Awkward

I had an odd experience today. I thought I would share.
For anyone who doesn't know, I work at a toxicology lab. They do drug testing, and I am an analyst (actually senior toxicologist is my title) who helps prepare reports that are sent to doctors. It's an odd job for an alcoholic to have, but I like it.

Well, they decided to start giving talks about toxicology topics that are meant as education. Today, I got to sit through a talk on alcohol metabolism. It was basically everything bad that alcohol does to the body, so I got to learn all the shit I am doing to myself.

Apparently, it affects a lot. It affects gluconeogenesis, which is the process that frees up glucose from stored glycogen. This causes hypoglycemia, which I've experienced. I used to get super sick if I didn't eat the morning after drinking, which I always assumed was blood sugar related. It affects ATP production, which causes all kinds of problems. It causes ketoacidosis which affects the ph of blood. It leads to malnutrition and poor absorption of vitamins. I know I eventually started losing weight for no reason when I was at my worst, and I know this is a problem. You gain weight initially because it also interferes with lipid production, but it fucks with your digestive tract and cellular respiration, which eventually can cause weight loss.

So yeah.. I got to sit through all of this knowing a lot from experience. I asked a question about Naltrexone and if she knew how that works. When she asked what I had read about it because she didn't know, I had to stop myself saying that I'd been prescribed it.. both as pills and the Vivitrol shot. Neither worked on me. She talked about Antabuse, which I haven't taken (Thank god), but I heard stories while in treatment. I didn't say that. 

One person at work knows I am a recovering alcoholic (and one other did before getting fired). I have always been scared about anyone knowing given the nature of the job. I don't know why I have a fear of them testing me (I'm also on medications we test for). I am afraid they wouldn't trust an alcoholic to make accurate reports, which makes no sense. A few know about my psychiatric problems now because I was in the hospital and because I warned them I was doing poorly. I do not want them to know I am drinking.

It was weird to hear all the ways I am fucking up my body. I know I don't care enough to stop, but I don't really care if I die. I had to stop myself commenting on what is considered normal drinking and when people were talking about hangovers. I decided it best not to comment. I have told several coworkers that I don't drink because of discussions about going out.  I have avoided a few events that involved alcohol because I was recovering then. I never cared when drinking that I was doing bad things to myself. I wanted (still do) to die.

I didn't go to a meeting today. I may not tomorrow. I will go Saturday. My ex sponsor is supposedly going to bring the meds she was keeping by my apartment this week. I may have put an empty vodka bottle in the trash in my living room, so it's visible from the door. I don't know why. I can't tell her I relapsed because I am afraid she will say she doesn't care. I am afraid I will lose friends over this or maybe lost her already. I guess it's a cry for help. I want to talk about it, but I will not call anyone. I really feel alone, but I would prefer not to hurt anyone else. I also didn't cover the cut healing on my wrist today, so I am pretty sure at least one person at work saw it. I know I need help, but I don't know what.
I'm rambling, so I will stop. I just thought it was a weird day.