Anxiety

These past couple weeks I feel like I'm sinking. It's not an obvious downward spiral like some in the past. This is a lot more subtle and has left me questioning myself as to whether or not it's normal or a valid cause for concern.

I don't really know when it started. I just know that I am much more anxious and bothered by a lot of things that I was handling ok. I am back to being exhausted when I come home from work at 7pm.. like I am yawning on the drive home. Except, work has been unusually slow this week. I went home early on a couple nights and spent time sitting around on others. Most days weren't physically tiring (although yesterday I got smacked in the face by a Goldendoodle and later an Irish wolfhound who were jumping on me). Mentally and emotionally, work has been difficult. I am back to worrying in my head all day about everything.. have I been sitting down too long? do I seem lazy? what time should we do this? is it too early or too late? can I ask someone to do this or tell them something or will that be rude? was I too rude to the dog that's being a total jerk and jumping on me? The other night (please don't judge me for this story) I was just generally having a hard time with the dogs. Dogs that are normally well behaved were being difficult. Like there's these 2 Irish wolfhounds (very large dogs) boarding with us who I adore. Normally (I have done this on multiple occasions) I can put a leash on one and the other will follow me the short distance from the yard to their room. That night one decided to wander off. Well, I put her sister in the room and the other dog I had leashed (I only had 2 leashes). I am calling the other and this special needs girl who works for us was just standing and watching. This was not the first time that day that she had just stood around watching me do things rather than doing her work. She's also not supposed to touch the dogs or go in rooms, but she kept trying to pet them while I had them on leashes which makes them act up. So I said as calmly as I could "Are you picking up bowls?" she nodded (not actually doing anything) "Can you do that and stop watching the dogs?". I felt horrible because I know I said it kind of harshly, but if there was a dog loose in the bag (even one completely harmless like this one) it was not a good idea for her to just stand there. I won't even go into the time I was trying to wrestle a dog (not harmless.. an obnoxious and out of control labrador) into his room and she just stood there and watched. I had to tell her to leave because I didn't want her getting hurt if he got away.

But anyway.. I am just a constant ball of worry at work now. I just anxiously wait for everything to be done and then you would think I would be relieved. No.. then I go home and worry about other things. Recently, it's been christmas shopping. I became obsessed with having a "good" Christmas list to give my parents and brother.. it had to be things that I wanted/needed but weren't too expensive or too weird or would take up too much space in the house. Then I had to pick the perfect gifts for them and spend the right amount of money. I don't like to buy off lists because I want them to think I know them well enough to pick the presents, but then I feel guilty for not buying what they ask for. Then I had everything picked out but didn't want to order them too early because I might later find a better option or they might think I was weird for buying things too soon.. and since I have Prime shipping on amazon this could have carried on until 2 days before Christmas. I finally ordered everything yesterday on my break at work because I needed to stop thinking about it. It was occupying my evenings and then keeping me up at night. I know this anxiety is largely because I wasn't around last Christmas. I went into hospital on Christmas Eve and then into rehab until mid January. I didn't buy anyone presents, but they bought me things that I opened whenever I got home. I wasn't there for any other holiday plans, and i was honestly grateful at the time because the drinking was horrible and so was the suicidal thoughts. Plus, last year I had zero money and was just building credit card debt to buy alcohol. I couldn't afford gifts. This year I am here and have some money, and I feel like I have to make up for last year.

I am just finding everything too much. I am exhausted and anxious and keeping it all inside. Last night my mom mentioned we were going to a restaurant today that is not what I was originally told. I was exhausted from work and trying to read stuff on my phone and I guess I made a face. She asked if I didn't want to go because I made a face. I can't explain that I was already very anxious because I came home from work to see they brought all the Christmas decorations out of storage and so that plus the fact that we would need to go to the grocery store meant that I was already anxious about the almost certain fact that they would be arguing today. That meant my day off would include awkwardly listening to them fight and trying to keep the peace.. plus possibly decorating.. plus grocery shopping which is stressful with them.. and now I was facing going to a new restaurant I had never been to. That meant I needed to look up the menu because I always choose what I am going to get in advance (it's not an ED thing.. just anxiety) and figure out what I would need to wear to a new place. This all just means that my day off isn't a day off. It's an exhausting series of anxiety provoking activities. In my current mental state, my ideal day off would involve watching Netflix in bed and sleeping. Honestly, work days are less anxiety provoking than my days off right now.. and I couldn't think of any polite way to explain all this, so I just said I wasn't upset.

So yes.. things are just hard right now, and I would seriously love a few drinks or at least a day where I don't have to deal with people. I have no idea what to do about any of this. I don't want more medication (at least not unless they could give me benzos). My case worker/counselor is proving to be useless. I did explain a lot of this to her, but she didn't really offer advice or a solution. I have stopped IOP.. partly because I don't want to have to keep lying about my last relapse and my sobriety date and partly because it wasn't helping to sit around and watch the same stupid videos I have seen at least twice. I have started going to another support group, but I am unsure what to think of it. It's more for mental health.. the first week we talked about breathing exercises and emotions but there were 4 of us there and only 2 of us talked. Last week it was about gratitude and we watched a video and then he let us go very early. I ended up sitting outside for like 20 minutes because I didn't want to text my mom to come get me that early and have her criticize or question the group (and in my mind me for choosing this over IOP). I am hoping to have health insurance soon, but I don't know what it will cover in terms of mental health.. so I don't know if anything will improve. I just want the holidays to be over with because it's only going to get worse.

The mess that is my life

Sorry I haven't been posting. I actually keep writing posts and deleting them because they don't seem important enough.. or they're just a rambling mess. I think I struggle to post positive things, and I also think my life is very monotonous. For a couple months not much has changed, and the things I am dealing with I am actively avoiding thinking about. I think I will try to organize this by topics.. that might work better.

Eating disorder.. I am actually doing quite well. I don't think I consciously chose recovery. I still don't think I have it in my head that I am recovering or want recovery because I view the eating disorder as a life long problem. I just reached a point when I started working that I didn't have the energy to keep doing it. I would eat a meal and just be too tired to purge. I am busy, so I am not constantly eating. So I haven't binged or purged in at least a month now. It is nice to use that energy for other things. I am actually losing weight from all the walking at work and from eating less (and medication changes), and that's nice. I honestly think my meds lead to a lot of weight gain and so did the stress eating. I don't eat all that unhealthy otherwise.

Alcohol.. I had another relapse this past week when my parents went out of town. I don't feel all that guilty. Part of me wonders if my life is just going to be periods of sobriety with occasional binge drinking because I still don't really want to not drink. As soon as I am left alone, I cannot tolerate it. I don't know what to do with myself. I was amazed I managed to kill a couple hours after they left before going to a meeting and then the liquor store (my excuse if anyone asked why I left the house was that I walked to an AA meeting..). I guess after a couple days though I can see I wouldn't be able to sustain it. I drank 2 bottles of vodka in 3 days, and I was exhausted and nauseous the last day when I had to get up for work. But I am thinking of how to get away with doing it again? I am going to AA, but I am so not at a place where I want anything to do with God. I am not willing to believe that the only solution has to be a spiritual one, and I am scared to discuss that with anyone because my last sponsor said she was OK with this but then still told me to pray. Some days it all feels like a cult, and I am going to keep up appearances and because I need the connection.. but I am not really working any sort of program.

Depression and mental health.. Well, I am seeing a new psychiatrist and a new case worker. The psychiatrist is.. better? Not perfect.. but the first time I met with her I convinced her to lower my seroquel because I was almost too drowsy to function. She did that readily. She asked a bunch of questions.. I think trying to figure out how I ended up on the meds I am on.. asking about mania or anger or anything that would lead to me being on 600mg of Seroquel. I think she saw my point that it was unnecessary, but she might still think I am bipolar or something. The case worker.. I like. I have seen her twice, and she seems very goal oriented. She asks a lot about what goals I want.. and I have explained a lot about how I do set small goals once or twice a week. I have some big problems that if I think about them as a whole, are overwhelming and can lead to impulsive behaviors. I do things a step at a time, and she likes that method. We talked about trying to be more social and independent a future goals, and right now that mostly means not avoiding my coworkers so much. She also is OK with me stopping the aftercare IOP group because I am not getting anything out of it anymore, and I am going to look into another support group they offer that covers all mental health and not just addictions.

Work.. going very well. My supervisor finally asked after a month at least of me being schedule 35 hours a week (considered full time over 30) if I want to be full time or part time. I said full time is good now that I know I can handle it (didn't mention that I also was originally doing part time because I was applying for disability). I have gotten praise from multiple people there on how I am doing, which makes me super uncomfortable but also happy. I like the people.. although I have skipped the last 2 times they planned things outside of work. In my defense, they told me the day of the first thing and the day before the 2nd. I need more notice than that since I don't have a car and also must mentally prepare. I am talking to people more at work instead of just pacing around the back.

Other shit.. I have a consultation Monday with a bankruptcy attorney. That's the issue I have been avoiding and approaching slowly. I am not thinking about what happens after the consultation either if I go through with this or have to find another solution to the debt problems. I continue to reassure myself that the creditors can't take things I don't have. Even if they take my money, I am not actually spending it. It's all just sitting there until I figure out what to do. I definitely need professional advice because I am clueless about these things. I just had to find an attorney that offered payment plans or something because the first lady just said it would be $2500 and to do the debt counselling and call her back. I am not going to go with her. I am not thinking further into the future about things like moving out or anything because I need to deal with the wreckage of the past first.

