Cooking!

I decided over the weekend to offer to cook dinner for my parents. We usually go out to eat when I visit.. They still believe I am fully vegan when I have lapsed into vegetarian. It limits where we eat, so cooking seemed a good choice. I have not cooked in a while.. in my kitchen I only use the microwave and oven. Mainly recently I eat frozen food.. fries, Gardein tenders, etc.

So cooking was a big deal. I obsessed for days over recipes. I didn't consider the alcohol withdrawal. Tremors + cooking = bad. I thought the Ativan would be enough, but I had to go to the grocery store for more rice noodles.. and I bought a single serving container of wine (Moscato). I drove back to my parent's house and drank that in my car. The combination was enough to chop vegetables with no major problems.

It was pretty fun. I prepped everything (green beans, tofu, red pepper, garlic) before they got home. My dad ended up doing the stir frying part because he wanted to us the giant wok that goes with their charcoal grill. So I delivered things to him outside and he did the frying. I had hoped for this honestly because I've never owned a wok. But I pressed and marinated the tofu. I cut all the veggies. I made the sauce. It turned out great.

If anyone cares, this is what we made http://joanne-eatswellwithothers.com/2014/08/drunken-noodles-tofu-peppers.html

It was fun. I kept the withdrawals to a minimum. I also brought dairy free Ben&Jerry's for after dinner. That was awesome. Probably a bonding experience. Now I am cooking quinoa in not chicken broth (Pacific makes vegetarian chicken broth) for work lunches.

My kitchen is still a bit too messy to use the stove, so cooking at my parent's was nice. I think that inspired me to try making quinoa at home.
I've been eating junk food because that helps the vodka stay down. I want to try quitting again this weekend. I haven't called my sponsor because I didn't want to stop. I feel like I should tell someone that I am at least passively suicidal. Maybe Saturday.

Update

I feel like I should update. Things are.. something. I don't really know.

On Saturday, I asked a woman to be my sponsor. She said yes with the condition that sometimes she is busy and can't answer her phone. Honestly when I mentioned my social anxiety that is especially bad with phone calls, we decided this might be a good thing. She is a woman with years of sobriety (at least 10 but I can't remember now). She also has this calm attitude that I have always admired. My ex-sponsor and I have sat and talked to her because she works and has experience in mental health, so she understands my problems with depression that pre date my alcoholism.

I spent Saturday with my friend B. It was good until around 8:15 (liquor stores close at 9) at which point I kind of broke down. I mean hyperventilating and crying. I told her I wanted to go to the liquor store but didn't. I mostly felt like it would be horrible after spending the afternoon with her to leave suddenly to buy vodka. I got up and put on my shoes and then sat back down. She made me dinner. I eventually left and bought alcohol.  Beer and equivalent beverages are sold until midnight.. so I had a Reed's Wicked Apple and some Beer-a-Rita thing.

Sunday I chose not to go to church. I haven't been in months, and I haven't spoken to my friends who are the reason I began going to that church in weeks. I decided that Pascha was not the time to return to church. I need to go when it is less crowded and involved. I went to AA before work.

At some point at work we had nothing to do. I took that time to leave my sponsor a voicemail. Before work, I had gone to Walmart and spent a while staring at the beer and wine.. so I told her. I got off work early and went to the 6pm meeting. She called during the meeting, so I stepped out and called her back. Honestly, the meeting really upset me. It was a speaker meeting, and the man decided we should go around and give our sobriety dates and if we've worked the steps. This is really inappropriate in my mind. It is everyone's choice to share their sobriety date or share at all. I didn't want to share to everyone about my relapse. I ended up saying I was sober today and restarting the steps with a new sponsor. I don't know if that was vague enough or if everyone knows that meant I wasn't sober.

After that, I went to another meeting at a different group. I started crying during the meeting. The depression and shame was so bad. I drove to the grocery store after the meeting to buy alcohol. I thought about how my sponsor said earlier if I was going to drink, to call her first. I called her and apologized for calling. I explained about the depression and I did tell her about the meeting. She gave me the assignment of writing what I would say to someone else who had relapsed and was in my position. Then to say that script to myself. I did this.. I'm trying to be different now and do what I am told. I also ordered pizza and binged/purged. I also cut. I didn't tell anyone that.

Today.. I went to AA. I saw my ex-sponsor and gave her a gift I bought in January for her 3rd AA birthday. It didn't ship until sometime in February and then I was in the hospital. I explained this.  It was this sign that says "I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas than you". She loved it. That made me happy. I was worried for some reason that it would be awkward.

After the meeting, I went shopping. I went to TJ Maxx to look for something. I ended up buying sheets and a cat food bowl (they don't like to share). Then I went to the liquor store for vodka. Then I went to Walgreen's for soda to drink at work and bandaids for my wrist.
I did not call my sponsor. I didn't want to be talked out of buying the vodka. I didn't want to call and say that I was buying it and refusing to listen. I decided it was better to tell her later.

