Shit shit shit shit shit

I swear.. this whole hospital thing seemed all reasonable last night the way I planned it. Now it's become much more stressful and confusing.

I saw my therapist. It took a while to explain that I am not just going for medical detox. I am going so I can be safe since the depression and thinking has gotten so bad, and drinking/not drinking complicates it all. She finally got that. Then she starts asking what I will do when I get out to make things different. She wants me in a sober living facility. That is not going to happen quickly. She wants me to stay with friends.. that is reasonably safe but not productive. I would like to go back to my apartment but basically spend my time at school and at AA. She doesn't seem convinced, but I see no sense in making concrete plans before I even go.

Then the question came up of where. She really has no advice or recommendation. She does understand that going in on the weekend is a lot more complicated.

I didn't tell my mom. I called my sponsor.. she didn't seem to like the going Monday part of the plan. She asked where and I kinda explained some preference. She couldn't talk long.

I realized tomorrow in addition to going to school, I need to sort out rent and bills since tomorrow is the 1st. That adds more to the plan.

I had dinner with my mom and brother. I had hoped to go to part of the 8pm meeting, but my mom kept talking and talking. I got there around 8:45. I didn't recognize any cars, but I went in to look. They actually had finished the meeting early. A guy there (who I've only met once) asked how I was doing and I said not well. He asked if I wanted to talk.

This was a weird conversation. I haven't seen him much, so explaining that I managed some scattered days of sobriety but then relapsed completely was hard. He mentioned the key is meetings daily. I explained i had been going pretty much daily (5-6 days a week but at least 7 meetings). I did explain I had been doing 2 a day but gone back to 1 a day, but there is no strict correlation between number of meetings and sobriety.

I explained the hospital plan. I explained it was not the drinking as much as being self destructive and suicidal. He thought I should go right then. I said no. I admit some of my excuses were bad. He kept talking about willingness and honesty, and at least the other guy with him understood and he got it eventually that I have made a lot of changes in the past 3 weeks. That I have been listening to my sponsor. I have been listening in meetings.

He asked about my insurance. He leaves the room suddenly and comes back and asks for the card. He walks out and then asks my birthday and various other information. Clearly he is talking to some place about treatment. I'm a little terrified. I did talk to the other guy about a place he had been, and that I was interested in. I got some answers.

The guy comes back and he's called this one place that is a residential treatment center. I explain I can't go to a 30 program because I need to start work. He says I won't have a job if I'm dead.. and he has said he's been to friend's funerals who died of this disease. I didn't want to decide tonight. I said I'd call my sponsor. The two guys talked to me until almost 10 even though the building is supposed to be locked at 9:30. I could tell they cared (that made me cry). He explained how one guy in the program had paid for him to stay in a motel on weekends and the rest of the time he slept at AA. People bought him food and cigarettes. It was nice to hear that people have gone to great lengths for other people, so I feel less guilty.

He also went on about how the answer is meetings. When I called my sponsor, I was saying I don't know if this means I should just do meetings or go to the hospital. She's on board with hospital still. She thinks I should go tomorrow afternoon. I did explain what needed to be done first, and she seems realistic.

My sponsor is going with me to school to deal with classes. I will do financial stuff myself. I am meeting another AA friend in the afternoon for either a meeting or to just hang out. I said I wouldn't go to the 8pm meeting because I hate the woman speaking and might murder her. We discussed how a person's character is considered in our state and sometimes it's worth it (joking).

I picked a treatment center. The one I talked to the other guy about specifically says they have a protocol/program for co-occurring disorders (as in addiction plus mental health) and everywhere else I've been have been one or the other. It looks like a good place. It is nearby. It has IOP and other programs, so if I decide to do that once out of IP there's options. They take my insurance and the guy said will work on payment plans for the rest.

The guy from AA called my sponsor at some point I guess because when I got home she called me. I don't know what exactly he said, but she said he mentioned I had expressed willingness. We talked.. she asked about needing help with school and she and the other girl figured out the schedule. She said to pray about where. I didn't really pray much. I just looked at the site and it all made sense.

1. I will go to school with her tomorrow afternoon to figure out classes
2. I will pay bills
3. I will call this treatment center and see if they'll call my insurance. If they get approval, I might even be able to go in this weekend
4. I will ask about what I can bring/wear. They say no pants with drawstrings on the website, but I need to know about bras with underwires. I refuse to be bra-less, but I don't have any without wires that fit.
5. If I go tomorrow, I will give my AA friend my apartment key and move food and cat litter near the door, so it's easy for her to feed them.
6. If I don't go tomorrow, I'll probably tell my parents so I can leave my cats with them (preferred option but I am not going just randomly deliver them)
7. Only when everything is sorted, I'll finish the plan.

I texted my sponsor. She says cool, and that she and 2 other girls are there to help. I am not making more decisions tonight. It does sound like I won't go in until at least tomorrow evening. I would prefer Monday, but I am not making a firm decision.

I am incredibly freaked out.. though the vodka is numbing the feeling. I just have the nagging thoughts, but this feels right.

I hate myself

I was going to title this "I'm a shitty human being" but I already have one called "Shitty human being" so I decided to be different

I hate how drinking leads to hating myself, and hating myself leads me to drink. It's become an endless cycle. Lately, the depression seems deeper than it was. My self esteem is disappearing.

I'm going through the motions I guess.. I am going to AA at least 5 days a week. I have cut back to one meeting most days. The 8pm meeting gets in the way of the drinking. I have gotten bad about texting rather than calling my sponsor.

 I am on step 4 now.. I actually texted her last week about meeting (we met yesterday) about step 3 because I couldn't manage the last assignment. Apparently, she wants to make a "god box" now at someone's house because he has lots of supplies (like spray paint apparently). She was going to find a time.. we talked and read through step 3 in the twelve and twelve (12 steps and 12 traditions is the actual title. AA people just say 12 & 12). I started crying at some point and couldn't explain why.  She just sat there and held my hand.. I hate not having a reason. She had us pray with some other women. In the end of the meeting, she gave me a pen inherited from my grand-sponsor (her sponsor) and gave me the 1st step 4 assignment.

I'm doing a list of people, places, and things I resent. Just that for now.. I looked online and there's a resentment list and a fear list. So far this fill 1 side of a piece of college ruled paper. I'm not done, but I needed a break.

Today was rough. I blacked out last night. There's always some time spent wrapping my head around this fact in the morning because my brain argues about it. I think I remember going to bed. Today clue 1 occurred at around 7am. I woke up and went to the bathroom and found vomit on my shirt. My still drunk brain's solution was to take off the shirt and go back to bed. I got up around noon and went to find out what I vomited on.. the couch apparently. I cleaned most of it up except one of the cushions/pillows that goes along the back. I'm seriously tempted to throw it out. I might be able to wash it, but I'm more tempted to just throw it out. I also found a plastic bowl that I was going to take to AA to hold candy was now broken.. so I'm guessing I fell? but I haven't noticed many bruises. Oh and half a plate of waffles with syrup on my desk.. and half a starburst candy (not half the package, half of one).

I threw away the waffles and ate the starburst this morning. I also had a glass of skim milk and 2 of water. I could not convince myself to eat. I really didn't try that hard. I ended up sticking peanut butter crackers and a little thing of almonds in my purse, and getting some G2 gatorade to take to AA. I drank 2/3 of the gatorade so around 50 calories, but I never at the other things.

I got to AA around 4:30. The meeting is at 6, but I was going to work on stuff there. The meeting and time before were.... interesting. There's a guy that's banned because last week, he was caught masturbating outside the building. My sponsor caught him and thought this was the funniest thing ever. He was right outside a window She called some guys into the back room (she was there with a sponsee) and told them she needed to show them something. So he wasn't allowed back.. I think this was Friday

Except he was back today. He's crazy, and I don't judge him for that. He's also incredibly annoying, and that does bother me. I came in and he was there, and I texted my sponsor he was back. She advised me to leave, but by the time she responded he was in the back room with some other people, and I had headphones and music, so it was ok. He did try to talk to me but only brief questions because I didn't always respond. Around 5:15 a few others show up including 2 of the guys that were there when he got kicked out. They kicked him out again. He said he'd been in a psych ward, but from the conversations I had heard, he was still crazy. He said he'd spoken to many attorneys about it... which either means he called a bunch randomly or he's making that up. There's another woman who I think is homeless. She might be sober but is also crazy. Part of what she mentioned in the meeting is that she hasn't bathed in weeks but she put on clean underwear 5 days ago. There was a woman who had spoken about her kids being taken away, and the crazy woman talked about how she got hers back but they're ungrateful and one kicked her out even though she has nowhere to live. It was really inappropriate, and she got upset when she was interrupted after 5 minutes of ranting about random things.

