Alcoholic bulimic

I am struggling with thinking that things are bad. I keep comparing myself now to myself at my worst. Compared to that, things are not bad.

Still.. things aren't good. I am doing things that were once unacceptable. I am drinking before work.. only 2 or 3 shots. It's only enough to be buzzed but not drunk. I am using an app on my phone to estimate my blood alcohol, and this helps this seem acceptable. I know that I once only considered drinking at night ok.

I also stopped purging for several days before I started drinking. I hated wasting money on binges. I hated what I was doing to my teeth. I never purged after taking my meds at night. Now, I am purging to prevent throwing up due to drinking. I start feeling nauseous, and it seems logical to purge rather than risking vomiting in bed or while blacked out. On a couple occasions, this happened after taking my meds. I just decide I am nauseous, so sticking my fingers down my throat is logical. Still.. this isn't good.

I know that drinking interferes with meds. Purging the meds makes that worse. I bought a B complex chewable vitamin today because I hope it will counteract the negative effects of alcohol. I wondered and looked online to see when alcohol withdrawal becomes a risk. I do remember what withdrawal was like. Drinking in the morning is a way to avoid some of the symptoms that I dealt with before, but drinking more also increases the risk.

I still haven't told anyone that I'm drinking. My ex sponsor hasn't returned the meds that she said she was unwilling to keep and that I asked her to return. I am wondering if she will be at the women's meeting tomorrow. I did think it was possible that she wouldn't return them. I also wondered if there would be a confrontation about wanting them back. I really don't care if I get them back. I just don't want them thrown away yet because I might end up on those dosages again, and it would save money to have those pills. I think that's logical when pills can be so expensive. I also know she answered that she was not willing to keep my meds, so I asked for her to return the meds she has. If she's not willing to keep my meds, why should she keep those? To me that's reasonable. I want her to have no responsibility, so if she wants to cut all ties, she can. I am willing to argue this if she brings it up, but I don't look forward to it. I am scared that she wants to cut ties and stop being friends. I am scared that I have lost all friends now, and to me that means death.

So I will see what happens. I am afraid that she won't be at the meeting tomorrow. I just want to know where I stand. I want her and my other friend to tell me if I have done something that they can't handle. I want to know if there's some condition to our friendship that I was not told and did not meet. I want to know if I'm alone. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe she is just busy. She hasn't returned the meds, and I am upset by that because she said she would. I think that's reasonable.

I am still not done drinking. I don't know what I want. I am enjoying not having to deal with reality. I am enjoying numbness and self destruction. I don't expect anyone to fix it. I don't know what will mean I am done. I don't know when it will interfere with life.

So I will update tomorrow. Maybe I still have friends. Maybe I am too far gone. Maybe I will have to argue about whether or not wanting my meds means I am suicidal. Maybe I will be honest about relapse, or I will keep that to myself for now. I will try to go to a meeting at least.

Thank you for the kind comments that I have had recently. I do appreciate everyone I know on blogger. I don't always reply, but I feel understood here.