So I got off work early, and I am now drunk. I don't know why. I keep thinking that I am not ready to quit. I am not at bottom, or I am just not willing. I do think my depression is involved in that thought. I thought driving home that maybe I want to die. I just can't do it. I think that's true. I am not like I was before the hospital. I don't have it all planned out. I just don't really want to live. I don't know if I should tell my sponsor that. I don't know if she will overreact to that or the cutting. I am not willing to go inpatient again. I don't know. I will try to call tomorrow. I will eventually be honest. Tonight, I don't care. I just hope she won't fire me for not calling.

Bugs..

Weird title.. I know.
Today was rough. I drank last night (and dyed my hair) and am not sure how much. I think I blacked out. I actually wrote a post that I don't remember last night, but I deleted it rather than reading it. It disturbs me to have evidence of things I did while intoxicated but don't remember.

I woke up and finally got up around 1pm. I didn't drink. I went to work at 3. It became obvious at work that I wasn't well. I felt kinda dissociated. I mean I looked in the mirror and it was like looking at a photo of a person.. not a reflection of myself. I looked down a few times and thought my skin was the wrong color. I felt warm when everyone claimed the room was cold.

At first I took 1/2 of an Ativan.. then my shaking got worse and the weird distant feeling got worse, so I took another 1mg. I managed to get through OK.

Driving home things seemed odd. Lights in the rear view mirror were a strange color. Headlights were too bright. I stopped and bought drinks (chasers) and nail polish.. not related to drinking. I got home safely.

Drinking has been tough because of how nauseous I felt all day. I was scared that I would puke when I took a shot. I think I managed 6 before pouring the rest down the drain. I'm admittedly still drinking a hard cider.. but the vodka is gone. I am hanging out with B tomorrow, so hopefully I won't buy more.

The bugs thing.. I decided to clean litter boxes tonight before I started drinking. It seriously looked like things were moving. Like worms or something. I mean even the clean litter I added seemed to be moving. Hallucination is fun.. not. I think that's why I poured the vodka out. I was semi-ok with tremors, but I can't handle having to debate if what I am seeing is reality
So tomorrow I intend not to drink. We'll see how that goes. I plan to be honest with B when we hang out..about the slip. I will probably have to take the Ativan tomorrow. I hope it's not too bad.

Small successes

I don't have a lot today, but I have a few small accomplishments to share. I left a few (drunken) voicemails last night. I called my current psychiatrist to ask about detox problems and the hallucinations. He called this morning and I answered. He said something about now having much experience or something with hallucination, but he has good luck with detox and Gabapentin/Neurontin. So he called that in, and I picked up the pills in the afternoon. It was a big accomplishment to tell him the problem and ask for help. I don't know if the Gabapentin will help, but I will try it. I also left a voicemail with a new psychiatrist's office to get an appointment. I was at work when they called back, but I answered. I now have an appointment in 3 weeks with a new doctor. I picked a random one my insurance covers.. he lists mood disorders and chemical dependency as specialties. He seems to work primarily with adults, which is good. I texted J and she replied with a happy face and some small message. I texted B and also told her about texting my current psychiatrist. She seemed happy about that. I am also hoping to get some therapist recommendations from this new doctor's office. I said that to B. My current therapist.. I like and care about, but I am not making progress. I can't justify driving that far to see someone I disagree with about my problems. She is so fixated on me having OCD, and I do not agree with her about that being my original problem. I also don't think she has any solutions. So I am hoping to find someone else.. but a new psychiatrist is the priority.

All of this thinking left me stressed and obsessing. Work was interesting. I have been there long enough that everyone asks my opinion. We also have a trainee who sits by me. I am unsure of the trainee at this point.. so I finally told my supervisor that. She is smart, but they didn't train her enough. The rest ask me questions and it adds a lot of stress and responsibility to  my job. I do my best to help, but I do resent the responsibility sometimes.  Today was just busy and scattered and by the end I was so out of sorts. I told a couple people I really wanted to set reports on fire.. this is joking, but that's where my head was. I am grateful tomorrow is my day off.

So I have had a few accomplishments, but today I drank. I plan to stop tomorrow. I just couldn't do the hallucinations. Hopefully between the Gabapenting and Lorazepam, I can manage to handle it... and maybe I'll just sleep with the lights on. I need to stop drinking. I also want to start cutting.. and hopefully I won't . All my problems are so intertwined. Bulimia, cutting, alcoholism are so wrapped up together. One replaces another. I don't want that to happen. I bought some new scrubs in a size small (my size mediums are rather loose), but it's motivation to focus on diet and my size. It's good motivation not to drink so many calories for sure.
That's all I have right now. My brain is scattered, and I am drunk. Tomorrow I hope to be sober and stay that way. I do not want to keep drinking. I honestly want to cut.. but that will accomplish nothing. Tomorrow I guess I will face all that.

Thank you for those who have commented recently and expressed concern. I do appreciate everything that people say. I just don't know what to reply. I care about all my readers and the blogs I follow, and I deeply appreciate the care of those who follow me. I am more honest here than ever in real life, so you know me better than many friends. I appreciate any encouragement or  shared experience you share. I love you all.