I honestly went in planning to stay for the 8pm meeting, but I was hungry and really stressed by people at that point. I drove to the liquor store and spent at least 10 minutes debating going in. I did. I had the oh so logical thought that I threw up last night because of the brand of vodka I bought. I knew it made no sense after I thought it, but I still bought another brand.

So I was sitting drinking and watching tv and generally hating myself, when my sponsor called. I answered and she asked how I was doing. I said ok. She asked what i was doing, and I was honest. She hesitated and said she had wanted to tell me not work on step 4 when I was drinking. I understood that she expected that I would be drinking/drunk. I had expected that I shouldn't work on it drunk, so it's in my car. I almost apologized but logically knew I did not/should not need to apologize to my AA sponsor for drinking. I had texted her this morning that I had drank the past 4 days. Her response was that she thought so but thank you for telling her. I had also told her at the meeting that I burned myself last night (I did) because apparently if I'm drunk and the lighter is there... so when she called she advised me to throw any lighters I had off the balcony. I have not done so yet.. but mostly because I'm lazy and have just left the lighter on my desk.

I was sure she knew when I left at 7 where I was going. All she did was hug me and say that she loves me, which still hurts like hell. I wanted to text to apologize. I didn't. I wanted to text and ask if she thinks i'm hopeless. I didn't. I know if she thought that, she wouldn't be pushing me through the steps. I think I'm hopeless. I think I'm worthless. Hearing this from another person would be the death of me, so I'm scared to even ask if I'm sure she'll say no. I cried a bit.. and now I'm here.

I will go to the damn meeting tomorrow. I will work on my 4th step. I WILL call my sponsor tomorrow and not just text. I really am making an effort, but I just can't stop.

Rough weekend

Friday I bought vodka. Not entirely sure what the motivation was. My depression has been bad this week. I did go to the 6pm AA meeting, and I actually talked. The meeting was about hitting bottom, and I basically talked about how I kept thinking things were bad enough to want to quit, and it never was.

I went home and drank. Didn't black out or throw up or anything like that. Did wake up with a nasty headache (this has been happening a lot lately) probably from dehydration.

I went to the Saturday women's meeting. There was a woman who was new, so the chairperson picked the topic of sharing our experience with the new woman. I still had a headache and felt a sinking sort of depression.

The chairperson asked if I wanted to speak, and I said I was just going to listen. I could see my sponsor staring at me and shaking her head because obviously she wasn't ok with that. I was asked again later, and again my sponsor was staring me down. The chair asked if I had anything to share with my recovery sisters, and someone (can't remember if it was her or someone else) said that they loved me.

All I could manage to say was that I hate that people there love me. This is very true. A few people shared that they cared about me or how they felt the same way in the beginning. My brain was pretty shut down at this point.

I tried to leave quickly after the meeting, and my sponsor chased me. She hugged me and said they would love me until I loved myself. I got to my car and started crying.

I went and bought more vodka, had lunch, and went home and drank.

Yesterday I had church, and it was a little hard. I feel unworthy of taking communion some days, and this is worse now that I can't have the wine. I have to take it by the altar so I can just have the bread/host/body or whatever you want to call it. To kinda explain this (not sure if I have before) for communion my church, the bread and wine are mixed in the chalice and given with a spoon.
This is my church

To take communion, I have to go behind the icon screen, which just feels really awkward. There's 3 doors, the center doors are only used by the priest. The other 2 on the sides (called the deacon doors) are used mainly by the servers. I have to go through the door on the right (by the icon of christ), and I feel like it draws more attention to myself, and I worry if people wonder why. There are others that i guess are gluten intolerant who go behind the screen to take just wine.

Yesterday was also the celebration of one of the martyrs (can't spell his name it translates to one in every way merciful), and this is celebrated with the anointing of the sick, except everyone can have it. I almost wanted to leave before this because again I didn't feel worthy since my problems are mostly self inflicted. Managed to stay.

Then it was weird last night when I was driving home, my sponsor called me. I declined it because I was driving. She texted me after that and asked if I wanted to go on a road trip to Arkansas Friday... I guess she is going to pick up her daughters from whoever they're visiting. I said I wasn't sure because it was really overwhelming talking to people everyday. I'm hoping she didn't take that to mean I didn't want to spend time with her.

I really am just stressed talking to so many people now.. since I'm at AA so much, people actually talk to me. It's all a bit too much since I got used to sleeping at least 12 hours a day, maybe going shopping, and watching tv. Most of my interactions were with cashiers at stores or restaurants and with my cats. It's also really weird talking to guys at AA. My friends have always been mostly women and maybe their husbands. Having guys talk to me and hug me is a bit uncomfortable because it wasn't a very common occurrence before.

Definitely need to get used to people before school starts next month and I'm teaching again. Last semester I was 31 days sober when school started, and I relapsed after teaching my first class. I'm struggling with being sober already, so school scares me.

The past couple days have been interesting

So I blacked out Tuesday night. (next sentence is gross) Apparently made it to the bathroom but did not throw up in the toilet.. that was lovely since I'd eaten pasta. I also made ice again.. why do I fill the ice trays when I'm blacked out? Weird. I also finished the whole bottle of vodka this time. I didn't think I did until I woke up Wednesday.

I went to lunch with a friend. I have 2 non-AA friends from school. I am not giving real names because who knows who may end up finding this, so let's call them L and B.

B I met because she took a class with me my 1st semester, and she worked in the same lab as I did. We got to be good friends. The next Fall, she started going through these deep depressions and manic episodes.. they were probably there before, but she acknowledged them then. I convinced her to get insurance through the school (we both work there). She actually ended up going through public/city health services and got on medication for bipolar and in therapy. Since then.. like many bipolar people, she hasn't been good about taking them or about controlling behaviors when manic. She'd decide she couldn't afford to take them or she didn't need them.. or most recently she got pregnant (supposedly accidentally) and stopped them. She miscarried and hasn't started again.

L I met the following year. She's a year behind us in grad school, but she was friends with B already because they both went to the school as undergrads as well. L and I were never as close, but we all hung out together and talked at school.

So I'm skipping a ton of drama and going with the recent issue. I didn't see B for several weeks after she told me she miscarried.. I was kinda leaving her alone (I did send a few texts and funny emails hoping to cheer her up a bit) until she wanted to talk. She texted me wanting to do lunch.

So the things she told me over lunch were that
1. She wasn't back on meds because she wanted to be on ones she could take while pregnant because she still wants a baby
2. Her plan for this baby was either to get an ex-boyfriend of hers to contribute or go through a sperm bank
3. That L was now doing drugs. She had always smoked marijuana but now was supposedly doing other drugs
4. That she was sleeping with one of her 19 year old neighbors to get drugs

None of this seemed quite right or true.. but I didn't want to argue. I mean if she wants a baby, I won't argue if she's doing it a responsible way. I basically said I probably wouldn't go to L's house anymore since she does smoke marijuana and has encouraged me to drink in the past, but I never said I wouldn't see her again. The alcohol thing is just that I don't think she understands addiction well.

Well, last week L texts me asking me to lunch because B has been telling people lies about her. When she said this, I was guessing that B had made some of what she said up. I had wondered that, but I really had no information to back up either side. I had lunch with L Wednesday

She said
1. She's not on drugs and is very upset B has told people that. I did not say I had been told that, but I agreed it was really unreasonable that B was lying.
2. B is avoiding her. Like they go to the same yoga studio, and B hid in the bathroom after class until L left.
3. She is dating her neighbor (well he actually moved 3 weeks ago so isn't her neighbor now) and him being nice to her helped her get over her previous meth addict boyfriend (yay!!)
4. That B told her that she planned to lie to her ex and say she had an IUD so he wouldn't use condoms and she could get pregnant (which is really fucked up)

L is really upset. I wonder if B is truly lying or if because she's off her meds she's really delusional. She gets paranoid when she's manic. I really sympathized with L about how this was awful, but I didn't know what she should do. She mentioned telling B's parents, but I am worried about any backlash from B. I am really not sure I want to be around B anymore until she's on meds because what she's doing is really hurtful. I am planning to spend more time with L because she is having a hard time and just not seek out B to spend time with her. Such a mess.