I was very happy that with this new job, I could buy my brother and my mom birthday presents. I've bought a few clothes for myself and finally splurged on a set to do gel nail polish that was only like $17. Also when my parents were gone, I've taken Lyft to and from work, so I am not 100% relying on them for transportation. I also opened a checking account (that I had to check the balance of today because I haven't used it since I opened it but had my direct deposit go through twice). It's amazing even having that much freedom. I ordered Indian food while my parents were gone from a vegetarian Indian restaurant, and that was pretty cool.

So I am exhausted.. I am still often tired and overwhelmed and counting the hours until bed. Things aren't perfect, and I am afraid it will all come crashing down. I'm still here though.

An update and a rant (the usual)

I am not really sure when or what I posted the last time, so I am just going to do a general update if anyone is interested. Then if my exhausted brain is still working well enough, I will ramble a bit about some alcohol/recovery related stuff.

I started to type that things are going well, but I don't know if that is really accurate. Things still feel very shaky. I am doing well in many ways, but I feel like mentally it would take very little to change that. Like if anything stressful happens or even if I get too tired, I still have the crazy thinking that could lead to something stupid. It's just pretty quiet right now because of the energy that it takes for me to function on a daily basis. I have in my head this vague understanding of the routine that I maintain to keep me sane and functioning. Like I don't think normal people function this way. I have for months now been sleeping to 9:30-9:40 every morning. Anything later than that seems like it's too late and that isn't socially acceptable.. or basically I feel like if i sleep any later then my parents will either think I am lazy or suspect that I am drinking. I can wake up earlier but really  not for more than a couple days before I start to feel more tired and more irritated and also just anxious over the thought that I am sleeping less. I go to bed every night between 11 and 11:30. Anything before 11 is not acceptable and may seem suspicious. I slept all the time when I drank and I had periods of depression where I went to bed earlier just as an excuse to escape from my family. I then watch an episode of Greys Anatomy in bed after taking my meds, feeding the cats, and brushing my teeth etc. I browse certain websites/forums and check instagram. This hour or so of time in bed is MY time because I get to be alone and do the things I actually want to do. I have nights where my body is sore and exhausted and I pretty much fall into bed. This still means I sleep 9 hours a night most of the times, and I have been thinking for the past couple weeks that I shouldn't be exhausted if I go a night or two on less sleep. A few days I have had to get up at 5am to go to work at 6, and it leaves me so tired I could cry by the early evening. I finally came to the conclusion that I am a person with severe depression, and I simply need more sleep than some people. I also can't really make up for lost sleep on other days because sleeping late is not acceptable and also because I like to have a certain amount of time to get ready in the morning. Getting ready isn't just showering and eating breakfast.. I have to go on my computer and check certain sites and I have to watch TV and just it all has to happen in a certain way to avoid stress.

But yeah.. work is screwing with this because the manager I think is either not aware that I discussed being part time with the supervisor that interviewed me.. or just doesn't care. I have been working 35 hours a week when he does the schedule including working at 6am Friday, then noon-9PM yesterday, and 6am again today.. and last night was fucking crazy. It's this whole passive aggressive mess between the back of house supervisor and this girl that was hired a couple weeks after me. Basically.. no one really has been telling her what she needs to be doing differently/better. They just keep complaining about it to me and each other when she's not there. I can clearly see that the primary issue is that this new girl gets overwhelmed really easily and then panics and can't get stuff done. She was never really told she had to be independent (like I was) so she always comes to ask what to do.. but sometimes they just avoid her and are surprised that she doesn't do the right things. I have been uncomfortable from the beginning that they left me to help train her when I was new and now I am not comfortable being the one correcting her and telling her what she needs to do differently. Like I try to calm her down when she's panicked (because maybe she can't find a dog's food on the dinner cart) and comes to me and says she can't find it. I would just go to the kitchen and look but she has to be told that and then explain to me why she's confused about it. Sometimes I will flat out correct her if it's something with serious consequences.. and sometimes I just can't because I am exhausted and SUPER ANXIOUS in my own head and will snap. Like I told her 3 times last night where 2 dogs rooms were. I mean I see the problem because I am/was just as anxious and would get lost taking dogs back and worry about things that weren't right.. but I keep it to my damn self and only ask questions when I can't figure it out. But yeah.. so last night the supervisor and I did a LOT of work while she did relatively little.. and the supervisor was really pissed off and I was just exhausted and thinking that I had to be up at 5 today. Being exhausted leads to a lot of impulsive thoughts.. like swallowing bottles of pills.. and I'm too tired at time to fight them rationally, so I just have to stay busy until I can sleep.

One thing about this job is that it has helped the ED situation. Honestly, I am just too tired to purge anymore. I am probably eating less because of working and not being so bored. I have gone from walking 3-4,000 steps a day to 10-20,000 on days I work.. so I am ok with it. The depression is not awful. It's there, and the anxiety is there. I am dealing with looking for a bankruptcy attorney again (at my parents pressure) because legal aid wouldn't help me. I also have the financial issue and lawsuit over the one credit card bill. I am trying just not to give a fuck because 1. I have no defense.. I owe the money 2. I have no property they can take and 3. I have almost no money.. and the only thing that could fix it is the bankruptcy. I am just choosing not to think about it.. I am wondering at what point I should figure out what to do with my money. I don't know if I should be giving it to my parents, paying smaller bills, saving it, or what. I have only spent a little.. basically bought another pair or work shoes and pants, my mom's birthday present, and that's pretty much it.

On the topic of alcoholism.. I have no fucking clue. I have been sober since August. I haven't contacted my AA sponsor in weeks. I am really struggling with the whole idea of AA. There is a line in the book that says "To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face" that sums it up. I am fine with believing alcoholism is a mental and physical illness, but I am not buying into the only solution being spiritual at this point. I feel like people (mainly my sponsor and my IOP therapist) say it's fine for my higher power not to be god, but then after a while start wanting me to talk about god. This is partially my own fault for clarifying that I do/did believe in a creator, so they think it's ok to talk about. My therapist wanted me to write assignments as if I believed. My sponsor wanted me to actually talk to god. I said repeatedly that I don't believe in a god that I can have a relationship with, and that God and I are not on speaking terms. She would say that's fine, and then tell me to ask God everyday to remove my desire to drink and to keep saying my 3rd step prayer everyday. If I say I am not speaking to God, I am not speaking to god. That includes just saying words out loud as if I was talking to him... words mean something. Saying that stuff out loud is like saying I am read to actually try to have that relationship again.. and I have tried. This whole God thing has been complicated since I was a child, so this isn't something that just happened during my drinking. So now I go to AA meetings and sit there feeling distant and not a part of. **absolutely no offense meant to anyone this is just my feelings** It feels a little like a cult. It feels impossible that these people all found a higher power and have these great relationships with him or her or whatever. It also feels like if I am not able to accept that solution, I am screwed. So I don't know what to do. I am not drinking, but I am fantasizing about that next opportunity. If there isn't a solution for me, then part of me wonders why I should bother. I can either risk having an occasional drinking binge with periods of abstinence in between, or I can risk the drinking binges leading to death because I am honestly not so well as to not see that as an appealing option. I accept feedback on this by the way, but NOT if it's to tell me to pray or build a relationship with God. It might happen, but it's not going to be now. Now I am just working on survival and spiritual life is not my concern.

Honestly right now I am just trying to hold out those last 10 minutes until I can go to bed.

Celebrating another year?

I don't exactly know what to say about how I am doing. The best I can try to explain it is that I have a very precarious grip on things. Everything appears fine from the outside, but I am aware of how easily it could all go to hell in a moment.

The biggest thing that's causing this is that my birthday is in a few days. If you go back far enough in this blog, you will see that on my birthday last year I was released from the hospital after a suicide attempt. It was not the only suicide attempt of 2017, and I'm not even sure if it was the last. There were a few experiments with methods that I wouldn't count as attempts (but that all the professionals counted as attempts). There were a few more overdoses, but the one last September was the only one I got caught for and ended up in a medical hospital and then in psych. My memory is really unclear about that time last year. I went to rehab in August after reaching a really low place with the drinking. I came home and about a week later I know I bought vodka. I was in an IOP program but insurance didn't want to keep paying. The night of the attempt I went to an AA meeting and no one else showed up. I overdosed on some meds I had.. then the next day started shaking and having trouble walking at IOP (on the day I was to  be discharged) and ended up being taken to the ER. I ended up doing ECT again after I was sent to psych, which is probably why my memory is blurry. Anyway, my brain keeps trying to remember details of last year and trying to piece it together. I try not to do that because it is easy to get sucked in to all the awful stuff that happened last year, and it leaves me feeling worthless and hopeless.

I was originally planning to ask not to celebrate my birthday because I didn't expect to have a job, and my brother's birthday is 4 days after mine. I didn't want to get presents if I couldn't buy him a present. Last year I think maybe I bought him a birthday present, but by Christmas I was broke and didn't buy anyone anything. Well, I got this job and couldn't convince myself to ask them not to do anything for my birthday because I didn't want to explain that thinking about my birthday and last year has me very depressed. So I am planning to just fake happy and go to dinner and accept presents. I hate knowing I will be 32 and living with my parents and dependent on them.

