Urgent care **trigger warning**

Guess who is waiting at urgent care to get stitches again. I may have slipped while cutting my leg last night and gone a bit deep. I'm a little worried that the cuts are too close together for the deep one to be stitched but maybe they can do something or at least bandage it properly. Thankfully I have a nicer nurse this time who caught on quick enough to what I meant by "I cut myself". Not like the one who asked "how did the knife get up there?" last time I was here. Still waiting on the doctor. I might update or delete this later...

All done. 13 stitches total. She did a couple of the smaller cuts too. It was the same doctor as last time and she recognized me, so that was awkward. I got the usual questions and advice about finding ways to relieve stress without self harm. Super helpful, right? She was nice though. It took about two hours, and I am now having lunch at the Panera next door. I am glad it was on my day off and not during work that I had to go, and they didn't try to persuade me to go to the hospital. Not a great experience but oh well. It was necessary. I have to go back Friday before work to get it checked and in 10 days to have them removed. I will probably do some shopping today and tomorrow I have therapy and will probably see my parents. I was a bit embarrassed that my foot kept twitching while she was doing it. Not sure if it was withdrawal or the way I was holding my leg. She kept asking if I was ok because I think she thought I was in pain, but I only felt the last stitch because she didn't numb around the smaller cuts as much. I don't think she planned to do those but they started bleeding

Waiting and waiting

Seriously, what is going on with my job?

Today I went to work early because that was what my supervisor was what my supervisor asked for yesterday. It was a weird day. There were people taking tours of the building, and I was not at my usual desk since I came in early. I was facing the people walking by. This included tours where I tried to seem happy and the HR guy who kept walking by.

I hoped that someone would mention meeting about the drinking. Then the manager left, and the boss left. I was left wanting to cry. I worked another day not knowing if I would be fired. I don't work again until Friday. I couldn't say anything to the HR guy because I don't know how much I am supposed to know. My supervisor texted me after the manager left that we probably wouldn't be meeting that day. I later said that I would be willing to come in on my day off to find out what's happening. I was trying to get him to understand that maybe he should mention it to someone.

I did survive work. I then went home to drink and cut myself bad enough that I may need stitches. I will decide in the morning. I lied (sort of) and told my parents I didn't meet with people about medical leave because of the meetings and tours.. it's kinda true. I haven't mentioned the accusation of smelling of alcohol or that side of the story. I really hope they ask me to come in tomorrow so I can know. I know I need treatment, but I don't want to nag anyone or influence the decision. I care most about keeping my job. If that ends up meaning I shouldn't take time off for treatment, I will choose work. I know that's fucked up, but this job has become my life. I know if I get fired I may kill myself..  so I will wait. I will work as scheduled and wait and see what happens.

My supervisor joked via text that maybe they would forget about all this (meeting with me, warning me, firing me). I didn't find it funny. If they forget, I go back to questioning if I value my job and not inconveniencing anyone by taking time off or my life by getting help I clearly need. I don't know if he truly understands that this may be a life or death situation for me. I know I cannot live this way. I make stupid drunken choices like cutting deeply enough to consider stitches. Even driving sober I worry about the tremors and twitches affecting the foot on the brake pedal. I don't know that anyone realizes that I frequently think it would be better if I didn't wake up.

So I wait. I don't know. I wonder if my life is redeemable. I wonder if I am too far gone. I HOPE someone realizes that I need help and maybe that I am no longer sane enough to request time off work. I no longer value my life more than my job, so I need permission. Yes, I realize that isn't normal, but it's true. I care more about what people think of me than if I live.

Sorry. I am not writing this sober, but I know it's true. I will let you know when a decision is made.

Waiting

So today was miserable. I got a text about going to work early. I did end up going in at 2 instead of 3:30. I couldn't go in earlier because I worked until almost 1am and went to bed around 3. I also had to wait until I was sober enough to go. I mean I didn't expect to wake up so early.

I was supposed to talk with the manager about the accusation that someone said I smelled like alcohol. I got to work and started working expecting them to talk to me. Then the manager left, and I was left wondering what would happen. I finally asked my supervisor about it. He said they had talked to HR about it and would talk about it tomorrow... so I got to work another day not knowing if I was being fired. He told me that they were more willing to work with me than not. Whatever that meant.

I spent the night working and not knowing if I would be fired tomorrow. I almost cried several times.

I said at some point that I was terrified about tomorrow. My supervisor pulled me aside and told me not to repeat what he told me. He said they all (him, the manager, the daytime supervisor) said nice things about me. The HR guy is researching medical leave for me. The plan discussed is to make this a final warning, so if anyone ever suspects I am drinking I would be fired. Now they want me to get treatment.

He kept saying that he wasn't supposed to tell me this. He said it was unprofessional, but sometimes it's right to say the wrong thing. I think that he was worried that I would do something bad because I was so terrified about the meeting. He kept telling me not to tell anyone what he said because it was not a finalized plan. The HR guy had to get it approved.

Tomorrow I get to go in early and I guess will find out what will happen. Apparently, the boss (chief toxicologist who I know from school) I also involved. I don't know what will happen. I am willing to do pretty much whatever to keep my job. I told my supervisor that I was afraid they (him, the manager, the other supervisor) wanted me to be fired, but he assured me that they said good things. I texted a friend and another coworker about all this because it was so hard to work 9 hours not knowing if I would be fired tomorrow.

So I guess I will update tomorrow. I hope that the meeting is early in the shift. Waiting days to find out is making me crazy. I keep wondering how I will kill myself if they fire me. I keep wondering what I will say. This job has become my life.. whether that is good or bad I don't know. I don't know how honest I should/will be about how this job affects me. I am drunk enough now not to think about it. I will let you (anyone who cares) tomorrow what happens.

Reassurance

So I went to work today. I texted my therapist and told her about yesterday (see last post) and possibly going inpatient. She thinks it's a good idea. She said some reassuring things about my work ethic and that being why they won't fire me. My supervisor came in for a little while. I told him my therapist agreed with my idea about inpatient if the manager agrees. He said we would talk Monday and the manager hadn't mentioned it since I guess when she said I should work the weekend. I think that's a good sign?

I still kept obsessing. Around 11 I asked a woman who I know from school and work if I could talk to her. I just needed some reassurance, and she is the one I have talked to about the drinking besides the supervisor and manager. I trust she wouldn't gossip and that she wasn't the one who told him I smelled like alcohol because I think she would have gone to me directly first.

