was collecting coins to make a sword for astral projection. I remember a woman that terrified me, but they would sit near me because she only ate if I was there.

So really it is possible that the memory loss is because I would prefer not to remember. Thinking about it, my time inpatient (there and other hospitals) can be viewed as trauma. But the issue is  I cannot explain this to my boss because 1. She won't really understand and 2. It reveals how crazy I truly am. I think somewhere after ten hospital stays (I honestly don't remember how many it has been) I go from being sick to being crazy.

I don't know why I am writing this. I think I just want someone to understand that I would never go to work if I thought I would damage patients lives. What I don't remember is mainly the time in the hospital that I would rather not remember. There were some gaps from when I was staying with my parents, but I am regaining those memories. I guess I am writing because I don't think I can explain this to most people without seeming crazy. I don't think they understand the extent to which I am mentally ill, and I don't really want them to. It's the same reason I lie to my parents. I want some time to pretend I am normal. Work is the same. I think the problem is that I stopped pretending, but I have started again.

Well, that was weird

So after the conversation with my supervisor and the boss, I decided to talk to the manager (I guess I should explain how this hierarchy works supervisor<manager<boss) because she was probably going to find out anyway, and I would rather be the one to tell her. So I sent her a message on Skype that I wanted to talk. She then asked my supervisor why I wanted to talk. They went into the conference room, and I really have no idea what was said.

My supervisor comes out and sort of gestures for me to go in. I assumed she would stay, but she left me and the manager alone. The manager asked what I want to talk about, and I kinda said the supervisor had probably told her.. hoping to have some indication of what she knew. She just stared at me. So I basically told her everything. I mentioned the ECT and the liver problems and the memory loss and everything. And she was much nicer than expected.

Don't get me wrong. She is a nice person, but this was so far beyond how I expected her to react. She asked about the liver problems and if it could be fixed. I don't really remember everything she asked, but she also offered ways to help. She said maybe we should meet outside of work because seriously her stare is enough to make me tell even that I am scared to check my email and that my only social interaction is at work. She said we could go out to eat, but really it is questionable what I can eat. She said we could go for a walk. WTF? What kind of manager is kind enough to offer to go for a walk with an employee struggling with mental illness. It all caught me so off guard that I just kinda nodded. Meanwhile, I am so uncomfortable with someone being this attentive and nice and concerned that I am scratching at my hands hard enough to draw blood.. and I honestly am not sure if she noticed because I kept my hands below the table.

Finally, she asked if I would at least give her a hug, and I did. We didn't plan to meet outside of work, but I at least hugged her because she was so incredibly kind. I later joked a little with my supervisor about how the manager can practically stare into your soul. The almost unblinking eye contact was enough to make me say things only my therapist knows. It made me agree or at least not say no to going for a walk or whatever with her. She and the boss are really the only people I believe when they say that what I tell them won't be repeated to anyone. My ex supervisor I know shared information he said he would not. I don't know what my current supervisor has told anyone, but I know she has.

Now I am wondering if this meeting outside of work will happen. I really was honest (because of that soul searching stare) that I only go to work and grocery shopping, and I have no interaction with people except at work. She seemed understanding, but a lot of this she probably can't understand. Being afraid to check my email. Being afraid to talk to employees at stores and restaurants. The fear waking up from anesthesia and not knowing what I can't remember.

So I will probably walk or whatever with her because I feel so guilty because most people would not care so much. She said I can always talk to her or the boss. She said what we discuss will stay with her, and unlike my ex supervisor I believe that. She said that no one thinks I'm incompetent or bad at my job. I said multiple times that I would not have gone back if I thought I could not remember how to do my job. She is the first person that seemed to understand that being off work a month and having ECT means I will be slower. It means that I can't be expected to do everything I did before. I need time to increase my speed, and I really think they should understand that me being slower is because I absolutely don't want to make a mistake that could impact a patient.

I don't think anyone other than maybe the boss understands what electroshock is. I don't know how to explain the fear that comes from waking from anesthesia and not remembering the date or the day of the week. I have always had poor memory but I never lost days or weeks. I don't think they understand the fear from vomiting bile and the strange rashes and my new beer belly. All of which are signs of liver damage.

My supervisor sent me home early. I think neither of us wanted to do my competency test today, and I am more or less useless if I can't close cases.

In other news, I checked my mail for the first time in months. This may not seem significant, but I have been absolutely terrified to check it. It started as a week or so of not checking. Then because I hadn't checked it, I didn't know what I would find. I was convinced that the mail person was judging me for not checking. The level of fear was enough to nearly vomit in the parking lot as I walked to the mailbox. I had discussed with my therapist asking someone to go with me. Honestly, something about the managers genuine concern about me made me do it. Honestly, I don't think there was that much mail for months of not checking. I am choosing not to think about that tonight. The point is I went to the mailbox and unlocked it and took what was inside after months of being afraid. It's at least progress?