Well let's add to that part of things. I got a response about my disability application appeal. Basically, they decided my present symptoms are not enough to be considered disabling. I know that I am working now, so that may be correct. It said to contact them again if things get worse. I am pretty much always aware and planning for if things get worse. I am already wondering how to explain to my new bosses about my problems if it comes up. Like if they want to know why I asked to be part time or asked for a certain day off. I can lie. I just would rather not lie. I am debating now if I should be trying to go full time since I won't be getting disability, but I am already so exhausted and anxious and sinking into depression at times. I am trying to reassure myself that it is ok to return to normal functioning slowly. As low as I got (never getting out of bed, never sober, avoiding people, ECT, medication, hospitalizations, etc), it is normal to not want to try too much too quickly. Still, the response made me question whether or not I really have a problem and if I really should be able to do so much more than this. I am fighting the urge to sabotage things in all sorts of ways.

I am just so tired. It isn't the kind of tired that sleeping will completely fix, and when I am tired it is so much easier to do really stupid things. I am fighting those urges all the time. I haven't really had the energy for bulimia or self harm, and that's the only thing stopping those behaviors. I come home from work (7 hours on my feet with maybe 10 minutes sitting down) exhausted and sore, and I eat dinner and sit around waiting until it's time to shower and sleep. If I lived alone, I might just go to bed right away. I would love to drink. I just haven't had an opportunity to get to the liquor store because my parents have been home pretty much any time that I am. I know in my heart I will drink again when I have the chance.

I am struggling with sobriety. I am not calling my sponsor. I am going to meetings but not everyday because of work. I am questioning the program and its requirement of a belief in a higher power. Yes, they say it doesn't have to be God, but there is a definite pressure to make it god. My sponsor might say that she is fine with me using the group or whatever as my higher power, but then she tells me to ask God to remove the desire to drink or asks me to say prayers that have the word God in them. For a while, I didn't doubt my belief in a creator. I just wasn't on speaking terms with Him. I don't believe in a God that I can have a personal relationship with or that I can ask for things and be heard. I don't know if I believe in a benevolent creator. I explained this but the pressure from my sponsor was clearly to begin speaking to God and not supportive of my attempt to work the program without that relationship. Does that make any sense? I have talked about it with other people, so I know it isn't just me that feels the pressure to believe differently even if the program at its core doesn't say that we have to. Well actually, the chapter "We agnostics" that everyone cites as showing that agnostics can find sobriety too tells the story of an agnostic who suddenly begins to believe in God and falls to his knees and prays. I am very fearful of being forced back into a relationship with a God that I believed in and who created me with this depression and emptiness and all of my problems.

So between the memories of last year and my struggling to function and work and my struggles with AA, I feel like anything wrong that happens could drive me over the edge. I have pressure from my parents to do little things like open a bank account that scares me because I still have no idea how to rebuild my life. I don't know how I will ever fix my financial situation. I don't know how to  go from this to independence. I have no guidance for all that. I have very little professional support and basically no guidance on practical matters. I will stop rambling now. I am exhausted and had a hellish day at work. I should just go to bed.

Day one

I have had an exhausting week.. or weeks. I am just struggling with having the energy for it all. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I wanted to beat his head against a wall. I really cannot stand the man. Before I saw him, I saw a different case worker. She asked questions about how I was doing with the meds and just how I was doing in general. I was able to explain to her how the meds are making me feel so drowsy and exhausted and it's hard to function. She also looked at them and saw that it doesn't really make sense to be on all this given my diagnosis. Then I go see the doctor, and it was beyond frustrating. I said I was really tired. He asked about the depression, and I said it's still a problem. He started talking about increasing something. He asked if I have ever had an eating disorder or seizure disorder because I take Wellbutrin. I told him (NOT for the first time) that I have an eating disorder. He started saying how that is dangerous with Wellbutrin. I tried to say (trying not to snap at him) that I have taken it the majority of the past 11 years, and I have never had a seizure. I am not worried about it. He offered to increase my Lexapro, and I said maybe he could reduce the Seroquel. He started suggesting I just take 200mg in the morning and 400mg at night, so it's the same combined dose. This is where I started losing my patience. I said that I would like to reduce the dose. 600mg is too much. I have never been psychotic. He said it is also used for bipolar (I interrupted and said that I am NOT bipolar and have never been manic) and anxiety. He pulls out his phone and shows me what it's prescribed for and points out generalized anxiety disorder, treatment resistant. I point out that it doesn't suggest 600mg for that. The site said like 50-150mg for anxiety. He finally lowers it to 200mg in the morning and 200mg at night, and I give up because that's something at least. I see another doctor next month. I seriously almost lost it because he doesn't listen and it doesn't make sense to be on that high a dose.. or probably to be on the Lithium. Oh and then he wants to weigh me and is surprised I ask to weigh backwards. I had just reminded him that I was bulimic, and I had mentioned that most of my recent weight gain was after the Seroquel was increased from 200mg daily to 600mg and after the lithium was added. So how can he criticize my weight but refuse to take me off of any meds?

Then after that I had to go shopping for pants for work. Thankfully I was tired enough not to get really upset over it. I found a pair that fit nicely (actually kept having to pull them up today.. oops) and a new bra because one of mine died.

My big accomplishment this morning was to finally tell my mom that I am out of my levothyroxine and need to see a doctor for it. I lied about how long I have been out because I'm embarrassed that I was too embarrassed to ask her to take me somewhere to see someone. She ended up giving me some of her pills to at least make up for not having my own for a few days. I explained the options of where to go to get it, so I just have to find a day I am off work to go.

Then I went to work 12-4 today. I watched a couple training videos then pretty much followed people around. I helped get dogs for play groups. I was a little confused during this and just got the dogs I was told without being able to stop and read their notes to understand who goes to big dogs group, small dogs, etc. Then we filled water bowls. I got to pet lots of dogs. I also got to play with some of the ones that get individual play time. I helped with cleaning a couple cages. Then I spent some time out front learning where paperwork goes up there and being told various rules about handling the dogs in different situations. Then I helped with feeding dinner. I did mix up the food I was supposed to give to one dog with another because I had trouble hearing and was just stupid, but the person didn't act like it was a big deal. That was pretty much it. I work tomorrow and Saturday from 12-7. The supervisor started talking about me doing 12-7 all next week, and I kind of reminded her we had talked about me being part time. Basically I was already so tired I could cry after 4 hours, I knew that working 35 hours next week would end badly. I also almost snapped at my dad because I was talking about dinner tomorrow and if we would eat after I got home. He said "well, I know you will want to go to the 8pm meeting" and I honestly can't remember my response. What I want to say is that I know I will be exhausted, and I think it is reasonable to not make 7 meetings a week if I am working. If it comes down to being able to eat dinner or making the meeting, I would like to eat dinner. Not eating until 9 pm just sounds like torture. I didn't say all that because I knew I couldn't say it calmly, and I know they have no real sense of how tired I am. I will consider later what to say about it. I mean.. I think making 5 meetings a week or so is plenty.

So I will probably go to bed early tonight. It's been a long week

Good news or bad news

I am still feeling kind of lost with regards to my mental health, so this is probably going to be all over the place. I apologize for that.

The news I have is that I may have a job. I say may have because I had the interview and was offered the job, but I am waiting on some email from HR that's the next step in the process. I don't want to actually say I have the job until I actually finish the hiring process and start because in my pessimistic mind, it could still all go wrong. I mean.. twice during my drinking I was offered jobs that I never started. One I backed out of because I was irrationally afraid of working in a restaurant, and the second I ended up inpatient the day I should have started and just never called the store about it. This job is the first interview I have gone on in at least 6 months, and it was a very strange experience. I put in an application at a pet boarding/daycare place that my parents have used. I got a call within a couple hours asking me to set up an interview for the next day. It happened fast enough that I didn't have time to truly second guess it. Actually, I made a conscious effort before the interview to not think about what would happen later. My mind could certainly come up with a million reasons this was a terrible idea, but I chose not to think anything good or bad. I didn't want my hopes up either because I have been unemployed over a year, and I don't really have work experience with animals. I have volunteered in high school in a vet clinic, and I have done petsitting for a few friends. Otherwise, my experience just comes from having dogs and cats and having friends with dogs and cats. The interview was really easy. She didn't even really ask about my past jobs except the usual question about what employers would say my good qualities are. She said I could either work out front (with the people) or in back with the animals. I said I am open to both, but I probably would prefer the dogs at this point. She showed me around, and I hope that I made a good impression because the groomer had her 3 dogs in one room and I stopped to pet them. One jumped up and licked my face, and I kind of tried to get him to stop jumping (we had a dog who did that) but greeted the dogs and pet them. I got to see the dogs in back and where they let the dogs play. There was one cat that I stopped to pet. In the end she told me what to expect next in the hiring process, and I was surprised because I was expecting to have to wait to find out if I got it. I asked a bit about dress code and that was it. Now I'm just waiting for the email.. it was supposed to take 2-3 days and I did the interview Thursday. If I don't get it tomorrow, I will give her a call.