Tipsy phone calls

Today has been interesting.
Last night I slept with the light on because if the light was off, the darkness was swirling and reaching for me. That wasn't really conducive to sleep. I woke up late but decided it was OK to be late to a noon meeting. I got there around 12:20. My former sponsor(let's just call her J) actually got there soon after. She looked around for a seat and then sat by me. She made a few humorous remarks about people during the meeting.

At the end the chairperson asked if anyone wanted a desire chip. I raised my hand (I had been so anxious about if I could do it). At first he didn't see me but a couple people pointed me out. I took it and sat down. After the meeting a few spoke to me. My sponsor said she was proud and loved me then got dragged away to talk to someone. A few men gave me hugs. One woman talked longer about how she had relapsed a few months back and some other stuff I don't think fully processed.

Since J was busy. I left.. and cried in my car. Then I went to get lunch. I got a strange text from her about me getting a chip and not getting to ask me. I don't know if it was a group text or not to me or I just was meant to understand it. After I finished lunch, I called her.

I am terrible at phone calls. She asked me to tell about it, so I said it was a couple weeks. I said how much. I talked about the tremors and hallucinations. She seemed to get it. I even described the words moving on screens. She was very understanding. I said I still had alcohol at home, and she said I could call her when I poured it out.

I went to work and was ok for a few hours. Then words started wiggling around on my monitor. I texted J about that and she said to have water and sugar. She was impressed that I was eating skittles and had not had an energy drink or diet pill (well she said Wow which I think meant impressed). I texted B about wanting to leave and buy vodka. I called her briefly. She was very much focused on we will love you when you are ready.. and I think there's some justified skepticism.

Because I did leave "to get a soda and maybe something to eat" from work. I had used google to find the closest liquor store. In less than 15 minutes I was there and back. I bought vodka that I left in my car and Coke Zero and Sunchips to take into work. Really convenient how many snacks this liquor store had.. made it possible to claim I went to the gas station.

I got home from work and things go weird. I walk into the bedroom and turn off the lights to see if the darkness is still moving. I decided I am not ready for hallucinating. I will try sobriety again, but this is fucked up. I drink 2 shots.

Then I did the following odd things. I called and left a voicemail for my psychiatrist saying I had tried not drinking and weird things were happening (I said maybe hallucinations but not). Is there anything he can prescribe or do to make this process safer. I don't know all of it, but it's probably a strange voicemail. But his office talks about outpatient detox on their website.. so maybe. Then I called and left a more normal message with a doctor closer to where I live requesting an appointment. The one I wanted never returned my call, so I will try someone new.

Little scared current doctor will hear that and suggest hospital
Feeling bad that I am drinking the alcohol I should be pouring out. I intend to get sober but I want to know if anyone can help me because sleeping in a bedroom where the darkness reaches for me is a new experience I do not feel comfortable with. I will try again tomorrow

Wish me luck (edited to add more)

Last night I finished the vodka I had in the apartment. I also bought some hard cider in case the vodka wasn't enough. It looks like I didn't open any of those. I really don't remember all of last night. Apparently I threw up in the bathroom sink.

Today I did not buy more. I can't keep up the way I've been going. I am not really sure I want sobriety. I don't want to shake all the time though.
I did take an Ativan before work to see if that would help. Small dose. I am worried about withdrawal. I have been nauseous all day. I don't know if it's related. Blood pressure was 139/93 when I got home, which is high but not terrible. I'll keep an eye on it.
New development.. when I stare at anything I read on my phone, the words kinda start moving around. Not sure what it's about.. might be withdrawal related or something unrelated. I think I should lay off reading for now.
And now I am definitely seeing weird shit. I went to bed and eventually turned out the lights. It's like there are shapes everywhere and the darkness is moving in coils all around.. pretty freaked out. Might be sleeping with the lights on

AA

I am writing this since I have gone on and on about things with my former sponsor in previous posts. I went to my usual women's meeting today. She was also there. She came in and hugged me and talked to me about some things with her kids. She showed me a photo relating to what she talked about. After the meeting I kinda bolted because I didn't want to talk to people. She said goodbye and it was good seeing me.

So she at least isn't avoiding me or wanting to have nothing to do with me. It was all casual and normal. I didn't behave so normally today. I didn't share in the meeting. The topic was mainly very happy and about how AA works and does great things in people's lives. If I shared, it would either be a lie about the program working or it would be depressing and the opposite of that topic. So I didn't share. Every time people asked how I was doing, I said I was OK. I don't know if everyone believed me.. my former sponsor's sponsor (or ex sponsor.. don't know) gave me an especially long hug after I said I was OK. That makes me think it's obvious I am not ok.

I left without asking about the meds my former sponsor has. I have decided that I won't bug her now because she hasn't returned them. I don't need them. I don't want her worrying that I will overdose if I have them. I will probably bring it up eventually, but for now I am not. I didn't tell her or anyone about relapsing or any of my current problems. I don't want her to feel responsible (and maybe she wouldn't) or worry. I also didn't want to stop today. I see no point in involving others in my pain if I am not going to do anything about it. I considered asking a woman about sponsoring me, but I decided to wait until I have stopped drinking. It would be awful to ask and then say my plan for the day was to drink.