Coming clean

So I get a text from my supervisor to come in a little later than usual and that she wanted to talk to me about updates and "some other things". I am smart enough to know that's bad. I get there and she is in the boss's office. Again I knew that was bad. She asked me to write out any questions I had, and we would go through them later.

At that point, I figured I probably wasn't getting fired because they usually do that at the beginning of the shift. I mostly asked about things where what people have said or done contradicts emails I have read. That was mainly why I wanted to talk to her.

Then she says that the boss wants to talk to us. I am being put on a performance improvement plan... mainly because of my lack of confidence and being withdrawn from other analysts. I have to get my report back to 100%. I asked to explain why I am not confident.

I told the boss and supervisor I had ECT. The boss was upset I hadn't told her. I had mentioned it to the HR guy and my supervisor, and I honestly assumed that they told her while I was gone. I explained that I have gaps in my memory and that I don't remember much of the hospital stay. I explained it is getting better. I remember (at least to the extent my shitty memory ever has but I didn't say that part) everything since going back to work. I am just double checking everything I do to make sure I am not forgetting things. So now I am also getting a competency test, but she was generally nice. I guess the boss knows more about ECT than my supervisor and knew this was a big deal.

I was also honest that I was worried about what people said about me when I was gone and that I know I don't look healthy (my skin was especially red today). Basically, she said it was none of their business and nobody had really asked.

Afterwards I talked some more with my supervisor. I explained that my health isn't good and that my liver tests were bad. She also mentioned that she and the manager really had no idea what happened the day I left. They thought the boss pulled me into her office and for some reason sent me home. The boss had recently asked what was going on with me because I wasn't my usual self both before and since coming back. I told my supervisor that was probably because our conversation that day was basically me saying my eyes were turning yellow and I needed time off. Both my supervisor and the boss knew me before I was ever hired by the company. I think they have a genuine concern for my health. I did also explain feeling guilty for not telling the supervisor or manager what was going on before I left. The manager is on vacation but apparently got the same email from the boss asking about me, so I may tell her what I told them.

So at least I am not being fired (yet). Also apparently these people care about me. That feels strange.

I did make an appointment with my doctor next week to get labs done. I am genuinely concerned about my health. I didn't tell the boss about the overdose on acetaminophen. I might tell her some about my concern about my liver, but I don't know. I may wait and see what the doctor says. I am still randomly getting a rash. I vomited at work last night and when I got home, and I think it was mainly bile (given the yellow color). That's probably concerning. I go back and forth about if I care about dying. I mostly wish I could feel less miserable while doing it, but that's out of my control. I will decide tomorrow what and who to tell things to.

Related to this.. I can tell I am losing weight in most of my body and developing a beer gut. My wrist bones are more prominent and my collar bones easier to feel, and yet my scrubs are tighter around the stomach. It's another thing to add to the list of signs my health is poor.

Ugly and stressed

I am really struggling. I am stressed about work and concerned about my health.

Work

So in my last post I mentioned my report card and talking to my supervisor. I asked her yesterday if I could talk to her. She asked if something had happened. I guess I looked upset. I told her I was worried I was too slow. She was really nice and asked why and what I needed. I randomly started crying during this. I honestly didn't expect that, but suddenly there were tears in my eyes. We decided that I would take notes on any problem cases and we would discuss them. I later over Skype asked her not to tell the manager I had cried over a report card. I am not supposed to show stress because it affects morale, and I am really trying to do this. 

Then there was an issue. Cases should be closed in 24 hours, and I found some sent to my ex-supervisor that were 48 hours. I texted my supervisor, and she told me to email him and cc the manager. I did, and he replied that he was still working on these and I didn't need to email him. Really, those cases needed to be closed, but this is an ongoing problem. I am now extremely anxious that he will talk to me today. I only did what I was told to do, but I didn't mention that in the email.

Ugly

I am also still anxious about my health. I am unsure if I care about my life, but I very much care about my appearance. I have this fear of looking like an addict or a crazy person. Right now I have my face that is red and dry. I have my arms and legs that turn reddish-purpleish. My face and arms are most visible. 

I originally worried that I have bugs in my apartment, but that wouldn't explain why the redness comes and goes. I think it's a circulation problem that may or may not relate to my liver. 

I don't know what causes it, but I am very self conscious and believe people can tell that I am an alcoholic. I am also concerned (although not always) that these symptoms mean I am dying. I discussed makeup with a coworker both to try to seem capable of normal conversation and because I may need something to cover the redness and peeling. 