I am very anxious. I am not exactly doing well these days.. I mean I am screwing around with my meds a bit. I am having more suicidal thoughts (probably because next month will be a year since my last attempt). I am struggling with self harm and the bulimia. But I am going to be waiting forever if i wait until I am well to look for work. This is a good opportunity because I get to work more with animals than with people, and I like animals more than people on most days. I don't know if my parents are going to be happy about driving me. My dad has said that they will drive me, but I don't know if they will actually be happy to do it or act like it's a burden. I can take public transportation probably, but I need to have some money to pay for that. Right now I have a little cash but no debit/credit card or checking account. I am considering asking my parents for a bike for by birthday next month, so I could ride to work (it's less than 3 miles). The fear with that or public transportation is that increased independence means increased chances to get alcohol. I am already trying to figure out what to do with the money when I start getting paid.. do I pay my parents back for everything they've done? do I try to pay some medical bills? how will this affect filing for bankruptcy? I still definitely won't be making enough to pay all the bills I have.. I mean working part time at $9 an hour is not enough to pay back almost $30k in bills. I also don't know if I will be able to get benefits (the person who interviewed me didn't know how many hours I need for that). Plus, I get my meds for free right now because of my income and the place I go, but if I have insurance I will have to go elsewhere.. and then I will probably have to pay copays, and that could honestly take a lot of my income.

So see how a good thing can easily become a bad thing? I can think endlessly about it, so I am trying just not to. I am just waiting for the email. Then I will do whatever the next step is. I am not thinking too far ahead because I can sabotage this so easily.

I see my psychiatrist next week. I am planning to tell him that I need to be taken off of some meds. I am planning to say that he has no right to comment on my weight because 1. I know I am overweight and it's bad for my health 2. I am bulimic and that's pretty bad for my health and 3. I am on a very high dose of Seroquel and at least one other medication that can cause weight gain. I am mostly wanting to have the seroquel reduced or eliminated because I am always exhausted. I also just don't think I need to be on so many medications that don't make sense for my diagnosis. Then next month I am seeing a new psychiatrist because my case worker really disliked some comments the doctor made regarding my weight and eating despite having been told I have an eating disorder. I'm also on 2 antidepressants, an antipsychotic, an anti anxiety med, and a mood stabilizer... which is an awful lot and doesn't exactly make sense if I am diagnosed with depression. But I can't see the new person until October and I cannot be this tired all the time for another month.

So that is my rant and update. I will write again soon and let you know how things are progressing.

Relapse was not what I expected

So for a month or so my parents have been planning to go out of town for a couple days. They left on tuesday and came back today (thursday), which is the longest I have been left alone for a long time. Well, it went awful. I am going to keep this short because my brain is exhausted and not working very well. As soon as they left, I started drinking. I very quickly was too drunk to function. I had to nap off and on to make the vodka last until it was a socially acceptable time to go to bed. Wednesday night I started drinking rubbing alcohol. Today I felt really out of it. I cried at AA and picked up a desire chip. I am just exhausted and depressed. I will write more later. I have had a bad day

6 months

I still feel like things are crumbling. I think I determine how I am doing by how much of the day I am not anxious, obsessive, or longing to be in bed. These days that is so little of the day.

During the day, I have my mom complaining about my dad. I worry about her health. I worry that she is unhappy being married and that I am somehow either the cause of their problems or an obstacle to them splitting up. When they're both home, I am always on edge because of it. I just want space and quiet.

I am just exhausted all the time. I want to stop taking the Seroquel to see if that helps, but instead I just drink coffee to try to function. I am still considering job applications, but I am afraid to apply for anything that my parents would have to drive me to because I know they might say they are willing, but they will act like it's an inconvenience. I also just doubt I can handle more right now.

I just have 3 more days until my parents leave for a couple days. I know the next few days will be stressful because they always get stressed before trips. Like my dad was searching the house for the key to a lock box tonight at 11pm.. like it couldn't wait until a reasonable time. I was anxious because he went in my room. Both my parents went in my closet earlier in the week to find a suitcase, but I don't think they saw the vodka. I know they have the right to be in the room since it's their house, but I hate the lack of privacy. When they leave, I think I may either drink or try to take extra meds to sleep. I am just so tired. I am 6 months sober, but drinking sounds wonderful to me. I just want a break from consciousness and feeling. I guess I will see what happens once I am alone. I am definitely looking forward to whatever I decide to do because I can be alone.

Looking forward to...

Do you ever just feel like you're headed for a breakdown? I don't really know. I am exhausted and feeling very over medicated, and I am relying on coffee to function. My case worker is trying to get me in to see a different psychiatrist because mine doesn't seem concerned with the number of meds I'm on and seems oblivious to the fact that I have an eating disorder. I want to stop taking my Seroquel, but I am trying not to change my own meds because it always ends badly.

I am really struggling with people. My parents keep arguing, and I hate it. I am too scared to talk sometimes because it might make it worse. Like I needed a few things at the grocery store last weekend, but they had already argued that morning and I just wanted shopping to be over with. But guess what.. they're going to be out of town for a few days soon. I am so excited. I honestly just want to stay in bed and rest and not have to be anxious all the time and putting on an act. I also want to drink, but I don't know if I will. I am just really unsure about sobriety. I feel like I am going to relapse eventually because I am not really motivated. Drinking or not, I just want to be alone. I just want to stop pretending that I am fine. I am not fine.

I have some time before this happens, so we'll see. For now, I am going to keep up the act.

Struggling to make sense of it all

I am just frustrated because I can tell I am not in a very good place mentally, but I don't know what to do about it. I spend way too much time thinking, and that isn't a good idea. There's a part in the big book where it's talking about step 10 and it says "but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection." That term morbid reflection is used other places as well, and it just seems so accurate to describe the kind of thinking my mind gets into when there's no distraction.. or actually as its own distraction from something that is even worse.

So my parents joined a gym last week, and they ran into a friend of mine (a woman I have known since 4th grade) there. I got a text from my friend asking how I was doing and if I was available for lunch sometime. I had this sinking feeling reading it because I didn't know what to tell her. I hadn't seen her in quite a while.. I can't really remember when I last saw her. I finally settled on telling her I was living at home and didn't have a car, so I wasn't sure about lunch. She offered to pick me up. That was fine, but she asked what I had been up to. I settled on a very abbreviated version of the truth and said that I was looking for work and trying to get back on my feet. I said I had been sober since February because she does know about my alcoholism. I had mentioned it to her at least once to be sure I wasn't pressured to drink at parties. Anyway, we had lunch yesterday. It was nice to see her and go out with someone other than my parents. I just really tried to steer the conversation back to what was going on with her and her kids and family and job because really I don't have a lot to talk about.

What I was trying to avoid (and this is how we get back to the morbid reflection) is talking about what I have actually been doing this past year. I mean basically I have spent as much time in treatment as out of it. I struggle to even remember when I was in the hospital and under what circumstance I was sent there. I somehow got onto thinking about that over the weekend, and I just started getting really frustrated and pathetic that I kept going into hospitals over and over to detox. That's been going on since the first year of my alcoholism. I would basically drink myself to the point of being unable to function or not take my meds and let the depression reach that point. Then I would check myself into a hospital for a week, come home, and soon start the whole process over again. I can vaguely remember listening to someone joke about suicide attempts once and basically say that if you're truly suicidal, why would you not succeed? So I don't know how to interpret my own behavior. Did I check myself into the hospital because I wasn't trying to die and just wanted the attention and the escape? Or did I do that in an honest attempt to get well and then relapse because the same thoughts and feelings were still there and led to the same downward spiral? There are people in AA who went to treatment once (or never) and then stayed sober or at least never went back to treatment. In a year, I was in rehab 3 times.. and really the result of all 3 was serious suicidal ideation and multiple attempts (only one officially acknowledged). I don't know whether to be grateful I went to treatment because my physical health was pretty bad at some points and I might not still be alive, or should I be angry that I went because I failed at my goal of drinking myself to death?

So this is the kind of thing that occupies my mind a lot. I find myself reading back through this blog (a practice I try to avoid) in an attempt to make sense of when things happened because my memory really isn't great.. I have to have the blog or hospital bills or something to remind me when I was in which hospital. I really don't know if the memory loss is entirely alcohol related or if ECT plays a role. I mean I still have conversations with people and then later couldn't tell you what was said.. especially if I am tired. I feel like my brain isn't fully functional, and that's part of why I went along with applying for disability. Add to that how exhausted my medication makes me.. I am considering stopping my morning Seroquel to help with  the energy level problem, but should I really be making decisions about my  meds without consulting my doctor? Probably not.

I know that I am struggling. Objectively, I know. I am purging almost daily. I am cutting several times a week. I am choosing not to take all of my Wellbutrin. I am stashing the extra pills. I feel like at any moment I will give in to the desire to drink. I am having thoughts about other bad behaviors, but I haven't acted on them. Still, I convince myself that I am well because nobody else seems concerned about me. I mean.. I haven't told the entire truth, but it is so hard when they don't ask the right questions. I also just don't think they can do anything. There's not much they can offer me besides a bunch of meds and a small amount of therapy. All I really want is to have some time to myself to not have to pretend it's all ok. I am constantly on edge around my parents because I feel like they expect something from me but I don't know  what it is, and I never know when they will start arguing and about what. I mean I finally heard back from a legal aid attorney, and he sent me a questionnaire to fill out about bankruptcy. He said I needed to include my parents income and expenses since I live with them. My parents were annoyed about this and then kept arguing over what my dad listed for the expenses. I just sat there feeling guilty even though they wanted me to do this, and I am only doing what the lawyer asked. I didn't get involved with the argument about what to put down because it's none of my business. So I really just wish I could have some space to relax and rest and not be acting. I am so tired. I don't know how to tell anyone how I am doing because I think I should be doing better. The guilt about the past just makes me feel like I don't have the right to be struggling now.. but this is also the longest I have been out of the hospital for a while.

