AA

I am writing this since I have gone on and on about things with my former sponsor in previous posts. I went to my usual women's meeting today. She was also there. She came in and hugged me and talked to me about some things with her kids. She showed me a photo relating to what she talked about. After the meeting I kinda bolted because I didn't want to talk to people. She said goodbye and it was good seeing me.

So she at least isn't avoiding me or wanting to have nothing to do with me. It was all casual and normal. I didn't behave so normally today. I didn't share in the meeting. The topic was mainly very happy and about how AA works and does great things in people's lives. If I shared, it would either be a lie about the program working or it would be depressing and the opposite of that topic. So I didn't share. Every time people asked how I was doing, I said I was OK. I don't know if everyone believed me.. my former sponsor's sponsor (or ex sponsor.. don't know) gave me an especially long hug after I said I was OK. That makes me think it's obvious I am not ok.

I left without asking about the meds my former sponsor has. I have decided that I won't bug her now because she hasn't returned them. I don't need them. I don't want her worrying that I will overdose if I have them. I will probably bring it up eventually, but for now I am not. I didn't tell her or anyone about relapsing or any of my current problems. I don't want her to feel responsible (and maybe she wouldn't) or worry. I also didn't want to stop today. I see no point in involving others in my pain if I am not going to do anything about it. I considered asking a woman about sponsoring me, but I decided to wait until I have stopped drinking. It would be awful to ask and then say my plan for the day was to drink.

I think my plan is that when I run out of vodka, I will not buy more. Today I was not ready to stop because I am afraid of what will happen. I am afraid of withdrawal. I am afraid to ask for help. I still know that I must stop. I still intend to. I also still worry about losing people and hurting people. Seeing my ex sponsor and seeing other people who I know care about me hurts. It hurts to see people who are sober and happy because I am neither. I do feel better after seeing my former sponsor and knowing a lot of my fears clearly aren't true. Even a short conversation and her encouraging me (through facial expressions) to share means she does still care some. I am the one distancing myself from everyone. I honestly was a bit suicidal today. I wanted to cut. I don't really know why. Instead, I am drinking.

I feel very worthless today. I feel more alone knowing people care.. I am not sure that makes any sense. I will try to make a meeting tomorrow. I will eventually talk to people about what is happening. Today I will drink.