So we went to a room where nobody could hear. I asked if she knew why I left early yesterday (this was also to see if she was the one who told him). She said she didn't and thought I left because I had counseling early today. I told her what happened. I basically said I was possibly in trouble but didn't think they could fire me based on one person's claim that I smelled like alcohol. She agreed. I talked about how he told me but that they wanted me working the weekend, so we agreed that sending me home was probably policy. I said I have made no mistakes, I have never been written up, and while Monday was the worst possible day to be late I have never been late before. We talked about work and how the stress is affecting both of us. She agrees I should get help if they offer me time off. I felt better after because I really needed someone to agree that this one statement was not evidence enough to fire me and that they wouldn't let me work the weekend if they thought the quality of my work is bad. She said it was really shitty for him to tell me this and expect me to work two more days before the talk with the manager. It should either have happened sooner or not been mentioned until Monday because he knows I am anxious and stressed and depressed and this would make that worse.

I didn't admit to drinking before work in the conversation. I do acknowledge it is unhealthy and unethical. However, I would never go to work if I thought I wasn't thinking clearly or was making errors and impacting patients lives. I know myself well enough and understand what can happen to someone if a report is wrong. I am constantly afraid of making mistakes and being that person that gets someone kicked out of rehab for a false positive.

So I understand that I did something wrong. I also know I might kill myself if I lost this job. I mean the job itself has made me consider suicide on multiple occasions. I probably shouldn't say that to them. I mean one of those group texts I woke up to and my first idea was to swallow a bottle of seroquel.. I might say that as a sign I need help. I am so careful with my work. I also haven't gotten the help I know I need because I didn't want to inconvenience them.

So obviously I am still obsessing, but I feel a bit better now that someone has agreed they don't have evidence or cause to fire me. She agrees that me working the weekend is a good sign. I emailed my mom about possibly going inpatient and them watching the grandkittens. I lied a bit and said this was about sorting out my meds. I didn't mention drinking and only said I would talk to the bosses at work Monday. I don't want to tell them that they said something about my drinking, and honestly I am on 6 meds that aren't working and need to get back to less meds and probably it's safest to do in a hospital. 7 medications is fucking ridiculous (levothyroxine, Zoloft, wellbutrin, depakote, seroquel, Latuda, Vyvanse). My psychiatrist doesn't want to deal with me. I am cutting and that needs to stop. I'm a mess even if you ignore the drinking. However, I am honestly scared if I stop drinking that I will get worse and kill myself. The idea is pretty appealing.

Hopefully, Monday won't be terrible. I hope that they will agree to let me take time off, get help, and come back sober. I am willing to be sober for this job, but I honestly am scared of detox if I don't have help. I am willing to go to meetings, have to fucking breathe on them to show I don't smell of alcohol. I will do whatever because this is my life. I am willing to tell them I am suicidal and self destructive and that work is my main stressor. I have had more than one therapist suggest that I take medical leave because all I talk about is work stress.

So if you have any reassuring comments or advice, I could probably use it. Tomorrow is going to be busy, and I am still waiting to have this stupid talk.

What I feared would happen

I have been making a lot of poor decisions lately. I cut deep enough last night I probably should have gotten stitches. Thankfully, the new wound closure strips work well. I also twice this week have consumed alcohol at work.

Well, tonight my supervisor asked to speak with me. It was around 9pm, so I had been there over 6 hours. I had earlier bought a cherry flavored water and dumped one of those tiny bottles of vodka in it. I drank this at work to help with the shaking. Anyway, my supervisor said someone had mentioned smelling alcohol on me. I don't know if he meant tonight or another night, and I didn't ask because I figured silence was less incriminating. He said he was sending me home and that we would have to have a sit down talk with the manager but they hadn't gone to HR yet. When I asked what would happen, he said he didn't know.

I spent a minute sitting there after. I asked if I could tell him the rest of what's going on because I thought it would seem better if he knew and maybe I would get more sympathy. We went in the conference room. I told him about the depression and the cutting. I talked about the medication and my psychiatrist appointment. I blamed the latuda for me oversleeping Monday. I mentioned how I have been considering treatment but didn't think I should take time off since we are short staffed and busy and I didn't want anyone to get upset about it. He said I need to take care of myself and nobody would be upset if I did what I need to to take care of myself. He said it might be a good compromise in dealing with this situation. Like it would be better if I could show I was getting help. He said he's worried about me. He didn't want me to drive home because I was shaking so badly. I finally convinced him that I would be ok. He said he didn't smell alcohol on me, and I said the shaking would only get worse if I waited. I asked him about the weekend and he said he had to ask the manager if I should work. I agreed to text him when I got home, so he would know I got there safely. I packed up and left.

I am home safe, and he texted that the manager does want me to work tomorrow, which I think is a good sign? I am still terrified. This job is my life. I know I need help and really this job is why I haven't. I know I need to quit drinking and that I am rather suicidal (I didn't say that talking to him). I am willing to go inpatient again, especially if it will save my job. I don't know about the talk. I wish I knew when I supposedly smelled like alcohol because I would like to be able to make an excuse. I really have never been intoxicated at work. I limit my drinks to 1-2 in the daytime to postpone withdrawal.. I don't think I should say it like that. I do keep thinking they have no actual proof I have been drinking before or at work. However, I think saying that will only make them upset. I told him he can tell the manager the rest of what I told him. If he doesn't, I will probably bring it up. I am tempted to turn up Monday without bandage on my arm because it is really ugly. My left one is yellow all around the cuts? I'm hoping bruising not infection. I cleaned it and both have nice bandages on them now.

I am debating where to go inpatient. Do I go to the one near me? I don't really like it. Do I go to the same as last time? If the cafeteria staff recognize me, I will probably be too mortified to eat after that tech made them apologize for giving me grief about the vegetarian meals. There's one other option, but that places awful food was what I blame for my relapse into bulimia years ago because all I ate was chips because the meals were awful. I have the weekend to think I guess, and I told my supervisor that I wouldn't go until next week because I need to make arrangements for the cats. Plus, I probably have to have this talk first.. I guess that will be Monday since the manager and supervisors don't work weekends. I am hoping it the weekend goes well, things will be calmer by the time it happens. I know I was sent home because they are afraid that I would make mistakes, and if I haven't made any that can be part of my defense. I will probably either say I don't want to admit to anything but can swear I haven't been drunk at work or admit to having a drink before work to minimize the withdrawal which makes driving/walking/everything difficult. I don't know. I probably will end up going to detox though and maybe can just say I have a problem and need help. I will say that I was afraid they would be angry if I asked for time off because it's true and might make it clear how much I care about my job. I mean I have been suicidal and decided I would rather risk dying than miss work and inconvenience them. That's pretty devoted in a fucked up way. Plus the stress of work is what led to me cutting again. So yeah.  That's what happened. Judge me if you want to.

Psychiatrists suck

Today I had both a psychiatrist appointment and therapy, which makes for a crappy day.

The psychiatrist appointment was bad. He basically said he will continue to prescribe my Vyvanse, but he isn't going to try to treat the depression if I keep drinking. I explained that I am having trouble keeping up with 7 medications. I said I forget to take the latuda since I am supposed to take it several hours before bed. He wants me to increase the Zoloft. I think I was supposed to already but forgot. He also said that if he were in my situation, he would quit my job and move back in with my parents. Not exactly helpful. So I left feeling terrible.