But that's enough rambling.. I need to get out of my head

Empty feeling

I did not realize how long it has been since I wrote. Days seem to be passing by quickly but mostly because they're all the same. I mean my routine is pretty much the same. My family is the same. My thoughts are the same. I'm doing well on the outside, but there's probably a lot to be concerned about. Actually, I guess some things have happened, but I will get to that.

I am struggling with emotions.. I vacillate between sadness, anxiety, numbness, and exhaustion. There are brief moments of happiness mixed in, but I think most happiness is just a lack of the other negative emotions. I am still not compliant with my meds. I am only taking my Wellbutrin in the morning and stashing or throwing out the evening dose. This is because when I was taking it I really felt blank and empty.. not unhappy but not really anything. This brings back the safety of depression. Except I am also now exhausted all the time. I did stop the random self medicating for sleep.. I had been occasionally taking extra Seroquel or Doxepin (I think that's it?) or Buspar to sleep at night. That meant not taking the seroquel or buspar in the morning and stashing the pills. It really was quite a mess. Now I am only occasionally taking melatonin, which I managed to find time to go to the pharmacy for because I was dropped off early for an appointment. I probably could have asked my parents to buy it, but I had to go to the pharmacy to buy more laxatives anyway. I did tell my psychiatrist about not taking the Wellbutrin. He basically told me to start taking it. He also mentioned it would help decrease my appetite. That's because I did say I was stress eating (I have told him I am bulimic before), and his solution was to tell me to just eat salad and vegetables. This guy is pretty useless.

Last week my mom was in the hospital for a few days. It started Sunday night/Monday morning (because it was around midnight) when she told me she was having numbness on one side of her body and her face. My dad was taking her to the ER. I was laying in bed when she told me. I got up and stared at my closet because I wanted a drink. I was afraid they'd come back and find out and that would be awful. I ended up making myself toast and eating that and going back to bed. She was in the hospital for 2 days before getting an MRI because she has a nerve stimulator implant thing in her back for the pain she has, and they took forever to verify and decide it was safe to do the MRI. The result is she had a minor stroke. During all this, I was home alone a lot.. I didn't drink. I did a lot of pacing and walking on the treadmill and some b/p to keep myself sane. I saw her in the hospital a couple times. She's home now, and it's like they are barely talking about it. I want to have a clear conversation about what the doctor said and what she needs to do or needs to avoid and how to help. I mean she snapped at me because I offered to get something out of the freezer when I got back from a meeting. She said that she didn't forget and wasn't stupid.. or something. I just saw it wasn't out, and it was something I could do without getting in the way. So I don't know what to do except wait for her to ask for my help if she needs it.

My desire to drink has been increasing over the past couple weeks. It didn't go down when she got home. I am trying to decide in my head when I can buy more vodka because I don't want to drink what I have and be unable to get more. The bottle I have is the emergency plan.. kind of like I can't take the seroquel hidden in my room without replenishing it. I was on here tonight reading posts from last summer and fall.. the ones before rehab and the ones around my suicide attempts. I am still suicidal but mostly just thoughts. I haven't been intending to do anything. I almost feel like I need to reduce some other medication to increase the depression until I need to do  something. Now I am only a little depressed and very tired.. and my life feels empty and pointless. It's just going through the motions, and it's frustrating.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. I am exhausted and struggling to make sense. It's really pathetic that I am exhausted enough to go to bed at 11 and I can't even stay awake to watch a full episode of something on Netflix in bed. I will write more soon

Exhausted

I am really struggling the past week with exhaustion. I am just so tired physically and mentally. I try very hard to maintain an illusion of normalcy, which includes not napping and not sleeping late or going to bed before 11. When I was drinking, I spent most of my time in bed, so I don't want my parents to think that I am drinking.. or to find out I am not taking my Wellbutrin, which is probably why I am tired.

I also just want to say my parents are driving me crazy. They are arguing so much. I am not sure who is at fault because they both seem to get angry over little things. I refuse to get involved because it's not my fight and I hate conflict. Still, I am walking on eggshells trying not to cause anything. My mom complains to me about my dad, and I just listen and nod because I hate taking sides. I am honestly worried sometimes they will separate, and I will have to pick where to stay or end up with nowhere. I also worry it is somehow my fault.

In better news, I finally have an appointment to talk to someone about the disability appeal. I am hoping they can help. My case worker also asked if I was ready to work on the insane thoughts. I still don't know what to tell her and where to start because it's all so normal to me but I know it's not normal. It's the first she's mentioned working on anything serious and not just mindfulness and meditation. Those are valid but not really enough to do on my own and make it better. I am worried that I will reach a point where I will do some of the stuff I think about. So now I just have to figure out what to tell her and hope that it helps.

I really want to drink. I am too afraid to drink the vodka without knowing I can get more, so I am trying to think how to get a second bottle. I am back to where I can't imagine life with or without alcohol. I am avoiding texting my sponsor. I just don't know how willing I am to change. Right now I am just tired.

How to stop digging

I haven't had much to write lately. Things are mostly the same. In my head there is this constant debated about if I am crazy or sane. If I am sane, am I just thinking I am crazy as an excuse for being a worthless, useless, lazy human being? I am constantly questioning the reality of my problems. Logically, I had depression and bulimia before the alcoholism. I was hospitalized several times before I started drinking and was hospitalized once when I was a year sober. Yes somehow I feel like being sober means I should be back to full functioning. I should be sane now that the alcohol is gone. The problem is that I can see the signs I am still crazy, but I am getting totally mixed signals from others about it.

The main problems I am dealing with are the fact that I am fucking around with my meds.. mostly just taking half my dose of Wellbutrin, but I have also hoarded seroquel to take extra. I also am not throwing the Wellbutrin away. I am sort of stockpiling it. I really want to stop taking more of my meds, but I haven't been able to decide what to do. Plus, I don't want to have to admit to it.. and right now I could probably safely go back to the full dose. If I stop more of the meds, I might have to slowly increase again which would involve the doctor knowing. I am leaning towards manipulating the doctor to take me off more meds. Then the other problem is the eating disorder. I am still purging pretty frequently. I have cut back on laxatives because I don't want to run out, but I am still purging almost everyday.

The mixed signals has a lot to do with my case worker. She seems to push for me applying for jobs, but when I express my concern about working she will say that there's no pressure. I really wish I could get someone to give me a concrete opinion on if I should be working or applying for disability because I don't know. I just know my head is not healthy. I mean I nearly started crying the other day when my mom said we wouldn't go to the grocery store that day but would go on the weekend. I was upset at the change to the plan in my head for the day (and also because that would mean my dad would be there and they would probably argue). I get upset and overwhelmed any time I can't plan my day just right. What is going to happen if I have a bad day at work? Am I going to go back to crying in the bathroom and self harming at work to appear sane? Then doesn't it make sense to try to get better before I do that? Except.. I am not getting better.

The thing is that I have a lot on my mind. I have less than a month to decide if I should appeal the disability decision.. my case worker has said multiple times that she was emailing someone to contact me about help with it. I have waited weeks and heard nothing. I am going to have to figure out some other way to find a lawyer. I am also dealing with a lawsuit about the 16K I owe on a credit card. I contacted legal aid about that and probably filing bankruptcy. I have to wait to see if they will help me, and I don't think I can go through them for that and the disability stuff all at once because it would take so much of their time. This is going to ruin my credit, but it's pretty much ruined anyway because of all the bills that have gone to collections. I am thinking about this everyday trying to decide what I need to be doing and if I am just being lazy or really can't do anything at the moment. I am afraid of having to meet with strangers and talk about all of this shit that I am ashamed of.

And what I really want is to just have enough money to get out of my parents house, and then I can drink myself to death. I still have vodka in my closet, but I am afraid to drink it and not be able to get more if I decide to die. I am reminded often of my drinking days.. and I miss them? I miss not knowing if it was day or night when I woke up and drank to fall back asleep. I miss never getting out of bed. I miss being weak and sick and barely able to walk up the stairs. I miss it, and I feel like i am just waiting until I can go back. That's why it is hard to want to do anything. I know that if I get to be self sufficient again, I am going to go back to digging this hole I was in. Every time I thought I hit bottom, I would go to treatment or stop for a bit and then just dig myself deeper. Every bottom was lower. I know the final one is death, so I sometimes want to speed the process up. I just want to skip to the end result.

But I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to tell me that I am sick and need help and to help me get it. I mean I have my case worker, but I guess I don't want to tell her and have her not help. I don't think there are resources for me to get help. In IOP, I only have a few minutes a week to check in, so there's no time to talk about what's really going on. I am too busy finding lawyers and sorting out my other shit that I have no energy to see if there's more mental health services out there that would help me. I have no money, so I am lucky to have what I have. I really want my parents to leave for a few days so I can recharge by spending my time in bed and not having to act like I am social and normal and healthy. It's exhausting. That or I want to drink to turn my brain off for a while.

Inside my head

I am really struggling. I haven't posted because I really don't know what to say. I think I am bothered by the disparity between my outside life and my inside life. To the outside world, I think I appear to be functioning. Inside my head, I can clearly tell that I am self destructing. There's a lot going on that makes this apparent to me.

