Update

I feel like I should update. Things are.. something. I don't really know.

On Saturday, I asked a woman to be my sponsor. She said yes with the condition that sometimes she is busy and can't answer her phone. Honestly when I mentioned my social anxiety that is especially bad with phone calls, we decided this might be a good thing. She is a woman with years of sobriety (at least 10 but I can't remember now). She also has this calm attitude that I have always admired. My ex-sponsor and I have sat and talked to her because she works and has experience in mental health, so she understands my problems with depression that pre date my alcoholism.

I spent Saturday with my friend B. It was good until around 8:15 (liquor stores close at 9) at which point I kind of broke down. I mean hyperventilating and crying. I told her I wanted to go to the liquor store but didn't. I mostly felt like it would be horrible after spending the afternoon with her to leave suddenly to buy vodka. I got up and put on my shoes and then sat back down. She made me dinner. I eventually left and bought alcohol.  Beer and equivalent beverages are sold until midnight.. so I had a Reed's Wicked Apple and some Beer-a-Rita thing.

Sunday I chose not to go to church. I haven't been in months, and I haven't spoken to my friends who are the reason I began going to that church in weeks. I decided that Pascha was not the time to return to church. I need to go when it is less crowded and involved. I went to AA before work.

At some point at work we had nothing to do. I took that time to leave my sponsor a voicemail. Before work, I had gone to Walmart and spent a while staring at the beer and wine.. so I told her. I got off work early and went to the 6pm meeting. She called during the meeting, so I stepped out and called her back. Honestly, the meeting really upset me. It was a speaker meeting, and the man decided we should go around and give our sobriety dates and if we've worked the steps. This is really inappropriate in my mind. It is everyone's choice to share their sobriety date or share at all. I didn't want to share to everyone about my relapse. I ended up saying I was sober today and restarting the steps with a new sponsor. I don't know if that was vague enough or if everyone knows that meant I wasn't sober.

After that, I went to another meeting at a different group. I started crying during the meeting. The depression and shame was so bad. I drove to the grocery store after the meeting to buy alcohol. I thought about how my sponsor said earlier if I was going to drink, to call her first. I called her and apologized for calling. I explained about the depression and I did tell her about the meeting. She gave me the assignment of writing what I would say to someone else who had relapsed and was in my position. Then to say that script to myself. I did this.. I'm trying to be different now and do what I am told. I also ordered pizza and binged/purged. I also cut. I didn't tell anyone that.

Today.. I went to AA. I saw my ex-sponsor and gave her a gift I bought in January for her 3rd AA birthday. It didn't ship until sometime in February and then I was in the hospital. I explained this.  It was this sign that says "I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas than you". She loved it. That made me happy. I was worried for some reason that it would be awkward.

After the meeting, I went shopping. I went to TJ Maxx to look for something. I ended up buying sheets and a cat food bowl (they don't like to share). Then I went to the liquor store for vodka. Then I went to Walgreen's for soda to drink at work and bandaids for my wrist.
I did not call my sponsor. I didn't want to be talked out of buying the vodka. I didn't want to call and say that I was buying it and refusing to listen. I decided it was better to tell her later.

So I got off work early, and I am now drunk. I don't know why. I keep thinking that I am not ready to quit. I am not at bottom, or I am just not willing. I do think my depression is involved in that thought. I thought driving home that maybe I want to die. I just can't do it. I think that's true. I am not like I was before the hospital. I don't have it all planned out. I just don't really want to live. I don't know if I should tell my sponsor that. I don't know if she will overreact to that or the cutting. I am not willing to go inpatient again. I don't know. I will try to call tomorrow. I will eventually be honest. Tonight, I don't care. I just hope she won't fire me for not calling.