The same or worse

After 2 days without facing coworkers, I had to go to work today. I had to wake up early enough to go to the liquor store first. I also got lunch. I have been terrible the past few days and eaten meat. I don't even know what happened. I am definitely not going to keep doing it because I kinda hate myself.
I got to work and being a moron, I cut myself while sitting in the parking lot. I of course managed to do it in a spot that my scrubs don't always cover (depending on how I hold my arm). So I sometimes tried to hide it, but probably not well. My supervisor asked how I have been doing, and I said about the same. In all honesty, I am worse, but I didn't say that. I am definitely more suicidal. I never really admitted to how self destructive I am. I almost wanted to tell him, but he asked while in a room with other people. I also am not 100% sure I can trust him not to tell after he told people about the stitches. I trust the manager more.

I also was a bit upset because I posted on this one message board (no, I am not going to say what website) about the problem I am having with hypoglycemia if I don't eat before work. Well, the replies were not what I wanted. One was basically that I have to quit drinking and not make excuses or try to fix things caused by the alcoholism. Hypoglycemia is a consequence of drinking because alcohol interferes with gluconeogenesis or the body releasing stored glucose. I said that in the post. The second person basically said I need to go to rehab because detox can be fatal and I can't do anything about the medical consequences when things are this bad. I know that. I just didn't need to hear it. I was reading this at work and hating myself and the situation I am in.

Otherwise, work was ok. I wanted to snap at the trainee at least once, but I didn't. There were no plates because yesterday was a holiday. We spent 6 hours on a stupid, boring project that I can't really explain. My supervisor let us leave early. Now I am home and drinking. I am still thinking about everything. I really am not sure about getting detox meds from my psychiatrist. I really wish I could go inpatient, but I just can't imagine asking. I don't know if work would respond well. I don't know if I could face them after. I have worked there long enough (I think) for FMLA, but I still don't want to admit to all of this and try to find out.

Alone

I don't have a lot to say today, but I feel like writing. Today at work was excellent. This is largely because it involved maybe 2-3 minutes of social interaction and 2.5 hours of working alone. It's definitely obvious that the work itself causes very little stress. People on the other hand...

The new schedule has me as the only analyst on Sunday because there is almost no work. I gather and close the last few reruns. That involved about a minute talking to one of the lab techs. She's nice but super outgoing and cheerful, so I tend to avoid talking to her. This might have meant taking alternate routes between rooms to avoid walking past her. Then I had a small conversation with the medical director whose desk is next to mine. I honestly enjoy talking to him (at least the conversations I understand) because he doesn't talk to everyone. I feel more valued when he talks about important lab stuff with me because he clearly thinks I'm smart enough to understand. That isn't always true, so sometimes I just nod and smile. He also doesn't (as far as I know) know anything about my personal problems, which is nice. Today it was about how we should track reconfirmations because we could create a faster way to run them. Honestly, we have discussed this before, and it never happened.. so I mostly agreed and then he left. I don't think this will ever happen, but it was nice talking to him.

I finished reruns and spent a while working on a list of unclosed cases from yesterday. I did text my supervisor because I am fairly certain the cases were sent to someone else to close, but I had no way of knowing who or when they might do them. I asked if I should wait or just do them, and he said to close them. I hoped that was the answer but I know I always hated when I sent cases to someone (it's a requirement for quality control) and got a reply that they were already closed when the person saw them. Anyway, I finished that in a couple hours with minimal trouble. It was so nice working in an empty room. Nobody asking anything. Nobody looking at me.

I finished and went to Target. I made strange grocery purchases.. nothing sounded good. Ended up with frozen mini pizzas, frozen pretzel bites, french fried onions, triscuits, chocolate, and cheese. Not the healthiest. Now I am home watching Friends with the kitten. I've had 6 shots of vodka. I managed to wait until after 5 to start drinking at least.

Neighbors

Sorry if I have ranted about this before, but I don't think I have. I have these new(?) neighbors that I really dislike. I am honestly not sure exactly when they moved in. The thing with my apartment is that you cannot really hear anything from inside the apartment next to it, but you can hear anything from outside the front door. This isn't that important normally, and I was always reassured that I couldn't hear my neighbor's apartment. Occasionally, I got to hear some interesting things from my living room because the chair I sit in is right by the window. Like I am pretty sure the guy across from me got kicked out (I had taken the trash out and a guy had pointed out a bag of stuff that someone left outside and asked jokingly if I did that) and I am pretty sure I heard him offer someone drugs in exchange for a ride.

These new people however smoke outside their apartment frequently. This means I am often watching TV at night and can hear them talking outside. It makes me feel very exposed. I don't like thinking that they can probably hear me or rather my TV since I am not talking. It makes it feel like someone is in the room. I know this is paranoia or just my anxiety, but it seriously feels that way. Add to that the times someone is outside when I come home. I am paranoid about people seeing into my apartment because it's a bit of a mess. Then yesterday I got home and had to carry my laundry (clean) and also some groceries inside. This was probably something I should have made two trips with because the combination was rather heavy, and I was sober and therefore shaky. Well, I debated sitting in the car until they went inside, but that didn't seem practical. I stumbled up the stairs, and someone asked if I needed help. I said I was ok, which is not entirely true, but I was not going to ask a stranger to help. I had to set the hamper down a couple times and I think banged my arm on the railing because I have bruises and a scrape. So I got to be super embarrassed about someone seeing this.

So tonight they were out there talking, and Nermal was sitting anxiously watching from the window. That's the photo hopefully attached (the blogger app and my phone don't always get along).

I went to work today after the women's meeting. It was ok. My coworker was lead. I am not sure if she was told that or just knows because I told her that I am no longer lead. I should clarify that lead just means you are responsible of the notebooks that keep track of what the shift did and sending the email update about it after the shift. I come in an hour later than them because of AA and crying when I was given this new schedule. They don't know that because I just told her it was because of a schedule conflict. Only the manager knows I cried, and I didn't tell her what it was I do Saturday afternoon. She was happy to accommodate because I think she's worried about me. Anyway, it went ok. I occasionally butt heads with this coworker because she likes to be in control, but it works out well when she is in charge. I got to train her on something. I am supposed to work 3:30-10:30, but they left at 9 because all the samples were closed, and I left also. She said I could, and I am the only person who works Sunday, so it seems reasonable. I am honestly considering thanking the manager for not making me lead because it is less stress and I really don't admit to how much effect the work stress has on me. I know I lied about work being a contributing factor to what's going on and to things being worse now over the stress of knowing that they know what's going on. I am not sure I will actually tell her that. Thankfully, tomorrow I get to work alone, which is less stress.. although, I think she thought it would be more. I am only required to do 2 tasks, and then I can leave because nobody else works Sunday. As long as nothing weird happens, this should be simple. I am not sure what to do with the rest of the day. I am trying not to drink before 5-6pm, so I will have to kill a lot of time. This probably means shopping, and I do need groceries. I had an odd little conversation with my coworker about shopping and how she recently went with her husband. I said I basically live off 2 kinds of frozen meal (Amy's chili mac and Lean Cuisine tortellini). She had commented on most of their protein coming from beans (she's also vegetarian), and how mine must too. I said I have been eating protein bars and shakes because I have trouble with breakfast. I then had to stop myself from explaining this was 1 because of hangovers/alcohol making me feel sick and dislike food and 2 alcoholism induced hypoglycemia because there were other people around. I also couldn't say that the rest of my groceries are flavored water and vodka. She's the only one who knows about my drinking because I have known her long enough to feel safe telling her. It really is true.. I live off frozen meals, ProCrunch bars/protein drinks, and vodka. Pretty pathetic. Oh, and candy. Candy is another thing I can stomach when I am drunk or nauseous. That and sugar free (because ED logic) pudding. I'm rambling again, but I am trying to keep the alcoholism from becoming common knowledge at work.