I am incredibly frustrated with the therapist from IOP. He is terrible at communicating things or assuming that they're understood. Like he let me go several extra weeks at IOP (3x a week) when I should have dropped to SOP (2x a week). He said he assumed I knew and just wanted the extra accountability. Then he normally says SOP lasts about 10 weeks. Well after far less than that, he tells me I am out of sessions... and he says this like I should have known that was my last day. He ended up giving me one more individual session.. and when I came for that he seemed surprised I hadn't come Monday and Tuesday.. I'm like.. you told me once a week? So yeah.. it's very frustrating. He seemed to think it was odd that I wasn't excited about this, and I tried to hint at the fact that I am NOT doing well with regards to my mental health and other than this group, I only see my case worked every 2 weeks for 30min. I love my case worker, but it is very hard to accomplish anything in that time. So dropping down to once a week means getting very little help when my mental health is clearly getting worse. Except I don't think he sees that. He also has asked me a couple times about if I was looking for a job or if my parents expected me to find a job. I will get to that in a minute, but he didn't seem to understand why I am anxious about that and why I applied for disability. I don't want to get a job and fall apart and end up losing it anyway. In group, I just say in general that I am struggling with depression and stuff because it's a substance abuse group.. I don't feel it's appropriate to talk about the depression, the eating disorder, the self harm.. but other patients have been commenting that I look unhappy. They seem to understand it better.

I don't know if i wrote yet that my disability application was turned down. I had been told to expect that, but it was still really hard. The decision said stuff about how I am being treated for the depression and should be able to manage it with medication. Well.. I am not taking all my medications. I keep playing around with not taking all my wellbutrin. I also have a stash of a couple other medications that I am taking at random for sleep. It wasn't because of the disability decision. I started it because I had reached a point where I wasn't really depressed but I certainly wasn't happy. It feels safe for me to be depressed than to be numb. But since I started this, I have started self harming again. I also have a stockpile of meds and a bottle of vodka hidden. That's not normal behavior.

Since all this.. the suicidal thoughts are worse. No plan at the moment, but I know that the vodka is there as a backup. I haven't told anyone that the pills and vodka are a suicide backup plan.. I think they think I just plan to drink if it gets to be too much. The consequences are potentially serious enough, that I know I can't drink if I want to stay alive.

The eating disorder is still there. I am purging daily. I have been getting very upset if anything interferes with the time I set aside to pace the house or jog in place to get my steps. I spend a lot of time thinking about all of this. I am also eating compulsively.. especially at night. The self loathing is pretty deep at this point. I feel completely worthless.

So then.. because all of this isn't bad enough. I mean I am at least still doing what I am supposed to. I am not drinking. I am going to meetings. I am stumbling over how to tell or text my sponsor about how i am doing. I went to see an employment counselor and at least applied for one job since then. I still am not sure that I can do it.. like it causes instant panic to think about working. I have been reading back through my old posts and my old instagram posts and I can see how crazy I was for a long time before they fired me. I also kind of miss it. I miss the insanity of drinking and spending my days in bed. I miss not having to pretend to function. Anyway, tonight my parents hand me something that was left on the door about someone trying to serve me with papers. I am sure it is regarding some debt collector... I have all sorts of debt collectors calling me. I have been ignoring them because I have $0.. actually less than no money. Now my parents want me to call legal aid... I've kind of known I would eventually end up filing bankruptcy because I owe tens of thousands of dollars and have no income. Still.. my first thought tonight involved a bottle of pills and vodka. I can't handle this on top of everything else. I mean.. I don't even know how many bills I have out there. I might be able to list the hospitals, but there are so many bills.

I just don't see myself coming back from all this. I feel like I am delaying the inevitable by pretending I am going to live. I don't see myself able to regain independence, and I cannot spend my life living with my parents. I just want to give up. And having no insurance means I am seeing someone every 2 weeks for 30 minutes.. and that's probably all the help I can get unless it becomes a crisis. Sorry.. that sounds ungrateful. I know it could be so much worse. I just don't want to be doing any of this.

Higher power

I know I haven't been updating. I am having trouble making sense of things lately. In some ways things are good or getting better, but in others I am getting worse.

Mainly my head is not getting better. I am exhausted much of the time. I am overwhelmed by the thought of doing anything different from my routine.. mainly the thought of finding a job. I mean I still rely on my parents for transportation, and it isn't likely to improve my financial situation any time soon. I can't even begin to figure out what to do about the debt I have. I am really fed up with people. I look forward to any time I am alone in the house because it is calm and I don't have to worry about what my parents are thinking.

My sponsor.. is doing her best, but I can't wrap my head around working the steps. She wants me to pray, but I am not on speaking terms with god. I don't believe in the whole finding a god of my understanding because logically I know that you can't just create a deity to fit your needs. Not everyone who creates a concept of god can be right. I believe in a god that created things, but trying to have any relationship with him hasn't really helped. Right now my higher power is my parents and my treatment team because I don't want the consequences of relapse. I am doing what is asked of me, but I don't see how this is going to work. I still think about drinking many times each day. I think about when I can go get it, how I can not get caught, but I have so far chosen to wait. But I feel a relapse coming.

It doesn't help all this that the eating disorder is bad. I am purging 2-3 times a day. I am using laxatives a couple times a week. I can't stand feeling full, and I am just stuck in the cycle of eating and feeling uncomfortable and purging. I think about food a lot. The last couple times I was home alone I binged. I know this is probably why I am exhausted.

But I am 3 months sober and out of the hospital. I am just exhausted and depressed and just trying to survive. I just want the freedom to drink myself to death.

Outside issues

I feel like since this past weekend it has become much more apparent that I am not doing so well. I mean I had a sense last week that things were going downhill, but I was generally feeling ok sometimes. Since the huge fight my parents had Saturday, I just haven't bounced back.

The most obvious thing is that I have been purging at least once a day. I'm not binging, but any large meal makes me feel so fat and gross and I end up purging or taking laxatives. It's at the point where I am using laxatives 2-3 time a week (although no more than the max dose) and vomiting daily. Today I ate lunch with my mom. When I got home, I waited until my mom went to take a nap and then purged like 4 times because I couldn't get everything up. Now my throat is sore and my face feels all puffy. Logically, I know the solution is to eat less.. but I am just continuing to stress eat. I know my head is not in a great place because I am eating a lot when no one is watching because I know it's emotional eating and not because of hunger. I also know that a lot of the stress causing this is just my parents and the fear that any little thing will cause another argument, and I don't like conflict.

The depression is also very present. I feel like I am sinking sometimes. I really mainly look forward to going to bed at night. I have had urges to OD and to self harm. I have given in to the self harm urges. I have a small stockpile of medication in my room. I am afraid that my parents will get rid of the medications I no longer take, and then I will not have anything if I decide to OD. I justify it by telling myself that it is all my medication. I just am supposed to have a week's worth at a time, and I am not supposed to be able to access what's locked up. Except, I figured out months back what the combination to those locks is, so I went in when nobody was around and got some seroquel and doxepin. I also took some gabapentin to help me sleep on the nights I have trouble. I just need a backup plan. Probably the mixture of the bulimia and screwing around with my meds is not helping my emotional wellbeing.

The issue is that I don't know how to tell anyone all of this. I mean IOP is really mostly for chemical dependency. While he says it's a dual diagnosis program, nobody else seems to have or talk about serious mental health issues. I don't know what's appropriate to discuss. I don't want to trigger anyone. I also don't want to get kicked out for being too sick or have them tell my parents (which they could if they think I am a danger to myself). I see a case worker but haven't talked about how bad things really are because it's been a couple weeks since I have seen her. This week she was out sick, so of course I get to wait another week. I just know realistically that I don't have insurance, so I am stuck with whatever care they offer. That is basically IOP for alcohol and my case worker for 30 minutes every week or two. I doubt they will offer anything unless I am in crisis, and I don't think this is a crisis?

In AA, I really speak very little about anything. I have been texting my sponsor, but the last time I spoke to her was when she called because she was struggling. I have spoken a little with one other girl who goes to the later meetings. Yesterday was the first time I spoke in a meeting that she was there for (and my 2nd time talking overall). She said that was great. Today she was there and asked how I was doing. I said I was struggling, but I didn't know what to say when she asked what was going on. I don't want to unload all this on someone I barely know especially when it is not about alcohol. She did ask for my phone number and gave me hers. I don't think she would judge me, but I was just too worn out tonight to try to explain any of this. With my sponsor, I don't know what the place of all this is. AA is really about alcohol. Mental health is rarely discussed in meetings or literature. That means I don't know if I should discuss it. I have had someone basically say I need to work the steps for my eating disorder separate (and previously that was what was said for the self harm). So I have never done the full 12 steps for any of these things, and it's overwhelming to consider doing that once. I think part of what didn't work the last time in rehab was trying to work the steps and be fully honest about my alcoholism but also have to hide the extent of the depression (because I would have been sent to another hospital and have to stop working on the steps for the alcohol).

Really, I want to drink. I daily contemplate drinking the rubbing alcohol that my dad bought. I just don't want to risk having to either 1. admit it in IOP and have to explain to my parents why I am either in IOP longer or have them recommend residential and have to explain that or 2. Lie about it for the rest of my time in IOP and probably get no benefit. So now I just have it in my head that if I drink it will probably be as part of a suicide attempt. I don't think I am quite there, but I am trying to think of how/when I could at least buy the vodka.. that way I would have it when it gets to that point. Or if it gets to that point.. I am just exhausted and feeling hopeless. I feel like I just need a few days to sleep and be alone and maybe get back to where I have the energy for life.

