I feel kinda weird today. Not sure why or exactly what weird means. I think I have in my mind that I will stop drinking after today. My new sobriety will be January 1st 2015, which is awfully cliche. Still.. somehow. I think liquor stores are closed on new years anyway.
On top of that, weather is looking to be bad tonight. Compared to some people reading this, weather here is nothing compared to yours. The problem is in Texas, USA, we have no snow plows, we don't really salt the roads, we don't do snow tires or chains or any sort of adaptation for winter. So tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be freezing rain/ice, which means the roads will be awful/dangerous. But the temperature won't get below 28 F
I was planning to go to my parents house tomorrow for dinner, but I really hate driving on icy roads. Annoying because I want to do laundry at my parents house because it doesn't require me getting money. Also, generally this sort of weather makes me a bit crazy. Last winter, there were a few days where that I couldn't move my car. There was enough ice around the tires that I could not move it if I wanted to, and I go a bit crazy trapped at home for more than a day. I know as soon as I could drive, I drove to the liquor store.
This is not a desperate need. I went out today and got groceries. Admittedly, I bought an odd variety. If I go shopping while not hungry, I buy odd things. Frozen soft pretzel bites= great. White bean, spinach, feta burrito= not so good. I have a few other things to try. The goal was to have something at least in case I get stuck here.
I am still hoping to stop drinking. I know my behavior does not match that intent, but alcohol has really fucked up my life. I know I cannot keep living this way. I finally went and filled the prescription for blood pressure medication that was prescribed while I was in the hospital. It is not the medicine for detox, but it would help. So I did fill it. I am trying to be aware of how I am feeling and be willing to get help if needed even if it involves hospitalization.
Random, I was slowly making progress with my gerbil. I got her to take a treat from me (not through the bars) without biting. Then I went to add more bedding. My apartment is cold, and I read they like to burrow, so I wanted to add more bedding. Well, she climbed up on the door of the cage, and somehow in the whole event fell from there to the floor. It took a couple attempts to catch her. My cat was more disturbed than interested in catching her. I actually managed to pick her up because she bit and latched onto my finger. Whatever.. I got her back in the cage.
Is it weird that I judge my value as a human being by my ability to care for a rodent? and two felines. Pets in general. In the same way (to a much less extent) my video games reflect who I am. Every outside thing tells me who I am inside. That's the only way I can figure it out.
I did learn a lesson about making sure the gerbil is nowhere near the door of the cage. She is obsessed with escaping, and it is not in her best interest to be free in the apartment. The cage will be guarded. She will get treats (almonds and apple chips I don't think she likes) and I will try to find things to keep her entertained. If I am making this a metaphor for my life, I will not give up. I will try to figure out what is best.
Today I will be happy that while I am drunk, I am safely home in my apartment. While there were some issues, my dear gerbil is back in her cage and seems happy. Everything seems ok, and that is good enough.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Judgmental friends
Over the past year or so, my list of friends has dwindled to only a very few that I actually ever see. I think alcohol plays a large role in this because I generally prefer to spend my evenings drinking alone. Anything that interferes with that makes me anxious or irritated. For a long time, I saw two of my friends (and their son) weekly, but that hasn't been happening as often.
Some of this is that I go to AA so much or I get wrapped up with school, and I just don't have the energy to interact with people. This friend I have known for at least a decade and her husband for 6 years or so. She has watched me through every addiction. She was there in high school when the self harm started. She was there in college when the bulimia started. She was there when the alcoholism started. She's seen me go in and out of treatment and hospitals.
The thing is that she still doesn't understand the reality of this. Sometime last year, I had asked to stay at their house for a few days to stop drinking. She started asking me about going to treatment. She was talking about going somewhere longer term.. not just a couple weeks. She's brought it up periodically since then. I was there Christmas Eve, and I was admittedly shaking.. I had drank one or two days since leaving the hospital, which is a LOT less than I had before. I really was just unsteady in general because of stress. Anyway, she and her husband would ask how I was doing. She does it with this facial expression that looks like pity or something. It makes me think of how people look at children. I was trying to say that I had been doing better. That things were ok because things really were going better. I also just really didn't want to talk about it. I really feel judged when I talk to them. I get that I have been very, very sick, but I don't think they see any progress.
