The lesser evil

Well, the vodka is gone for now. I decided that I would go to AA today, and if I still wanted it tonight, I could have it. I ended up going to 2 speaker meetings.. and then I went home. I had the same argument, and I poured another shot. I put it so close to my mouth, and I couldn't make myself drink it. I couldn't do it. I wanted to, and I didn't want to.

I called a friend, and I talked to her. I explained the situation. I said that sobriety feels pointless because I am miserable. I said I didn't feel sober, and the time I have seems meaningless. I honestly wanted to drink and maybe get sober again.. and maybe I would do it right (didn't say that part). She talked to me, and then she came and got the vodka. I poured the shot down the sink again, and I let her dispose of the bottle because I couldn't.

I cried before she got there and after she left. I also cut my wrist again. Not as a suicidal thing.. just cutting. It isn't too deep, but it's enough to need something to hold it shut. I always think that bulimia and cutting are the more acceptable behaviors because it doesn't change my sobriety date. They don't seem to be killing me the way drinking was. Still, that logic is pretty fucked up. I almost feel like drinking would be better.

I told my friend that I would probably just buy another bottle of I got rid of what I had. I'm already planning when I can go to the liquor store tomorrow. Now that the alcohol is not in the apartment, I want it again.
I also keep telling myself that I have a way out now. I have the bottle of 30 Ativan. I am fairly certain that combining that with a decent amount of alcohol would kill me. I am not planning to do it, but I feel safer knowing I can.

I really feel fairly hopeless. I know now that I needed to be in the hospital longer. I don't intend to go back. I have no days off left, and I again am not convinced anyone can help. I know that I am not being honest with people. I was supposed to meet my former sponsor Friday to give her my new meds to keep. I never did (in part just because I didn't have time). I haven't said anything since then, and neither has she. I haven't looked for a new sponsor. I am almost certain that I am going to relapse soon, and I don't want to drag anyone else into it. I also feel like I am not able to work the steps or do the program correctly. I feel like another sponsor would leave me like the last one did. Why bother? I feel guilty calling my friend and I feel too guilty to call my former sponsor (who is still apparently my friend) because I should be talking to a sponsor about what's going on. I want to cut myself off to keep from hurting them more. I remember the pain that my drinking caused them, and I don't want to do that again.

So yeah.. I don't know what I want. I want to self destruct. I want to ask for help, but I don't know what could help. I am tired of hurting people.