Today I am anxious over my ex-supervisor's email. I am worried that this rash and I think I have a beer gut means my liver is failing. I honestly considered going to the ER yesterday, but I don't think they can do anything. The liver heals itself, so the solution is not drinking. It is ridiculous to be 30 and have a failing liver, but I fear that it is happening. I am less concerned about dying than work. I am worried about how my ex-supervisor will act. I am worried my appearance makes them think I am an addict. I am worried I will faint and end up in hospital. I am really worried about every little spot on my skin that might mean liver failure, but I don't know if this is enough to stop drinking. Part of me hopes this means I am dying, and it's absurd that I care more about experience than my life. I care more about work than my life. I just hate how ugly I feel and self conscious. 

Until the bitter end

I can add a new symptom to the list of signs that I am unwell. The past two nights I have gotten home from work and found I had a rash and possibly edema in my legs. The first time it was just my legs. Last night my whole body seemed to be red. It started with a few red patches and spread. I looked online and found out it could be a sign of liver failure or many other things. I wondered if it could be related to blood vessels because I also can see veins in places that they weren't so obvious before. So I walked around and elevated my legs, and they returned to their normal color.

I am considering buying compression socks to help with circulation. I don't know at what point I should go to the er. I had planned to go to urgent care today if it wasn't better. I will try to call tomorrow and make an appointment with my doctor  because I need my thyroid checked anyway (now that I am taking my levothyroxine again), so I can get her to check my liver enzymes too. I can at least find out if it's worse.

I am seriously considering buying makeup because I look awful. You can see the veins in my neck and face. The skin around my mouth is red and dry from all the vomiting. I also keep picking at my skin because of stress at work. I think I am going to talk to my supervisor about that. I am worried that I am too slow, but I am scared that I will make a mistake if I go faster. I am no longer back in training, but I am hoping they will understand if I am slower. I got my report card (yes, we are graded on how much we do) and it was just over 70%. That is still acceptable, but I can't remember the last time I dropped below 90 (meaning I did at least 90% of the work available or expected of me). I honestly would feel terrible any time I dropped below 100. So I have a hard time coping with this. I know that also means I have a harder time hiding my stress, and I hope she will understand.  Maybe I can get some tips or advice to help.

I am aware of how bad things are. I know my health is worse. I wonder if some of this is a consequence of the acetaminophen overdose or just alcohol. I just don't know if I will get scared enough to stop or just go on hoping that I will die. There's this place in the AA big book that is very fitting.

"If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help."

I have reached that point many times. I have tried to find the spiritual solution but probably not worked hard enough at it. Mostly I think I have planned to go on until the bitter end. This is one part of the big book that has stuck with me. I have heard people talk about relapse and having a belly full of liquor and a head full of AA. You can't get rid of it. You always know you are killing yourself, and you always know that people have recovered. I just somehow have to convince myself that I am not an exception. That I am not incapable of getting sober. That God didn't make me destined to kill myself. I just don't know how to believe that.

My body hates me

I know I have probably written too much lately, but I really have no place to be honest except here.

Today, I am scared. I think there is something wrong with me. I felt tired and sick all of yesterday and today. I have vomited 6 times today. I don't remember how many times yesterday. I do know that I went from planning to have lunch and go shopping at a few stores to only going to 1 store and getting McDonald's to eat in bed. I saw my parents today and did laundry, which is still in my car because I was not sure I could carry it. The scariest part of the night was when I went to get my car off the dresser because nothing good can come of her being there. When I got there, everything went white and my ears started ringing. I grabbed the dresser to keep from falling. I guess I scared my cat enough for her to get down. I stumbled back to bed. I have been trying (even before that) to eat, and the results have been vomiting and acid reflux. I honestly miss bulimia because at least then I was making myself purge. This is just nausea and painful reflux that I can't control. I just hope tomorrow is better

Fear and failure

Can I just say how frustrating today was?
I woke up to find that my water was off, so I couldn't shower. I thought they were turning it off Monday for maintenance, and I am not sure if this was unscheduled or I forgot the day. Either way it meant feeling gross and paranoid all day. I may fail at most adult behavior, but I normally shower everyday if I intend to go outside. I am always paranoid that I smell or look dirty or my hair looks oily (that was definitely true today).

I still managed to go out. I got lunch and went to Kohls which was nice because I got one long sleeve tee for $1.80 and one for $3, and I needed new tees. I hate that it becomes impossible to find long sleeve shirts in spring/summer. I know I am not the only person who prefers them. I also went to Starbucks because I was grumpy and wanted something full of caffeine and sugar (I am in love with the cinnamon almond milk macchiato). Throughout all this I was somehow convinced that people were judging me and could tell I hadn't showered and therefore assumed I was homeless or a drug addict.

I see that this isn't logical. I doubt most strangers spend that much time thinking about me. However, it meant I was not in a good mood when I got to work.

I knew there wasn't much work. I got there and awkwardly talked to the supervisor about what needed to be done. I feel like I have gotten so uncomfortable talking to people, and I worry it shows. Plus, she asked me to go in the lab and tell them to do something, and I really didn't want to. To me if I ask them to put a rerun on, I am implying that they are not doing their job. It was 2 samples, and it was obvious by the number already done that they were on top of things. Thankfully, I was given something else to do.

