Bugs..

Weird title.. I know.
Today was rough. I drank last night (and dyed my hair) and am not sure how much. I think I blacked out. I actually wrote a post that I don't remember last night, but I deleted it rather than reading it. It disturbs me to have evidence of things I did while intoxicated but don't remember.

I woke up and finally got up around 1pm. I didn't drink. I went to work at 3. It became obvious at work that I wasn't well. I felt kinda dissociated. I mean I looked in the mirror and it was like looking at a photo of a person.. not a reflection of myself. I looked down a few times and thought my skin was the wrong color. I felt warm when everyone claimed the room was cold.

At first I took 1/2 of an Ativan.. then my shaking got worse and the weird distant feeling got worse, so I took another 1mg. I managed to get through OK.

Driving home things seemed odd. Lights in the rear view mirror were a strange color. Headlights were too bright. I stopped and bought drinks (chasers) and nail polish.. not related to drinking. I got home safely.

Drinking has been tough because of how nauseous I felt all day. I was scared that I would puke when I took a shot. I think I managed 6 before pouring the rest down the drain. I'm admittedly still drinking a hard cider.. but the vodka is gone. I am hanging out with B tomorrow, so hopefully I won't buy more.

The bugs thing.. I decided to clean litter boxes tonight before I started drinking. It seriously looked like things were moving. Like worms or something. I mean even the clean litter I added seemed to be moving. Hallucination is fun.. not. I think that's why I poured the vodka out. I was semi-ok with tremors, but I can't handle having to debate if what I am seeing is reality
So tomorrow I intend not to drink. We'll see how that goes. I plan to be honest with B when we hang out..about the slip. I will probably have to take the Ativan tomorrow. I hope it's not too bad.