I think my plan is that when I run out of vodka, I will not buy more. Today I was not ready to stop because I am afraid of what will happen. I am afraid of withdrawal. I am afraid to ask for help. I still know that I must stop. I still intend to. I also still worry about losing people and hurting people. Seeing my ex sponsor and seeing other people who I know care about me hurts. It hurts to see people who are sober and happy because I am neither. I do feel better after seeing my former sponsor and knowing a lot of my fears clearly aren't true. Even a short conversation and her encouraging me (through facial expressions) to share means she does still care some. I am the one distancing myself from everyone. I honestly was a bit suicidal today. I wanted to cut. I don't really know why. Instead, I am drinking.

I feel very worthless today. I feel more alone knowing people care.. I am not sure that makes any sense. I will try to make a meeting tomorrow. I will eventually talk to people about what is happening. Today I will drink.

Sick

So after today at work, I am thinking that the drinking needs to stop soon. I felt miserable today. Hands shaking, a few times felt like there was something on me (like imaginary bugs). I felt hot. It wasn't good. It's possible I am getting sick, but I don't think it's that. I think it's the alcohol. I was thankful to sit behind a computer where nobody can see my hands shaking. I did mention being shaky once as an explanation of why I couldn't drive to pick up food. I definitely didn't say why. I don't know that them finding out would jeopardize my job. I mean I am sober while I'm there, which is the problem, but it would be embarrassing to admit that I drink enough to cause withdrawals. That's not something normal people do.

I find it odd still that it's happening after just a couple weeks of drinking.. but I've been drinking a lot. It needs to stop. Tonight I am drinking because of how miserable I feel physically. I kinda want to plan out quitting.. either cutting back first to lessen the risks or maybe taking the Ativan I have. I know they give it for detox, but I don't know how much. I should research that. I also probably need to tell someone (probably from AA since they will understand what could happen) too because it is risky. The last time I quit, my blood pressure was scary high. I haven't had seizures but I do think I was seeing things sometimes. Every other time pretty much I detoxed inpatient with Librium and medical monitoring. I do NOT want to do that now. I used all my pto with the last inpatient stay, and I don't want to tell work. It's a lot more embarrassing to be an alcoholic than to be depressed in my opinion. I'm not sure why.

So I don't know. Maybe I'll stop tomorrow or maybe in a couple days. I know I need to, but I still don't know that I want to. Or maybe I want to. I can't tell. I do know that eventually people will notice, and that could be bad.

Since I've only been posting negative things lately. Here's a random kitten picture. She's gotten big 

Just like old times

So today is not a very good day. I think I'm starting to have withdrawal symptoms. Either that or my meds are really fucking with me.
It didn't start until afternoon, which was how things used to be. My hands are shaking. I feel out of it.. enough so to make driving a little hard. I'm having trouble focusing. I don't know if this is alcohol related, but I had tremors back before I got sober.
I saw my therapist today and talked a lot about the ex-sponsor stuff. She thinks I should tell her how things upset me. She also recommended Al Anon meetings. I'm considering it. I also saw my psychiatrist. I told him (and my therapist) about the drinking. He asked how much and looked a bit shocked when I told him 10-12 shots. I didn't mention that it is sometimes more.
It's still less than before, but it's bad. I really never drank with other people, so it is hard sometimes to know if my drinking is a lot. I know it's more than most, but I wonder if it's a lot for an alcoholic. I guess it doesn't matter. I need to get things under control if I'm having physical problems. Tremors are not good.

So it begins

I am trying to write more (if anyone is wondering) since I am not honest with other people. I don't want to keep everything inside.

So I was supposed to have an appointment Monday with a physician assistant at my doctor's office. When IP, the nurse practitioner changed the dose for my thyroid medication, but I only got a prescription fod 15 days, so I need my doctor to change my prescription. The appointment was at 9:45, and I set several alarms. I woke up at 9:30, and I didn't bother with trying to go. I don't really remember waking up to the alarms.

Instead, I ended up filling an old prescription for my medication. Technically, it is too high a dose, but I don't really care. I will make an appointment to go.. just couldn't call today because I didn't want to admit I overslept and was probably not sober enough to get up that early this morning. I ended up sleeping until noon at least.

I am not that bothered about my medication, but I am slightly bothered by missing the appointment. It doesn't bode well for everything else. I have had 14 shots tonight. I am obviously still coherent, but that doesn't mean I will remember this when I wake up in the morning.

I wondered tonight what it will take to make me choose to get sober again. Will it be gaining weight? Will it be tremors? I am unsure of how long I have until that starts. Will someone comment at work? Or will I actually want to stop drinking? I really don't know right now. I am functioning enough for now, but I do know that won't last. I definitely can't keep drinking in the mornings if I want to keep my job. I don't know when things will be so bad that withdrawals will start. I think it took a couple years, but it may be different now.