I was told to close some cases by the manager. I couldn't tell if she meant actually close or send for QC. I have heard the supervisor say that the manager questioned why I was back in training. Already the length of time I am supposed to do this has been reduced from 2 weeks to 1 and now to just a few more days. I don't know how to feel about it. My first day in training I made a few small errors. Since then, I have not received negative feedback. I'm still scared because I know that my memory is bad right now. I also admit that the paranoia makes it hard to focus.

Any time I see the HR guy, I worry. Today he was in the boss's office with another woman (who I have always been a bit frightened by). I was of course convinced that I was getting fired. No logic behind this. I mean logically it would be my manager or supervisor with them if it was about me. I mentioned to my supervisor that it made me nervous seeing them in there, and she said that it would be the manager, that they would tell me, and that I would have to do something wrong. They wouldn't tell me to go get help and then fire me for it.

I know all this, but I have been constantly frightened since going back. I regret that I didn't talk to my supervisor (though she doesn't seem upset) before going. I regret being gone so long. Apparently, people asked her if I quit because I was gone so long and hadn't said anything about it. I don't know if anyone saw me talk to the boss and then immediately leave. I would guess that if they assumed I quit, that means they didn't assume I was gone because of alcoholism.

I think that only going to work and occasionally shopping has impacted my ability to interact with people. I think I am very aware that I am back to being as bad as before treatment, and I don't know if they realize it. I am aware that I have bruises all over my arms. Some are from the IVs during ECT, but some I can't explain. I am again convinced my skin looks yellow. I think my hair is thinning. I am convinced my eyelashes look weird.. yeah, that one is a bit odd. They look longer and somehow tangled? It's just very difficult to be fixated on the color of your skin and the length of your eyelashes and every little blemish on your skin AND talk to other people. I can't explain what's going on in my head without revealing how crazy I am. I mean I became paranoid that someone at work found this blog, and that's what the boss was discussing. I feel bad because another company might be less understanding. Because we work in a field that is very much related to addiction and because the vice president of the company went to grad school with me, I have been able to get help. They could have fired me over the accusations that I smelled like alcohol, but they let me get treatment.

It doesn't help that I don't feel well. I was nauseous half the day. I am tired. I really half hope my skin is yellow because that would mean my liver is failing, and that means I might die. I honestly don't think I can get sober. After so many failed attempts, I think this will kill me. It might be after more attempts at treatment. It might be soon. At least if I am dead, I won't have to face cleaning my apartment or checking the mail. I won't have responsibilities. I will either be in heaven, hell, or just gone. I feel like any of those would be better. Otherwise, I see myself reaching the point that I can't work and ending up living with my parents or in an institution. That doesn't sound too bad either.

Tomorrow I don't work. My current plan is to buy some groceries and go get either frozen yogurt or Dairy Queen because I no longer care about being fat. I just want to eat things and not vomit. The past 2 days that hasn't worked out, which is another sign my health is failing. I don't know if I should go to urgent care and lie or manipulate the truth to get medicine for nausea. I probably need to actually make the appointment with my GP to get blood tests done rather than trying to decide if my skin is yellow, but what's the point if I am just going to die eventually?

Fear

I seriously don't know how much more I can handle. I feel like it's not going to be long before I end up back in the hospital. I don't know if it will be for a suicide attempt, withdrawal, or liver failure.

I have had a miserable day. I missed a meeting at work because I wasn't sure it was happening because I only got emails some weeks about the weekly meeting, so I thought maybe it wasn't every week. Nobody said anything to me about missing it, but I felt guilty.

Then my supervisor tells me she wants me in training for a couple weeks. I had planned to suggest it, but her bringing it up made me more afraid about the work I did Monday and Tuesday. I ended up asking to talk to her when she said it because I didn't know what she knew about what I had been doing. I mentioned ECT and having memory loss. I mentioned being so scared that there were either emails I read while on leave and forgot or that there are updates that weren't sent in emails and nobody has remembered to tell me. It didn't help that she then spent the rest of the day changing her mind about what I could do. First she talked about me sitting with someone. Then she said I could take some cases and send them for QC. Then she had me do the pull and every time I mentioned it, she changed who I was supposed to give it to. So I was afraid that I would do what she told me but get in trouble because she changed her mind about what I should do. And every time she would talk to the lead, I was convinced that it was about me.

It didn't help that I also didn't feel well. I felt nauseous and flushed. I kept feeling like if I tried to stand up I would faint. I didn't know if it was because I took 10 Diurex before work and had screwed up my liver. I eventually decided that it was probably alcohol withdrawal because this used to happen. Before work, I bought a bottle of Tylenol. I keep one in a drawer at work, but a few months ago I overdosed on what was left in it. Today I bought the bottle, opened it with the intention to OD, and then decided that someone might see me. Then I probably wouldn't be able to avoid going to the ER, and I might lose my job for inappropriate behavior.