Honesty

Sorry I am not updating much. Things are just always the same. I don't have a lot going on.

I wanted to complain and get an opinion (if anyone feels like commenting) about an issue I have encountered with IOP. We have assignments we are given to work on. One of them is this packet that asks a bunch of questions about your family, your childhood, your work, etc. It's kind of a life history. I actually appreciate this having so many questions because that is easier for me than to just have to explain what my life is like. Particularly explaining my family is challenging because on the surface they are a normal loving family, but deeper down there's some dysfunction.

So I have pretty much finished the packet, and we present it a bit at a time because of how long it was. Well, every time I have presented a piece someone has commented on or complimented me on my honesty. Except, it started out as compliments on being so honest. Last time a couple people said that I was brutally honest, and I started to wonder if they were trying to tell me it was too much. Today someone actually seemed to say (I can't remember his words) that I was too honest. Except, isn't honesty the point? I mean I am not like giving graphic details of my sex life (which I basically said is non existent and only when I was drinking) or some kind of trauma that might be triggering (I did mention the girl threatening me with a knife in 3rd grade but that's the closest to trauma I have). I haven't given details about self harm or the eating disorder.. only said they were problems. I have mentioned the hospital stays but not really gone into how many I have.. but it's an important part of my life since I have been so many times. So I am kind of unsure what to do about this.

I am naturally an honest person. I hate lying. I used to dissociate in therapy because it was the only way I could be ok with lying so much as a teenager. Through the depression and eating disorder and alcoholism I became a very dishonest person, and I hate that. My thing now in recovery is that I will not force myself to be dishonest. I won't lie and say I am eager about recovery or that I don't want to drink or that I am happy. I do not believe in the whole fake it till you make it concept because I spent so many of my younger years pretending I was fine. Now I am allowing myself to not be ok. Part of that is that I am answering questions honestly. I told the therapist for group upfront that I was largely sober because of the cameras around my parents yard and them supervising me. I have admitted that I still want to drink and that I am sober because of the consequences drinking would have. Maybe that's what I am not supposed to say? I just hated when I was in rehab that everyone said they were so happy to be in recovery and they didn't want to drink anymore. I find it hard to believe they were that happy.

I recently heard someone in a meeting say that the "alcoholic who is still suffering" doesn't always mean the ones that still drink. People suffer in sobriety. People kill themselves in sobriety (I was sober I think when I attempted last year). That shit in our heads has to come out for it to go away.. or that's my belief. So I don't see the problem with being brutally honest? I guess I will ask the therapist to be sure that I didn't say anything bad. I have had several talks with my sponsor about how mental health issues are not always talked about by people in the program. I think of my drinking as secondary.. the mental health problems started first, so I feel I have to talk about them. Depression and anxiety will drive me back to drinking if I don't acknowledge them. And right now, I am not ok. I don't have time to explain that now, but I am not doing well. I am sober, but I am struggling.. so fuck anyone who is bothered by my honesty. Several others did say they appreciate it because it prompts them to look at themselves. Maybe some people just don't want to do that? But it's the point of treatment. Anyways.. I just needed to vent

Day after day

I am sorry I haven't updated recently. I don't know what to say. I am really struggling with the idea that I am doing a little better because I don't entirely want to feel better. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to have everyone thinking I am better when my head is still fucked up.

I am still in IOP. It is so repetitive and honestly frustrating. There are various worksheets that get assigned. I hate worksheets. I also really disliked that some are 12 step based and ask questions about steps I am not ready for. I got stuck working on one that had questions about how and why I turned my will and life over to a higher power. I said that I am not ready to do that. I believe in god, but I have issues with the idea of a relationship with god. The therapist gave me some bs about writing a letter to a higher power or acting like there is some ideal god.. and I decided to basically write the answers with my parents and my treatment team as the higher power because really that's what is forcing me to do all this recovery shit. I got feedback complimenting my honesty and sticking to my beliefs. I don't know.

I want to drink. I want to self destruct. I have hidden pills in my room just in case. I am still purging and spending hours each day on eating disorder websites. I obsess over wanting alcohol and over food. I am sick of it.

I finally had to get a sponsor because it is required for IOP. It's honestly so stressful keeping up with the little things she tells me to read or do.

I am really only doing IOP (3x week), meetings (everyday), seeing my case worker (weekly), and then reading and writing and running errands with my parents... but it's so much? Add in hours online and endless pacing to get exercise. Oh and walking to the grocery store for laxatives. I got a call Monday about setting up a job interview, and I panicked. I  was scared of what would happen if I added a job. But I am broke too. All I have is one credit card to use. I got some cash to keep as a just in case. I didn't call back about the job, but I did return another call about my disability application.. because I think that's a better bet. My sponsor seemed to agree after I tried to explain it all to her. Basically, I don't want to look for work until I am done with IOP.

I don't know. I am over 2 months sober and out of the hospital, which is a record for the past year. I sent a picture of my 2 month chip to my ex sponsor and my friend B because I haven't talked to them.. well since my ex sponsor basically said she couldn't talk to me.. that was in November. I still think I would take any chance I could to drink. I am just telling myself that it will be easier when I earn a little more trust. My parents are finally trusting me to go out to dinner and leave me home. Only I binged and purged instead of going to the liquor store when they did.

So that was a lot of randomness. I apologize. It's late, but I wanted to write something.

Frustrations

I am struggling with a lot at the moment. I am struggling with the only times I leave the house being IOP, AA, or errands/meals with my parents. I feel very trapped. I feel like life has no purpose. I want to be able to just go for a walk or run to a store and wander around. I used to try to go out regularly when I lived alone because it helped with my mood and my anxiety. Somehow AA where I never talk and IOP (which I will go into shortly) don't seem to make a dent in this stir crazy, trapped feeling.

IOP.. I don't really know what to think of it. I guess I don't think it's helping? I am just not sure if that's my fault or a problem with the group. The group is basically just checking in by answering a series of questions (mostly about if we're going to meetings, doing readings, etc), then people present assignments (worksheets), and then we usually watch a video of some kind. I guess this seems to be working for other people, but I don't think it's helping me because alcohol was more a symptom than the cause of my problems. I have so much other crap in my head that I don't get any chance to talk about. Like the fact that I have quickly replaced alcoholism with a relapse into bulimia.. or that I am obsessing over plans to get alcohol or self harm or attempt suicide or to buy laxatives. Like I say I am thinking about drinking, and the therapist knows I have an eating disorder but I don't feel comfortable mentioning it in group.. I feel like any time I try to describe my mood and the shit in my head that I am going on to long and everyone is just staring.

Then today I had an individual session with the therapist. I don't really remember what I said at the beginning, but it led to a question about if other diagnoses had been discussed with me (and I knew where that was going).. and as he started to mention Axis II diagnoses I interrupted and said that borderline personality disorder has been mentioned. He talked about that and DBT and how I should look into that.. and I said that the DBT therapists wouldn't take me because of the drinking. I was thinking that it really isn't something I intend to tackle without a therapist of some kind or a group. I don't know the conversation about me looking into resources was frustrating because with no insurance, I can't really get any other help. The reason I am doing this IOP still is because it's all I can get. I mean I can talk to my caseworker, but I don't think I can really get much more help. That's why I am trying to sort through the shit in my head on my own. That's probably why I am getting worse.

He also brought up me needing to get a sponsor. I had explained last week about what happened with my last 2 sponsors, and so he said I need to work on my trust issues. Today I had to try to explain the part where she later told me she could only love me from a distance and leave me in God's hands.. which basically meant that she can't even talk to me now. So I have issues finding a sponsor when I seem to be toxic and hurt anyone who gets close to me in the program. I also am not 100% committed to recovery because quite frankly given the opportunity I would prefer to go back to drinking myself to death.. and so the steps and this IOP assume that someone is ready to give it up.. and I don't know that I am because I don't really have healthy coping skills.. that's why the bulimia was so easy to go back to. But I said I would find a sponsor because I don't want to be kicked out of IOP because my parents will be angry.

Oh and after this session.. our group today half consisted of going to some BBQ held by the treatment place... and I had previously expressed my desire not to go. I mean being vegetarian I don't like a room that smells like hotdogs and being bulimic I have a lot of anxiety being around lots of food and being crazy I have serious anxiety around strangers. So I awkardly stood around and decided to eat nothing and then sat at a table and played with my phone (looking at eating disorder websites) until we could leave. Then I walked to the grocery store because I had time to kill before another appointment. I wandered around and looked at food.. I looked at wine.. I ended up buying laxatives, a Pepsi Max, and a protein bar and then walked back. I get back and my caseworker was out sick, and nobody had called to tell me.. so I had to reschedule and call my mom to come get me. I had honestly wanted to see my caseworker to try to tell someone some of this. I guess not.

So that is a fraction of the things I am dealing with. There are other things that I don't have energy to go into tonight. I have to have enough crazy problems to occupy my mind while I am awake, right?

Ulterior motives

So I have probably told similar stories to this before. Those times where I have done something seemingly innocent or even actually helpful. Except, alcohol has fucked up my life so much that there is very frequently an ulterior motive. It may be as simple as to make up for my previous behavior and hopefully make myself seem less worthless. It might also be one of these weird alcoholic problems that I agonize over for days before coming up with a twisted solution.

