I don't know what is going on tonight. I got off work early, and ever since I got home I have been so anxious that my chest hurts. I did buy vodka again. I haven't had any. Something is going on.. I've taken my blood pressure twice, and it's been high (first was like 140/98 and it's now 130ish/86). I am debating either drinking or actually taking an Ativan, but I am scared to take one. I texted my former sponsor asking if she was still willing to hold on to my meds, and it's been over an hour and no response. I can't drink if I am going to take them to her. I'm worried that she hasn't responded. I am half convinced that she's avoiding/ignoring me for some reason. I wouldn't exactly blame her since I have been so crazy lately. I don't know if my friend might have talked to her about the bottle of vodka and me having opened it. I am not a healthy person to be friends with. I just want her to care. I also really think that I need the meds out of my apartment (or at least the Ativan).
But I am fucking miserable tonight. I want this feeling in my chest to be gone. I don't want to feel panicky. I don't know what to do. I don't want to call anyone this late. I don't want to upset anyone. I really think I may drink soon and if she responds offer to bring the meds tomorrow. I am just tired of myself.
*edit* and I did it. 2 shots of vodka down. We will see how this goes. I like the burn in my throat. My chest feels a little better. I am going to get a bit of food in me before I have more.
Oh no baby what a terrible feeling. Be honest at your meetings and tell people you need numbers and a sponsor. teo shots of vodka happened. Now you move on and get that booze out of your house. Sending you love and light to get through this.
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