Meetings and honesty

Today has been an interesting day. I managed to convince myself to go to the women's meeting. My ex sponsor was not there.. which was good in some ways (although I am convinced she is avoiding me). The topic was a reading from As Bill sees it and also became about resentment. Both are obviously relevant.

I didn't share much, but I did speak. I basically said I have been living in resentment. It alternates being towards someone else (my ex sponsor but I didn't say that) or myself.. because really part of my self hatred is resentment and anger over hurting people and relapse and not working the steps. I take seeing my part in what happened to an extreme.

Another woman asked if I would go with them to see a woman in a senior living community (let's call her A). A has COPD and can't get out much, so some women go there to visit and bring a meeting to her home. I have gone a few times. I ended up agreeing to go.

I didn't say much during the meeting at A's because I couldn't think what to say. On the drive there I did admit to a friend (let's call her B) that I had relapsed. After people left and it was B and A and me, I did talk. A brought up her problems with abandonment, so I shared about what happened with my sponsor. I did get the feeling when I shared that both of them think it wasn't all my fault. I admitted that it was very much involved in me ending up inpatient, but I didn't say that to many people because many people know who my sponsor was. I didn't want gossip or to affect how people see her, but I know I was much more suicidal after losing her. I do respect her decision, but I had expected her to leave and it happened. I blamed myself. Really, this is my perception. She said this was about her.

Then things got weird. B asked if we would be willing to go through the steps together. I didn't want to agree but A wanted me to. She said she needed me, and said she couldn't do it without me. I said ok because I didn't see a way to say no kindly. I didn't expect it to start today. They started talking about powerlessness and step 1. I eventually ended up crying and saying I couldn't do this today. It felt awful, but I didn't want to rush through the steps. They are both sober and have worked the steps before. I have gone through step 5 once but then began drinking. This time my sponsor started me at step 4 again before leaving. We didn't really do 1-3.

I don't know if I'm ready and willing. I don't think I should do the steps without a sponsor. I don't think I should rush into them. So I felt terrible but eventually they got the point. I think B felt bad for bringing it up, but she wasn't who pressured me. I don't want to be responsible for whether or not they do this. All I really wanted was to get back in time to go to the liquor store.

I have in my head a few people that I might ask to be my sponsor, but I don't know if I am ready. I fear that anyone else would leave me.. especially since I am drinking. I think I may tell A and B that I will work 1-3 with them, but I want 4&5 to be done with a sponsor. I don't think it's a good idea to do that with people I consider friends. I am too scared to change or lose the 1 person I trust as a friend. I don't want to end up alone.

It's been an emotional day. I was honest about some hard things. I did make it back in time to go to the liquor store, so I won't run out of vodka. I did admit about the relapse to one person, and I admitted how angry and hurt I am about what happened with my sponsor. I hadn't talked much about it except a little while inpatient. I also got to see that others don't consider it all my fault. I talked about being left in the middle of the 4th step, and I could tell A at least saw how bad that is.

Now I am home and drinking. My ex sponsor still hasn't returned my meds like she said she would. I have decided not to bug her about it because 1. I don't need them 2. I don't want her to worry about me having them or wanting them. I am trying to do what's best for her, and if she feels best not returning meds I don't need.. it's ok. I honestly probably shouldn't have them. If she wants to return them, I will take them and not bother her about why. I do hope that we could be friends again, but I think I'm a bad friend. I would rather not cause harm. I know how much pain my drinking caused people, so I am trying not to do that again. I think it's best to keep some distance from others right now. If I drink long enough, I may not be able to hide it. I'm already shaky (though that may also be stress).

I don't know.. it was a weird day.