So it begins

I am trying to write more (if anyone is wondering) since I am not honest with other people. I don't want to keep everything inside.

So I was supposed to have an appointment Monday with a physician assistant at my doctor's office. When IP, the nurse practitioner changed the dose for my thyroid medication, but I only got a prescription fod 15 days, so I need my doctor to change my prescription. The appointment was at 9:45, and I set several alarms. I woke up at 9:30, and I didn't bother with trying to go. I don't really remember waking up to the alarms.

Instead, I ended up filling an old prescription for my medication. Technically, it is too high a dose, but I don't really care. I will make an appointment to go.. just couldn't call today because I didn't want to admit I overslept and was probably not sober enough to get up that early this morning. I ended up sleeping until noon at least.

I am not that bothered about my medication, but I am slightly bothered by missing the appointment. It doesn't bode well for everything else. I have had 14 shots tonight. I am obviously still coherent, but that doesn't mean I will remember this when I wake up in the morning.

I wondered tonight what it will take to make me choose to get sober again. Will it be gaining weight? Will it be tremors? I am unsure of how long I have until that starts. Will someone comment at work? Or will I actually want to stop drinking? I really don't know right now. I am functioning enough for now, but I do know that won't last. I definitely can't keep drinking in the mornings if I want to keep my job. I don't know when things will be so bad that withdrawals will start. I think it took a couple years, but it may be different now.

So one missed appointment has me thinking a lot. Also, my stomach is so bloated today, and it makes me worried about gaining back the weight I lost. Maybe that's enough motivation to quit. I don't know yet. But I am thinking more about reality and about what may happen if I keep going. I am not in denial about this. Alcohol nearly killed me before, so I know I cannot drink and be healthy.