Free again

I was discharged today after 9 days inpatient. I have mixed feelings about the whole stay. I went in feeling absolutely hopeless and while I didn't try to kill myself, I had a feeling I only had a couple days left before I would.
The staff were very nice, and I liked my doctor. He changed my meds.. took me off the lamictal and topamax. He said he didn't know why I was on lamictal if I was diagnosed with depression and not bipolar since it hasn't been shown to help with depression. He added Lithium (mood stabilizer) and had me on Ativan (lorazepam) for anxiety. Also he increased my seroquel to help me sleep.
I was less fond of my therapist.. generally she just didn't have any helpful feedback in group. Then yesterday I said something about having thoughts about drinking, and her response was "Well, isn't that better than thinking about suicide?". I tried to explain that it isn't since for me drinking=death, and so it's pretty much the same.
The suicidal thoughts are better.. there were a few rough nights of debating if I could kill myself there. Could I suffocate myself with the blankets on my bed (I decided that wouldn't work).. could I tear the sheets up and make something like a rope, but it wasn't going to be easy to tear them. Other times I thought about what I could do when I got home. It was weird because I wasn't afraid of the thoughts anymore. I wonder if it means that I got worse.
So I'm home now (well currently hanging out at my ex-sponsor's house). I am already having some bad thoughts.. wanting to drink or stash pills. I'm hoping these will go away. Maybe the lithium will start helping. Maybe I'll just end up back inpatient soon. I'm not sure I care what happens. I'm not very hopeful still.
So that's all I have to say for now. I will write more later.