And in terms of neighbors, I would really like to tell them to shut up because I can hear them now. I really miss only hearing the TV and the cats. Cats I like more than people. They can say whatever they want.

Not my biggest fan

I may add more to this after work, but I need to complain. I really am not happy with myself today.

Shortly after getting to work, the manager asked to talk to me, which I kinda panic anytime that happens. We went in the conference room. She asked what I think of my position as lead. I said I thought I was doing ok at it. Then she offered to give it to someone else because she doesn't want it to stress me out and cause anything to happen. She looked worried. I admitted that I would like that because I have been really stressed. She said it doesn't affect my position as senior toxicologist. It's basically out of concern for my health. I asked her if she had said anything to the boss and said I  would prefer nobody did. I said that I knew my supervisor had talked to both of them. She said she hadn't and wouldn't. She said my supervisor had pulled her aside but she didn't know what he said to the boss. She didn't say anything else about what he said. She just said she was here if I need her and to tell her if I do. I said I don't want anyone worried about me.

Afterwards, she talked to the other person who is taking over as shift lead, and I started hating myself more. I feel like I let people down. I really don't think being lead is good for me or them because I am very stressed. I do know I am not handling anxiety well. I didn't say that to her because I don't want to have to explain what I mean. I can't let anyone know I am cutting at work because they'll freak. I am wondering if this affects the schedule, but I didn't think to ask and don't know if my supervisor knows (or even if she discussed any of this with him). So I am just quietly hating myself. I really do want to talk to her about what's going on, but it is probably a bad idea. I already feel like the boss has been giving me weird looks when she greets me and asks how I am doing. I am guessing she knows I am lying when I say I'm fine. And I am. I hate this mess I've made.

**Adding a bit more. I survived the rest of my shift without cutting or crying. I asked my supervisor a few questions about me not being lead and the schedule. I thought about asking if he was OK with it, but I decided it's really not his business. I am feeling slightly more ok about this. I talked a little with another coworker and said I was not lead because the manager is worried about stress. I've told her about the drinking already, and she was supportive. She was nice about this and said my coworker will be a good lead because she's good at multitasking. I admittedly am not. I can do it but I do get anxious. That was true even before I relapsed. I also am not social and am terrified of having to call other departments. These days I even stress over my handwriting not being good enough or that maybe I shouldn't write in pencil since the other lead always writes in pen. I am great at answering questions and helping my coworkers. So anyway my coworker was nice. We talked some about the roles of the senior analysts. Then we bitched about the girl in training (that she's lazy and not learning and kinda rude). Then I went home.

Still obsessing over everything. Should I have told her more or that things are getting worse? Should I talk to her or the boss about the cutting or the stitches incident? I am still bothered about my supervisor telling them.  Now because he didn't even really know what happened. Also I would have liked to be given an opportunity to tell them or explain to him. He could have said that they needed to know or asked me about it first. I think this is all pretty awkward. I don't want to tell him more because I don't trust him to keep it to himself. The manager I trust because she asked me what was going on when she noticed things and was concerned. I think she notices when I am stressed. When I was made lead, she pulled me aside because I looked worried. When they changed the schedule, she knew I was upset (admittedly I cried) and tried to fix it. I have a feeling if I do need time off to get help, she would do anything possible to let that happen. I still feel guilty for being this crazy and telling her what's going on, but I think it would have hurt her more if I knew she was worried but didn't tell her. I am working on honesty but still probably shouldn't tell her about the self harm. Mainly because I am not really trying to stop and there's no way for her to help (though the lead thing probably will help a little). I don't think I should talk to the boss because I am afraid she will decide I am not fit to be working because I am kinda a mess. Honestly, I probably should go inpatient, but I really can't. I really probably shouldn't be working if I am carrying an Xacto knife in my purse to cut with. I had the thought yesterday that if I filled my prescriptions, I might have enough to OD, which is a pretty bad thought. I don't know. I'll stop rambling now.

Small accomplishment

So I finally called and made a psychiatrist appointment. It's not until June 9th, but I managed to actually call. I don't really know if I am going to ask about detox or make another appointment after that one to do it. All this shit at work helped me decide to call. Now I can say (if anyone acts concerned) that I have a psychiatrist appointment soon. I am still obsessing over if I should ask the manager if she told the boss about my drinking, or if I should just drop it since if she did the boss hasn't said anything to me. I really just want everything back to normal and nobody thinking about anything in my personal life, so I can stop feeling horribly guilty over all of this. I don't know that I regret telling her because I think that the way I am looking/acting was worrying her anyway, so pretending to be fine would not have worked. I regret the whole incident with the stitches because I really didn't intend to cut that deep, and I really would have preferred to be able to bandage it and keep it to myself because so far I have never actually discussed cutting with anyone at work. Although, I haven't gone to great lengths to hide it at times, but I don't know how much they noticed all the times I came to work with bandages on my wrist. I still haven't actually discussed it with anyone, but I can guess by his concern that my supervisor isn't stupid and probably assumed it was self inflicted. I don't want to talk about it because other than people who do cut or some mental health professionals, people tend to freak out about self harm. I know I should take it seriously, but after 14 years of doing it, I just don't. I know that saying that I have done this for 14 years and nearly half my life and that it's not a big deal is NOT going to worry anyone less. I can see myself saying it though, and that's part of why I don't want to talk about any of this with anyone. I know from when I worked at the bank that people take my behavior more seriously than I do. And at the time my behaviors were bad. I would self harm at work and leave razors in visible places in my purse. I on more than one occasion overdosed at work (diuretics or diet pills). I binged and purged and chew/spit during my lunch break. I think part of why I am upset now is that this very much reminds me of the bank and old patterns. Back then, coworkers would try to convince me to go to the hospital and they once called the employee assistance line and I had to convince that person that they were overreacting. I don't want that kind of thing to happen here. I don't want to know I am seriously worrying people that shouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing. So the best thing I can think to do is not talk about it at work. I don't know if they will ask. I will deal with that if it happens. I can try to behave at work and not let any self harm be visible. I guess the tremors I can't always hide, but I can try. That mostly means keeping my hands in my pockets whenever possible, and trying to hold things with both hands. Definitely not trying to pour from the kettle in front of anyone. I can try to smile, but that may not be successful. I have had a therapist say that smiling can improve my mood, but it can also make it worse. I worked a lot of years in retail and know that faking a smile doesn't make me any less miserable. I guess we will see. Maybe things will improve.. I am not at all hopeful anymore. I can at least try not to make it worse.