Sometime she asked about grad school and if I was considering long term treatment after graduation. She does NOT understand the financial problems involved. I owe a few thousand dollars to a couple hospitals already. If I graduate and go to treatment
1. I would not be working to pay rent
2. I would not be working to have health insurance
3. I would not have any way to pay for treatment
She mentioned someone she worked with (I think that's who it was) going for several months to a treatment center. It was one of the treatment centers that doesn't take insurance. She does not understand the tens of thousands of dollars that costs.
Another friend I ate lunch with Saturday. She was asking about how things are. I couldn't even make eye contact. I hate when people ask if they could help because I know they can't. I hate that searching look when people try to figure out if I'm lying. She asked if I was considering going to rehab, and I just don't have time to go now. Even if I could afford it.
Really, I hate these questions because even I don't know what the fuck I should be doing. I am scared. I would absolutely love to be able to stop my life and go away somewhere. I would love to have someone else in control. I would love to have the money to go to a nice treatment center and not worry about insurance giving out. I would love to do what my friends are asking. It just isn't possible. On the 12th school starts again and I start working.
I am so tired. I am purging more and more. Today I didn't eat until almost 8pm, so my stomach is upset. I had planned to drink, but I've only had a few shots because I feel sick.
I went to 2 AA meetings today. I do wonder why I go. The meeting at 6 my mind was having this argument because I desperately wanted to drink but I also desperately did not want to eat anything. (the story at the end might help explain why I didn't feel like eating). The chairperson was a guy I really don't like, but he was nice today. He asked quietly if I wanted to share rather than just calling on me. He always calls on me. I think he thinks I can't speak because I never talk at the meetings he chairs. He's also been an asshole in other ways. I left and got vodka and got dinner, but I think made a poor choice about where to go. Yesterday, I went to a freaking buffet to binge at lunch time. I also purged my actual lunch.
I hate my life. I really do. I've been feeling a bit suicidal today. Driving I would think about swerving into oncoming traffic. I have this obsession with feeling the veins in my arms. Wondering how far below the skin they are. I am not going to do something, but the thoughts are there.
*trigger warning/ gross story*
I guess I did get sick last night. Not entirely sure how much I drank, but I apparently vomited on the floor of my bedroom, so I got to try to clean that up today. My apartment is in such terrible shape, and I don't even know where to start on cleaning. I honestly think I drink sometimes to feel better about that.
Some of this is that I go to AA so much or I get wrapped up with school, and I just don't have the energy to interact with people. This friend I have known for at least a decade and her husband for 6 years or so. She has watched me through every addiction. She was there in high school when the self harm started. She was there in college when the bulimia started. She was there when the alcoholism started. She's seen me go in and out of treatment and hospitals.
The thing is that she still doesn't understand the reality of this. Sometime last year, I had asked to stay at their house for a few days to stop drinking. She started asking me about going to treatment. She was talking about going somewhere longer term.. not just a couple weeks. She's brought it up periodically since then. I was there Christmas Eve, and I was admittedly shaking.. I had drank one or two days since leaving the hospital, which is a LOT less than I had before. I really was just unsteady in general because of stress. Anyway, she and her husband would ask how I was doing. She does it with this facial expression that looks like pity or something. It makes me think of how people look at children. I was trying to say that I had been doing better. That things were ok because things really were going better. I also just really didn't want to talk about it. I really feel judged when I talk to them. I get that I have been very, very sick, but I don't think they see any progress.
Sometime she asked about grad school and if I was considering long term treatment after graduation. She does NOT understand the financial problems involved. I owe a few thousand dollars to a couple hospitals already. If I graduate and go to treatment
1. I would not be working to pay rent
2. I would not be working to have health insurance
3. I would not have any way to pay for treatment
She mentioned someone she worked with (I think that's who it was) going for several months to a treatment center. It was one of the treatment centers that doesn't take insurance. She does not understand the tens of thousands of dollars that costs.
Another friend I ate lunch with Saturday. She was asking about how things are. I couldn't even make eye contact. I hate when people ask if they could help because I know they can't. I hate that searching look when people try to figure out if I'm lying. She asked if I was considering going to rehab, and I just don't have time to go now. Even if I could afford it.
Really, I hate these questions because even I don't know what the fuck I should be doing. I am scared. I would absolutely love to be able to stop my life and go away somewhere. I would love to have someone else in control. I would love to have the money to go to a nice treatment center and not worry about insurance giving out. I would love to do what my friends are asking. It just isn't possible. On the 12th school starts again and I start working.
I am so tired. I am purging more and more. Today I didn't eat until almost 8pm, so my stomach is upset. I had planned to drink, but I've only had a few shots because I feel sick.