I went to AA and it was ok.. My sponsor was there before the 6pm meeting and we talked some. She stayed for that meeting but left before the 8. She asked if I was staying, and I said if I could manage to keep my ass in the chair I would. She told another woman there that we both know to make sure I didn't leave before 9. I stayed and ended up hanging out with another girl until midnight.

Yesterday I had therapy and dinner with my parents. I called my sponsor and talked about the situation with the AA bitch. I also told her about being fired from the job I got this summer. I realized Wednesday night that I hadn't told anyone in the group about it. I managed not to buy liquor. I'm not so sure what I'm doing about that today. I want to drink. I seem to be really struggling to be sober for more than 2 days. It's still major progress after 6 months of drinking every day.. but I'm not sure how to actually stop.

I'm adding a bit to what i posted this morning. So far my day. I ate breakfast. I have leftover pizza because Wednesday a girl from AA wanted to do dinner.. she asked if I wanted pizza. She ended up ordering 2 large pizzas, so we could each take home leftovers. She really acts like it's no big deal buying me food.. which is hard to accept, but being unemployed it has really helped. I went shopping. I bought vodka, and then I went to Mardel (a christian store) and bought a bracelet and a puzzle for my friend's son.

I went to AA. I actually talked. The topic was reaching bottom. I talked about how I had so many scary things, so many exhausting things, but it took a desperate depression to actually speak. It took all that to ask for help and accept it. I'm still not fully sober, but I talk to people now. People know the truth. I do call my sponsor pretty much daily. I am going to 1-2 meetings most days. I am doing so many different things. My life is different. I still can't grasp how the hell this happened. It just did.

And yet, I'm drinking, and I don't feel guilty. I feel like it's 50/50 for wanting recovery versus alcohol, and I fully acknowledge alcohol could lead to death. I heard a woman in the meeting complain that they say that, but she never died. That's how I feel. I feel like i'm trying recovery because alcohol only leads to infinite exhaustion and misery but never death. And endless misery scares me.

AA Bitch

I will preface this by saying that this woman was not wrong in facts she stated.. mostly. It more has to do with the critical judgmental way she did it and the fact that she clearly wasn't listening to what I said. Plus, she is also a bitch for much more obvious reasons which I'll add at the end.

I went to the 6pm AA meeting at my home group. My sponsor had said she'd be there, she wasn't, but I probably would have gone anyway. I'm supposed to be doing some step-work for her, and not succeeding (add that at the end). The topic basically ended up being step 3 "Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him" and that's the step I'm working toward with my sponsor.

So they decided to just go around the room rather than having people randomly share.. that's the only reason I shared.

What I basically said is: That now is the 2nd time I've stalled between steps 2 and 3. Step 2 is "Came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity". In my mind I have always read this as "a power that will restore me to sanity". I know that's not an accurate interpretation, but I said it is based on doubt. I've had an off and on relationship with God (didn't get this detailed) but for the past 4-5 years I've been pretty consistently praying and large amounts of that time going to church every sunday. I own at least 5 bibles (I have a bible buying problem). I have read it. I have the bible on my phone that I still read.

The issue is that in that time and in previous times of belief, I have asked God to remove my depression or my eating disorder or my drinking. I've asked for understanding of why he doesn't. I don't feel I have gotten either, so I have doubts that via the 12 steps I will be restored to any sort of sanity. I have doubt I will have a spiritual awakening.

And having doubt in my belief of being restored to sanity or receiving a spiritual awakening or in fact any relief, makes it hard to choose to turn my will and my life over to him. I said I know my will isn't good, but this is the difficulty. I said I know this logic is flawed, but that it is the result of my life experience.


Well, AA bitch started on how step 2 only asks us to "believe in a power greater than ourselves. Period." and step 3 is just a choice (duh). It is only "change our brain". She equated this to choosing to drink coffee being us controlling our brain and there was another dumb example. She then went on about how she believes in the Bible and how God has led her through this and that in her life, and she has never doubted his presence with her.

I never said doubting his presence or existence. I believe in that. It is my ability to see or use his will rather than mine. Mine comes from my brain. I cannot turn my brain into God. That makes no sense. There has to be some work of God's involved. Some change in me. That is my trouble.

Anyway, she said a lot of this looking directly at me, so I know this was aimed at me and what I said. I never said the steps should be read differently (though I believe she oversimplified it), but that my mind has a flawed logic.

I've never liked this woman. She thinks she knows everything. She has been a chaplain, so she has a holier than thou way of speaking. Plus, the other day she said something about one of her daughters being a lesbian and how she doesn't approve of that way of life. That's her own bigoted morals, but you sure as fuck do NOT say that in an AA meeting. It has nothing to do with alcohol. There was one person I know is a lesbian there and one who is transgender. Both were clearly upset after the meeting.
The 10th tradition states "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." and most people in meetings interpret this as it is not appropriate to talk about outside issues that have nothing to do with your alcoholism.

So I stepped out at one point and sat outside. I came in for the last few minutes, but I didn't go to the 8pm meeting today. I am drinking, but I had pretty much decided that before the meeting. I had bought the vodka before the meeting.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told him when he asked that I had drank on 2 days week before last and 4 last week. I said I was going to 1-2 meetings daily and had a sponsor. He basically said something about not being successful. Then he asked if I was going to 12 step meetings, and I repeated myself. he asked about a sponsor, so i repeated myself. He said "so that's not really helping." I said my sponsor thinks I have made a lot of progress.. and he relented and said things were better. He officially put me on Trazadone for sleep (I did tell him I was already taking it). I'm happy with this and honesty don't care about his judgment of my sobriety.


My AA homework.. I am not sure if this aimed at step 2 or 3.. I think 3. I am supposed to write a letter to god. Then I am supposed to meditate/pray, and write God's response to me. I've written the letter twice. Yesterday, I kept getting interrupted to much to do the 2nd part. Today I wrote another because this is supposed to be done back to back. The letter was essentially the same even though I didn't reread the 1st one. I then (learning from yesterday) put on headphones and music (w/o any words). I read the bible some. I prayed. I tried to sit and meditate, which I am bad at, I tried just closing my eyes and focusing on the music. I tried repeating some phrase in my head. I tried drawing spirals because drawing a pattern seems like meditation. I got nothing. I took of the headphones, nothing. I thought during the meeting. I thought when I was outside. I cannot manage a response. I don't know if this is me or something I'm doing. I'll talk to my sponsor again tomorrow. Maybe she has guidance or another assignment. I do suck at meditating.

I hate this...

I was sober yesterday and am sober today. I am still not convinced I want this. Actually, I'm fairly certain I don't. The issue is that I hate to disappoint everyone at AA that are trying to support me.

I'm supposed to be calling 3 people (from AA) a day, and that has not been happening at all. Most days I manage to call my sponsor or she calls me. I'm going to meetings. I think I went everyday last week.

I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am sick of being around people. My sponsor thinks I'm doing well, being honest, showing up, being diligent.. I don't know exactly. I drank 4 days last week.

Yesterday, I went to church and lunch with a friend. Then I went to my parents' house for dinner. I left in time to go to a meeting at an AA group near their house. It was a pretty good meeting. I had texted my sponsor a bit but hadn't called her.

Driving home, I started thinking about the vodka in my freezer. It wasn't much, just what was leftover from Saturday. I had told myself it was no big deal. That much vodka is not worth drinking, but then I realized I thought about it the whole drive home. I called my sponsor when I got home but was still sitting in my car. She stayed on the phone and talked to me while I took the bottle down to the dumpster. I wasn't that upset about it. Like I said, it was not enough to really get me drunk. I still ended up taking 2 klonopin and 2 trazadone so I could sleep..

Woke up at around noon today. Stayed in bed for a while looking at stuff on my phone. Finally got up and sat at my computer for a while. I had a Coke Zero and I think some cereal. At around 3 I finally showered. At around 4 I left the apartment to get lunch/dinner. Then I went to the AA building to try to work on an assignment from my sponsor. This was hard because this one crazy guy (who had been walking around talking to himself) sat down and started talking to me.

I finally got up and told one woman I know that I was sitting by her to get him to leave me alone. She played along and pretty loudly said who would be sitting in the other 2 seats next to me at the table. Crazy guy sat across from us. I wasn't listening but apparently he really offended someone else there.