Paranoia

Work today wasn't very fun. I am feeling very guilty about people (supervisor, manager, and boss) knowing about what's going on and me getting stitches or me drinking. I really wanted to ask the manager if she has talked to the boss about my drinking, since the supervisor claims he won't. I didn't get the chance really, and now I don't work until Friday. I don't think she has, but I wanted to be certain and tell her I don't want her to say anything because I don't know what would happen. I also want to apologize for all of this, but I am also scared she will ask questions and make it worse. I mean my supervisor doesn't technically know what happened. I guess given the circumstances and the fact that I have gone to work with cuts and scars on my wrists.. or usually just bandages but that still is suspicious. I don't think he's stupid, so I am sure he would know that if I was that embarrassed about it, then it was probably self inflicted. I don't know exactly what he told them. I don't know if she has noticed scars before because she sees me less. I am going to assume that he either said or they all assumed it was self inflicted. But about the drinking, I worry telling her not to tell anyone will make her decide to. I told her not to before, and she still told my supervisor. I mostly just want to know. I am probably going to try to talk to her Friday. I am of course rehearsing in my head. I am rehearsing for if she asks about the stitches incident. I will probably just say it was self inflicted and worse than expected. I am rehearsing if she or anyone asks to see. I am thinking of saying that I think that would make the situation worse or worry her more. If she asks why, I can say that it isn't the only time I have done it. Or something else along those lines. Or just stick with it would worry her (but maybe saying that could worry her). I don't know. If I tell her, are they all going to discuss it? I want them not to worry. I feel like shit about myself. I know I looked miserable today. I also know I was shaking too badly to use the computer when I had to train the new girl. I couldn't seem to click in the right spot. Hopefully, she didn't notice. I kept my hands in my pockets the rest of the time. I also kept pacing while waiting for her to come back upstairs. I know that probably looked weird, but only my supervisor was there at the time. He knows I am prone to anxiety (so is he), so it probably doesn't matter. My other coworkers have commented in the past about it making them anxious. Honestly, I think my blood pressure was really high and I was hoping it would be better if I walked around. I get this feeling like my throat is closing up sometimes, and I don't know if it's anxiety or my blood pressure being high from withdrawal. I definitely can't tell anyone because they will worry. It does get better if I pace. I really just hate my life. I want to tell them all not to worry, but they probably should be worried. I am feeling more suicidal since all this happened. I am not planning anything, but I find myself thinking frequently that I hate my life and wish I was dead. I don't want them to know that. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to fix this. I can pretend I am not cutting since they can't see if I am lying, but I can't really hide the tremors and how unsteady I am when walking. I know that the only way to fix that is to stop drinking, but I am scared. I am scared to call my psychiatrist or stay at my friend's apartment. I am terrified to stop at home. It isn't just the hallucinations. I am scared that my blood pressure will get so high that I will have a stroke or something. I did manage to do it alone last time, but I don't know if I can do it again. Everything I read says it's hard to predict what will happen but the longer you drink, the higher the risk of DTs. Tonight I am drunk and don't want to decide. I wish, honestly, that I could go into the hospital to detox, but I am terrified to ask after being in the hospital less than 3 months ago. The company is also moving soon, and people aren't supposed to request time off. They would probably do it, but I don't want to ask. I don't want them to hate me. I also don't want to have to explain. I really do hate my life.

Work worries

I finally had a chance to talk to my supervisor after being paranoid all weekend about him telling me he talked to the boss about me. I waited until the daytime supervisor and manager left and then asked if I could talk to him. I seriously can't seem to make eye contact anymore, so I stared at the wall and asked what he told her. He said he told her about me getting stitches. He apologized, but I said multiple times that I wasn't upset and understood why he did it, which is true. I told him about the drinking and stuff, but I guess the manager told him. That bit I am a little upset about because I asked her not to tell anyone. I still feel better having told him myself because I don't know what she said, and I don't want him thinking I don't trust him. I asked if he thought I needed to tell the boss, and he said I probably shouldn't. There's a risk if she knows that she could make me take a leave of absence, which would not be good.

I asked him later over the instant messenger we used if he was going to tell the boss, and he promised not too. I asked if he thought the manager would, and he said no. I might still ask her tomorrow. I am not happy that they talked about me. I do understand everyone is just worried.

And if I didn't already seem paranoid, I asked him once everyone left if he told the manager about the stitches incident, and he said she knows. I asked her response and apparently she said it was worrying and the boss also said that (and that all he can do is be there if I need him). I apologized again and said I just like to know what people know about me. He's an anxious person, so I think he understands.

I left feeling pretty terrible about myself for worrying people. I really didn't want that to happen, but I understand their concern. I don't know what I can do to make them not worry. Well, I guess get sober and stop cutting. I didn't manage either of those things today. I actually cut at work for the first time. Obviously, not in front of anyone, but I was definitely a mess today. I don't know if I should talk to the manager tomorrow. I worry asking her not to tell the boss will make her more concerned and likely to tell. I think I should probably just go back to not telling them anything personal and hope they will worry less. I am not sure that would work. They might worry more if I show up to work shaking or with visible cuts and don't talk to anyone about it.

I still haven't called the psychiatrist. I panicked before work because I realized I needed to go to the liquor store before work. I rushed through showering and getting dressed to make sure I made it there and to work on time. Thankfully I managed. I ate a protein bar on my way, so I wouldn't have a repeat of Friday. At work I ended up eating an Uncrustable (currently one of my favorite foods) and half a veggie burger covered in mustard. I started eating and then lost my appetite. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I want to apologize for worrying people, but I am not sure it would help. I think I just need to leave it alone unless anyone asks. I've done enough damage.

A day off

So when they changed the schedule at work, my days off changed. I now have Monday off, and I am not sure it's a good thing. Before, I had Thursday off and I usually went to see my parents. Saturday mainly centered around AA and possibly hanging out with AA people. Mondays I don't have any plans, so it's just free time.

I ended up getting out of bed around 2pm, and I accomplished a few things. They are not that impressive unless you have serious social anxiety. I went to get my hair cut, which always involves awkward small talk. Then I went to Chik-fil-a and got fries and a coke zero. I have been too anxious to do this because I felt like they would judge me for being fat and ordering fries. I also went to Walmart, which was mostly because I was trying to stay busy, so I wouldn't start drinking early in the day.

I have been anxious since Friday about my supervisor saying he talked to the boss about me. I really want to ask what he said, but I didn't think it was appropriate to ask via text message and certainly was not going to call him. I have been rehearsing the conversation in my head over and over. I know I need to tell him what's going on, but I don't know exactly how much to say. I was planning on telling him that I would tell the boss if he thought I should (which he probably will) because I would rather she hear it from me. I have been debating what to say if anyone asks how much I am drinking. I don't know if it would be worse to tell the truth or tell them I would rather not say. I don't want to lie because I don't want them to think I am a dishonest person because at least at work I am not. The only lies I tell are if anyone says "how are you?" or a few times when my supervisor asked if I was upset with him.