So one missed appointment has me thinking a lot. Also, my stomach is so bloated today, and it makes me worried about gaining back the weight I lost. Maybe that's enough motivation to quit. I don't know yet. But I am thinking more about reality and about what may happen if I keep going. I am not in denial about this. Alcohol nearly killed me before, so I know I cannot drink and be healthy.

Meetings and honesty

Today has been an interesting day. I managed to convince myself to go to the women's meeting. My ex sponsor was not there.. which was good in some ways (although I am convinced she is avoiding me). The topic was a reading from As Bill sees it and also became about resentment. Both are obviously relevant.

I didn't share much, but I did speak. I basically said I have been living in resentment. It alternates being towards someone else (my ex sponsor but I didn't say that) or myself.. because really part of my self hatred is resentment and anger over hurting people and relapse and not working the steps. I take seeing my part in what happened to an extreme.

Another woman asked if I would go with them to see a woman in a senior living community (let's call her A). A has COPD and can't get out much, so some women go there to visit and bring a meeting to her home. I have gone a few times. I ended up agreeing to go.

I didn't say much during the meeting at A's because I couldn't think what to say. On the drive there I did admit to a friend (let's call her B) that I had relapsed. After people left and it was B and A and me, I did talk. A brought up her problems with abandonment, so I shared about what happened with my sponsor. I did get the feeling when I shared that both of them think it wasn't all my fault. I admitted that it was very much involved in me ending up inpatient, but I didn't say that to many people because many people know who my sponsor was. I didn't want gossip or to affect how people see her, but I know I was much more suicidal after losing her. I do respect her decision, but I had expected her to leave and it happened. I blamed myself. Really, this is my perception. She said this was about her.

Then things got weird. B asked if we would be willing to go through the steps together. I didn't want to agree but A wanted me to. She said she needed me, and said she couldn't do it without me. I said ok because I didn't see a way to say no kindly. I didn't expect it to start today. They started talking about powerlessness and step 1. I eventually ended up crying and saying I couldn't do this today. It felt awful, but I didn't want to rush through the steps. They are both sober and have worked the steps before. I have gone through step 5 once but then began drinking. This time my sponsor started me at step 4 again before leaving. We didn't really do 1-3.

I don't know if I'm ready and willing. I don't think I should do the steps without a sponsor. I don't think I should rush into them. So I felt terrible but eventually they got the point. I think B felt bad for bringing it up, but she wasn't who pressured me. I don't want to be responsible for whether or not they do this. All I really wanted was to get back in time to go to the liquor store.

I have in my head a few people that I might ask to be my sponsor, but I don't know if I am ready. I fear that anyone else would leave me.. especially since I am drinking. I think I may tell A and B that I will work 1-3 with them, but I want 4&5 to be done with a sponsor. I don't think it's a good idea to do that with people I consider friends. I am too scared to change or lose the 1 person I trust as a friend. I don't want to end up alone.

It's been an emotional day. I was honest about some hard things. I did make it back in time to go to the liquor store, so I won't run out of vodka. I did admit about the relapse to one person, and I admitted how angry and hurt I am about what happened with my sponsor. I hadn't talked much about it except a little while inpatient. I also got to see that others don't consider it all my fault. I talked about being left in the middle of the 4th step, and I could tell A at least saw how bad that is.

Now I am home and drinking. My ex sponsor still hasn't returned my meds like she said she would. I have decided not to bug her about it because 1. I don't need them 2. I don't want her to worry about me having them or wanting them. I am trying to do what's best for her, and if she feels best not returning meds I don't need.. it's ok. I honestly probably shouldn't have them. If she wants to return them, I will take them and not bother her about why. I do hope that we could be friends again, but I think I'm a bad friend. I would rather not cause harm. I know how much pain my drinking caused people, so I am trying not to do that again. I think it's best to keep some distance from others right now. If I drink long enough, I may not be able to hide it. I'm already shaky (though that may also be stress).

I don't know.. it was a weird day.

Alcoholic bulimic

I am struggling with thinking that things are bad. I keep comparing myself now to myself at my worst. Compared to that, things are not bad.

Still.. things aren't good. I am doing things that were once unacceptable. I am drinking before work.. only 2 or 3 shots. It's only enough to be buzzed but not drunk. I am using an app on my phone to estimate my blood alcohol, and this helps this seem acceptable. I know that I once only considered drinking at night ok.

I also stopped purging for several days before I started drinking. I hated wasting money on binges. I hated what I was doing to my teeth. I never purged after taking my meds at night. Now, I am purging to prevent throwing up due to drinking. I start feeling nauseous, and it seems logical to purge rather than risking vomiting in bed or while blacked out. On a couple occasions, this happened after taking my meds. I just decide I am nauseous, so sticking my fingers down my throat is logical. Still.. this isn't good.