I am aware that I probably went back to work too soon. I was already scared by the memory loss. I knew that I was still avoiding things I need to do like checking my mail. I wasn't really ready to be alone in my apartment. Now, I don't know if I can manage to stop this before I end up in the hospital.. or will this be a repeat of before. Will I cease to function and drink until I start turning yellow? Will I end up so dehydrated that I get dizzy every time I stand? Or will I just die this time? I get the feeling I should be more worried about my liver. I should probably see my GP to see how my body is holding up. I am scared of somehow being forced into hospital. I probably should be, but I feel bad enough about last time because I didn't give anyone warning. I talked to the boss and then immediately left. I have no idea who knows what. Nobody has really said anything about it, but I would almost rather they said something. I would make up some excuse, but if they asked where I was or said something, I might have some idea of what they know. Not talking about it makes me worried that they know everything.

Oh and the other adult task I am failing at is making a dentist appointment. The hygienist was rather rude and critical last time, and it made me uncomfortable. However, my gums are really screwed up in one place. I really think I might walk in if I go and say that I don't need a lecture on flossing. I have had other very serious problems to deal with. I know that the alcohol and sugary drinks have damaged my teeth. I know I have blacked out or fallen asleep without brushing my teeth some nights. Other nights I knew if I brushed them I would vomit. So I just want to know what can be done now without more guilt. Bulimia has already caused a lot of damage and led to lectures about my enamel. Still, I would rather not lose my teeth and this spot is right in the front and it hurts.

For now the main goal is not ending up in hospital. Also probably not dying, but I have mixed feelings about that. I am home now and have had enough to drink that I feel better. Tomorrow is a new day.

Wanting to give up

I didn't succeed in having the 4 drinks my psychiatrist wanted me to limit myself to. I really don't remember exactly how much I drank. I had a rough night. I had a very hard time staying asleep despite the alcohol. I finally gave up and got out of bed. I felt so nauseous and tired.

I feel like my brain is especially obsessive lately. I guess because I don't give myself enough opportunities to get the thoughts out. I spent quite some time obsessing over what to do next. I had to eat lunch. I had to decide if I would drink before seeing my parents. I ended up having McDonald's and going to Central Market to buy hot cross buns because I keep seeing people post pictures on instagram, but I don't think I ever had one. I tried to find individual/small bottles of wine there and didn't find what I wanted. I decided to go to the liquor store since I needed vodka anyway.

I had a good dinner with my parents. I drove home obsessing over my mental health and work concerns. I feel like giving up. I feel like overdosing to see if that would truly destroy my liver. I played out imaginary conversations and what I would say if I am asked how I am doing. I know that I want to confess how poor my health is and my fears about losing my memory or my ability to work. I want to express my desire to give up and self destruct and do those behaviors that will either kill me or end with me being hospitalized. I thought of what I would really say which is that I don't want to worry people and telling the truth worries people. I worry that with coworkers their opinion of me would change if they truly knew how many times I have been in treatment. It's a dozen psych ward stays, 2 residential, and countless iop and php attempts. I have spent tons of money on therapists and psychiatrists and ridiculous numbers of medications. I don't think most people can really comprehend severe mental illness. They don't know how crippling it can be. They don't understand what it's like to try to function. I sometimes wonder if I am really able to keep a job. My attempts at work and school have really been a cycle frequently interrupted by hospitalization. I debate if this means I need longer term treatment or if I am overreacting and really should be able to work. I think it's the former because I don't think it's healthy to think that 30 is a good age to die.

I am home now and attempting not to think because I feel like it could only end badly.

"And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty,
And like the cat I have nine times to die"
Sylvia Plath "Lady Lazarus"
Does it foreshadow anything that I wrote my senior paper on this poem in high school? That was more to do with other lines, but still I am 30

"Dying is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well."

The last year of high school was oddly the least suicidal I have ever been. I lived past my planned suicide date; and having survived that, I decided to just live. I was accepted to college, so it didn't even really matter how well I studied. Still, that poem has always brought out something in me. I wrote a paper on Lady Lazarus and thought it funny? to pain a mirror with lines from the poem Mirror. Despite its many attempts to fall off the wall and kill me (do not hang a mirror with a wooden frame above your bed with 3M strips), it still hangs in my bedroom.

*** Next day edit
So I took 10 Diurex (pamabrom) today. Recommended dose is 1. I was going to take Tylenol but couldn't find it. I don't think it's a good sign when I spend so much time contemplating overdosing in the morning.

You know you're an alcoholic when...