I didn't make a follow up appointment. I talked about it with my therapist, and I am going to find another doctor or for now go back to my old one. He dealt more with addiction and was less of an ass about it. He just didn't listen well.

I told my therapist about being late to work Monday. I also said that my supervisor asked how I was doing yesterday.. and said he had noticed that I wasn't doing well. I still am not sure if he was referring to Monday or to me coming to work with bandages on my arms that my scrubs didn't cover. We have never actually discussed the cutting, but I think people know. I know he knew I had to get stitches that time, and I know he told some people. I think even though it wasn't discussed, the story probably implies self harm. I debated if saying more yesterday would worry him more or less. I don't see a point if he can't help.

Therapy was also rough. I talked about feeling hopeless. I talked about the belief I have had for a long time that I shouldn't make goals for life because I never expected to live this long. I brought up the bit in Wasted where she talks about thinking that life is too long a time. I still feel that way. I talked about being ashamed of how many times I have been in the hospital and how I feel like I'm going to end up back there. I feel like past a certain number of times, I go from seeming "sick" (the way people say depression is just an illness like diabetes) to seeming crazy. I mean I think of myself as "crazy" because I hate the word sick. Somehow though, it's different for other people to think of me as crazy. I worry if I ever actually mention the cutting, they will see me as crazy. Somehow that behavior seems worse than the drinking. Most people have known alcoholics. I'm rambling, but this has been on my mind. My therapist suggested I listen to something other than the book Madness at work. Probably a good idea because that's what got me thinking about the hospital thing again. When she lists the times she was in hospital, it reminds me of the first time I was in a psych ward. My psychiatrist there said that I would probably end up having to go inpatient periodically. She had diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, which I don't think I have (and haven't been diagnosed as since). I think it was because I was a tad defiant at the time and prone to arguing with her. There was a book that they took away that I repeatedly argued with her about getting back. I have grown up a bit since then. I also know better than to read books about suicide in day treatment. I have also never been able to find a copy of that book again.

In other news, I spent a fair amount of money on first aid supplies today. I got more non stick pads and tape, adhesive gauze pads to keep in my purse, and a different kind of wound closure since I hate the butterfly ones. Now I have a waterproof bandage on one arm and wound closures with a non stick pad and tape on the other.. honestly I might need stitches if that doesn't hold. I am hoping the new closures hold because as of now the cut is closed, but the question is will it stay closed and heal. I am obviously not doing well.

Shrug

Today I went to work despite Wednesday being my day off. I felt like if others worked on their days off, I should work on mine. I have been listening to Madness by Marya Hornbacher on my phone and I think it's making things worse. So much of that book is my life. The drinking, the meds, the hospitalization is me. So probably I shouldn't be listening to it at work.

Today especially, I felt off. I cut the night before so had a bandage on my arm. It was deep enough to be concerning, and it was a place on my arm that I could not hide. I didn't intend for it to be visible, but I decided I would rather have a visible bandage than visible cuts.

At some point, I was walking to the restroom. My supervisor asked how I was doing. I shrugged because I couldn't just say bad. He said he had noticed. He asked if he could help. I said no. I mentioned struggling with taking my meds and seeing my doctor tomorrow. I didn't mention drinking because I am afraid of anyone mentioning me coming to work drunk. I didn't mention the cutting, but I assume it's obvious since I have not tried to hide bandages.

I finished the night. I didn't say anything else. I considered it, but I don't know what it would accomplish. I want to have permission to take time off to get help, but we are so short handed. I don't think it would be well received. I would rather they not know if I can't get treatment. I would rather just die. I am not willing to say I am suicidal because I am not sure I am? I am not willing to say I am self destructive because I am not willing to stop.

I really considered telling my supervisor something, but I don't know what to say. I have my psychiatrist did therapist tomorrow. I hope they can help.

Just bad

I have not been doing well. I have kind of given up on doing well.

So Monday was the first day our company worked at the new building. Well, our department was there at least. Not everyone has moved. Well I woke up around 3:45 to a call from my supervisor asking if I was ok since obviously I wasn't there. I said I had just woken up. I ended up being about an hour late. Nobody said anything about it, so I don't know how badly this was received. I got there and worked until almost 2am, so I made up the missed time. I got a bit disoriented leaving because I hadn't driven in that area at night. I was pretty scattered when I got home.

Today I managed to get up, go to the liquor store, and I still was at work on time. I took a pocket shot to drink on lunch. I have only done that once before. I was listening to the book Madness on my phone and between that and work stuff (too complicated to explain) I was not in a good head space. I haven't taken my meds in a couple days. I told my supervisor that I couldn't work late. I just knew I would make mistakes if I tried. I felt awful leaving while others were still there, but I was miserable.

I am a bit suicidal. I think I am hoping the alcohol will kill me, and that hasn't worked out. I am still so stressed, and I know I need help but don't know what I need. I feel like I should tell someone at work, but I don't want to call attention to myself. I don't want it to be obvious this all relates to drinking. I don't want my work to be questioned. I also don't see a way out. So yeah.. just bad. I did tell my supervisor that Thursday I have appointments so can't work. I know I can't afford to miss therapy right now. I am a mess. Tomorrow I really need to take all of my meds, and I probably need to tell my doctor that I haven't been taking them.

Life is a mess.

Seriously awkward

So I had to call in to work for another meeting. This one was 45 minutes on the phone.
Mostly this was about the move. Then it got awkward. The manager brought up all that I told her last week. She said people need to stop complaining and gossiping and come directly to her if there's problems. They need to stop saying things are unfair. She mentioned knowing about text messages going around. She said it was causing someone included anxiety. She said that the job may be stressful but creating a negative environment and therefore increasing stress isn't OK. She never said my name, but several people saw me talking with her last week. I only admitted to it being about the supervisor. I didn't tell anyone I mentioned the gossip, but they may assume it was me. So yeah.. it was probably good I wasn't physically there today. I don't know how people reacted to this.

I talked to my mom about it. I then went to get my car inspected (3 months late). I have been putting it off because of social anxiety, but the fear of getting a ticket finally became worse than the fear of getting it inspected. It passed, so I now need to renew my registration. The doctor commented yesterday on how I filled out this one assessment showing moderate depression but then said on it that it wasn't severely affecting my life. Stupid tasks like this probably show that it interferes. I convince myself that I am just too lazy to do things when really I am scared.

Saturday my parents are coming to go to lunch and then to find the new building for work. I would rather someone else be driving while finding it. I was willing to admit some level of fear around my parents to accomplish this. I think they were surprised because I rarely ask for help even when it's obvious I need it.