That meeting sucked... I wasn't clear on the topic, but I always manage to focus on when people say that if they kept drinking they would die or that they wanted to die. That's what I hear. By the end, I wanted to go to the liquor store so badly, but my sponsor walked in about 10 minutes before the end.

I told her I wanted to go.. we talked about random stuff, and then she had to meet with another woman. I found a bench and sat in the corner of it. When I'm really depressed, I need to feel grounded. I didn't want to sit on the floor because 1) people might come ask me why and 2) the floor there is gross. The bench was an ok substitute if my back was pressed against the corner and I had my legs crossed and both touching the bench. I sat and read my bible.

She stayed and chaired the next meeting, which was about selfishness. It was a good meeting.. people said some funny stuff. I started crying randomly at one point. I had my arms crossed tightly and was picking at my skin. My sponsor started rubbing my shoulder/back at some point. I survived the meeting.

When I told her I was leaving, she said that it was a success because I stayed until after 9 (when liquor store closes). She said I looked like I felt like shit, but emotions are ok. I walked out to my car and drove home crying. I fed the cats and then cut myself.

I am just not a functioning human being. I get the feeling I'm not eating enough.. I eat once before I go to AA at 6. I maybe eat a yogurt or a popsicle when I get home. Today I've had a chicken sandwich and fries before, and since I got home I've had a cracker. My scale is a piece of shit, but it reads lower than when I weighed myself a month or two ago.

I'm on my period which is probably not helping the depression. But there are times where I can only think about drinking, cutting, or suicide. I know this isn't good. I just don't know what to do about it.

Hiding, asking for help, and avoiding people

I've been updating a lot because I have a lot on my mind, and I also realize I've been posting some negative/scary things about suicidal thinking and dangerous drinking.. so maybe I ought to let people know I'm still alive if they read those things

So obviously I'm alive. Last night was really rough. I tried going to bed at around midnight. I took my normal meds and a klonopin. I could not fall asleep. Around 2am I got up and took a couple trazadone. Eventually I fell asleep. I had cut yesterday so my leg itched like crazy so that wasn't helping matters. When I can't sleep my mind goes to pills and suicide. What could I take, what would happen, and how it might affect people.

I woke up between 10 and 11. I looked at my phone and find a text from a friend to check facebook because this girl I knew from eating disorder support groups had died. Not the best way to wake up.

I feel really bad.. the posts are unclear as to if it was ED related or an accident. Something about passing out in the bathtub or slipping. My guess is either way it's ED related. She has been really working at recovery the past couple years. The problem is her body was so far gone. Lately she was scheduled for reconstructive jaw surgery because the bone was crumbling. She has been in a nursing home at points because of her fall risk and osteoporosis. She was such an amazing person, and she had fought so hard.. it definitely sucks. I hadn't seen her in several years but was in touch on facebook. She was always sweet and funny

I had therapy today and was supposed to go check on my parents' dog because they're out of town. Going to their house involves going to an area with a lot of liquor stores. I called my sponsor before I left. She said to come get her and she'd go with me. This was way more than my brain could handle. I was expecting her to want me to call her. She pointed out I had asked for help.. I think I've progressed to where I can ask for help but not to where I can take it. Plus, I wasn't just going there.. I had therapy so she'd have to sit around and wait.. and mainly that was too much human contact

I went to therapy. I pretty much curled up on the couch. She ask if I'd talked to my friends about staying with them and I explained my friend thought I should pursue treatment and that I dropped the issue after that. I explained about getting a sponsor and reducing drinking.

I also explained about the cutting and the suicidal thoughts. She's known me long enough not to panic. She was asking about what this might be covering up. We talked about school and jobs and basically I said it was all too much to think about. She could tell I was exhausted, so we're dealing with it more next week. When I said I wanted to drink, she said I still could. Not encouraging me too, but mostly I guess implying it would not be the end of the world if I did. I had explained how much I just wanted to shut down.

So I left and went to my parents house. Convinced the dog to go outside even though it had rained and the ground was wet. She looked at me pretty pathetically. She went out. When she went back in, I gave her a cookie and spent some time petting her. She is a very anxious dog, and I don't think she likes being home by herself (well her and the cat). I sat with her and talked to her before leaving. My brother is checking on her tonight, and I go again tomorrow.

She's really quite crazy. She has lived with my parents for 7-8 years, and she still sleeps under the bed, which is not that weird until you consider her size.

 She really does love the yard when it's nice out. You take her outside to pee or to brush and she ends up lounging and ignoring you.

This is her cave under my mom's desk. It's actually progress because it's hiding behind people and not just under the bed. We are now less scary than storms.

I did buy vodka on the way home. I am drinking it. I did go to an AA meeting at 6. Apparently I have no attention span today, so I only went to one. I didn't text/call my sponsor about drinking. I just want a night off from thoughts. I bought a liter and plan to drink just half tonight. It's in a glass bottle (same brand) which is weird. So used to plastic bottles since it's so cheap.

Odd food accomplishments the past week. I have bought yogurt. I am eating yogurt and granola, which is one of my favorite foods. Tonight I ate a raspberry yogurt. When I was deep in ED, I only ate vanilla. Even after, I had convinced myself I didn't like any fruit flavors. I challenged this and enjoyed the result. I bought normal milk. I had been buying organic, not because of it being organic (there are reasons I oppose that) but because it expires later. I bought this assuming I might actually drink it before it expires.

I did microwave a meal for dinner. It was awful. I've had yogurt with granola and a few crackers. I will probably eventually have to eat real food.

I am avoiding my sponsor. I am avoiding speaking to anyone at AA except a couple men. In general, women are encouraged to call other women for support. I can talk to these guys before meetings, but it's never deep conversations. One is very cute. Otherwise I avoid people or bolt as soon as possible. Today I bolted. I need a break.

Not doing well

I have not had any alcohol since Monday, so that is one positive.

I desperately want to drink, though. I think about it a lot. I texted my sponsor a bit today, and I did see her at a meeting, but didn't actually speak to her. I didn't make any phone calls like I am supposed to. I had planned to go out grocery shopping with a friend from AA after the 8pm meeting, but I cancelled. My depression is just very bad. Partly, I wanted to go shopping alone so I could pick up first aid supplies.

Since the drinking stopped, the self harm has started again. I have cuts on both legs, a few burns on my stomachs, plenty of places I've picked at my skin, and a few where I've (intentionally) scratched hard enough to leave a mark.

I've also been playing with my medicine. I did finally tell my sponsor about this on Monday. Some days it was Klonopin and Librium. Some it was Klonopin and Trazadone. Never more than 1 or 2 of anything, but it is tempting. I spent a bit longer than I should staring into the Klonopin bottle yesterday. Tonight I can't sleep, and I laid in bed wondering what would happen if I took the rest. I wonder if I took all the trazadone (I have quite a few). I wondered if I took all of both and some seroquel. Basically contemplating overdoses.

I fins myself praying not to wake up. I find myself wondering when sobriety will start sounding better than drinking myself to death. It's hard to really see things getting better when part of me just wants out. Still part of me doesn't want to upset anyone. Now that people in AA know me better, I worry that they'll be upset if I "go back out" (disappear and relapse) or if I die. I wish I'd never gotten involved.

I have thought briefly about going into the hospital until the suicidal thoughts pass.. but I don't do well in psych wards. I always end up either self harming or restricting or purging or some combination of those. I wish there was somewhere that they didn't make me go to group therapy. Where I could see a psychiatrist and maybe a therapist, and then I could be left alone to rest. I don't think there's anywhere like that.

I do see my therapist this afternoon. I did tell my sponsor I'd try to get an appointment with my psychiatrist soon (my next appointment is at the end of August). I'm also supposed to go check on my parents' dog since they're out of town, and there are several liquor stores near their house.

It's all just too much. I am debating calling my sponsor (at a more reasonable time of morning) and telling her I'm worried about going near liquor stores. I'm debating buying liquor. I'm debating going to AA tomorrow or finding some excused to stay home. During the 6pm meeting today I wanted desperately to curl up on the floor. It's a grounding thing I guess.. the floor is more comforting than chairs. I ended up going out to my car and crying between meetings because I didn't want anyone to see or talk to me.

Just too much

Shitty human being

Yesterday was bad. I was supposed to meet my sponsor at 5. I got ready early and went to the liquor store and then to get lunch.