I went to 2 AA meetings today. I do wonder why I go. The meeting at 6 my mind was having this argument because I desperately wanted to drink but I also desperately did not want to eat anything. (the story at the end might help explain why I didn't feel like eating). The chairperson was a guy I really don't like, but he was nice today. He asked quietly if I wanted to share rather than just calling on me. He always calls on me. I think he thinks I can't speak because I never talk at the meetings he chairs. He's also been an asshole in other ways. I left and got vodka and got dinner, but I think made a poor choice about where to go. Yesterday, I went to a freaking buffet to binge at lunch time. I also purged my actual lunch.
I hate my life. I really do. I've been feeling a bit suicidal today. Driving I would think about swerving into oncoming traffic. I have this obsession with feeling the veins in my arms. Wondering how far below the skin they are. I am not going to do something, but the thoughts are there.
*trigger warning/ gross story*
I guess I did get sick last night. Not entirely sure how much I drank, but I apparently vomited on the floor of my bedroom, so I got to try to clean that up today. My apartment is in such terrible shape, and I don't even know where to start on cleaning. I honestly think I drink sometimes to feel better about that.
Friday, December 26, 2014
3 days of Christmas
Don't know about 12 days of Christmas, but I had to manage 3 in a row this year. Christmas Eve was presents with friends and then church. Christmas day was AA and then baking with my mom. The 26th was actual gifts, dinner, and a bit of shopping with family.
I have not been real enthusiastic about seeing anyone lately. Between my attempts at sobriety and my relapse with bulimia, I would love to be left alone. It would also be bad to be left alone. I would still love it.
On December 23rd, I relapsed with drinking. I went through most of a bottle of vodka. I think I blacked out... not real sure. I did go to AA at noon, but then I did a bit of Christmas shopping and went to the liquor store. I did enjoy it, but the next day I regretted it. I had planned this relapse so that if I got rid of the vodka after finishing for the night, I'd be at church too late on christmas eve to buy more, and Christmas liquor stores are closed. I didn't finish the bottle, but I didn't drink the next day.
So Christmas Eve, I was just stressed. I went to AA. Then I needed to exchange presents with my friends and their 2 year old son. I also needed to make food for a church potluck. I was not really sure about the potluck, but I felt I should go. Last year I was in rehab over christmas. The year before.. I remember being late. I don't remember if it was that day or good friday I went outside and started crying before i managed to pull myself together enough to eat.
Well, I was running late with traffic. I stopped to buy ingredients for the fruit salad I was making plus a bowl to mix it in because I forgot to bring one. This day is part of the nativity fast for my church, so the meal is no meat or dairy, which is why I picked fruit. Well, I get to their house and in gathering bags from my car, I drop the bag with the glass bowl in it. I oddly enough have another bowl in the trunk of my car from some occasion or another. There son was throwing a tantrum, so I was in the kitchen for a while before we could do presents. My hands were shaking some, but they hadn't been earlier and they were ok after this, so I don't know if it was alcohol.
Presents were exchanged. I got a cool tshirt. They got some measuring cups and practical stuff. Their son I gave a tricycle. I had meant to buy it for his birthday, but that was while I was unemployed. They liked that. He liked the measuring cups, but I'm sure he'll like the tricycle once assembled.
I survived the potluck. I waited until most people had gone to get food. I was a little uncomfortable because some families had brought wine. The normal Christmas eve liturgy was at 7. Then at around 10, there was a 2nd service. Only about 8 of us stayed for it. I was a little uncomfortable with that few people and with sharing a music stand and books (switching back and forth between 4 booklets) with someone. I declined holding a candle in case my hands would shake. Last Good Friday, the woman sharing the music with me had to hold it because my hands were shaking so badly. It ended up being good. Didn't get home until after midnight.
Christmas day, my sponsor convinced me to help heat up and transfer food to AA for the potluck sort of lunch there. It was frustrating because 1. I was supposed to pick up one woman and sat waiting in my car for over 10 minutes until she was ready 2. The other woman who was supposed to come was around an hour late and 3. my sponsor's boyfriend Kenny was there. He enjoys questioning me and making me talk because I was so quiet for so long. It makes me really uncomfortable at times. He's not inappropriate. I just don't like talking around some people. We managed to get everything ready. I went to the noon meeting and quickly left before the food was served at 1. I had mentioned this to my sponsor (she knows about the ED) but Kenny kind of commented on it. I just said I had to go and gave him a hug when he asked.