Your psychiatrist pleads with you to only have 4 drinks tonight. He even gave me permission to take an extra Seroquel if I have trouble sleeping because of it. It was a rough appointment. I spent a lot of time staring at the floor because all I wanted to say was I give up, but I couldn't say it when he looked so concerned. He was trying really hard. I tried to explain my apartment. I said how it progressed from drinking in my kitchen, to drinking in my living room, to now eating and drinking in my bedroom. I don't cook. I don't watch TV. I basically only watch Netflix on my phone.

I have been having a rough week. I am nauseous all the time. Then I was stupid and bought some protein shakes and this low calorie ice cream. I don't know if it's the vodka or the massive amount of sugar alcohols I have been consuming, but my digestive tract is quite unhappy. So I settled on real ice cream for dinner tonight because usually that doesn't make me nauseous and I am not having any more artificial sweeteners until (TMI) my horrible diarrhea stops. I also bought pedialyte because I can tell I'm dehydrated.

Oh and back to my psychiatrist appointment. On top of everything else, as I was leaving (so not the greatest timing), he looks at me and asks if I am getting visible blood vessels on my face. I am. He asked if I know why. I didn't. He says it means my liver isn't processing estrogen well, and estrogen causes blood vessels to expand. It's basically an early sign of liver failure. He had asked earlier if I had been jaundice, and I had explained about my eyes. I told him what the doctor told me in the hospital after seeing the blood tests. He commented that it was concerning. I shrugged because I don't really care, though admittedly liver failure is not the best way to go.

I am frustrated that he always talks about which medications have weight gain as a side effect. I really try not to think about it because the last thing I need is to be too afraid to take my meds. I think it's because I have an eating disorder that he says it to reassure me, but really it makes me think about it. I really try to keep the eating disorder to a minimum because my body is in bad enough shape from the alcohol. Really, I have to force myself to eat at times. I think I have lost some of the weight I gained because I don't feel like eating. I am just too scared to step on a scale. He asked me about Vyvanse or Ritalin and if it would help my motivation, and I turned it down. Stimulants bring out my OCD traits and paranoia. I don't need that right now. I'm scared enough.

He didn't seem too concerned about the memory loss. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it realizes how scary it is to not remember things that happened only a couple weeks ago or days ago. I did finally remember that the event that led to the doctor agreeing to outpatient ECT was a patient throwing coffee in someone's face. I couldn't remember that when I tried to tell a friend over the weekend.

I think I left the hospital too soon and will probably end up going back either for depression or my liver. I am not sure I can pull myself out of this downward spiral that started when I went back to my apartment. The question is if I have motivation to get help or if someone will notice and step in.

What did I miss

So today was my second day back at work. It didn't start out very well. I woke up feeling sick again and was convinced all day something was wrong. I was convinced people were looking at me strangely. At the grocery store, too many people asked if I needed help. Admittedly, I was wandering aimlessly, but I hadn't really gone there looking for anything. I just needed to kill time. Then I got to work and my legs were all sweaty from the seats in my car and my teeth hurt.

When things really started to worry me is when I forgot the door code. I knew walking up that I didn't remember it even though I managed to remember yesterday. I tried guessing but got it wrong. I was too embarrassed to be seen trying multiple times. I was too embarrassed to text someone to ask. I wandered back to the parking lot and thankfully someone else had just gotten there. I pretended to be just arriving and walked slowly so she would get to the door first.

So the rest of the day I worried. What if a policy changed and nobody emailed me? What if I read an email but forgot it? It didn't help that there were things nobody told me. Like I got this weird email last week from someone who worked from home. She said she hadn't chatted with me recently and that she has LinkedIn and Facebook. Well apparently, she was laid off. I only know because I mentioned the email to someone else.

Now I'm debating asking to be put back in training, where someone else reviews every case before it gets closed. That way if I miss something, I find out before the client sees it. Also before I get fired. It's just that I have never been gone this long before. I also don't know if I should admit to having problems with memory and concentration. I don't know exactly what the manager knows. I don't know if that she doesn't know much about ECT or if she's walking on eggshells around me. I did tell the HR guy that I did ECT because I had to explain why my plan (if you can call any of this planned) of going for a week became being gone nearly a month.

I spent last night drinking and searching ECT and memory loss on Google. Supposedly, this won't last long. Though if I keep drinking and forgetting my meds, things may not improve. I also apparently get hangovers now. That's fun. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I may ask about going back on Seroquel because if I feel like things have been worse since they took me off it. Maybe my liver is doing better.. though I know drinking isn't going to help.

I am scared and somehow convinced that I have screwed up my life beyond repair. I will never be able to clean my apartment. I will lose my job and end up on disability. I don't think poorly of people on disability, but I am not convinced I could handle it. I would have too much time and end up self destructing. Or I will just self destruct anyway, and I will kill myself. I am already wondering about cutting my wrist so maybe someone will realize I am not doing well. I am quickly sliding back into old habits. I can't stand to be in my apartment sober. I have a notice from the IRS in my purse to deal with. I still haven't checked my mail. I need to get my car inspected. I am debating if killing myself or getting myself hospitalized would be easier than sorting out my life. I don't know.