I know that drinking interferes with meds. Purging the meds makes that worse. I bought a B complex chewable vitamin today because I hope it will counteract the negative effects of alcohol. I wondered and looked online to see when alcohol withdrawal becomes a risk. I do remember what withdrawal was like. Drinking in the morning is a way to avoid some of the symptoms that I dealt with before, but drinking more also increases the risk.

I still haven't told anyone that I'm drinking. My ex sponsor hasn't returned the meds that she said she was unwilling to keep and that I asked her to return. I am wondering if she will be at the women's meeting tomorrow. I did think it was possible that she wouldn't return them. I also wondered if there would be a confrontation about wanting them back. I really don't care if I get them back. I just don't want them thrown away yet because I might end up on those dosages again, and it would save money to have those pills. I think that's logical when pills can be so expensive. I also know she answered that she was not willing to keep my meds, so I asked for her to return the meds she has. If she's not willing to keep my meds, why should she keep those? To me that's reasonable. I want her to have no responsibility, so if she wants to cut all ties, she can. I am willing to argue this if she brings it up, but I don't look forward to it. I am scared that she wants to cut ties and stop being friends. I am scared that I have lost all friends now, and to me that means death.

So I will see what happens. I am afraid that she won't be at the meeting tomorrow. I just want to know where I stand. I want her and my other friend to tell me if I have done something that they can't handle. I want to know if there's some condition to our friendship that I was not told and did not meet. I want to know if I'm alone. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe she is just busy. She hasn't returned the meds, and I am upset by that because she said she would. I think that's reasonable.

I am still not done drinking. I don't know what I want. I am enjoying not having to deal with reality. I am enjoying numbness and self destruction. I don't expect anyone to fix it. I don't know what will mean I am done. I don't know when it will interfere with life.

So I will update tomorrow. Maybe I still have friends. Maybe I am too far gone. Maybe I will have to argue about whether or not wanting my meds means I am suicidal. Maybe I will be honest about relapse, or I will keep that to myself for now. I will try to go to a meeting at least.

Thank you for the kind comments that I have had recently. I do appreciate everyone I know on blogger. I don't always reply, but I feel understood here.

Awkward

I had an odd experience today. I thought I would share.
For anyone who doesn't know, I work at a toxicology lab. They do drug testing, and I am an analyst (actually senior toxicologist is my title) who helps prepare reports that are sent to doctors. It's an odd job for an alcoholic to have, but I like it.

Well, they decided to start giving talks about toxicology topics that are meant as education. Today, I got to sit through a talk on alcohol metabolism. It was basically everything bad that alcohol does to the body, so I got to learn all the shit I am doing to myself.

Apparently, it affects a lot. It affects gluconeogenesis, which is the process that frees up glucose from stored glycogen. This causes hypoglycemia, which I've experienced. I used to get super sick if I didn't eat the morning after drinking, which I always assumed was blood sugar related. It affects ATP production, which causes all kinds of problems. It causes ketoacidosis which affects the ph of blood. It leads to malnutrition and poor absorption of vitamins. I know I eventually started losing weight for no reason when I was at my worst, and I know this is a problem. You gain weight initially because it also interferes with lipid production, but it fucks with your digestive tract and cellular respiration, which eventually can cause weight loss.

So yeah.. I got to sit through all of this knowing a lot from experience. I asked a question about Naltrexone and if she knew how that works. When she asked what I had read about it because she didn't know, I had to stop myself saying that I'd been prescribed it.. both as pills and the Vivitrol shot. Neither worked on me. She talked about Antabuse, which I haven't taken (Thank god), but I heard stories while in treatment. I didn't say that. 

One person at work knows I am a recovering alcoholic (and one other did before getting fired). I have always been scared about anyone knowing given the nature of the job. I don't know why I have a fear of them testing me (I'm also on medications we test for). I am afraid they wouldn't trust an alcoholic to make accurate reports, which makes no sense. A few know about my psychiatric problems now because I was in the hospital and because I warned them I was doing poorly. I do not want them to know I am drinking.

It was weird to hear all the ways I am fucking up my body. I know I don't care enough to stop, but I don't really care if I die. I had to stop myself commenting on what is considered normal drinking and when people were talking about hangovers. I decided it best not to comment. I have told several coworkers that I don't drink because of discussions about going out.  I have avoided a few events that involved alcohol because I was recovering then. I never cared when drinking that I was doing bad things to myself. I wanted (still do) to die.

I didn't go to a meeting today. I may not tomorrow. I will go Saturday. My ex sponsor is supposedly going to bring the meds she was keeping by my apartment this week. I may have put an empty vodka bottle in the trash in my living room, so it's visible from the door. I don't know why. I can't tell her I relapsed because I am afraid she will say she doesn't care. I am afraid I will lose friends over this or maybe lost her already. I guess it's a cry for help. I want to talk about it, but I will not call anyone. I really feel alone, but I would prefer not to hurt anyone else. I also didn't cover the cut healing on my wrist today, so I am pretty sure at least one person at work saw it. I know I need help, but I don't know what.
I'm rambling, so I will stop. I just thought it was a weird day.

Well..