I just have to survive work tomorrow and hope nobody asks about what I told the manager. I hope (oddly) that I have been visibly anxious enough that they understand it was not out of malice. I legitimately could not handle the environment. Maybe that's enough to forgive me telling her things. Honestly, she dragged more out of me than I ever planned to say. I didn't want to give details on the complaints. I didn't name names on everyone involved. I really just want work to not make me suicidal. That seems reasonable, right? Only I probably shouldn't say it that way. I hope nobody asks and things go back to normal.

Doctors

Well, I went to the appointment with the new doctor (internal medicine/gp). She was quite nice. I did get weighed and it was a little upsetting.

She said my blood pressure was a tiny bit high. She commented on my weight and being overweight. However when we went through my medication list, I mentioned the Vyvanse being for binge eating and that I am a recovering bulimic. She said that in the future I can blind weigh and we won't discuss it again, so that was nice. Mostly this appointment was going over my medical history and medication and such. Other than that she just did vitals and listened to my heart and lungs. She ordered blood tests because I needed my thyroid checked. She also ordered blood count, metabolic panel, and said she would test liver function because of my drinking. She was shocked by how much I drink but didn't lecture me like my old doctor would.

I then went to have blood drawn, and thankfully that was just down the hall. The woman there was a little strange, but she did a good job.

I hadn't eaten since I wasn't sure if I needed to be fasting for blood work. So I was hungry and insanely thirsty after this. I ended up going to Chipotle and doing some grocery shopping at Target before going home. I thought about getting my hair trimmed or going to other stores but decided I was tired. For several days I have been tired and my body has ached. I don't know if I am getting sick or need to take vitamins. I spent a bit just laying in bed, and now I'm watching TV. Hopefully the rest of the day will be uneventful.

No clever title

Too lazy to think of a title for this.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a new doctor. It's a bit embarrassing why. I admittedly didn't like my old GP. After my hospital stay in February, I made an appointment at her office (with the physician's assistant) to get bloodwork and a synthroid prescription. Then I started drinking and on that day overslept. I was too embarrassed to call and reschedule, so I found a new doctor. I didn't like that the old one never sent me or discussed the results of my blood tests, so this is probably for the best.

I hate new doctors. I don't want to discuss my drinking. I don't want to discuss food or my weight. I really just want a blood test and levothyroxine. So.. on paperwork I did admit to drinking, but I hope to say it is an issue for my psychiatrist. I hope to close my eyes on the scale and ask that because I am a recovering bulimic we not discuss it. I know I have gained since I started drinking again, but I really don't want to know how much.

In other news, work is annoying. Because we were short handed this weekend and therefore a little behind, they had us work at 11 on Monday and not 3:30. This is earlier than I am usually awake. It did mean my supervisor was on his best behavior since the daytime shift was there. I ended up listening to Wasted as an audio book and getting a lot done.

Today he sent a text last night that we were working at 1. I got up early enough to go to the liquor store before that. I got there and eventually found out that the manager gave him the day off since he will be working the weekend. Well, I don't know if she didn't receive the message or ignored it but the recently trained girl came in at 3:30. Actually, she was a few minutes late. I mentioned in talking to the manager that I was NOT comfortable with her closing alone after I and the other analyst left. She seemed to understand me, so we agreed she could either leave with us and make up the hours or do one task by herself. The girl showed up, and they talked in another room. The manager said she would leave with us and make up hours another day.

I did not enjoy the shift. This girl took hours to find cases and a long time to close 2. I couldn't snap because the boss was there. I wonder what she thought of the questions I had to answer, but that's not my problem. I had to be lead. I handled the stat cases. At around 9:30 when it was time to leave, I had someone from another department come with a question. I couldn't offer a solution, but I managed to give a possible explanation and suggestion of who to ask. She seemed somewhat satisfied (given that it was a weird problem) that I could explain what might happen. I couldn't test it without either altering closed cases or making test ones, but I explained how we could fix a problem like that if we had a reason to suspect it. I felt bad my supervisor wasn't there, but I did my best. It was a weird but not unheard of problem.

In the end, the new girl exported 2 plates and closed 2 of a certain type of case. The other analyst did a reasonable amount. I closed cases, imported, closed reruns, and felt terrible about how much was done. I hate being lead. I never feel adequate. I did everything asked of me.

Now I am home (thankfully before midnight) and drinking while re-watching Black Books on Netflix. I will try to update again soon.

Awkward conversations x 2

Today was awkward? Bad? Weird? Dena vu?

It was my last day at IOP. I did something stupid but honest. The daily check-in sheet has a place to check if you're thinking of harming yourself or someone else. I have been checking no because I haven't been cutting even though I want to. I have been thinking more about suicide than I admit. I did cut last night. I didn't mention this in group which is the stupid part. It didn't help that the therapist asked if I was tired and when I said I stayed up late. His response was "Drinking?" And said my eyes looked puffy. So I told him the good things about talking to my therapist and planning to talk to the manager at work. I skipped the bad. The education topic was grounding, and I did talk about it. I didn't admit that by now the bandage had come loose on my arm and I was debating if I needed stitches or should show him. I chose not to. I spent the break reading about gluing it closed but decided that wouldn't work since I would have to do it one handed with tremors.

As I was leaving, he stopped me and said something about how he had hopes for me. He doesn't like when people leave while still drinking/using. He said if I need it I can come back and be RE-assessed and wished me well.

I went to Walmart in search of first aid supplies and a scrub top that didn't make me feel as fat. While there, the therapist called. I answered and could barely hear. I told him that I was shopping, ditched my cart, and went outside. He said he saw that I was thinking of harming myself. I admitted to cutting and having bad thoughts but no plans. He asked what happened to make it worse but I didn't really know. He asked what my plan was if things get worse. I said I can always text or call my therapist. I was trying to think of answers that wouldn't inspire him to call someone or something. He seemed to accept it and asked what I was buying at Walmart. I was an honest idiot and said first aid supplies because I was stressed about it. He said "For self harm?" I assured him it was for what happened last night and not anything in the future.

I went back in and bought the stuff. I managed to sit in my car and improvise a way of keeping it closed since I may have mentioned butterfly closures never work for me. I used the tiny scissors on my pocket knife to cut a bandaid to close it and the tape to cover everything. This worked so no stitches.

I was shaking at that point and wasn't sure if it was withdrawal, low blood sugar, or adrenaline. I decided to fix all of the above. First came the liquor store. The one I go to does tastings, and I decided this was a great excuse to drink. I had a sample of wine, which I actually bought because it was pretty delicious. I bought a handle of vodka and 2 pocket shots. I then went to Target. I drank one pocket shot. I bought a diet coke and snack for work and mostly wandered.

I was early to work (earlier than planned) and spent a while in my car. I went inside and waited for the manager to finish an email. This was kinda awkward. We looked for somewhere to talk and went to the attic above the warehouse but she decided people might hear us, so we went outside.

