The vodka bottle

I can't remember if I mentioned this before. Thursday I bought a bottle of vodka. That night I brought it into the apartment and put it in the freezer to get cold. Then I texted my ex-sponsor and another friend that I bought it, and I curled up in a chair and cried. My ex-sponsor texted me back asking if it was in my apartment or my car. She then asked me to put it back in my car, which I did. The other friend texted the next morning about it.. she basically said it was like having a loaded gun in my car. I saw her at a meeting yesterday, and she asked if I was ready to get rid of it, and I said no. I felt bad about that, but I didn't want to get rid of it. It sat in the car while I was at work. Then when I got home, I brought it inside and put it in the freezer again.

I told myself that I couldn't drink it then because I needed to be up early. Today, I told myself it would be waiting when I got home. It was.

I took it out of the freezer and stared at it. I debated in my head about drinking. I told myself that I didn't care about my sobriety. I can get sober again. I told myself that I don't care what happens to me. I poured myself a shot and picked it up. I also thought that if I really wanted to take the shot, it wouldn't be such a debate.

I finally decided that I am exhausted, so I should just go to bed. I wouldn't enjoy it. I probably wouldn't feel that drunk if I was already so tired. I poured the shot down the sink, and the bottle is back in the freezer. I will probably repeat the argument tomorrow, so we will see then which argument wins.