The day at my parent's house was ok. There was some drama over not having all the ingredients for one recipe and nowhere being open on Christmas. It all settled eventually. I woke up on the 26th and when my brother got their we opened gifts. I got some nice things. Also got a gift card because one thing I want is a new laptop. I am paying for a portion of it, plus they didn't want to pick for me, so I got a gift card.
After that, my mom and I went searching for another Christmas tree. A small one to add to what they have. We found that, and I had also been talking about buying a gerbil. Well, originally I wanted a rat, but I guess you're usually supposed to have a pair or a lot of free time. Plus, I'd need a new/bigger cage. I didn't want a hamster because the big ones are not that cute, and the dwarf ones are mean. Like enjoy the taste of human flesh mean (my mom had one and then a pair of another kind later). So I wanted a gerbil. My mom still had the hamster cage since her last one died (old age), so I just needed food, bedding, and the gerbil. We looked at 1 pet store, but I didn't like the ones there very much. I also kinda wanted a female (if you've seen male hamsters you'd understand why visually females are preferable). We went to a 2nd store, and I picked one out.
I took her home and set up the cage and put her in. I tried feeding her part of a carrot later, and she bit me pretty hard. For now, I am not picking her up until she is less stressed. She has a nice cage, bedding, food, plus the carrot piece I dropped and a piece of graham cracker I dropped in after the rid home.
So I survived 3 days of friends, strangers, and family. I am drinking tonight, so maybe not survived well. I was stressed in part because I didn't leave my parent's house until after 10. I also looked at the weather forecast and I am supposed to have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and it is also supposed to rain. The front tires on my car are awful and need to be replaced. I made an appointment to go tomorrow.
I found the photo of what happened with the car. Since then, the plastic part that is actually touching the tire was cut off, but the metal is still maybe an inch from the tire. That is why going makes me anxious. It doesn't seem to hurt the tire. Both sides are equally bad (only one is messed up). It's just making sure they believe this. I mean.. this happened 7 months ago (looked at date on the email to my dad).
So I am drinking. I hate my car. I am hoping the gerbil chills out.. but not expecting that to be instant considering she now lives with 2 cats that cannot reach the cage, but she can hear.
So a couple bad photos. My phone camera is being weird, and she doesn't stand still.The cage is on one of my bookshelves with protective books beside it so even if my cat could reach the top shelves, he has no place to jump. I think her name is Stormy. Both her and Odd would then be named after the same series of books (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz)
I have not been real enthusiastic about seeing anyone lately. Between my attempts at sobriety and my relapse with bulimia, I would love to be left alone. It would also be bad to be left alone. I would still love it.
On December 23rd, I relapsed with drinking. I went through most of a bottle of vodka. I think I blacked out... not real sure. I did go to AA at noon, but then I did a bit of Christmas shopping and went to the liquor store. I did enjoy it, but the next day I regretted it. I had planned this relapse so that if I got rid of the vodka after finishing for the night, I'd be at church too late on christmas eve to buy more, and Christmas liquor stores are closed. I didn't finish the bottle, but I didn't drink the next day.
So Christmas Eve, I was just stressed. I went to AA. Then I needed to exchange presents with my friends and their 2 year old son. I also needed to make food for a church potluck. I was not really sure about the potluck, but I felt I should go. Last year I was in rehab over christmas. The year before.. I remember being late. I don't remember if it was that day or good friday I went outside and started crying before i managed to pull myself together enough to eat.
Well, I was running late with traffic. I stopped to buy ingredients for the fruit salad I was making plus a bowl to mix it in because I forgot to bring one. This day is part of the nativity fast for my church, so the meal is no meat or dairy, which is why I picked fruit. Well, I get to their house and in gathering bags from my car, I drop the bag with the glass bowl in it. I oddly enough have another bowl in the trunk of my car from some occasion or another. There son was throwing a tantrum, so I was in the kitchen for a while before we could do presents. My hands were shaking some, but they hadn't been earlier and they were ok after this, so I don't know if it was alcohol.
Presents were exchanged. I got a cool tshirt. They got some measuring cups and practical stuff. Their son I gave a tricycle. I had meant to buy it for his birthday, but that was while I was unemployed. They liked that. He liked the measuring cups, but I'm sure he'll like the tricycle once assembled.