We meet and read through step 2 (came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity) and talked a bit. There were several things (including the vodka in my car) I neglected to mention.

The 6 pm meeting pissed me off, but I'm on my phone and don't feel like typing all that. So when a couple people get there, I convinced them to go to an 8pm meeting somewhere else. During all that, I text my sponsor about the fact that I've been cutting and taking more meds than prescribed.

Well, she shows up at the meeting. It was a rough meeting. A story from the big book. I underlined this part "If I were to go back to drinking, it would be just a matter of time before one of two things happened: I'd succeed at suicide, or I'd the start the life of the living dead. I'd seen what the latter looked like, and real death was preferable"

My brain stuck on that. I started crying and debated sitting on the floor of the bathroom, but the meeting was almost over.

After the meeting my sponsor was talking about the story. I made the mistake of telling her about the vodka but then deciding on the way back to keep it.

That was no easy task. I told her I just wanted to keep it and just go home. She wanted me to talk to her. This was largely me crying and refusing to make eye contact. I talked about feeling empty and desperate and wanting to drink or cut or overdose. I was honest.

I eventually said I wanted to leave and she said she wouldn't stop me. It felt like the worst thing I'd ever done. She was so nice. Not judgmental. 

I drank the bottle and stayed in bed until 3pm today. Now I'm at the AA building. My sponsor is coming at some point. My brain still isn't really working. I don't think I'm sober yet, and I still hate myself. 

My sponsor

I met with my sponsor a little bit last week. It was mostly because I was really struggling.

Today was our first official meeting. She had given the assignment of making a list of 10 things alcohol has affected my life and situations it caused. I wrote 5 last night and got tired. I brought that and we kept adding and ended up with 16. It actually wasn't too bad. Some of it was things I never talked about.

We read through step 1 in the 12 and 12. I'm supposed to read step 2 this week.

After that I left to have lunch with a friend and then came back for the women's meeting. They were really proud I was talking and that I had talked in another meeting without being called on. I admitted I had the relapse but that I had days of sobriety for the first time in a long time. I'm embarrassed people were proud and paying attention to me, but it was nice.

After that, I sat around and watched people play dominoes for a while until me and 2 others decided to go to lunch. I almost didn't go. I have absolutely no money. My checking account is -52$. I need to talk to my parents tomorrow. I really haven't been frivolous with spending, but I had a credit card payment and a membership to a job site paid this week.

Anyway, one of them said she'd buy my food. We went somewhere cheap. We ate and went shopping. I didn't buy anything, but one of them just moved into a new apartment and was stocking up on cat supplies.

We went back to the AA building and played Jenga. It was a pretty impressive game

Much better than dominoes in my opinion.

There was a meeting at 8, but I left. I was depressed and really wanting to go to the liquor store.

I called my sponsor when I got to my car. She said I should go to the meeting, but I said I was tired. She asked if I prayed and then if I'd pray with her.

The plan was
I would call as soon as I got home.
She would call 10 minutes later
So it would be too late to get liquor

It ended up mostly texting, but I think she was also texting me to make sure I really was home. She asked me to find my big book and 12&12.
I texted her when I found them.
She asked me to find the 3rd step prayer, so I found the page number.
She asked me the first 4 words on a page which ended up being "try with a will" (and she hinted not mine).

When I went to anorexics and bulimics anonymous, my sponsor was awful. She would take forever to return calls. She'd call while shopping with her kids. She asked my advice about one of her kid's mental health.

This one seems committed and pretty smart

Since I mentioned it. The 3rd step prayer (which I actually had memorized a while ago)

God, I offer myself to thee
To build with me and to do with me what thou will.
Relieve me of the bondage of self. That I may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties. That victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
Of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life
May I do thy will always
Amen

I love the line "relieve me of the bondage of self" because so much of my pain and my fear comes from my own brain. I need to be open to God's will and to other people I can help or be helped by. That doesn't work if I'm entirely self centered.

Gotta work on this prayer thing.

Aftermath of a relapse

So I drank last night. Not an unusual amount. 15 shots has kind of been my average for a while, and that's what I had last night. Apparently that amounts to almost a whole fifth (750ml bottle) of vodka.

But I guess I blacked out. I swear I remember getting in bed and watching something on my tablet.

I woke up at 4pm today. I honestly slept from around 2am till 4pm. I woke up thinking it was still morning and I could go back to bed. I looked at my watch and thought maybe it was broken, but I checked my phone and it was 4. I noticed a bunch of stuff around my desk that must mean my trash can was knocked over. The show pulled up on Netflix is not one I remember watching. Plus, I have bruises on both knees and my wrist.

So I showered and dressed, and a little before 5 I went to get something to eat. After I ate, I got the courage to call my sponsor. She was understanding. We joked about some stuff. I promised I was going to 2 meetings (6pm and 8pm) and not leaving the building between.

She told me that I should get a desire chip (unless I planned to keep drinking) and that I had to tell someone at the meeting. I agreed to both, though I wasn't sure about the 2nd one.

The meeting was about prayer and meditation. I didn't talk, but it was helpful. I got a desire chip at the end. This made telling people simple because 2 women came up to me and talked to me. One asked if it was my 1st meeting and I explained it wasn't but I had relapsed. I said my sponsor told me to get it, and they were happy I had a sponsor. We talked about reading the Big Book, which I haven't done since rehab.

Between meetings I sat around and looked at stuff on my phone. I had intended to sit on a bench against the wall instead of at the table, but a guy came in and asked how I was doing. I ended up sitting by him. I told him about the relapse and he said it's no big deal and no one would judge me. We talked about other stuff like school. He's also very cute. Mostly, he's very sweet.

So I'm not drinking tonight. I am still unsure about if I really want to quit drinking, but I'm trying not to think about it tonight

Slips and sponsors

Monday was my 1st day sober in almost 6 months. I poured out my vodka. A friend invited me to AA, which led to us hanging out until almost midnight. I took librium (1) and klonopin (1) and trazadone (1). All things I was prescribed in the past.

Tuesday I dragged my ass out of bed around 11 (I had gone to bed at 3am) and went to lunch with a friend. She is a bit crazy herself (bipolar) and recently went through an unexpected pregnancy and a miscarriage. I hadn't seen her for over a month because she was justifiably depressed. She seems well now, and she is being super supportive of my recovery.

She think she and another friend were bad influences and caused my relapse. This is so not true. What happened is that I am very manipulative (this will be an amends at some point) and told them it was ok to have a couple drinks. This was actually long before the last relapse after rehab. The friend I was meeting has done no harm in my opinion. The other has decided we should all (except my friend who was pregnant then) margaritas at her neighbor's house while they smoked pot. I am reevaluating that friendship.

Tuesday I went to the 6pm AA meeting. I was kidnapped by my friend to go get coffee (awesome coffee drinks) and then go to the 8pm meeting. We hung out after. I actually walked out early because of various drama, so my friend and I sat outside.  I texted a woman and asked her to be my sponsor. She said yes and we were set to meet Saturday.

Wednesday I went to 6pm meeting and 8pm meeting. After we talked a bit, we went to dinner. It was me and 2 girls from the group and one guy I think I have seen but didn't know well. They all have amazing, ridiculous, perverted senses of humor. It was fun. I went home around 11.
Yesterday I texted my sponsor during the 6pm meeting that I really wanted to drink. She tried calling but I missed it. She texted me to talk to a certain woman there. I hesitated, but I went over and said "J__ told me to talk to you" and the woman didn't blink. We sat down and talked about seeing the future consequences of drinking. Looking beyond the momentary relief. I was commanded basically to not leave the building until 8. My sponsor called while we were dinner, and I said I was there and she asked if I would be ok, and I said yes I was feeling better (not a lie)

Today was hard. I had asked the bipolar friend (let's call her B) if I could come over and watch Netflix today. I went over and brought yogurt and fruit to eat. We ate and watched Star Trek Voyager.  Her giant doberman cuddled me

 He made a decent table for about 30 seconds. Thankfully was expecting that and prevented grape explosion

 Selfie with Marshall. Good angle for him, horrible photo angle for me. He is a sweet, dumb, giant baby. I think he's 2

My friend called while I was there because I texted her that I wanted to drink. She talked about treatment possibilities and she said she'd be at the meetings tonight. I texted my sponsor the same thing, and she said she'd be at the meeting.