Anyway, I am ready for it to be tomorrow, so I can get this over with. I briefly considered telling my supervisor and the boss at one time, but I don't think I could handle that. Plus, people would probably wonder why I needed to talk to both of them and gossip. At least if I do it separately, it's less noticeable. I am not planning on telling my other coworkers anything. I am a little worried that my supervisor will be more anxious if I tell him the truth, but he's already obviously worried.. so it probably doesn't matter.

I should probably just focus on today and myself. I have no control over other people.

Sick

Today has not been my best day. I woke up not feeling quite right or fully sober. I hoped it would pass before going to work. I couldn't decide about breakfast and settled on a sugar free pudding. I think that was the first mistake. For lunch I packed cheerios and candy. That was the second mistake.

I got to work and found out they made schedule changes. I heard first from a coworker and then later the manager pulled me aside. In the new schedule, I work Saturday. I might have cried a little. I finally asked to come in later so I can still go to the women's meeting. I didn't tell her that. I said I had something and that it's pretty much the only social thing I do, which is true. She agreed. She looked really concerned, but I was crying so it's pretty logical to be concerned.

After I started working, I started to feel nauseous. This used to happen a lot if I didn't eat when I woke up. I think it's hypoglycemia caused by the drinking. I tried eating cheerios and sipping water. I eventually decided to take Nauzene, which is an anti nausea medicine. Being a good alcoholic, I keep some in my lunch box. The thing is that there are 2 things that can happen when I take it. It could work or I can immediately vomit because of the taste. It has a really strong cherry flavor, which really isn't good when you're nauseous. Well, I took it (while standing in the bathroom to be safe). I felt better for a bit and then tried to eat a cookie. Then I felt nauseous again. This time I took the nauzene and immediately vomited. I was in the bathroom, thankfully, but it still splashed all over my pants and shoes. I mostly threw up water because I hadn't eaten much.

If it hadn't gotten on my clothes, I might have stayed because I felt better after, but I wasn't going to work covered (well not covered) in vomit. I asked my supervisor if I could leave and said I'd thrown up. He said yes. I cleaned up my desk and asked someone to finish my work because I wasn't feeling well and was going home. Then my supervisor pulled me into another room and said I could text him anytime if I needed something. He said he was worried. I said that the manager had talked to me. He said he had talked about it with the boss because he couldn't see things and say nothing and that they're all concerned. I am not particularly happy he talked to her, but I can't blame him. I didn't tell him any of what's going on other than that I am not doing very well. I feel like if I told him he might think that this was a hangover and that would be bad. I said I didn't eat enough today (which is really probably what happened) and apologized. He said it wasn't my fault. After that, I just grabbed my stuff and left before anyone could say anything or notice the vomit scrubs.

I am currently laying in bed with the cats because I can't face eating yet.. and honestly don't feel like dealing with life in general. I feel really guilty about leaving work and about how I am worrying everyone apparently. I don't know what to do about it. Thankfully I still have tomorrow off because the new schedule starts Monday. That gives me time to get the stitches removed, and it gives me time before I have to face anyone at work. I think I may tell my supervisor more of what's going on. I just couldn't today. Part of me worries that if the boss knows too, that there's going to end up being some kind of intervention, but that probably won't happen. I don't think I could handle talking about any of this if more than one of them was there. Nightmare. At least for the rest of the day, I only have to deal with cats. So much simpler than human beings.

*edit*  Well I have managed to eat 2 Popsicles, an apple sauce pouch, and a plate of leftover pasta. Honestly, the pasta kinda grossed me out, but I ate it because I need to buy groceries and this was the only thing I really have that would qualify as a meal. Now I'm in bed again debating if alcohol will make me puke. Not drinking is not really an option given how shaky I already am. Fuck my life

*editing again* Seriously fuck everything. Drank 2 shots mixed with powerade zero. Then finally tried taking a shot, then promptly walked to the bathroom and threw up everything until I was just dry heaving. Now I'm trying to finish a protein shake since if I go to bed with an empty stomach, this will probably happen again tomorrow. Then I am taking my last Ativan and my meds and going to bed because today needs to be over

Therapy

So I had therapy today. I again didn't bring the workbook she wants me to do because I had other stuff to discuss. I told her about getting stitches and the discussions with my supervisor (about the stitches) and manager (about everything). We talked about how this and more prove that people care about me. I used to think the manager didn't like me, but several recent conversations have proven otherwise.. and my ability to read people is not very accurate.

We discussed the future and my hopes for it. I said I didn't have any. She asked what I had hoped for my future when I was younger. I said that basically I assumed I would be dead. I said that I still don't see myself living to old age. I still expect to have killed myself. She was very concerned by this. I am not currently suicidal, but it came up because I am worried that if I get sober.. I will be. I always thought that I would kill myself before not graduating, and I feel like sober I would have time to think about this. Now I just drink away the worry about school.

She wants me to contact Dr H and say that without a schedule or deadline, I am not able to write. I say that right now even if my anxiety let me contact her, I am not capable of a schedule that involves more than drinking, sleeping, and work. I feel like I need to be sober before any school discussion happens because right now I am barely functioning. I still haven't called the psychiatrist because 1. I am terrified of phone calls (I made another doctors appointment strictly because I could do it online) and 2. I am not sure I can get sober now and know that he probably won't offer detox meds again. I really think I need inpatient where they can handle both detox and the resulting depression. I am scared I will detox now (involving a close friend) and relapse when I have to think about school and life. My friend can't and shouldn't have to deal with the emotional mess I think I will be when sober. I reminded my therapist that the most depressed and suicidal I have been recently was when I was completely sober. Right now I can shut my brain down with alcohol, and that's probably why I am not actively suicidal.

I left the appointment with no answers. She wants me to "let people in". I am trying but I don't want to hurt more people. When she asked how I felt about the conversations with people at work, my main feeling is that I hate hurting people. In general, I am not always honest because I know that the truth worries people and causes pain.