My ex-sponsor responded to my text this morning that she isn't willing to keep my meds. I then asked for her to return the old meds she has since she doesn't want to keep the new ones. I feel like a pretty terrible person. I want to know why she said no, but I don't want to ask. I am a pretty awful friend, so she has every right. I doubted when she stopped being my sponsor that she really wants to be friends. I have caused her and others a lot of pain, and I asked too much. I don't know what to say now.

I haven't told anyone about the relapse. I went to a meeting, but I didn't share. I feel awful physically. My chest is still tight. I am really shaky. I don't know what this is, but I can't tell anyone.. well, I don't think I should. I don't want to drag people down with me.

I ended up drinking 8 shots last night.. then I was so nauseous that I purged before going to bed because I didn't want to throw up later. I bought a handle (1.75L) of vodka today for when I finish the current bottle. I don't want to stop now. I am unsure how long I will let this go on, but given how much I hate myself.. probably at least a few more days. I am feeling very alone and scared of losing the couple friends I have. I have isolated so much that everyone else is gone.

So that's my day. I'm working until 11 tonight, so I will be drinking late. I am debating going to meetings this week because I don't want to stop drinking, and I don't want to worry anyone. I know people will figure out that I relapsed at some point. I just worry that not going is going to make me crazier. I see no point if I'm just hurting my friends of being around people.

WTF is wrong with me?

I don't know what is going on tonight. I got off work early, and ever since I got home I have been so anxious that my chest hurts. I did buy vodka again. I haven't had any. Something is going on.. I've taken my blood pressure twice, and it's been high (first was like 140/98 and it's now 130ish/86). I am debating either drinking or actually taking an Ativan, but I am scared to take one. I texted my former sponsor asking if she was still willing to hold on to my meds, and it's been over an hour and no response. I can't drink if I am going to take them to her. I'm worried that she hasn't responded. I am half convinced that she's avoiding/ignoring me for some reason. I wouldn't exactly blame her since I have been so crazy lately. I don't know if my friend might have talked to her about the bottle of vodka and me having opened it. I am not a healthy person to be friends with. I just want her to care. I also really think that I need the meds out of my apartment (or at least the Ativan).

But I am fucking miserable tonight. I want this feeling in my chest to be gone. I don't want to feel panicky. I don't know what to do. I don't want to call anyone this late. I don't want to upset anyone. I really think I may drink soon and if she responds offer to bring the meds tomorrow. I am just tired of myself.

*edit* and I did it. 2 shots of vodka down. We will see how this goes. I like the burn in my throat. My chest feels a little better. I am going to get a bit of food in me before I have more.

The lesser evil

Well, the vodka is gone for now. I decided that I would go to AA today, and if I still wanted it tonight, I could have it. I ended up going to 2 speaker meetings.. and then I went home. I had the same argument, and I poured another shot. I put it so close to my mouth, and I couldn't make myself drink it. I couldn't do it. I wanted to, and I didn't want to.

I called a friend, and I talked to her. I explained the situation. I said that sobriety feels pointless because I am miserable. I said I didn't feel sober, and the time I have seems meaningless. I honestly wanted to drink and maybe get sober again.. and maybe I would do it right (didn't say that part). She talked to me, and then she came and got the vodka. I poured the shot down the sink again, and I let her dispose of the bottle because I couldn't.

I cried before she got there and after she left. I also cut my wrist again. Not as a suicidal thing.. just cutting. It isn't too deep, but it's enough to need something to hold it shut. I always think that bulimia and cutting are the more acceptable behaviors because it doesn't change my sobriety date. They don't seem to be killing me the way drinking was. Still, that logic is pretty fucked up. I almost feel like drinking would be better.

I told my friend that I would probably just buy another bottle of I got rid of what I had. I'm already planning when I can go to the liquor store tomorrow. Now that the alcohol is not in the apartment, I want it again.
I also keep telling myself that I have a way out now. I have the bottle of 30 Ativan. I am fairly certain that combining that with a decent amount of alcohol would kill me. I am not planning to do it, but I feel safer knowing I can.

I really feel fairly hopeless. I know now that I needed to be in the hospital longer. I don't intend to go back. I have no days off left, and I again am not convinced anyone can help. I know that I am not being honest with people. I was supposed to meet my former sponsor Friday to give her my new meds to keep. I never did (in part just because I didn't have time). I haven't said anything since then, and neither has she. I haven't looked for a new sponsor. I am almost certain that I am going to relapse soon, and I don't want to drag anyone else into it. I also feel like I am not able to work the steps or do the program correctly. I feel like another sponsor would leave me like the last one did. Why bother? I feel guilty calling my friend and I feel too guilty to call my former sponsor (who is still apparently my friend) because I should be talking to a sponsor about what's going on. I want to cut myself off to keep from hurting them more. I remember the pain that my drinking caused them, and I don't want to do that again.

So yeah.. I don't know what I want. I want to self destruct. I want to ask for help, but I don't know what could help. I am tired of hurting people.