It didn't go as planned but wasn't surprising. She kept fishing for more info and saying if I wasn't totally honest she couldn't do anything. We talked about the supervisor. I explained anything I could think of that he's done and its effects. I said people are anxious and she wanted to know why they worry about making mistakes since we don't have a lot to do and can therefore go slower. I had to think. I said for me and for no logical reason I am convinced I have made one but my supervisor hasn't told me. I said for the others I don't know other than just the atmosphere.

I did end up mentioning the texts. She didn't understand the point of being told what work there is before we get there. She did ask who sends it, and I told her. I did say a lot of it is complaining. I said that is not the person who started this and that I am late being involved and had no idea how this started. She said to ask not to be involved, which I did, and I hope she won't bring it up with anyone.

I also mentioned the complaining. I didn't explain every topic. I didn't say who. I said a lot was the supervisor but did mention some other things. After explaining my stress, the eventual conclusion was that work may be stressful, which I understand, but that non-work at work shouldn't be my problem. This concluded with her saying she knew what she needed to do.

She and the daytime supervisor pulled mine aside. I don't know what happened. He was suddenly nice to us. He didn't really change his behavior. It was a stressful night.

The Deja Vu is that this has happened before. Problems with the supervisor. Problems with gossip. Problems admittedly with the trainee and her attitude, which happened with someone before.

Now I am home and drinking because I am tired and this didn't make me less stressed. I didn't tell her about how poorly I am handling it. I don't know if anyone saw the bandage on my arm. I don't care for now. I don't know what will happen next. I am not sure I want to know. Tonight I am drinking and pretending none of this is happening.

Pocket shots and meetings

Today started poorly. I woke up to 2 texts from my coworker before 9am. The first about a policy change. The second was that they are going to train us to take client calls. I had a sinking feeling. My first thought was to get up and swallow any pills I could find. I decided my apartment is too messy to kill myself, so I put my phone on silent and tried to sleep. It didn't work because my apartment complex was doing something that really sounded like someone was in the apartment. I think it was outside my front door, but I panicked and tried to remember if I deadbolted the door. I made myself decent and looked in the living room. No one. I went back to bed with my heart still racing.

Eventually I got up and drove to go to therapy. I stopped at a liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka and a pocket shot of cherry vodka. I tucked it in my purse. Therapy was mostly about work. She approved of my idea to talk to the manager. I also asked if I could come weekly instead of every 2 weeks. This was a goal from iop.. to either change therapist or ask for more help. She happily agreed and while she is gone next week, after that I am scheduled weekly.

I then had a work meeting. I had to call and listen on speaker phone since I wasn't there. I didn't have time to drive to my parent's house, so I did this in my car (parked not driving). It was about the move and the scheduled date is the 22ND. We got details. They talked about the new policy, which I actually am happy with. Then some stuff about reruns and the client calls. It doesn't sound definite, and they did say they would train us. Still unhappy about it but not panicked.

I went to my parent's house. I texted the manager and asked to talk to her before work tomorrow. I am actually proud of the next 2 things. I asked my parents to go with me to find the new building, so I would know how to get there. I get very stressed driving new places, and I am so relieved to have my dad drive and help me. We also got on the topic of my car registration being expired. I admitted to being terrified of getting it inspected (for no logical reason), and they offered to go with me next week. I never admit these kind of problems to them. They know that I have anxiety but not the specifics. We also talked at dinner about going to a casino in Oklahoma. I mentioned wanting to go after they talked about some trips they are taking. They said we could go sometime if I get a couple days off since I would never go alone. We discussed various games and things about gambling. 

They got into an argument in the car. I honestly agreed with my mom but decided to stick with boundaries and say nothing. I knew she was upset though, so as soon as we got home I asked if she wanted to take the dog for a walk. We had earlier discussed the dog needing exercise. She said yes and we did. We didn't talk about the argument. We talked about the dog and flowers and random things. The dog had a great time. Afterwards, I finished gathering my things and said goodbye. I think I handled this well. My mom was much less upset after the walk. No idea if they continued to argue after I left, but I showed support I think.

Driving home I began obsessing over the conversation with the manager tomorrow. I know what I want to say but not how. I want it to be about me and possibly the other analysts. I don't want it to be just bitching about my supervisor.

I think it should go like this

I have been debating all week about talking to you because I don't want to waste your time. Over the past couple weeks my anxiety has been increasing so much. Some of it isn't about work but a lot of it is.
I am worried about what people think about me. I worry I am slow. I worry that they think I'm lazy. I worry about making mistakes. I worry I have made mistakes. I worry about other people's mistakes.
The atmosphere has gotten so negative at night. People talk about mistakes and fear. They talk about how much work we will have. My supervisor randomly mentions how many samples we have and if we can do them.
What I may say? We try to ask questions and get no answer or snapped at. We have to manage to decide what gets done and when without guidance. He talks about feeling guilty for doing nothing but offers nothing to do, which implies we're all guilty. People focus on mistakes. They focus on whether we will end up closing his QCs and how he will respond.

I told my therapist that I end up feeling bad because we leave late when he's there, so on weekends people want to leave early and I have to say we should do more work because we can be in trouble if we left before midnight when we could do more. They pressure to close the pull when he's still working. They pressure to leave and let the morning do things since they left early. The problem is that I don't want anyone to get in trouble for this talk when he is the one creating this environment.

I drove home also thinking of driving my car into a barrier.. so clearly depressed. I don't know what to say about that.. either in iop of with the manager. I don't know if she's noticed all the spots I've picked at. Some look bloody some might be infected (minor). I considered buying foundation to cover them, but I don't think it will work. I don't know if I should mention drinking. I tend to sum this all up as I am coping with things in unhealthy ways, and I can elaborate if she asks. If she looks at my skin and thinks I am on drugs (doubt this would happen) I can blame the Vyvanse since it is an amphetamine and may well be making things worse.

So wish me luck. I will update tomorrow with what actually happens. I really can't predict what will come out of my mouth. I also have my last day of iop and can at least say I accomplished these 2 goals. I am hoping to get advice about the manager situation and maybe rehearse. Honestly, I am hoping my appearance and behavior are enough to show that I am unwell because then maybe she will understand this is about me and not the supervisor. If she asks how to help, I don't expect help, but maybe in iop they have some ideas. Until then, I am drinking and trying not to self destruct.

Up and down and paranoia

I have had a very mixed day. I didn't work today. I started with iop, and I knew before going it was going to be hard. I have resigned myself to being a disappointment. I am supposed to discharge Friday, and I am still drinking. My mood is worse than when I started. I could ask to stay longer, but I feel it's damaging to other patients who have motivation. So I went in knowing that it would be the same questions about my plans and the therapist expressing his same fears for me. He said something before we processed about it being hard to set boundaries with patients. I can tell he cares and is legitimately concerned for me. I still felt really depressed and detached.

