Sick

So after today at work, I am thinking that the drinking needs to stop soon. I felt miserable today. Hands shaking, a few times felt like there was something on me (like imaginary bugs). I felt hot. It wasn't good. It's possible I am getting sick, but I don't think it's that. I think it's the alcohol. I was thankful to sit behind a computer where nobody can see my hands shaking. I did mention being shaky once as an explanation of why I couldn't drive to pick up food. I definitely didn't say why. I don't know that them finding out would jeopardize my job. I mean I am sober while I'm there, which is the problem, but it would be embarrassing to admit that I drink enough to cause withdrawals. That's not something normal people do.

I find it odd still that it's happening after just a couple weeks of drinking.. but I've been drinking a lot. It needs to stop. Tonight I am drinking because of how miserable I feel physically. I kinda want to plan out quitting.. either cutting back first to lessen the risks or maybe taking the Ativan I have. I know they give it for detox, but I don't know how much. I should research that. I also probably need to tell someone (probably from AA since they will understand what could happen) too because it is risky. The last time I quit, my blood pressure was scary high. I haven't had seizures but I do think I was seeing things sometimes. Every other time pretty much I detoxed inpatient with Librium and medical monitoring. I do NOT want to do that now. I used all my pto with the last inpatient stay, and I don't want to tell work. It's a lot more embarrassing to be an alcoholic than to be depressed in my opinion. I'm not sure why.

So I don't know. Maybe I'll stop tomorrow or maybe in a couple days. I know I need to, but I still don't know that I want to. Or maybe I want to. I can't tell. I do know that eventually people will notice, and that could be bad.

Since I've only been posting negative things lately. Here's a random kitten picture. She's gotten big