Oddly, my friend wasn't there. My sponsor was. She pulled me into one of the side rooms and we talked a lot
She asked "What do you have to change when you quit drinking?"
My guess "To stop drinking"
Her answer "Everything"

So I told her about everything that makes me think of it
1. The many empty bottles of  vodka in my apartment
2. Various food and drink items I associate with drinking
3. The shot glass in my kitchen I always use
4. Shit like opening the freezer
5. The pen on my desk I use to keep count of how many drinks I've had

She asked about the empty bottles and asked if I could throw them away tonight. I was silent and then said I was afraid to touch them. She said could she help. I said I didn't want people in my messy apartment. She said she could stand with a trash bag and her eyes close. I gave up.

She drove me to my apartment with a trash bag. On the way she asked how I would tell my life story in 5 minutes. I basically self destruction and perfectionism. I did explain I had a history of self harm and bulimia earlier. I let her inside. We found all the bottles and the 2 visible shot glasses. She bagged them and dumped them in the dumpster and we went back. After the last of the meeting we talked. Mostly about her suggestions (firmly suggested= a very very good idea). How I should call 3 alcoholics today, which I can't start yet until I get more phone numbers. It was a good talk. She left before the 8 meeting.

I sat there and the urge came back. I feel like my mind was 90% focused on the liquor store. I gave in and left at maybe 8:10 and went to buy vodka. I felt bad on the way there. I felt ok going home.

I will call my sponsor tomorrow. I will tell her. I will go to a meeting or 2 tomorrow. I only bought a fifth (750ml) not more. I hope to throw away any extra tonight. Either way, I've been honest enough I can't hide anymore. I never lied to them. I just never told them I was drinking because nobody asked.

I do on some level feel guilty, but it really felt like it would happen eventually. I felt it in me. The depression gets bad at night. I want to self harm. I want to abuse the meds I have. I had this whole binge in my head (I told my sponsor about this).

Even thinking of sobriety and being honest is much more than I've done in a long time.. so I feel this is progress, I believe I will still go back and be sober. I just slipped.

My sponsor will not blink at this, and we'll start the steps on saturday. She definitely knows insanity and alcohol and insanity and everything. She gets the humor of some of it because even I laugh at some shit I've done/thought. It is enough to say it and laugh without analyzing every little bit. The 12 steps is a lot about just listing the past and seeing the future. It is not dwelling on it. It is admitting it, burning it, and going on. I like that.

My 1st assignment is to write 10 times/situations I was powerless over drinking. This seems easy

It is after midnight, and I am still sober

My brain is kinda scattered right now. I'm very tired and very awake.

Today has been weird and amazing

It started shitty. I was sick all morning/early afternoon with allergies and nausea and whatever.
At like 4pm I poured out the only vodka in my apartment. Partly because I was feeling sick and thinking of that made it worse. Partly because it was taunting me because it was less than I normally drink each day, and that almost makes it not worth drinking. Anyway, motivation isn't super important.

Honestly, I'm not sure any of this has fully processed yet. I spent 4 hours watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix and crying, so my mind was kinda shut off.

At around 4 a friend from AA texts me.. actually just after I poured out the vodka. I told her that and she said that was pretty hardcore. She texted me at around 6 to see if I'd go to the 8pm meeting. I debated it because I was sitting around in my underwear watching Greys Anatomy, but then I decided that probably wasn't healthy. I got dressed and went

It was a bizarre meeting... there was this very clearly crazy (and I don't usually use that term for people at meetings). He had 3 cups of coffee that he kept moving around on the table. He'd refill one but not the others. And he kept ranting about how he was a drug addict as a teenager and now he can't stand the thought of doing drugs because it gets in the way of his goals. Then at one point honestly started on about how if he didn't want to drink he could just stop. He didn't need help.. and some shit about alcoholics being murderers and whores and I had no idea at that point. He talked 3 times. It was a bit fascinating

So the girl who invited me had been trying to get me to play dominoes before the meeting and I said no because I hadn't played. She asked again after the meeting and we ended up playing pairs. Apparently, I don't have to really understand to win the game pretty well. My partner just kept telling me to watch what he did, and I would and then put down what seemed to match.. and we won by a lot. I only played one game because math was not working in my head, but I watched them play until almost 11.

Then the 6 of us went to IHOP.. which was insane. One of these women is.. insanely extroverted. Like she tries to do group hugs and was telling me how they needed me.. it is sweet but also scary. Well, everyone was so loud at the restaurant. Apparently, we all have sick immature senses of humor. But the food kept getting screwed up. Like she called the waiter over because another guy at the table had more fries than her.. this took like 30 minutes for the waiter to actually bring more fries. One girl was obsessing over how her meal should come with garlic bread.. this was still going on when I left.

One of the guys bought my meal and the crazy one's.. which is nice but I also kinda feel bad. Though I only have $63 in the bank and $25 available on one credit card... Well, we left a bit before midnight because someone had driven me and I had to get back to my car so it wouldn't get towed.

Then I sat for probably 20-30 minutes just talking to my friend, and she gets some of the stuff I don't even admit to.. like how cleaning her apartment would make her cry. This came up because I have at least 8 empty bottles of vodka in my kitchen, that I probably should not clean up by myself. She gets the craziness and she actually cares.

I am not used to this. I have supportive people in my life, but this girl I usually see once a week understands all the stuff I won't admit to. She acknowledges how much this is going to suck for a while but that I shouldn't go through it alone.. and that's starting to make sense. We laughed about how I never admitted things were bad in meetings because I scared they would actually help me and that was way too much. Except now maybe not quite as terrifying. Kinda like sobriety is supposed to be one day at a time, this actually asking for help thing is going to be a day at a time. AA people are screwed up (myself included) but there's this weird sort of honesty that happens there.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty wired. I can tell my blood pressure is probably high (I can feel it in my neck.. it's weird), so I took a librium and am waiting to see what happens. I want this to settle down before I take my others meds.

I also went so far as to not lock the deadbolt on my apartment door (the one that can't be unlocked from the outside) in case I need help. This is a bit terrifying because I'm obsessive about locking my door. Not just in case of robbery, but I hate the idea that someone other than me could let themselves in with a key.. but it makes sense in my brain.

Oh and I bought groceries. I realized it was after midnight, so in Texas stores can't sell any alcohol.. so I thought I should take the opportunity. I bought a weird assortment of things.. gatorade for dehydration, pepsi max for when caffeine is needed, crackers, cereal (fruit loops with marshmallows), raspberry preserves for toast, b vitamin supplement which is supposed to be good for some reason, nasal spray for my damn allergies, and popsicles.. because I'm sober and I deserve them. Not even the all fruit kind. I am going to eat fruit loops and popsicles like a child if I want to.

I'll get back to nutrition after I get through the first few days. And I bought yogurt.. which was a debate. Sometimes I buy yogurt and love it. Usually I buy it and it sits in the fridge until it expires. I like yogurt. I'm really not sure what the mental block is with it, but I'm aiming for nausea friendly foods after being sick all morning and then trying to eat a piece of leftover pizza because I had hardly anything in the apartment. 

Yuck

This might be triggering as far as ED stuff

For a person who was bulimic for 6 years, I now really hate throwing up. I mean purging at least was intentional, so it was expected and usually planned.

Actually being sick and throwing up, that I hate. Same with throwing up because of alcohol. Unfortunately, being an alcoholic has made this a much more frequent occurrence.

While I'm drinking, it usually isn't the number of shots that does it. It's either i have trouble swallowing/taking the whole shot at once, whatever I drink after doesn't take away the taste, or eventually just how much liquid I have in my stomach.

The last one I think is a result of the bulimia? I think my body is trained to purge if my stomach is very full, and I also would drink liquids to make purging easier. So now, if I have more liquids than food in my stomach, I get the urge to throw up.

Anyway, it's all random. Sometimes it's right after the first shot. Maybe it's further in. Sometimes I get nauseous but can stop myself by drinking/eating something. Others it's a mad dash to the bathroom

Then besides it being a direct result of the alcohol, I seem to have blood sugar problems now. Not as bad lately because I think I'm usually awake and eating before I'm fully sober in the morning. For a while, I had maybe an hour or two to eat after I woke up or I'd get sick. What is ridiculous is when food would fix the problem, but I can't keep any in.


Lately my allergies have been terrible. Not sure what plant or pollen or whatever is causing it. So I woke up feeling sick because I was congested and the drainage down my throat makes me sick if I haven't eaten.