We did an activity where we made a timeline of our lives with the 3 high points and 3 low points. It was pointed out that I left out my childhood. I sometimes feel like I remember less of my childhood than I should. I remember bits and I said I remember always being anxious or sad. I didn't go into a lot I do remember because I'm discharging soon and it seemed a bad idea to try to explain my dysfunctional family and bullying and being lonely in the 10 minutes before break. So I stuck with high school, college, and grad school. It was awkward because there was a new patient who went on about how being accepted to grad school (a high point I said I originally listed as low) was amazing. He wasn't there when I explained the rest of school and how my life fell apart. I also talked about my freshman year of college when I was off meds, not in therapy, but happy. A patient commented on how I was happy without meds and the therapist reminded him that I followed that memory with "and then everything went to hell"... because then I became bulimic and soon ended up in a psych ward.

So then it was process group. The therapist mentioned to the other patients that I discharge Friday. Then he shared with me his fears.. which are basically that I am drinking and depressed and choosing a job that is my major stress. And basically not doing anything about this. I agreed and validated his concerns. I am still hoping to find a new therapist or go more frequently. I am trying new meds but legitimately having trouble keeping up with so many. I talked to my supervisor but not to anyone about him. By this point I felt very detached. I used to basically dissociate in therapy so I could lie and get through with no feelings. This was almost like that. I distanced myself to where I could hear what was said but not feel. I think it was pretty obvious because he ended with asking details about my plans for the day and if I was ok to leave. I was going to my parent's house, and I said that. I didn't say how hopeless I felt.

I admittedly was also distracted. I was very aware of this humming/buzzing sound that I could not decide if it was the lights or something or in my head. I also did see the little light flies at one point. I decided I was dehydrated because I was so overwhelmingly aware of being thirsty before break and my mouth got really dry after. I think that is my meds. I think that the alcohol withdrawal is making me something of a hypochondriac. I didn't want to tell anyone and have them decide I needed to go to a hospital. I also convinced myself I might be getting sick and might have something wrong with my eye.

After group, I went to my parent's house. I didn't feel well. I think my throat hurts from either being dehydrated or throwing up yesterday. I didn't stop for something to drink, so I got to the house and before leaving asked if I could take a pill. I took a gabapentin and downed a glass of water saying how thirsty I was. I don't know if that was odd.. I didn't mention what I took, but technically it was prescribed 3 times a day, which would mean around lunchtime.

I went to lunch with my mom. I had a taco salad sort of thing and she had a different salad. We then went to an outlet mall. We walked probably a couple miles (my Garmin on the way to dinner said 2.8 for the day) and went to at least a dozen stores. She bought me a cardigan and boxer shorts (I wear them as pjs) at the Gap outlet. I bought her a tee at the Lucky brand outlet. They were buy one get one half off, and I thought it would be nice to pay. Then I bought a cute scrub top with skulls on it at this uniform store. She also bought an electric kettle at a kitchen store. We went to several other stores without buying anything. We talked about her work/retirement, my work, my dad, and various things. It was actually nice. I felt a bit off physically and was happy when we bought a bottle of water half way around.. it's basically a giant circle of stores.

We stopped for a diet coke after and went back to their house. We played with our dog (I still think of her as ours even though I don't live there). This dog was so terrified of everything and everyone when we got her. It was the summer between graduating high school and college. She went to a special trainer where I remember her being scared of treats that were near a toy. She had to be carried into the yard because she wouldn't walk through the door. Today she rushed passed my mom into the yard. She chased treats we threw. She nuzzled my leg after being brushed. I know this is many years later and she's been happy and acting this way for years, but I am still occasionally struck by the transformation. She's getting old (we got her in 2004) and I love to see the happy, spoiled dog that came from the terrified thing we adopted. Sorry, that was a tangent, but it really brightened my day when she rubbed her head against my leg.

We went to dinner. I was a bit paranoid that they were looking at me strangely. I later decided that perhaps this is because I so rarely make eye contact with people anymore. At group, I can manage a few seconds before looking at myself or the floor. I think when I try to have a whole conversation that the unfamiliarity of that connection feels strange. I could be wrong. They could be thinking that I am crazy, but I think this might be mostly me.

I had dinner and then went home. I stopped at this tiny liquor store by their house. The guy welcomed me (called me beautiful lady) and when I checked out said he hadn't seen me lately. That was awkward. I just said I hadn't been around. I have previously told him I don't live around there.. I think he asked? He's the talkative type, and I am awkward. So yeah.. that was weird. Also they don't sell my usual vodka, so I am drinking something slightly more expensive tonight. I couldn't handle the big liquor store near them (same chain as in my town), and this was the next safest choice. I know I need to stop. I drove home and several times on the highway thought I am not sure I want to live. I think of the part in the book Wasted where she talks about how life is too long a time... and I can't remember the rest, but it sums it up. I never expected to be 29.. honestly thought I'd die by 18, so everything since has been a challenge. I don't know what I want. I didn't really make goals for the next ___ years because I always assumed I would be dead. I will be 30 in September. I think that's part of the problem. I cannot believe that I am expected to live 30, 40, 50, 60 more years of this shit. Just not.

Sinking

So my mood took a dive after my last post. IOP was hard. I talked about work and somehow explaining it made it all seem hopeless. He asked if I was willing to do something, but there's little I can do. Quitting is not an option. I need the money. I can't change other people. I did mention talking to the manager. They seemed to like that idea. Then I ended up listening to them (therapist and patients) express concern about me. A patient said she hates to see me like this. I left hating myself. 

I didn't plan to go to the liquor store. I went looking for makeup to maybe hide some places my skin looks awful. Then I got a group text about something with them cleaning off people's desks. I really don't know.. but my thought was basically fuck it. I hate this. I went to the liquor store and then to work. 

It was unpleasant. I didn't have the guts to talk to the manager. I do still feel I got some weird looks from people. I put concealer on the big spots on my neck and wore a 3/4 sleeve tee under my scrubs to cover my upper arms, but I have big patches on my face that I picked at. I really hope they don't think I'm on drugs. 

My supervisor said nothing about the weekend. However, he asked if we missed him more than once (we kinda ignored that). He asked what it was like working with the other supervisor. My coworker said it was different. He joked that he didn't want to know how, but you could tell he was bothered. There was more like that. 

We also talked about pharmacies. My supervisor worked at one. He gave my coworker advice about getting a medication. She and I discussed the awkward pharmacist who works at the pharmacy at night. I like him because he's as bad at eye contact and small talk as I am. My supervisor and I discussed how he's better than the weird cashiers. I did however talk about picking up prescriptions and it probably was strange. I mentioned one I dropped off that I had a coupon for but the coupon may not have been put in correctly. My supervisor mentioned that sometimes they fill it early so it won't work. I said it was a dated prescription.. Vyvanse is a controlled substance so it's even more regulated. Anyway.. it was probably a conversation I should have stayed out of. I also mentioned having a blog after my coworker told him he should start a YouTube channel after he joked he'd like to quit and just repair lawnmowers (not really appropriate at work?). She asked about the blog, and I said I only let strangers read it. Thankfully nobody asked more. 

