Truths

Last night I was quite happy to sleep in my own bed again (and the cats were happy as well). I got to take a proper shower in a bathroom with a door (the hospital only had curtains and not doors on the bathrooms)

I was not as happy to see that my head is still not in a great place. I picked up my prescriptions before going home and also binge food. I am less concerned about binging than some things I did with the meds. I had told my friends that I would ask the doctor not to give me a prescription for the Ativan since I don't trust myself with benzos. Well, I forgot. I told myself I wouldn't fill it. Well, I did. So I now have 30 days worth at home, and I intend not to tell my ex-sponsor about them. I had discussed with her not giving her the new meds because I only got 2 week's worth of some.. though oddly I have 30 days of seroquel.. not sure what the doctor was thinking when he wrote those prescriptions because the numbers make no sense. Anyway, she wasn't convinced. I am supposed to meet up with her today to give her the meds, and this week she is keeping them.

The thing is that I still had 5 days worth of my old meds at home since I went in on a Monday. I decided to transfer those to an empty pill bottle to keep rather than throwing them out since they're the wrong dosages. I am wondering if she will realize I should have extra pills. If she doesn't, I will keep them. If she does, I will either lie about throwing them out, or I will have to admit keeping them... which might not go well. Because if I'm claiming not to be suicidal anymore, stashing them would make no sense. I'm honestly still suicidal. It isn't as bad as before, but I know the thoughts are there. I searched online this morning to see if I could find out what a dangerous overdose on Ativan would be. I also still debated cutting my wrist again.. the other cuts have healed. I ended up only cutting my leg and only taking my prescribed meds.

So I know the suicidal thoughts never stopped, and I probably lied when I told the doctor I was ready to go home. I just didn't want to stay in the hospital hoping they would stop. I was not convinced they would. I was also just worried that work would not be happy if I was gone longer. I was scared to ask. I used all my paid time off and was gone more than that. Now I just worry I will be back inpatient soon, and they will be more upset by that.

So that's my honesty for the day. I don't really know how I'm doing. I don't really want to be honest in real life since I don't want to hurt anyone. I am also still considering buying vodka.. not to kill myself. I just want to get drunk. I don't have a sponsor now, and I am not sure I care about sobriety anymore. I can start over, or I can just drink myself to death. I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore.