Tipsy phone calls

Today has been interesting.
Last night I slept with the light on because if the light was off, the darkness was swirling and reaching for me. That wasn't really conducive to sleep. I woke up late but decided it was OK to be late to a noon meeting. I got there around 12:20. My former sponsor(let's just call her J) actually got there soon after. She looked around for a seat and then sat by me. She made a few humorous remarks about people during the meeting.

At the end the chairperson asked if anyone wanted a desire chip. I raised my hand (I had been so anxious about if I could do it). At first he didn't see me but a couple people pointed me out. I took it and sat down. After the meeting a few spoke to me. My sponsor said she was proud and loved me then got dragged away to talk to someone. A few men gave me hugs. One woman talked longer about how she had relapsed a few months back and some other stuff I don't think fully processed.

Since J was busy. I left.. and cried in my car. Then I went to get lunch. I got a strange text from her about me getting a chip and not getting to ask me. I don't know if it was a group text or not to me or I just was meant to understand it. After I finished lunch, I called her.

I am terrible at phone calls. She asked me to tell about it, so I said it was a couple weeks. I said how much. I talked about the tremors and hallucinations. She seemed to get it. I even described the words moving on screens. She was very understanding. I said I still had alcohol at home, and she said I could call her when I poured it out.

I went to work and was ok for a few hours. Then words started wiggling around on my monitor. I texted J about that and she said to have water and sugar. She was impressed that I was eating skittles and had not had an energy drink or diet pill (well she said Wow which I think meant impressed). I texted B about wanting to leave and buy vodka. I called her briefly. She was very much focused on we will love you when you are ready.. and I think there's some justified skepticism.

Because I did leave "to get a soda and maybe something to eat" from work. I had used google to find the closest liquor store. In less than 15 minutes I was there and back. I bought vodka that I left in my car and Coke Zero and Sunchips to take into work. Really convenient how many snacks this liquor store had.. made it possible to claim I went to the gas station.

I got home from work and things go weird. I walk into the bedroom and turn off the lights to see if the darkness is still moving. I decided I am not ready for hallucinating. I will try sobriety again, but this is fucked up. I drink 2 shots.

Then I did the following odd things. I called and left a voicemail for my psychiatrist saying I had tried not drinking and weird things were happening (I said maybe hallucinations but not). Is there anything he can prescribe or do to make this process safer. I don't know all of it, but it's probably a strange voicemail. But his office talks about outpatient detox on their website.. so maybe. Then I called and left a more normal message with a doctor closer to where I live requesting an appointment. The one I wanted never returned my call, so I will try someone new.

Little scared current doctor will hear that and suggest hospital
Feeling bad that I am drinking the alcohol I should be pouring out. I intend to get sober but I want to know if anyone can help me because sleeping in a bedroom where the darkness reaches for me is a new experience I do not feel comfortable with. I will try again tomorrow