After therapy, I went to my parent's house and put on the happy face. I don't know if they have noticed any physical symptoms, but I don't discuss the drinking. This is largely because they don't understand and haven't really tried (they have been told about AlAnon)to understand alcoholism. When I first told my mother about the problem, her response was that I knew I would be an addict and wanted it to get as bad as it was. My last detox in hospital she was angry I hadn't talked about it sooner. I am proud that my response was that they didn't really teach me good communication as a child and maybe that has to do with why I don't tell them things. She actually did acknowledge that the fights she and my dad had and the "silent treatment" might not have been interpreted well as a child. Really, they have been told more than once that couple's counseling might help before any family work with me. I think at least 2 of my therapists mentioned it, but they never went. They were told this when I was a teenager after attempts at family sessions ended in her arguing with my dad about how he ignores the problem. So they are not part of my support system. I see them almost every week, and we have dinner. MY mom and I go shopping. This is just kept to surface topics, and they really only find out the worst is if I have to go inpatient. This seems crazy to a lot of people.. mainly that I see them so regularly despite the lack of support. I remember when I was at Remuda Ranch for residential eating disorder treatment, they had one group that discussed layers of the support system. It was when I really realized that I could define my support system, and it wasn't automatically defined as family. I can keep friends closer and still keep my parents in my life. I probably have talked about this before, so sorry. I appreciate having a therapist who really understands that my parents cannot be involved. Lately, she has talked more about working on my childhood and them. Mainly, I am not the only one with depression in my family, but I am the only one who accepts help. Their emotions probably affected me. They would fight. My dad (like me) compulsively picked at his skin when anxious. I loved when I heard of read the term "identified patient" because that defines me. It doesn't matter their problems. I am the sick one. After I left Remuda, I really understood this. They choose to ignore their own problems, and I am defined as sick because they have doctors that say this is true. I have this because I actually got help, and I really have grown and changed when they haven't. I was bitter about it at some point and then my mom made more hurtful comments, and I have just cut them off when it comes to mental health.

There was an AA meeting last weekend where the topic was mothers and children. I actually shared. I mentioned the hurtful things my mother has said that explain our relationship. When I was first out of eating disorder treatment, I apologized for relapse and she essentially said that I relapsed because I hadn't tried hard enough at treatment. Really, I was probably too sick for am outpatient program, but I did what I could. The other is when I told her I had a problem with drinking. I can't remember when this happened. Her response was basically that I knew I would get addicted and (after I probably tried to defend that I didn't expect it to be as bad) she said that I wanted it to get that bad. The first about treatment she denies having said, so I never bring up the second.

I'm rambling now, and I am sorry. Whenever my therapist brings up my parents, it brings to mind so much. Afterwards, I went shopping with my mom and had dinner with both of them, and it was a pleasant evening. I am determined to call my psychiatrist tomorrow or Monday. Somehow a simple phone call seems impossible right now

Another day another dollar

Today I was woken up by a text from the manager about a meeting we had to attend. I was a little annoyed because I already knew about it, so I didn't need to be bothered by that text and because it was a group text, several replies. I did get up and shower and wash my greasy hair.

I realized right at the time I was planning to leave for work that I did not have enough vodka for tonight. I did a search on my phone but didn't think I had time to go to any of the liquor stores nearby and make it to work on time. I decided I would take my "lunch break" later and go to a store near work.

I got to work early (which they had asked us to for the meeting). It was about the decline in sample numbers and how things will pick back up and projects planned until then. I was nervous when the person (one of the owners) started that layoffs would be mentioned, but it wasn't that. I think it will more affect hourly employees than those of us who are salary.

We ended up sitting around for hours today waiting for something to do. My supervisor asked rather rudely if we had anything productive to do. This was after we had done anything that we could and unless he had other ideas, we're waiting for a plate to be finished. I did ask if I could run an errand and call it my lunch break, and he agreed. I went to the liquor store, which didn't have the brand of vodka I wanted.. but whatever. I bought vodka, a bottle of water, and some Sunchips. I got back to work and tried to eat the chips, but lately so many foods I liked have been tasting gross. This includes Sunchips, Cheetos, and even plain potato chips. It's rather annoying. The food catered today had chicken in it, so I ended up eating mostly apple slices and carrots.

At some point a coworker and friend from school went downstairs to get more food. I mentioned how the manager lectured me about not giving up on school. I explained how she pulled me aside out of concern, which she might have noticed because she was working yesterday. I kind of brought up how it was about the tremors. She said it was probably a side effect of my medication. I told her the truth. We talked about her own problems with depression after having her son. It was a good talk, and she didn't seem judgmental. I have talked to her about school because she knows the department and Dr H. She knows my situation. She pretty much said to deal with this personal stuff and then decide about school. I didn't give any details, but I did mention the time I took off recently for hospital when we were talking about how amazingly understanding the people we work with are. So now 2 people at work know about the alcohol. I am OK with this. People at this company are really understanding. It helps that so many are people I know from school or are at least students there and understand that situation.

Tomorrow, I have therapy. I am kinda hoping I can somehow persuade her to call and help me make a psychiatrist appointment. I am having so much trouble with making phone calls. I know I need to do this, but I am so anxious about calling. I really have no logical explanation for why I can't call and make an appointment, but I hope she will help. Other than that, I am mostly dealing with school, and I don't know if she can help with that. I am too anxious to even check my school email. I also probably should tell her about the self harm and needing stitches, but I am scared she will decide this is a reason that I should go inpatient again. I didn't bring that possibility up when talking to my manager at work. I just got out of my last stay 3 months ago. I really don't want that to happen. I feel bad enough for the last time and for worrying people now.

So I guess we will see what happens.

Honesty

So it finally happened. The manager at work (one level above my supervisor) asked if I was ok. I had called her to my computer to show her another person's mistake. Afterwards, she leaned down and asked. I was having a particularly hard time with my hands shaking. That coupled with not having washed my hair for 3 days and being covered in bruises may also have something to do with it. She asked me to talk to her, and we went into another room.

She said she's been concerned and asked what was going on. I was honest. I asked her not to tell anyone. I said I've been drinking a lot (definitely did not say how much) and dealing with withdrawals. I held out my hands. I also said my depression is bad. I didn't mention the cutting because I don't want to worry her. She asked if therapy is helpful (she knows about it because it's come up when discussing my schedule). I said yes. She asked if work was the problem or stressing me out. I said it makes anxious but isn't the problem. I said it was mostly about school. She asked how that is going, and I admitted I want to give up. She asked if work was part of that, and I said yes.. but not all of it. She tried to talk me out of it. She said she understands how work affects being able to focus on school.

She was really nice, and I could tell she's worried. She hugged me. I felt bad about worrying her (and my supervisor). She didn't seem judgmental about the drinking, so that's good. I just couldn't bring myself to lie when she looked so worried. She says I can always talk to her and let her know if she can help. I doubt I will talk to her because I don't want to make her worry more.
So I don't know if this was the right decision, but it seemed right at the time.
Next decision is what to tell my parents (or anyone else) if they ask why I'm covered in bruises. I'm thinking of just saying I slipped in the bathroom, which I am pretty sure is actually true. That happens to sober people too. It is definitely less suspicious than saying I don't know, which is the truth.

Playing detective (alcoholic edition)

So much for better days. Today has sucked. I set my alarm (well 2 of them) and apparently fell back asleep or maybe it didn't go off. So I woke up late for work. I text my supervisor that I'm on my way. I put on scrubs. I remember I should brush my hair. I go into the bathroom, and the shower curtain and rod are on the floor. I didn't have time to think about it then.

I got to work almost an hour late. Thankfully there wasn't much to do and no one said anything. At work I noticed that I have bruises on both arms, and I guess a sore spot on my head (although obviously can't see it). I did what little work there was and mainly sat around for 4 hours. Had the not fun conversation where my coworker asked what was going on with school. I admitted I am probably giving up. I said I had personal stuff going on. She said I should talk to the boss about it, and I said I have. She was actually pretty nice about it. Now later when I had decided to eat just the inside of a donut (I peeled off the outside because I thought the glaze would make me sick because I was nauseous) my coworker laughed at me a lot. I deserved that.