Ok.. so a few days prior to my hospital admission at the end of January I went to the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka.. I thought i bought a handle (1.75 liters). I know I filled 2 water bottles with vodka. I drank one that night, and I drank the other one February 5th when I got home. Except, that amount would not account for the whole bottle.. and what I had been doing recently is hiding bottles in the ground cover plants by the driveway/garage outside the house. Then when I had a chance, I would go outside and get them and refill the water bottles I had inside. That way if my parents found the bottles in the house, the main stash was safe outside.

The problem is.. I vaguely remember hiding it. I actually do remember thinking that I should take a photo of the hiding place in case I did get hospitalized and forgot where it was. I didn't. Then I get home in February, and my parents put up a security camera that covers most of the driveway, so I couldn't just go out and look very easily.. because I also didn't know if my parents had found the bottle already and so walking into the plants and looking around would be more suspicious than it would normally look. I watched my dad watching the cameras to figure out the spots not covered.. and would do something like take out the garbage and go briefly look.

I couldn't find it.

I tried this several times and gave up. Except a couple days ago my mom mentions trimming plants and other yard work. I become paranoid that she will cut the plants and find the bottle, and I agonized over how to explain it or make an excuse or handle this.

So yesterday, I volunteer to help.. also because I was feeling worthless and didn't want her to think I was lazy for going inside. We trimmed some plants along the fence. I helped. I asked my dad if we were doing those plants by the driveway, and he said I could if I wanted. So I got to walk through the plants and trim things while my parents were on another side of the house. I STILL haven't found a bottle. This means either it isn't there.. and I felt like my parents would have seemed more suspicious of my working over there if they knew I hid bottles there. Or it still is, but it is less likely to be found by my parents any time soon.

So this is basically totally pointless except to let you see the sort of bizarre troubles alcoholism gets you into.

What's bothering me

I have one on one sessions with the therapist from IOP each week in addition to group 3 days a week. I've seriously been questioning why I am doing this because the group isn't all that helpful. Basically we come in every time and go through a list of check in questions, then people present any assignments they've been given (which are the same for everyone, not individualized), then usually we watch some video downloaded from the internet about some therapy topic like shame, communication, and I tune them out too much to remember. So far only one thing was a new concept for me, and the rest have been pretty familiar.

Last week in my individual session, I ended up explaining to him what happened with my last 2 sponsors and how I obviously have trust issues. I didn't seem to get him to understand that it also has to do with my serious social anxiety. It also has to do with my severe anxiety in general. I keep running through how to explain it to someone every morning I go to group, but the blank looks I already get sometime make me think there's no point. But I have noticed that my anxiety is getting worse in a lot of ways. I have been talking in group about how my parents have been arguing and it really bothers me. It makes me feel trapped (more on this later). It makes me feel guilty and ashamed for living here. It makes me feel like my role is to fix it. It makes my world feel unsafe and uncertain. This is all very much the same as when I was a child, but it is complicated by current circumstances. I noticed the anxiety this past weekend when we went to an Irish music festival. My parents had several little blow ups. My mom tried to explain the first to me, which she has always talked to me when there's problems). Then we go to catch the train home. I know that part of my anxiety about the train is that if something goes wrong (we miss it, no seats, we have to wait) my Dad might get upset.. so I get anxious because I know it might happen. Well, he finds some seats to wait and gestures for us all to come over because for some reason he had been wanting to know where we were at all times. I sit but I know it's obvious on my face that I am near tears. My mom asks why, and I say that I think we need to be standing because there's more and more people coming to wait for the same train. So she tells my dad and brother that I think they should stand.. and I get to stand and anxiously think about the train.. and about changing trains.. and admittedly this all works out ok. Then my dad brings up getting something to eat once we're back in the car, but he's shooting down everyone's ideas. I am silent. Finally this time, my brother blows up and says to just drop him back at the house and he'd eat on his way home.
 My other daily anxiety is not unusual for me.. like if I have to go anywhere on any day, I become obsessive not just about being on time but how I want to be dressed by one time to give me time to sit and catch up on internet stuff, then I have to have my shoes and socks by a certain time because Heaven forbid I not have 15-20 minutes to sit down again before leaving. Basically I don't want to be rushed, but I plan and re-plan the time over and over. I get obsessive about meals and chores and asked to have dinner at a certain time today because if my parents decide to take me to the 6:30 meeting my mom will cook when I am there, and my food tonight was different and I didn't know exactly how to tell her to cook it. I was already panicking over on how to cook part of it without getting in the way of any other part of the meal. But most people don't understand this kind of thinking. They don't know that when I say I am having thoughts about drinking, I don't mean thinking a drink would be good.. or getting drunk would be good. It's agonizing about if I can find a window of time where my mom is asleep or both of them are out, if you can see my bedroom window from the front camera (pretty sure you can't), if I can get the window open (it seems stuck), if I can crawl out the window and avoid any areas covered by cameras, if I can get to and from the liquor store in time, and where I can hide the vodka. Actually drinking it is another set of thoughts. These basically run on repeat when there's nothing more pressing to fixate on.

But what I talked to the therapist about today (and what I intended to write about) is about basically feeling trapped.. and the trust issues involved. I told him that there are security cameras that cover both doors and the driveway. Last night I was mildly upset because I offered to take the recycling out (because my insane obsessing was convinced it was being picked up today and so I should offer), and when I got back inside I saw my Dad open the website or whatever to check the cameras. As soon as I came back in. I am a month sober and I was outside for like 2-3 minutes? So I can't leave the house without them knowing. He asked something about going to meetings and if they questioned if I was going. I explained that they drive me to the meetings and sit outside in their car until I am done. That is another issue with getting a sponsor.. how do I convince them to let me go early or stay late without either them spending more time sitting there (which means guilt) or somehow finding someone to give me a ride and risk being questioned or silently watched and suspected. My therapist mentioned buying a breathalyzer, but I am not convinced that's progress? This whole talk left me thinking about how maybe I should hide some of the locked up pills so that I don't have to count on them to give them to me if i give up and decide to leave and kill myself.. so basically my thinking is worse now.

I know it's an issue of trust, and I don't deserve any trust.. but I don't know how to regain it if I am never anywhere alone? I mean yes.. if I could drink without consquences.. or less consequences honestly, I would. But some of that is because I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like living this way is a great way to make me crazier so when I start applying for jobs, I am unable to function. As it is, the suicidal thoughts are very present. I have been purging again. I just feel empty and hopeless. I don't know how I am ever go from this to a reasonable, independent life again. I am not going to right more of why I believe that because 1. you can't convince me of anything else and 2. I don't need to spend more time thinking about it.

There's more I meant to write about but don't have energy for.. so I will be around soon.

Dear vodka,

I was supposed to write a goodbye letter to alcohol for IOP.. It's supposed to be about when you started drinking, what bad things happened as a result of your drinking, and a goodbye to the substance. I am not sure I wrote exactly what they want. I thankfully have an individual session with the therapist before group. I might run it by him to see if it is appropriate to read in group. I just felt like being honest for once, and the honest answer is that I am not committed to recovery. I am giving it a try, but I obsess daily over getting vodka. But anyway... feedback is welcome. I wrote like 3 versions of this, and I think this is the final one

Dear Vodka, 

I remember how you came into my life. I was struggling to adapt to the stress of grad school. I had been struggling with depression for a decade at least. I tried to fix it with cutting and with bulimia. Those things never worked for long. I found you, and even at the beginning it was not a healthy relationship. I knew I didn't drink normally. I didn’t drink for taste or for fun. I drank to get rid of my feelings.

But you took the pain away. I got that numbness I searched for. I didn't have to feel lonely anymore. You gave me a way to erase all the anxiety and anger and sadness. You drowned out the constant obsessive, destructive thoughts. You kept me alive when I wanted to die. When I left you, all the destructive behaviors came back. I tried sobriety multiple times, but I always sunk back into depression. I always went back to you eventually.

You hurt me in so many ways. Many nights I would black out and wake up with bruises. My body suffered. I couldn’t keep down food. I was so weak that my legs would give out climbing the stairs. My hands would shake. My eyes turned yellow. All I really did was drink and sleep. You hurt my mind. I was forgetful. I became paranoid that everyone could look at me and know I was crazy. I became incapable of controlling my feelings sober. I cried over tiny things. I became incredibly anxious about everything. You made me impulsive. I had never needed stitches until I cut drunk. It became impossible to keep up with my medications, and it didn’t matter because they know longer worked.

I lost everything: my job, my car, my apartment, my independence. I was a drunken, emotional mess who couldn’t handle any part of my life. I no longer spoke to friends. I left grad school. I was terrified to go out in public, to check my mail, to answer my phone. I moved in with my parents, and there were so many arguments. They threatened to kick me out more than once. I tried treatment after treatment. I knew it was hopeless. I tried more than once to kill myself. You kept me alive.

I cannot imagine life with you or without you. If I drink, I will lose any little thing I have left. I know you will kill me eventually. It might be soon or it could be much later. Without you, I am left with the depression and anxiety and the obsessive thoughts. I chose sobriety because others wanted me to. They wanted me to continue to seek treatment that I am not certain will make any difference. I am depressed. I am tired. I don’t see any hope.

For now I will say goodbye to you. I have to give this a try. That way in the end I can at least say that I gave recovery a shot. I at least tried.