I get up, take allergy medication (pseudoephedrine) and attempt a bowl of cereal. That took a while because shredded wheat is not appetizing when I don't feel well. A little later that all comes back up (gross but I even saw the sudafed pill).

I sit back down. I take another pill and attempt gummy bears. I don't know why, but gummy bears are good for when I feel sick while drinking. Then I had a waffle. Then after a while that all came up.

Then I took a Zofran (anti nausea) and watched South Park in bed for 2 hours. Now I'm attempting to eat again. I really don't have nausea friendly food at home. I have bread, but toast doesn't usually help. Only cereal is shredded wheat which is bad w/o milk and milk is bad for the congestion part. I have a couple frozen meals, but I remember the last time I ate that particular meal I got sick (not really related to the food). So I'm having leftover pizza and diet pepsi. Really not enjoying it.

Plan? Plans?

So I have a couple possible plans for this whole sobriety thing.
I talked to my friend, and she and I both agree treatment would be best. Preferably longer term (months-year). I've known her for over 10 years, so she's seen me through depression, cutting, bulimia, and alcoholism. I've seen her through some things too. She's one of the handful of people that understand that all the addictions served the same purpose. Self medication for everything else.

I even mentioned not wanting to tell my parents. She says they should want to know since I am their daughter, but she is also someone who knows about me and my parents. When I was in middle/high school, my friends thought my parents were perfect. They were nice and funny. They also had major communication issues and passive aggressive tendencies, and they were always sure I was the only one sick. They don't get it being a family problem or that they contributed (not caused) to a lot of it.

Since then I have done some research and thought a lot.

I found a couple potential treatment centers. I am not thinking long term now. I mentioned to her that I may consider moving into a sober living facility when my lease is up in November. I don't know if everywhere has this concept.. it's like a halfway house. A group home or apartment complex for recovering alcoholics/addicts. Usually with counseling and drug testing and a supportive environment.

I read about places online, but I was at my parents' house so couldn't really call. I will reevaluate tomorrow and maybe call some. I'm looking for 2-4 weeks detox plus inpatient. I'm looking for somewhere that 1. takes my insurance 2. will work with me on paying the rest (insurance pays 80%) since I'm unemployed. It's become too overwhelming to research much more.


The other plan that I am leaning toward, and it may not be a good plan. I will quit drinking and detox at home.. But
1. I will take my detox medication. I am researching dosage and I am looking at normal tapering protocol
2. I will enlist at least 1 person to text me (or I'll text them) at regular intervals.
Reasoning- if I don't answer or text, they can call. If I don't answer they can maybe decide to call an ambulance. If I answer, they can make sure I sound coherent. No paranoia. No hallucinations. Nothing like that.
3. I will enlist at least go to AA once a day. I am considering enlisting someone to pick me up and take me. That way I have to go.
I am considering asking one of the women I trust to keep my car keys for now so I can't 1. get liquor 2. drive while disoriented/hallucinating whatever. This comes down to how much I trust them. If I do this, I want it to be someone nearby who can pick me up if I absolutely need something.


This is all a bit complicated by the fact that my therapist will be out of town this week. I should probably call and run things by her, but I feel like the more people involved the scarier it gets. I could see my psychiatrist about the home detox. I am unsure if he'd agree. I guess maybe I can be considered a severe alcoholic? at this point. If you're reading this, feel free to weigh in. I'm at at least 15 shots of vodka a day. I told my friend that since none of us really drank in college, I don't have a lot to compare this to.

I still have some steps to take. I probably won't quit tomorrow. I am debating tapering down a bit, which might make it less dangerous. I should also (especially if giving away my keys) stock up on food, gatorade, and anything for being sick. I have read stuff about what to do. High protein, high fat diet. Lots of fluids. Vitamins. Low caffeine. Probably ice packs for sweats. I've got anti-nausea meds both prescription and over the counter. I hoarded the prescription ones. I had a stomach bug that lasted a day, but my doctor wrote it for 30 pills (yay!)

This is all WAY too much. Too many options too many things to prepare too many people to talk to. I hate phone conversations. The at home route is my preference, but I do know I need to be in contact with people. It may mean leaving my apartment unlocked and sleeping on the couch, so someone can come in and check on me if I don't respond to calls/ texts. I have never had DTs or anything severe, just high blood pressure, but the tremors are embarrassing at this point. I saw my parents today and tried so hard to will my hands to be still (doesn't work).

So if you read this, feel free to weigh in. I am not by any means making anyone responsible for this decision, but opinions and support are welcome

AA

The only meeting I currently attend regularly is a Saturday afternoon women's meeting. I don't think it's the only women part that makes me comfortable there (though it is a part). Mostly it's relatively small (less than 20) meeting and it's predictable. There are 4-5 people who are always there. Several more are there frequently.

Also, compared to a lot of meetings everyone has a chance to talk. I've been to meeting where the leader would call on specific people and not just let people talk.

The one problem is that everyone has a chance to talk. The leader is a former teacher and makes a seating chart. She will let people volunteer to share but then will call on anyone who doesn't share. She will run the meeting for more than the usual hour to give us time.

Well, I stopped sharing a few weeks ago. I haven't really told them I'm drinking still, and it feels wrong to share without being honest about that. It is also terrifying to even think of sharing that because I know they'll want me to do things and try to stop or make me talk to them, etc

Well, I didn't share during the meeting today, and was then cornered by one of the girls there. She asked me what was wrong and if I could sit down and talk to her. I told her the truth. I said I'd been drinking a lot. I said my psychiatrist wants me in rehab but money is an issue.

She said there are still places I could go. We were then joined by another woman and I had to explain it again. She was asking how they could help. Saying I can hang out with them if I need to and they can drive me places and to meetings if I was drunk.

Then we were joined by a 3rd woman. She started telling me about some children's home place that does counseling and life skills and it's free. She went on and on about it. The other 2 started asking if I wanted them to drive there with me and get information. They would do whatever it took to keep me from just going home and shutting the world out.

Then another woman came over. She is really the sweetest, weirdest woman. She actually lost 2 of her daughters to addiction. She really likes me. She always wants to sit by me and talk to me. She's been upset that I haven't been sharing.

She came over, and thankfully one of the girls already there explained what was going on because I was really sad and anxious at this point. The woman said next week she'd have a list of ideas for me and talked about some other places.

At this point, my brain was turned off. I've had therapists tell me I dissociate when things are scary or difficult or if I'm cornered and questioned. Not dissociate like multiple personalities, but my brain switches off. This has happened since I was a teenager. I learned to switch my brain off so lying was easier. Back then I'd just stare at the carpet in silence. Now I can talk, but it's like everything is far away or separate from me if that makes any sense. My brain feels detached.

I did tell them about staying with my friends, but I ended up saying I just wanted to go home. I was way too overwhelmed at this point. There ideas might be helpful, but it was too much to process today.

I've honestly been wondering if I could go into a hospital for a few days to detox without telling my parents. I realize that's a very unhealthy idea. I would really prefer not to go into a hospital or rehab. Some of them understood that I'd had so much treatment already. I've been in a psych ward 8-9 times. That's not including rehab or residential for bulimia. It's not including my attempts at various partial hospital or IOP programs.

I always go back to how I was before when I get out. Maybe not immediately, but I've been in so much therapy that I know everything they're going to tell me. I know all the skills I'm supposed to use. I know all about relationships and boundaries. I think the depression always comes back and so do the behaviors that help with it.

So I will talk to my friends. I will look up the places mentioned. I will keep an open mind, but today I just want to sit at home alone.

Honesty and mango

Wrote a little earlier on my phone, but I decided to start over.

So this morning I was a bit braver than yesterday. I emailed my friend who I had talked to about staying at their house. It was less brave than calling, but I did say I would talk to them Sunday. That gave me time to see my therapist for her opinion.

Whenever he or his wife have asked how things are, I have shrugged or said not good.. or I tried good except the drinking, which he said at the time was a big "except."

I haven't been honest. They haven't asked how much I'm drinking, and I don't willingly volunteer that to people. In the email I was honest. I even told my therapist I know I'm drinking a dangerous amount. Even I have admitted that to myself.

I had told him yesterday that Tuesday was a rough night but not explained and he didn't ask about it. Only asked how he could help. So in the email I explained what I did here yesterday all of the weird stuff in the apartment. I had seen him before I saw the ice in the freezer.