Back to work

Today was my first day back at work. Not going to lie, I spent my weekend drunk. Apparently, my body can't handle it as well as before because I blacked out last night and slept until almost time for work.

Everyone was happy to see me. I apparently looked terrified. I was terrified. My memory is still so fucked up. I realized this over the weekend. I had lunch with a friend and I told her about how I did outpatient ECT because I managed to convince the psychiatrist it would be better for me to get out of the hospital. I then realized that I can't really remember what happened inpatient that he agreed. Like I seriously don't remember much of inpatient at all and I don't know how much was the ECT and how much is that hospital stays tend to blend together in my memory.

So I was scared to go to work. I checked my email a few times while on leave, so I was scared that I had read protocol changes and then forgotten, so I had to re check all those emails. Then the other analyst kept asking me how to handle things. I finally made him call the supervisor about one issue, and then he handed me his phone to explain it. She agreed with me, but I didn't want to be the one to tell him what to do since it was my first day back. I didn't know if I was only hesitant because of fear, so I needed her to tell me what to do.

I hope this gets better. I really don't think I can do this job if it doesn't. I am scared that I will either end up having to change careers or that I will end up on disability.

So I was not in the best mental state after work. I went to Chik-FIL-a after work and barely ate half my food because I was nauseous (hangover I guess?). Then I went to the grocery store and kinda blankly wandered around. I ended up buying protein ice cream for dinner. I ate half the pint and then realized it had more than 20 grams of sugar alcohols and I probably shouldn't eat all of it because my intestines would hate me.

I am debating talking to the manager tomorrow. I am wondering if it would be better to be honest about my fear and my memory problems. Maybe they can treat me like a trainee until I am confident. I would rather talk to her than make a mistake and have it come up because of that. I don't really know what she knows. I don't know if the HR guy mentioned ECT. I did tell the manager today that I felt bad for not really telling anyone what I was doing. I didn't give any advance warning and it ended up being longer than planned. I wasn't sure if they would be upset, which she wasn't. I think they're glad I am back and doing better. I don't think it was much of a secret that I was unwell.

I hope my memory improves. I also hope my appetite improves because I was weak enough when I was eating. I bought protein shakes and prunes at the grocery store.. prunes were the only food that sounded good if that says anything about it. Probably still hungover. I also apparently didn't take my meds last night or this morning, so that's bad.

Oh in random news, being back at my apartment meant I could finally load an Amazon gift card to the app. I was waiting until I had the gift card to buy a Fitbit Alta because I need something to look forward to. I had it shipped to my parents house, so I will get it Thursday. I just don't like the Garmin app as much as fitbit. I fully acknowledge that it probably isn't a healthy purchase for a bulimic but whatever.

Fear, Fat, and Frozen yogurt

I apologize in advance because this probably isn't going to make a whole lot of sense because I am going to try to explain the way I am feeling, and there is no logic behind this feeling. I am not even sure what to call it. Fear is probably the closest I can get to naming it.

So today I went back to my apartment. I convinced myself I was ready and needed to go. Boy, was I wrong about being ready.

I left my apartment in quite a state. In part this is because I didn't expect to be away for several weeks. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. It was a mess to begin with, but I have found some very gross food items that I left and didn't think ahead to what they would look like in 3 weeks. In that time, I only stopped by once to pick up some clothes.

When I got home today, I was already feeling a bit off... it was only the 2nd time I had driven in the past several weeks, and i drove home with 2 upset cats in the car. I walked into an apartment where I can barely see any carpet. This is the first time the apartment has reached a state where I don't think I can clean it. I have briefly debated what would happen if I just left it when my lease ends, but I am sure they would charge me a ton. I have debated practical ways of handling it. Like I will gather one bag of trash a day until it is all gone. However, in the past that hasn't worked because I create trash and mess at the same time as I am cleaning. I am probably going to hire someone at some point, but I kinda want it to be a stranger so I don't feel judged. In the meantime, I did a few tasks.. I got rid of the old litter box and put the new one together. I gathered some trash and took some bags out.

Honestly, I only worked on it because I couldn't handle the thought of just sitting in my apartment. It's a reminder of all that is wrong in my life. It is the biggest unmanageable. I am still not convinced I want to be alive, and I am coming home everyday to an apartment full of trash. It makes me feel worthless.

