Well..

My ex-sponsor responded to my text this morning that she isn't willing to keep my meds. I then asked for her to return the old meds she has since she doesn't want to keep the new ones. I feel like a pretty terrible person. I want to know why she said no, but I don't want to ask. I am a pretty awful friend, so she has every right. I doubted when she stopped being my sponsor that she really wants to be friends. I have caused her and others a lot of pain, and I asked too much. I don't know what to say now.

I haven't told anyone about the relapse. I went to a meeting, but I didn't share. I feel awful physically. My chest is still tight. I am really shaky. I don't know what this is, but I can't tell anyone.. well, I don't think I should. I don't want to drag people down with me.

I ended up drinking 8 shots last night.. then I was so nauseous that I purged before going to bed because I didn't want to throw up later. I bought a handle (1.75L) of vodka today for when I finish the current bottle. I don't want to stop now. I am unsure how long I will let this go on, but given how much I hate myself.. probably at least a few more days. I am feeling very alone and scared of losing the couple friends I have. I have isolated so much that everyone else is gone.

So that's my day. I'm working until 11 tonight, so I will be drinking late. I am debating going to meetings this week because I don't want to stop drinking, and I don't want to worry anyone. I know people will figure out that I relapsed at some point. I just worry that not going is going to make me crazier. I see no point if I'm just hurting my friends of being around people.