I also saw him before the scratches on my side now cover a nasty purple bruise. That freaked me out a bit this morning. That might have been the motivation to email him.. I don't know. It does make me realize it was a hard fall.

So I talked to my therapist and explained it. I told her how much I've been drinking too. She thinks staying with my friends is a good plan. She asked about the detox meds and how much I have. It's enough for like 3 days. Plus one of my other meds is also anti-seizure. I have klonopin too, which helps with the insomnia. She asked about a blood pressure cuff and says she has one I can borrow if I need to. I don't know if I'm going to do that or just go take it on one of the machines at the grocery store. I might be able to steal/borrow one from school, but that's a lot of effort.

So she is ok with me taking the old meds. She knows the doctor who prescribed them. Actually, it was her idea to try at home that time. She also said it made sense not to throw away something I paid for. I think we've discusses me hoarding meds before.. but I once paid for 3 months of a not inexpensive medication, was taken off it, gave/sold it to a friend who takes it (is prescribed it), and then put back on it a few months later. I spent almost $80 on one month's worth of meds tonight on the way home, and that's with good insurance. It makes me want to stop taking them sometimes.

Then I got to go see my parents for dinner. They are clueless as ever. By then I was feeling sick, it's actually mostly allergies.. or possibly a cold. But this means my nose is running and my stomach feels gross (drainage).
I took more than 30 minutes to manage 2 pieces of plain toast this morning because I felt sick. Lunch I had the brilliant idea of skipping and buying this

Which was disgusting. I started drinking it right before therapy and kept reading the ingredients trying to figure out what made it taste so weird. I never was quite able to figure that out. I managed half (which was 200 calories and 15g protein so something at least) but that didn't really help my stomach feel better. We ended up going to this mexican place, which was better than the mango thing at least. It's annoying because I've had the chocolate protein one and a strawberry breakfast shake. Those were good. It might be that the 2nd ingredient was carrot juice and I HATE carrot juice.

That was off topic I guess. There have been several days where I skip lunch and buy something like this before therapy. I ate lunch last week at this one fast food place, and one of the employees now remembers my name.. so that's not happening again any time soon.

My therapist is out of town next week. Is it bad that I'm kind of relieved? Therapy is stressful and annoying at times. My therapist is always a bit too cheerful and optimistic these days. Actually she always is unless she's pressuring me to go to treatment. Currently pushing for a sober living house, and I'd prefer spending money on treatment than that. That's enough for another entry, so I'll stop. 

When is fear enough?

This morning was kind of scary. Actually, being in the apartment is still a little scary.

So the past couple nights I have woken up with the brilliant idea to walk to the kitchen for a drink of water. I keep some water by my bed, but it's not filtered or cold.

This would be a relatively simple task for a normal person.. there are a few obstacles because I have some stuff on the floor and some furniture too close together.
But if I wake up in the middle of the night, I am usually still quite drunk. Especially if you consider that I drink right up until the time I go to bed, so I'm actually processing alcohol and getting drunker as I sleep.

So when I do this, I have fallen down. My memory is not really clear enough to remember what made me fall each time. I just remember hitting the floor.

Well, I'm sure I fell last night because I woke up with this

On the right side of my stomach/hip. It's not really clear here, but they're big scratches and the rest kind of looks like rug burn.. but I really have no idea what happened. I just know this was not there last night. Also, it hurts

This alone was not incredibly scary. It's the other stuff that was wrong in the apartment

My computer was weird. The monitor was tilted weird. The speaker was knocked off the desk.
Stuff was knocked off the edge of the bathtub
There were jeans on the floor of the bathroom I don't remember moving

That's most of what I noticed this morning
Just now I went to get vodka from the freezer (threw up after the 1st shot.. lovely)
Apparently I made ice? I don't remember that. I even made 2 trays and stacked them correctly
I ate a waffle? or put it somewhere else. It was one left from a box that I threw away to make more room

Don't get me wrong, I've blacked out before. Mostly just not remember how I got to bed or if I showered.. stuff like that. I used to (still do sometimes) check my phone and my sent emails to make sure I didn't do anything. Once I had a text conversation with a friend at 6pm that I did not remember having.

It's been a while. Usually I just wake up not remembering going to bed.. Once I remember falling down (vaguely) and I woke up with a bump on my head. I don't really remember how I fell. Same with last night. I remember falling, but I do not remember anything that would scratch up my stomach.

I need to stop drinking. I am drinking scary amounts. Amounts I have only admitted here. My recent record is 19 shots. I don't think my liver will survive much longer.

And I shake. Not just hands. I walked into a friend's house earlier, and he asked if I needed him to get me food or anything because I was shaking. The other day even my voice was weird and shaky.

I just don't know what to do. I almost do want to check into a hospital, but I HATE psych wards. I hate strangers. I hate pointless group therapy.. like once a group the therapist had us saying what kind of things we like to bake. Seriously? I'm paying for that? I think I'll just stay with friends. That way if I do have a seizure or hallucinate or whatever withdrawal shit, someone will be there to call an ambulance. I have detox meds. I probably should actually tell my psychiatrist rather than taking something prescribed by someone else. I don't know... but I am getting scared.

Annoyed

I feel like the universe has a sick sense of humor sometimes. 

I managed to convince myself to shower and wash my hair today. It wasn't until 3pm since I wasn't out of bed until 1.

Wash my hair, put conditioner in, and the water goes off. The water in my apartment (probably whole building at least) shuts off while I am in the shower.

So I got to go out with some interesting hair.. the front looked ok. The rest was a bit crunchy from the leftover conditioner, but I wasn't going to use this as an excuse to stay home since I needed groceries (and vodka which was probably the best motivation)

I bought this last bottle on Saturday, so I was embarrassed to go to the same store today. And the next closest store my credit card got declined when I was last there. My credit card was declined but my bank card worked.. still embarrassing.

I drove to one a few miles further, and the man there was actually very nice, so that may be more frequently in my rotation. I have been wondering if I should try another brand to see if it tastes better (there are 3 or 4 that are $13 a handle) but I'm scared to buy it and hate it.

Then I actually stopped to eat lunch (well lunch at 4pm). I drank 3 cups of water with it. Between the drinking and the heat (95degrees F) I've been so thirsty, and I know drinking all diet soda with caffeine doesn't help. I went to the grocery store and got a few things. I bought 2 frozen meals. Nothing looked appetizing, so I only picked 2. Plus frozen waffles. I got flavored sparkling water which I've been using as a chaser for the vodka, and I bought chocolate milk because I saw someone buy it and it sounded great (it was)

I stared at vitamins. I take a multivitamin, which is actually not very cheap because it's a weird brand. I've been told by someone who was a nutrition major at school that it's better to buy a brand that uses food based vitamins (from various fruit/veggies extracts) than regular commercial ones.. so I started buying a brand from a organic/natural grocery store. My doctor told me I should consider taking a B vitamin supplement even though the multivitamin has more than %100 required for all the B vitamins. I can't convince myself to spend the money.

Theoretically, alcohol abuse can lead to malnutrition because it screws with the digestive tract, so it doesn't absorb things as well. I have no idea if that's really true, but I also don't believe in taking a bunch of vitamin supplements because I think a lot of that is there to make money for the companies. If I was actually told my levels of something were low, I'd do it.

I need a new doctor. I saw her a couple weeks ago. She mails people their lab results instead of calling, so she did labs and I assume they must be ok. I have no actual proof they are though because I haven't seen them. She sent a new prescription to the pharmacy for my thyroid medication, which probably means she's seen those results.. again, I don't know.

I hate finding new doctors, but I really do hate this one. She gave me all these guilt trips about what alcohol can do... like I should be getting a pneumonia vaccine because I might aspirate my own vomit or I should be on birth control in case I have drunken sex (I assume that was what she was implying). I know all the actual medical risks of alcohol. I've even discussed them with her before, but guilt is not helpful. It just makes me angry. Especially since she doesn't know that I only drink at home alone, so no sex. I don't black out or throw up (without knowing it), so no random pneumonia risk. I'm actually really quite healthy despite being an alcoholic for almost 3 years, so none of this based on my actual experience.

 Guilt is rarely persuasive with psychological disease in my opinion. It tends to make things worse. I don't think she really has any experience with this.

Adding this for anyone who reads. This comic I found explains my experience with fruit
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/fruit
and while I'm on that comic. This is one I love
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/what_you_see