Small successes

I don't have a lot today, but I have a few small accomplishments to share. I left a few (drunken) voicemails last night. I called my current psychiatrist to ask about detox problems and the hallucinations. He called this morning and I answered. He said something about now having much experience or something with hallucination, but he has good luck with detox and Gabapentin/Neurontin. So he called that in, and I picked up the pills in the afternoon. It was a big accomplishment to tell him the problem and ask for help. I don't know if the Gabapentin will help, but I will try it. I also left a voicemail with a new psychiatrist's office to get an appointment. I was at work when they called back, but I answered. I now have an appointment in 3 weeks with a new doctor. I picked a random one my insurance covers.. he lists mood disorders and chemical dependency as specialties. He seems to work primarily with adults, which is good. I texted J and she replied with a happy face and some small message. I texted B and also told her about texting my current psychiatrist. She seemed happy about that. I am also hoping to get some therapist recommendations from this new doctor's office. I said that to B. My current therapist.. I like and care about, but I am not making progress. I can't justify driving that far to see someone I disagree with about my problems. She is so fixated on me having OCD, and I do not agree with her about that being my original problem. I also don't think she has any solutions. So I am hoping to find someone else.. but a new psychiatrist is the priority.

All of this thinking left me stressed and obsessing. Work was interesting. I have been there long enough that everyone asks my opinion. We also have a trainee who sits by me. I am unsure of the trainee at this point.. so I finally told my supervisor that. She is smart, but they didn't train her enough. The rest ask me questions and it adds a lot of stress and responsibility to  my job. I do my best to help, but I do resent the responsibility sometimes.  Today was just busy and scattered and by the end I was so out of sorts. I told a couple people I really wanted to set reports on fire.. this is joking, but that's where my head was. I am grateful tomorrow is my day off.

So I have had a few accomplishments, but today I drank. I plan to stop tomorrow. I just couldn't do the hallucinations. Hopefully between the Gabapenting and Lorazepam, I can manage to handle it... and maybe I'll just sleep with the lights on. I need to stop drinking. I also want to start cutting.. and hopefully I won't . All my problems are so intertwined. Bulimia, cutting, alcoholism are so wrapped up together. One replaces another. I don't want that to happen. I bought some new scrubs in a size small (my size mediums are rather loose), but it's motivation to focus on diet and my size. It's good motivation not to drink so many calories for sure.
That's all I have right now. My brain is scattered, and I am drunk. Tomorrow I hope to be sober and stay that way. I do not want to keep drinking. I honestly want to cut.. but that will accomplish nothing. Tomorrow I guess I will face all that.

Thank you for those who have commented recently and expressed concern. I do appreciate everything that people say. I just don't know what to reply. I care about all my readers and the blogs I follow, and I deeply appreciate the care of those who follow me. I am more honest here than ever in real life, so you know me better than many friends. I appreciate any encouragement or  shared experience you share. I love you all.