I survived the potluck. I waited until most people had gone to get food. I was a little uncomfortable because some families had brought wine. The normal Christmas eve liturgy was at 7. Then at around 10, there was a 2nd service. Only about 8 of us stayed for it. I was a little uncomfortable with that few people and with sharing a music stand and books (switching back and forth between 4 booklets) with someone. I declined holding a candle in case my hands would shake. Last Good Friday, the woman sharing the music with me had to hold it because my hands were shaking so badly. It ended up being good. Didn't get home until after midnight.
Christmas day, my sponsor convinced me to help heat up and transfer food to AA for the potluck sort of lunch there. It was frustrating because 1. I was supposed to pick up one woman and sat waiting in my car for over 10 minutes until she was ready 2. The other woman who was supposed to come was around an hour late and 3. my sponsor's boyfriend Kenny was there. He enjoys questioning me and making me talk because I was so quiet for so long. It makes me really uncomfortable at times. He's not inappropriate. I just don't like talking around some people. We managed to get everything ready. I went to the noon meeting and quickly left before the food was served at 1. I had mentioned this to my sponsor (she knows about the ED) but Kenny kind of commented on it. I just said I had to go and gave him a hug when he asked.
The day at my parent's house was ok. There was some drama over not having all the ingredients for one recipe and nowhere being open on Christmas. It all settled eventually. I woke up on the 26th and when my brother got their we opened gifts. I got some nice things. Also got a gift card because one thing I want is a new laptop. I am paying for a portion of it, plus they didn't want to pick for me, so I got a gift card.
After that, my mom and I went searching for another Christmas tree. A small one to add to what they have. We found that, and I had also been talking about buying a gerbil. Well, originally I wanted a rat, but I guess you're usually supposed to have a pair or a lot of free time. Plus, I'd need a new/bigger cage. I didn't want a hamster because the big ones are not that cute, and the dwarf ones are mean. Like enjoy the taste of human flesh mean (my mom had one and then a pair of another kind later). So I wanted a gerbil. My mom still had the hamster cage since her last one died (old age), so I just needed food, bedding, and the gerbil. We looked at 1 pet store, but I didn't like the ones there very much. I also kinda wanted a female (if you've seen male hamsters you'd understand why visually females are preferable). We went to a 2nd store, and I picked one out.
I took her home and set up the cage and put her in. I tried feeding her part of a carrot later, and she bit me pretty hard. For now, I am not picking her up until she is less stressed. She has a nice cage, bedding, food, plus the carrot piece I dropped and a piece of graham cracker I dropped in after the rid home.
So I survived 3 days of friends, strangers, and family. I am drinking tonight, so maybe not survived well. I was stressed in part because I didn't leave my parent's house until after 10. I also looked at the weather forecast and I am supposed to have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and it is also supposed to rain. The front tires on my car are awful and need to be replaced. I made an appointment to go tomorrow.
So I am drinking. I hate my car. I am hoping the gerbil chills out.. but not expecting that to be instant considering she now lives with 2 cats that cannot reach the cage, but she can hear.
So a couple bad photos. My phone camera is being weird, and she doesn't stand still.The cage is on one of my bookshelves with protective books beside it so even if my cat could reach the top shelves, he has no place to jump. I think her name is Stormy. Both her and Odd would then be named after the same series of books (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz)
Monday, December 22, 2014
Bulimia strikes again *trigger warning*
Things are definitely going downhill. 2 weeks sober from alcohol, but otherwise I'm a mess. This is probably all going to be very triggering because I feel like being honest
After the whole self harm discussion (see last post), I went home and ended up with cuts (shallow/small) all the way from my knee to the top of my thigh.. I stopped counting at some point. Saturday I stayed with my parents, but I have a nice bruise on my arm that was self inflicted. I then bought fresher blades on my way home Sunday. So clearly, that's not going well.
Then there's the eating disorder. I did ok Wednesday-Friday. Then Saturday (I think the conversation with Kenny about treatment brought up ED thoughts as well) I had the thought that I could binge and purge. I ended up getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and purging it. Sunday, we went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday at this all you can eat sort of place.. they have a salad bar and then different kinds of roasted meat and dessert. Well.. my mom decided to get dessert there and so did my brother, so I got some. Then there was also birthday cake at home. So I was painfully full when I left. I stopped at a grocery store and purged because I couldn't stand the 45 minute drive home like that.
Now today.. I did not want to get up this morning. I was tired. I dragged myself out of bed and showered but not in enough time to stop for a proper lunch (or make one) before the noon meeting. I got a piece of pizza and a soda at a gas station (weird gas station that also has a sort of kitchen that sells random stuff). I decided since I didn't really eat "lunch" I could eat after the meeting and purge. The meeting ended and the nightmare began.