After a while my mood felt like I was sinking. I curled up in my desk chair hugging my knees, which probably isn't normal office behavior. I then went to the conference room sat in a corner and stared at the wall. I almost cried. I was pretty numb after that. I did my work. I curled up in my chair. I just feel utterly hopeless. It seems like iop feels like everyone has given up on me, and I don't care. I don't care. I've given up too. I am beyond stressed. My apartment is a mess. I'm a mess. I really don't know how to fix this. 

And yet.. I emailed my mom about going shopping Wednesday. I sent her a picture of Nermal and joked a bit. It feels fake, but I want some normalcy? So here is a picture of Nermal and her reflection. Hopefully this works because I can never get pictures to upload from my phone. 

Detox update

I wanted to update in case anyone might be worried by the last post about detox. I survived night one. Not gonna lie. It was scary. I took some extra meds (gabapentin) and laid in bed. I started having chest pains and sweating. I had some tremors. At one point I stood up and almost felt like I would pass out. Eventually it got better and I managed a couple hours sleep. My cats were super sweet and I think knew I wasn't feeling well. A purring cat seems to help. Now my chest is a little tight but not too bad. I'm at iop now. I will see how today goes. Don't worry. I will go to the hospital if it gets worse. I did consider it last night. Mainly I wondered if I could go in and get meds for detox and not have them put me in the psych ward.. like just stay in medical. I don't know if that would work, so I will try to just take it easy.

Day one

So I succeeded in not buying alcohol. I technically still have 30 minutes before they stop selling alcohol, but I'm at home and not going to leave.

Work was terrible again. My supervisor still hadn't done his qc cases. I texted him and he said he was tied up with family stuff. No clue what that means. Tomorrow he will be there, and I don't expect it to be pleasant. Either he will be overly nice to make up for it or silent and awkward. Also, I know that I probably look unwell. My skin is a mess and I can't stop picking. I know I am acting strange. I keep checking my skin for bugs. My hair is falling out every time I run my hands through it. My coworkers haven't commented and I've only actually told one about my problems. However, my supervisor and manager know. I haven't been around them much, but now my supervisor will be there. I also might see the manager.

I am taking this a minute at a time. I still have to make it through the night and iop tomorrow. Hopefully it will be ok.

Cause for concern

Work was awful. So much complaining. My coworkers were all discussing how unfair everything is and how we're mistreated. I didn't participate. I sat in another room for some of it. I did briefly complain about something my supervisor did.. basically he started his qc cases late and then messaged me he probably wasn't going to finish them. That means we couldn't do the pull of unclosed cases. I already knew that it was ridiculously long. I basically responded with ok because I was too angry to manage more than a one word response.

One of the times I walked back into the room during the complaining, I started seeing spots.. or stars.. or I normally would describe them as flies made of light because they remind me of fruit flies. It's happened before after I purged. I was just standing still. I was legitimately concerned because I think I've read somewhere that it can happen before a seizure and I already had tremors and other withdrawal symptoms. I also kept feeling like there were bugs on me. All of this is probably why I was frustrated with my coworkers. It's hard to be patient with people while feeling like shit. I couldn't really tell anyone what was going on though I think they were aware I was unhappy.

I don't know how to make this complaining stop. I considered telling the manager but I don't want them to get in trouble. Even if I didn't say who said what, she could get upset.

In other news, I didn't go to the liquor store today, and they're closed Sunday. I could still buy alcohol, but I am going to try not to. I can at least try. I actually didn't finish the vodka left. I think I had 12 shots? And dumped the rest. I started thinking I could drink the leftover tomorrow, but that just prolongs the drinking. I am torn about the idea of not drinking. I know drinking less will help? So I will see what happens

A rant and a question

I apologize because I am repeating myself probably. I just need to.
I am going crazy. I am anxious non stop about everything.
I am worried about my drinking.
I am worried about withdrawal.
I am worried about the future.
I am worried about work.
I am worried I will make a mistake.
I am worried I already have.
I am worried about missing some update.
I am worried people talk about me when I am not there.
I am worried I am slow.
I worry that they think I'm lazy.
I worry that they know I'm anxious and think I shouldn't work there.
I am worried about other people's mistakes and questions and gossip and speed and laziness.
I am worried about iop and that the therapist has recommended inpatient. I hate how he keeps reminding me that their intake center is open 24/7. He added so are emergency rooms and rehab. I get his concern but it only leaves me feeling worse.

I have picked so many holes in my skin today. I itch. I am convinced there are bugs on me when I can see there aren't. I somehow convinced myself I have lice even though I haven't seen anything other than dandruff. Plus, I am tearing up my scalp by scratching. My hair keeps falling out. I got asked several times by the daytime supervisor if I was ok. I finally just said I had a rough day.

I kinda want to tell the manager or my supervisor so someone knows that I am so anxious. I didn't want to tell the daytime supervisor because I haven't told her any personal stuff and don't know what she knows. But is telling a good idea? I don't expect them to fix it. I just feel like keeping it inside makes it worse. I also know I am self destructive and a little suicidal and nobody knows that. I couldn't convince myself to bring it up in iop since he's already recommended inpatient.

So I am telling it here, and I am debating telling someone at work. Maybe there's something they can say or do to help. I won't know unless I say something. Also maybe telling is better than visibly seeming crazy but lying and claiming to be fine? Opinions welcome

Breathalyzer

You're probably all aware that I make poor choices and that my priorities are pretty fucked up.. so this won't seem too surprising.

I got off work at midnight and started drinking when I got home. I had 8-10 drinks, which is less than usual but probably still a lot to most people. I stayed up until 3ish, knowing that I had IOP today at 9. That is why I drank less.

I got up after briefly debating staying home and skipping group. I knew I wasn't fully sober yet and that maybe I shouldn't drive. I decided it would be fine.

I got to iop safely. The drive was fine, and I was tired but alert. The usual therapist is back. After a couple people processed, he asked how I was doing and said I didn't look well. I had noticed him watching me and we had awkwardly made eye contact a couple times. He asked if I had been drinking. I don't know if the other therapist had talked to him. I said yes. He then asked several other questions like when I relapsed, when was my last drink, and how much I drank. I was honest. He said the nurse would have to do a breathalyzer. He recommended rehab or inpatient. I said I wasn't interested in either.