Anyway, I got off work and went to the grocery store.. mainly because I didn't feel like going home. Now I am home and I have attempted to fix the shower curtain. It fell down again, so I put up the old rod and it seems ok. I went to bed for an hour, and when I changed I discovered some impressive bruises on my knees. So the current guess is I fell getting out of the shower.. probably not during because thankfully there was no water on the floor.
So now I am covered in both cuts and bruises. Hopefully, nobody asks about the bruises because I really can't explain them, and I can't really tell them why I don't know where they came from. It's weird because lately I've usually been able to remember what happens at night. This I definitely don't remember.

Another day

I don't have any major events to write about today. It was just a normal day. Well by my standards.

I woke up and stared at the wall a while. I got up, showered and put on scrubs. I packed a bizarre lunch for work (an uncrustable pb&J thing, saltines, and cookies). I've been buying foods based on if they taste good when nauseous and depressed. So my most recent shopping trip was 2 lean cuisine tortellini meals, protein bars, and saltine crackers.

Work was mainly ok. I had the fun experience of trying to pour from the kettle to make tea and shaking so badly I spilled water on my desk (thankfully not on anything). This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been standing with 2 coworkers watching. I had to ask one to do it because I knew I couldn't do it and didn't want to embarrass myself more. She did it and nobody commented on why I was shaking too badly to hold a tea kettle. I still wonder if everyone notices but is too polite to say anything, or if maybe it's not that obvious. I'm guessing they just haven't said anything (yet?). I have decided if one of my bosses asks, I won't lie. I just am not going to volunteer the information until then. I feel like lying would make me seem worse than the truth. Mainly because short of saying I had Parkinson's (which is terrible to lie about), I don't know how to explain what's happening.
I told myself yesterday that I would not cut until I at least have the stitches out because I don't want the doctor to make a big deal of it. Of course, I cut again (though very minor) and know this probably won't be the last time. I am not sure what to think of this. I then spent the last few hours of work distracted by how much my arm itched and how I couldn't scratch it. After work I went and bought the neosporin pain relief cream and some topical benadryl thing, which I really don't know if I should be using with an open wound (I didn't put any on the cut just on the skin near it). I feel better now. I keep trying to focus on how unpleasant this whole experience was and use it as motivation to stop, but my mind is rarely logical.
Now I am home watching TV with Nermal on my lap. When I get home, she is very determined to get attention. I always think I will trip over her. She usually won't stop following me until I pick her up. Actually that doesn't usually stop her. She wants constant attention. Odd just lays around wanting me to scratch his stomach. They're good kids. Well I didn't think that when Nermal decided to drag that shirt she stole onto the bed and play with it while I was trying to sleep. That was a little annoying

And that happened *TW*

So today was not much better than yesterday (see last post). Warning that this talks about self harm.
Around 2 this morning I had the brilliant drunken idea to cut myself. I honestly am only doing it once a week, which is much better than some periods in the past. Well of course I cut deeper than intended.. enough I was fairly certain I needed stitches. Well, this is after I had been drinking for a couple hours, so I was definitely not able to drive to the hospital. I also didn't want to wake any friends up to take me, and it seemed ridiculous to call an ambulance for a still fairly small cut. I managed eventually to get it mostly closed and bandaged and went to bed.

This morning I went to the liquor store and then the pharmacy to buy more bandages and those butterfly closure things. I get to work and it's opened up again. I try repeatedly to get it to stay closed. I finally go outside and call this urgent care place. I basically ask if it's been too many hours since it happened to get it stitched. They said they would have to look but there's not really a limit.

So I pull my supervisor aside. He had actually asked earlier if I was OK, and I kinda shrugged. Now (while mostly staring at the floor) tell him I need to get stitches and it would probably be too late after work. He said of course to get it taken care of and no need to discuss where the cut came from. I got someone to take my work and awkwardly left. One of my coworkers said something and I said it was just a doctor thing.

I went to an urgent care place not a hospital because 1. I figured it would be faster 2. No risk of a psychiatrist wanting to put me in a psych ward. This is how it went
Idiotic tech asks me where the cut came from and where it was. I say I did it and upper arm . She says "how did you get a knife up there?" And then "were you trying to dig something out?" And then thankfully leaves. I mean WTF? She comes back with nice doctor. At this point I was in just a tank top and she starts asking questions and starts looking at other scars. I do my best to sound like I'm not that depressed and see a doctor who knows I cut. I think I lost when she asked if there were any on my wrists and turned it over and saw those scars. She asks if I wanted to be transferred somewhere they could do a psychiatric consultation. I say no. She gives me 4 stitches and a prescription for antibiotics. A nurse puts on a dressing and I sit around waiting for forms. She comes back and says they want me to sign a form that I am discharging against medical advice since I won't let them transfer me to some kind of psych facility. I sign it because obviously that's not happening, and I go back to work. I was only gone about 2 hours. Nobody comments on the bright orange bandage around my arm, which I quickly decided I was not willing to wear at work and switch out for one of the ones in my purse (it's stocked with several varieties of bandaids actually). My supervisor doesn't say anything and I worked the rest of the shift.
I just did not expect that kind of doctor to make a huge deal of this and am glad again I didn't go to a hospital with psychiatrists around. The nurse when she gave me the AMA form was going on about how they don't want me to die and looked worried. It was not even a very big cut. Oh well.. I needed it done. Hopefully they won't react that way when I go back to get them taken out.

Bad day and paranoia fun *Trigger warning*

Today has been awful. It started awful and then got worse.

I woke up around 9am (I wonder if I didn't take my seroquel) and I can't do that. I cannot be awake and function before noon. My solution was to drink a few shots to help me sleep. It didn't really work. I probably stared at the wall for an hour before getting a little more sleep. I still have lines from Hamlet stuck and repeating in my head. So got to feeling a bit suicidal.

Finally got up with just enough time to shower, dress, and eat something before work. I even considered not showering but work..

I get to work and had to park on the street because the lot was full, and this is not a good part of town, so that always makes me paranoid about something happening to the car.

I get inside and the daytime manager asks to talk to me. I go to her desk. While I'm standing there, the daytime supervisor like straightens the sleeve of my scrub (you know the edge can fold up). Paranoia now because I have scars that sometimes show if I don't have longer sleeves. So is she just fixing it because she is a bit ocd, or is she pulling it down so the scars or parts I have been picking at will be more covered.

Then the manager asked how early I can work sundays. I hesitated and said maybe noon. She suggested 10. I said ok because I can't really tell her that I am not always sober by then or that my depression makes it hard to stop staring at the ceiling until at least 1.

I go to my desk. At some point I see her ask my supervisor something, and he gestures towards me. A few hours later I asked him (over instant messenger because awkward) what was said because I had been obsessing for hours. He said she asked why I can't work Sunday morning, and he said church. I haven't been to church in months because of anxiety. I told him I said it was fine.