I have other fears. A lot of them are unknowns. Like my teeth have been hurting, but I am scared to go to the dentist and find out what's wrong with them. I am scared to even look at them and see the erosion or cavities. I am still out of shape and struggling to carry things up to the apartment or walk up the stairs without holding the railing. My arms are flabby and have lost muscle. I don't understand how I can struggle to walk up the stairs when I did it on a daily basis. There's no nutritional reason. I have gained weight in the weeks since I quit drinking because I have been eating more and have been in environments where people served me food. I did go back to mostly being vegetarian.. I did eat chicken today, but I intend to go back to vegetarian now. I really never stopped believing I shouldn't eat meat, but I chose the attitude that I needed to get calories in and so I could eat what was convenient. When I was drinking heavily, I chose to eat convenience foods to make sure that I wasn't doing additional damage by not eating enough. In the hospital and afterward, it was easy enough to give up meat.

So my apartment is a major source of fear, but there is another fear that I cannot define. I guess the only way to explain it is that I am afraid that I am not going to live much longer. I think the idea is that very little changed while I was in the hospital or at my parents house. Now that I am back in my own home, I am very aware of how little changed. I still want to die. I am scared of going back to work and people commenting on my being gone. I am scared that I am already thinking of overdosing and what pills I have.

I have another fear about going back to work. I am scared I won't be able to do it. My memory is screwed up. There were many times while with my parents that I didn't remember things we talked about. Yesterday, I swear my mom mentioned me going to a meeting at 11.. so in my head I was convinced the meeting was at 11. I walked to the meeting, and nobody was there. Turned out the meeting was at 12, so I walked home and then walked back. But this kind of thing keeps happening. I am worried about what is going to happen at work. I don't know if it is appropriate to explain to someone why my memory is screwed up because I don't want them convinced it is my fault. Between my memory being bad and being covered in bruises from the IVs.. I look like I have been doing drugs.

The other fear is that my memory won't improve. I won't be able to handle working.. I won't be able to live alone safely. Then what happens? Am I going to end up on disability at 30? Am I just going to kill myself either intentionally or with alcohol?

So my head is in a dark place. I am going through the motions. I took out some trash. I went and bought hair dye. I went to a meeting. The meeting was about a woman's son dying. He had a history with drugs and mental illness. This only made me think more about dying. It made me want to die and it reminded me that people would be hurt.

I started writing this last night. I came home and drank. I watches 30 Rock and Intervention and went to bed. Now I am killing time before lunch. I considered texting my parents, but I imagine they're sick of me. I will probably go shopping after lunch. Then I will probably drink again. I seriously am afraid that I will end up unable to work. I guess there's no point thinking about it.

Memory

I am supposed to be going back to work Monday. I am becoming increasingly concerned about how my brain is working. I am constantly forgetting things. Today I was convinced that I was going to an AA meeting at 11. I got there and checked the schedule and it was at noon. I honestly wondered if the group changed the time. Later I panicked when I realized that I wasn't wearing my cross. I had no idea what happened to it. I looked through my purse and then gave in and asked my mom. She said I gave it to her when the chain broke and it was on her desk. I do remember now that the chain broke, but I don't actually remember what happened.

So I am concerned about Monday. I seem to have trouble remembering things that people tell me. My long term memory is OK. The issue at work is how to explain this problem to people who don't know what I have been doing. I am tempted to mention the ECT to the manager because I don't want her to think that I am drinking or taking medication that is affecting my mind. Add in the bruises from all the IVs that make it look like I started using intravenous drugs.

I also feel a little bad because I didn't tell my supervisor or manager that I was taking time off. I only talked to the boss, and I only told her some of the truth. I left work with no actual plan about getting help. I guess I will see what happens Monday. I really hope the memory problems get better soon because I feel a bit anxious not being able to remember things.

Going back to work

I was for a while very anxious about returning to work. I finally got a notice that my leave was approved, so I am less anxious now. I am also just ok with going back to work because I am so over ECT and staying with my parents. I hate how long I have to lay around after ECT. I go in at 6:30 and leave around 11, and I am not allowed to drive anywhere. They also said in front of my parents that I need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I wish they understood that meetings make me very anxious, and it doesn't mean I relapsed if I am having a terrible day and skip one meeting.

The day in question related to the psychiatrist who does the ECT. I got there and the nurse asked if we had remembered to go get registered in the new software. I had totally forgotten. She said they would get me and another woman registered when we got downstairs. Then they couldn't. I was feeling more depressed anyway, my head and neck hurt, and I was tired. The psychiatrist was frustrated about the registration thing. Wednesday was supposed to be my last session, but he added one Friday and said we would decide then about doing more.

I intend to tell him that I won't do more ECT next week. I want to go back to work. The ECT doesn't seem to be helping me anymore. It helped some, but more doesn't seem to make a difference. The issue is that the doctor is the type that thinks he knows better than me. I can see him refusing to release me to return to work. His office was supposed to update the date I expected to return, and I don't think that was done. So tomorrow is probably not going to be fun. I will go on Friday, but that's it. I need to do something other than watch TV all day.