The nurse pulled me out of group. She said she would need to breathalyze me and I asked what would happen after. She said if I was drunk they would take my keys, and if I tried to leave call the police. I would have to stay until my blood alcohol was zero or have someone pick me up. I did the test and it was .06, which is not legally intoxicated. I was a little frustrated giving her my keys since I can technically legally drive with that, but it wasn't worth arguing. She talked about treatment options. I was upset because she commented on the scars on my arms and pulled my sleeve up, which made me super uncomfortable. I don't like being touched by strangers. She was asking about the spots I've picked at. I get that she's a nurse and so was concerned something is wrong with my skin. I gave her my keys and went back to group. I realized later that I wish people understood and what I should probably explain about my skin is the idea of cause and effect they have is wrong. While I will pick at bumps like hives or bug bites, I also pick at spots, scabs, pores, and hair follicles. That means I don't necessarily pick at my skin because of the bumps. I generally have bumps and scabs because I pick, so I wish they would just leave it alone and not ask so many questions. I am self conscious enough already.

My current plan is to stay through lunch and the hour after (which is normally just for people doing php) and then hopefully my blood alcohol will be zero. If not I guess I will try to get a ride. I'm already super embarrassed about this. I know it's my own fault for coming to group not sober. I feel more sober now than when I got here. After break, the therapist asked about the test and asked if I needed some water, so I am wondering if I look ill. He seemed concerned. I gave some feedback during process group that seemed well received, so I hope he realizes that I am motivated or at least trying. The program director also talked to me about whether I was willing to do detox and if I am willing/able not to drink while doing iop. I said I would try. I know I at least need to come to group sober Friday. I feel like a pretty terrible person right now. I know that I've made poor choices lately. I am supposed to see my psychiatrist later, and I am so tempted to cancel so I don't have to talk about what's going on. I don't know if I have enough meds to put off seeing him though, and I do wonder if changing meds could help. For now I am focusing on surviving the next hour and a half and hopefully getting my keys back.

**Edited** adding to this instead of another post. I managed the next couple hours. I talked more in group, and it was really hard. The therapist talked about his concern for me and asked about my plans for if I don't go inpatient or residential. He talked about withdrawal. He talked about my excuse being work which is also my major stress. He's right. I didn't tell him that I don't know if I want to live sometimes, so I definitely don't know if I want to stay sober. After group, the nurse did the breathalyzer again and it thankfully said zero, so I got my keys and left. I stopped for lunch, and out of nowhere started to feel terrified. The words anxious or fearful don't do justice to this feeling. I don't know what it's about exactly. I don't know if I am terrified of the drinking or sobriety or life or myself, but I honestly considered going back to the hospital because I know I had the brief thought that I was scared what I might do. It was this sort of fear of the future that makes me feel like I must do something to make it stop. For now, I am buying vodka. I see my psychiatrist in a little over an hour, which is probably good. I will try to be honest and hope this feeling passes. I know I could (and probably should) call someone, but I can very much tell that my brain doesn't want me to tell anyone because I don't want to talk about it or even think about whatever scares me. I have felt this before and generally fixed it with alcohol or food. I was going to go home and clean later, but I will probably just lock myself in my apartment and drink until I black out. It sounds like a better plan.

Editing again... psych appointment went well. I didn't tell him that I was worried about manipulating him, but I was honest. I corrected the lie from last time about never being prescribed stimulants, and I explained about the time I was on Ritalin and how it made me really agitated. I didn't ask him to continue/stop/change anything and just answered questions honestly and let him decide what to do. He ended up increasing the Vyvanse because it has been wearing off at night. He also added some new antidepressant to try to help my anxiety. He showed me some article that discusses major depressive disorder with mixed features as being a new thing in the DSM 5. It's basically major depression with something like hypomania and this increasing difficulty to treat, suicide attempts, substance abuse, etc. It sounds like me. I think this came up because I spent the appointment staring at my hands and picking at it and he commented on me being very agitated. I have had other doctors discuss the possibility of me being bipolar, but I've never really been manic. I just have a lot of anxiety and nervous energy. So he's trying me on Zoloft and Latuda (not sure if that's spelled right). I still wish I could get actual anxiety meds, but I am willing to try this instead of trying to get benzos. I'm kinda proud of myself for that and for being honest. I go back in 3 weeks to see if it's helping. I got home and thought over the appointment to see if I missed any lies, and I don't think I did. I decided I am going to ask to do another week of iop instead of discharge Friday, so I have support while I try the new meds. I am less terrified now. I am drinking, but I feel a bit better.

Work, work, work

Things at work seem to be getting worse rather than better. The weekend involved a lot of complaining. My supervisor came in Saturday and it was worse than usual. There was a problem with the reports not going to the online portal. I was the person who noticed while trying to deal with another problem. He really didn't show any interest in either big problem. He apparently got an upset response when he asked the manager about fixing the portal problem. Although, I don't know what she said. He had offered to help us since we're short staffed but ended up leaving without helping. Now apparently he is working day shift this week to learn about fixing problems and some other stuff. This is good in that he won't be around as much and bad because I hate change and working with a different supervisor is scary.

I had a rough weekend in terms of drinking and blacking out and almost being late to work because I slept late. Today I had a super uncomfortable day at IOP. The substitute therapist was still there and pulled me aside during break after I admitted in group what was going on. We had the dreaded higher level of care discussion where she asked if I needed to go inpatient and I said no. I honestly feel like I won't be that much safer. I also said doing php would probably just mean being more exhausted and less able to cope with work. She was going to talk to the other therapist about it, so I guess I will see what he recommends.

I must say I am not hiding my anxiety well. I have been picking at my skin constantly, even at work. That also means people may see scars on my arms. The boss waved to me as she left today which made my paranoid mind wonder if they have been talking about me or noticing things. Not sure how a wave can make me paranoid, but I have been constantly watching people's facial expressions too.

At least tomorrow I should be able to sleep in. I just hope the therapist doesn't call. I don't want to deal with anything tomorrow. Wednesday I see my psychiatrist and will have to decide how honest to be. I haven't decided.

I did survive the first night with the daytime supervisor. She is so different than my normal supervisor. She helped export, import, and close cases. She had me create a form for her and thanked me enthusiastically. I did have to look up some stuff on how to do some things in Microsoft word that I have never done. She also organized and restocked office supplies. She didn't answer a single one of my questions with "do what you want to do". So it went well until a coworker started talking about getting a warning for some minor mistakes. I have only had one  mistake brought up on a closed report, and it wasn't a warning (and honestly I have no clue what I did wrong and neither did anyone else I asked), and I haven't been written up. I still panic when it happens to anyone else because consequences are pretty serious for any mistakes, and people gossip and discuss everything that happens. So after that I went back to being anxious and worrying if the supervisor was doing things because she thought I was lazy. We did get to leave before midnight. Hopefully tomorrow will be ok. Supposedly, she is also working at night to see how things could go more smoothly. I am kinda hoping my supervisor also snaps at some people while the manager is around, but he's probably on his best behavior around her. I wonder if she really believes us about how he acts. Some people are considering talking to her, but it's not like it helped before.