The tremors were so bad today. I worried because my supervisor watched me lift my cup of water with 2 hands because it was so bad. I really was afraid he would comment. I also couldn't stop picking at my skin. I was pretty much holding a stress ball any time I wasn't typing. I didn't even care if it looked weird. Later my blood pressure was so high (I can tell by the tightness of my throat and chest) I was actually worried. At some point I got up and (stress ball in hand) just walked down the stairs and back up just to not be sitting.

I did kinda say some things to him and one girl about pretty much only sleeping and working. She said the same thing but she means going to bed late and not sleeping 12 hours a day. So who knows how they took that.

I really want to tell someone, but I am afraid it will go badly. I don't know if they will understand that the tremors and the blood pressure stuff is because I am SOBER at work and not drunk. I don't think they could fire me just for being an alcoholic, but they could probably find an excuse. I want to tell someone because I think I need more help. I know that having "who would fardels bear to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the fear of something after death. The undiscovered country, from whose bourne no traveler returns puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of." Repeating (actually the whole thing) in my head is not good. I know that DTs are a bad thing, and I am really worried when my chest feels tight when I am at work.
But I don't know. I feel like if they ask, I should be honest because I have no good lie, and just hope that the bosses (who study drugs) will understand what is happening or will try to

Major trigger warning
Editing to add that just managed on accident to cut myself deep enough I should probably get stitches. Problem is that I'm too drunk to drive and it isn't a cut worth calling an ambulance. So I have come up with enough first aid supplies to somewhat close it. There was much scrambling to find butterfly closures and make them stick. Wish me luck on this or maybe just sympathy. I can't convince myself to call a friend to drive me to a hospital and am a bit worried that they wouldn't consider this bad. I'm pretty good at first aid these days, so I am sure I can manage. Sorry that was really detailed and stuff on self harm, but I had to tell someone

The shirt

So I am not going to write anything terribly depressing today. I'm just going to share a random story.

So my kitten is weird. There's plenty evidence of that, but then there's this. I had a shirt that fell out of a laundry basket and I left on the floor for a few days. It's a shirt that I really dislike and never wear, which is why I didn't really care it was on the floor.

And then my kitten stole it. At first I thought it was really weird that it wasn't laying where it originally was. Then I saw her dragging the shirt around my apartment. She was dragging a whole shirt around the apartment by one of the sort of strings that tie by the neck. It then for several days would move from my bedroom to the living room and at one point I think it was in the kitchen.

Today I got up and she had hidden the shirt inside of one of these play cube things that she has. She dragged the whole shirt into it. I don't have the heart to take it back at this point (especially since I don't like that shirt). She went to the trouble to drag a shirt around my apartment, so it seems mean to take it away. What kind of cat steals clothing? I mean Mudge stole jewelry and hair ties but never clothing.

Anyway, the evidence

And the little thief

Friends

I guess I am mostly complaining today, so I apologize. A few days ago a friend from AA texted me to ask how I was. I was honest about being non-functional. I did then text her about hanging out today after the women's meeting, and she said yes. I later asked her if she could call to make sure I actually got out of bed in order to go to the meeting.

Today I woke up around 11 and couldn't fall back asleep, so I got up and showered and dressed. I texted my friend so she didn't need to call to make sure I was up.

Anyway, I made it to my first meeting in 2 weeks. My friend was also there. After the meeting, she told me that she had to spend the day at the house of another member of AA. She cleans their house but there was also something about him cooking lunch. She did invite me to go, but I couldn't handle that many people after hardly leaving the house for a couple weeks. Plus, I have had some bad experiences with going to that place, so I said no. I was really disappointed that she had agreed to hanging out and then done this. I think it was pretty obvious that I was upset or just generally not well.

I almost left and then decided to at least ask her about my psychiatrist's offer to give me Librium to detox if I would stay with someone and could meet them. I have been thinking about this for a couple weeks but wanted to talk to my friend in person (and also just generally been scared of phone calls). She said she would talk to the guy that shares the apartment and his girlfriend. I know her and her boyfriend she lives with, but I really haven't spoken to the other people.. only just a few words. I was proud of myself for asking because honestly I was upset enough that I wanted to just leave. Then I reminded myself that I would have to call her if I didn't ask, and the phone is much more terrifying

I don't know about the detox plan. I do know I am miserable. I also know that based on what I am experiencing now, I am scared of what will happen if I stop. That makes me scared to do it alone, but I am not willing to take time off work to detox in a hospital. I mean I work at a drug testing lab, so I feel no good could come of admitting to needing help for this.

I do want to be sober. I don't want to keep gaining weight. I don't like the tremors. I know I will reach a point where I can't hide how bad things are. I just would feel safer with someone else being there. When I got sober the last time, I would on multiple occasions take my blood pressure and wonder if I should go to the emergency room because it was really that high. Now add to that all the hallucination like stuff (my sponsor said they were more illusions than hallucination?). I an legitimately scared of detox. So I am glad I was honest. I have to wait to see what she says and also to get an appointment with my psychiatrist. I don't know what that will take.

Tonight, since I have nobody to spend time with, I am drinking alone with my cats... just like any other night

Positives (and some negatives)

So today I had therapy. It went well? I mean I did a little less staring at the floor and a little more talking. I was meant to buy a workbook discussed in my last appointment, which I bought but intentionally didn't bring because I needed to talk about my current situation. Honestly, when I explained the sleeping all the time and avoiding phone calls (like to make a psychiatrist appointment), her recommendation seemed to be a higher level of care. I don't know if she meant inpatient detox or actual rehab. I basically said that it's maybe been 2 months since I suddenly needed time off to go inpatient. It's pathetic to go again that soon. Plus, it's more complicated because I was willing to talk to certain coworkers about being depressed. I think it's a terrible idea to mention the alcohol to anyone. I mean we do drug testing. We (admittedly me too)make comments about samples. Comments on the quantity of whatever they had to be taking or how many things they aren't prescribed but are taking. I have commented on insanely high ethyl glucoronide or ethyl sulfate (ethanol metabolites) and silently wondered what mine would be. We talked about patients in rehabs and how they afford it or how they are still somehow using. That conversation just made me jealous of people that can afford these rehabs. I am often lately jealous of these patients (who all I know is their urine) who are in these places. But yeah... it seems a terrible idea to admit to the alcoholism. My supervisor recently asked if I was OK, and it was clear he meant something to do with my wrists or hands. I didn't know if it was the scars on my wrist or the tremors. I don't want to discuss the tremors. In my defense, having tremors implies I am not drunk at work. They mean I am sober, but I am not sure someone could understand that someone who drinks enough to cause withdrawals could be having these physical problems at work because she doesn't drink at work. To an alcoholic that makes sense. I am afraid to them they will associate the symptoms with alcoholism and therefore me being impaired at work. So I am scared to approach the topic. There is so much stigma at this place... not always. The boss boss has repeatedly reminded them that whatever the test results, we are helping people. Knowing someone is drinking or on something means that they can get help.