The vodka bottle

I can't remember if I mentioned this before. Thursday I bought a bottle of vodka. That night I brought it into the apartment and put it in the freezer to get cold. Then I texted my ex-sponsor and another friend that I bought it, and I curled up in a chair and cried. My ex-sponsor texted me back asking if it was in my apartment or my car. She then asked me to put it back in my car, which I did. The other friend texted the next morning about it.. she basically said it was like having a loaded gun in my car. I saw her at a meeting yesterday, and she asked if I was ready to get rid of it, and I said no. I felt bad about that, but I didn't want to get rid of it. It sat in the car while I was at work. Then when I got home, I brought it inside and put it in the freezer again.

I told myself that I couldn't drink it then because I needed to be up early. Today, I told myself it would be waiting when I got home. It was.

I took it out of the freezer and stared at it. I debated in my head about drinking. I told myself that I didn't care about my sobriety. I can get sober again. I told myself that I don't care what happens to me. I poured myself a shot and picked it up. I also thought that if I really wanted to take the shot, it wouldn't be such a debate.

I finally decided that I am exhausted, so I should just go to bed. I wouldn't enjoy it. I probably wouldn't feel that drunk if I was already so tired. I poured the shot down the sink, and the bottle is back in the freezer. I will probably repeat the argument tomorrow, so we will see then which argument wins.

Truths

Last night I was quite happy to sleep in my own bed again (and the cats were happy as well). I got to take a proper shower in a bathroom with a door (the hospital only had curtains and not doors on the bathrooms)

I was not as happy to see that my head is still not in a great place. I picked up my prescriptions before going home and also binge food. I am less concerned about binging than some things I did with the meds. I had told my friends that I would ask the doctor not to give me a prescription for the Ativan since I don't trust myself with benzos. Well, I forgot. I told myself I wouldn't fill it. Well, I did. So I now have 30 days worth at home, and I intend not to tell my ex-sponsor about them. I had discussed with her not giving her the new meds because I only got 2 week's worth of some.. though oddly I have 30 days of seroquel.. not sure what the doctor was thinking when he wrote those prescriptions because the numbers make no sense. Anyway, she wasn't convinced. I am supposed to meet up with her today to give her the meds, and this week she is keeping them.

The thing is that I still had 5 days worth of my old meds at home since I went in on a Monday. I decided to transfer those to an empty pill bottle to keep rather than throwing them out since they're the wrong dosages. I am wondering if she will realize I should have extra pills. If she doesn't, I will keep them. If she does, I will either lie about throwing them out, or I will have to admit keeping them... which might not go well. Because if I'm claiming not to be suicidal anymore, stashing them would make no sense. I'm honestly still suicidal. It isn't as bad as before, but I know the thoughts are there. I searched online this morning to see if I could find out what a dangerous overdose on Ativan would be. I also still debated cutting my wrist again.. the other cuts have healed. I ended up only cutting my leg and only taking my prescribed meds.

So I know the suicidal thoughts never stopped, and I probably lied when I told the doctor I was ready to go home. I just didn't want to stay in the hospital hoping they would stop. I was not convinced they would. I was also just worried that work would not be happy if I was gone longer. I was scared to ask. I used all my paid time off and was gone more than that. Now I just worry I will be back inpatient soon, and they will be more upset by that.

So that's my honesty for the day. I don't really know how I'm doing. I don't really want to be honest in real life since I don't want to hurt anyone. I am also still considering buying vodka.. not to kill myself. I just want to get drunk. I don't have a sponsor now, and I am not sure I care about sobriety anymore. I can start over, or I can just drink myself to death. I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore.

Free again

I was discharged today after 9 days inpatient. I have mixed feelings about the whole stay. I went in feeling absolutely hopeless and while I didn't try to kill myself, I had a feeling I only had a couple days left before I would.
The staff were very nice, and I liked my doctor. He changed my meds.. took me off the lamictal and topamax. He said he didn't know why I was on lamictal if I was diagnosed with depression and not bipolar since it hasn't been shown to help with depression. He added Lithium (mood stabilizer) and had me on Ativan (lorazepam) for anxiety. Also he increased my seroquel to help me sleep.
I was less fond of my therapist.. generally she just didn't have any helpful feedback in group. Then yesterday I said something about having thoughts about drinking, and her response was "Well, isn't that better than thinking about suicide?". I tried to explain that it isn't since for me drinking=death, and so it's pretty much the same.
The suicidal thoughts are better.. there were a few rough nights of debating if I could kill myself there. Could I suffocate myself with the blankets on my bed (I decided that wouldn't work).. could I tear the sheets up and make something like a rope, but it wasn't going to be easy to tear them. Other times I thought about what I could do when I got home. It was weird because I wasn't afraid of the thoughts anymore. I wonder if it means that I got worse.
So I'm home now (well currently hanging out at my ex-sponsor's house). I am already having some bad thoughts.. wanting to drink or stash pills. I'm hoping these will go away. Maybe the lithium will start helping. Maybe I'll just end up back inpatient soon. I'm not sure I care what happens. I'm not very hopeful still.
So that's all I have to say for now. I will write more later.