Me I don't know what help I can get. I talked to my therapist and the goals were basically talk to my friend from AA about staying with them because my psychiatrist did mention detox meds if he could meet with who I would stay with. This is basically because blood pressure and other things can happen during withdrawal. I own a blood pressure cuff from my last detox and it reached scary numbers, bug I was home alone with no medicine. I think he doesn't want to give me benzos to take at home and either drink on them or detox and have a stroke.

Well the friend I might do this with.. I was waiting to ask in person, but I slept through the last women's meetings and am terrified of the phone. She texted me "Hey" this morning and then asking where I have been. I was honest enough to say depressed and sleeping all day. I said I was determined to go to the meeting Saturday. I asked if we could hang out after. She said yes.. more or less because she works before the meeting. I said we could meet up after even if she wasn't there. So I actually have to function Saturday. I am debating texting and asking her to call and make sure I get out of bed. The alarm doesn't matter at this level of functioning. I will probably ask tomorrow since she's probably asleep now.

The key is that at least in the text I was honest, and I am planning to talk to her about the psychiatrist thing. That was one goal from my therapist.

The second goal involves contacting Dr H my mentor at school.. I am currently not mentally able to do this. I can't even check my school email (so much random crap) for fear she has said something. I cannot seem to email her but have been advised by my therapist and sponsor that this is about how I am doing. Any decision about quitting school is not rational right now. I don't feel capable of contacting her because I don't know if I am logical. I am not sure I am even functional, so for now I am ignoring the request I contact her.

I really feel I should be focused on my option to drink myself to death or choose something else. I am not sure even life is possible, so I don't think I can talk about school.

But I have texted a friend and been honest about what is going on. I have made a social commitment that requires me to get out of bed. That's a huge start right now.

What to do

Today was not my best day. I woke up way to early and spent a long time just laying in bed. I wasn't even doing anything. I just stared at the ceiling or the wall. Eventually, I managed to pick up my phone and checked instagram and other sites. I remember laying there thinking about death. I thought about suicide but it passed.

Work was not fun. I got there early and sat in my car picking at my skin. I know my face and arms look bad. I don't know how much they notice. After a while at work, my chest started hurting. I managed to convince myself it was stress. I tried listening to a podcast (Seriously love Welcome to Nightvale. Even seen 2 live shows and have a ticket for the next in July. So yeah definitely recommend) and music, but it didn't get better. I drank water and took a gabapentin and tried to believe it was stress. I really don't know if it was stress or some kind of withdrawal. My chest is fine now, so I assume not my heart.

I keep thinking that I WAS a functional alcoholic. I am NOT functioning. I don't know what to do though. I am scared to call anyone or make an appointment with my new psychiatrist. I even wondered if I could convince a friend to make the appointment for me. The phone is somehow terrifying right now.

I know things are bad. I know I need to deal with school. I need to stop drinking. I need to somehow get out of all this social anxiety. I don't know how. I cannot seem to make the first step and tell someone. I am not sure if it's best to just stop drinking or if I really need medication to detox. I do know I am terrified of asking a friend to see the psychiatrist to set that up. I do know now is not the time to go back in the hospital. I really don't care if withdrawal kills me.

I know I am not ok. I just can't manage to do anything about it. There are so many steps I could take.. basically telling anyone all this. I want to hold out and ask someone (friend or sponsor) in person, but that involves waiting and being sober enough to make it to a meeting. I even wonder about telling my parents the truth about quitting school and the truth about the depression. I don't know if that would help or just add more criticism. The phone is so terrifying, but I don't think I should wait until I make it to a meeting and happen to see the right people to ask for help. I don't really know if they can help.

I know I don't always want to live, but lately I am bothered by the logic of suicide. If I am not always convinced that there is an afterlife (right now religious thoughts come and go), how is not existing any better. Where is the logic in wanting to cease to be instead of existence. I have been trying to RE-memorize Hamlets soliloquy and think about "but that the fear of something after death. The undiscovered country, from whose born no traveler returns puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all. " Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I am scared of what would happen if I killed myself, but maybe that's better. Maybe that fear is better than wanting to end all the burdens of life. Yeah.. probably not what I should be fixating on.

So I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I really want. I don't know how to overcome all this anxiety about doing anything to do with people. I can't even interact normally with people at work. I don't know how to overcome this fear of phone calls. I don't know who I should be honest with. Should I tell my parents? Should I tell them at work since it really does affect what I can do? Do I just wait until someone comments on my tired appearance and Odd behavior? Or do I just keep trying to be a human being? That seems a terrible idea, but it seems most likely to happen.

I apologize for any typos and for just generally being depressing. All I can manage is drunken honesty right now. All I can manage is being drunk, being asleep, and apparently being a senior toxicologist since nobody has criticized my work. My life is a mess and I don't think anyone else knows.

Strange day

Sorry I haven't updated lately. I'm a bit ashamed of how I am doing lately. I haven't really been taking my meds consistently.. including my thyroid medication. That is probably why I've been sleeping about 12 hours a day. Saturday I missed my usual meeting because I fell back asleep after my alarm and woke up around 3pm. Sunday I got a text around 10:30am not to go to work. I am assuming they finished everything and didn't want evening shift to sit around doing nothing. I went back to sleep until around 2 something a coworker called to ask about working that day.. I guess the daytime supervisor has his number wrong, so he didn't get her text and I am officially lead on Sunday now. I am hoping he couldn't tell I was still in bed. I finally got up around then and went shopping. I went to Sam's club and bought applesauce and underwear.. odd purchase. Then I went to Walmart for sparkling water to go with my vodka. I made myself wait until around 7 to start drinking to be sure I wasn't going to get called in to work (and either go in drunk or have to make an excuse).
Today I got up a bit before 2 and showered and dressed. I stopped to get an iced tea to have at work. I get to work (rather early because I always take less time getting there than expected). I look at my phone and have 7 texts, panic for a moment, then see I have a text not to go into work (and a bunch of responses since it was a group text). This time it was something to do with the power being out and the machines not being ready because of it. So I leave and go shopping. I went to target and old navy where I bought nothing. I had the good idea to actually fill my synthroid prescription and pick it up. I went to Natural Grocers for Qrunch burgers, 2 kinds of non dairy yogurt (I have been eating some dairy but can't convince myself to buy yogurt or milk since the alternative is just as good), and chocolate dipped rice cakes because why not. And (this is more impressive than it sounds) picked up the package that was delivered to the apartment office Saturday rather than letting my rather than letting my worsening social anxiety be an excuse to let it sit there until tomorrow. Only sleeping and working has really made me anxious about any other social interaction. I can manage shopping but even avoid fast food restaurants. I got a bit upset that there were 2 people in the office and one remembered my name.  I guess I have lived here for 5 years, so it's reasonable that she might know me.

Now I am safely home and laying in bed for a bit with the cats because my stomach has been upset today. Soon I will get up and watch TV and drink. I am again trying to wait to make sure I don't get called in to work. I ate a rice cake and it helped somewhat settle my stomach, but I still should come up with an actual dinner. It's been a weird couple of days.