I stopped and got a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, and fries at one fast food restaurant. Purged there (and the toilet didn't flush right so rushed out to avoid being caught). Stopped at a 2nd place and got chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. Went shopping after and purged at the store. Then ate at a 4th restaurant and purged there.
After that, I went to my sponsor's house. We had discussed at the noon meeting that I could go over there.. didn't end up getting there until after 5. She texted around 5:45 to see what I was doing and said she was at the 6pm meeting. I said I really didn't want to go and was having a shitty day. She said that was ok, so I laid around on her couch until she got home and we watched some tv.
She commented when she got there that I looked really tired and asked what was going on. I started to answer and her daughter came in the room, so it wasn't until later that she asked again. I originally just gave the vague answer "eating disorder stuff" but then admitted to going to 3 places. We talked a little about how I was basically switching addictions, which I know is true. I don't remember what else we talked about but not much about the bulimia after that.
Then, being the brilliant person I am, I left her house around 10 and went and got more food and purged again at home. I have it in my head to go to an all you can eat buffet for lunch tomorrow (and you can see where that leads). I'm also considering going to the liquor store. I'm wondering if drinking was better than the bulimia at least. The bulimia mostly stopped when the drinking got bad because I needed food in my stomach to drink and purging liquor seemed wasteful (like wasting food is ok though?).
Oh and the check engine warning light came on in my car earlier. So I get to figure that out tomorrow. Hopefully not a big problem (could just be a sensor)
I am so tired, and this week is going to be exhausting. Church on Christmas Eve. Told my mom I'd come over christmas day to bake cookies and spend the night. The 26th we're doing dinner and presents since my brother works Christmas. The 27th I am going to a wedding. I am not sure I can manage all this. Kinda wish I was back in the hospital or in rehab like last year. That would be so much simpler than all this.
After the whole self harm discussion (see last post), I went home and ended up with cuts (shallow/small) all the way from my knee to the top of my thigh.. I stopped counting at some point. Saturday I stayed with my parents, but I have a nice bruise on my arm that was self inflicted. I then bought fresher blades on my way home Sunday. So clearly, that's not going well.
Then there's the eating disorder. I did ok Wednesday-Friday. Then Saturday (I think the conversation with Kenny about treatment brought up ED thoughts as well) I had the thought that I could binge and purge. I ended up getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and purging it. Sunday, we went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday at this all you can eat sort of place.. they have a salad bar and then different kinds of roasted meat and dessert. Well.. my mom decided to get dessert there and so did my brother, so I got some. Then there was also birthday cake at home. So I was painfully full when I left. I stopped at a grocery store and purged because I couldn't stand the 45 minute drive home like that.
Now today.. I did not want to get up this morning. I was tired. I dragged myself out of bed and showered but not in enough time to stop for a proper lunch (or make one) before the noon meeting. I got a piece of pizza and a soda at a gas station (weird gas station that also has a sort of kitchen that sells random stuff). I decided since I didn't really eat "lunch" I could eat after the meeting and purge. The meeting ended and the nightmare began.
I stopped and got a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, and fries at one fast food restaurant. Purged there (and the toilet didn't flush right so rushed out to avoid being caught). Stopped at a 2nd place and got chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. Went shopping after and purged at the store. Then ate at a 4th restaurant and purged there.
After that, I went to my sponsor's house. We had discussed at the noon meeting that I could go over there.. didn't end up getting there until after 5. She texted around 5:45 to see what I was doing and said she was at the 6pm meeting. I said I really didn't want to go and was having a shitty day. She said that was ok, so I laid around on her couch until she got home and we watched some tv.
She commented when she got there that I looked really tired and asked what was going on. I started to answer and her daughter came in the room, so it wasn't until later that she asked again. I originally just gave the vague answer "eating disorder stuff" but then admitted to going to 3 places. We talked a little about how I was basically switching addictions, which I know is true. I don't remember what else we talked about but not much about the bulimia after that.
Then, being the brilliant person I am, I left her house around 10 and went and got more food and purged again at home. I have it in my head to go to an all you can eat buffet for lunch tomorrow (and you can see where that leads). I'm also considering going to the liquor store. I'm wondering if drinking was better than the bulimia at least. The bulimia mostly stopped when the drinking got bad because I needed food in my stomach to drink and purging liquor seemed wasteful (like wasting food is ok though?).
Oh and the check engine warning light came on in my car earlier. So I get to figure that out tomorrow. Hopefully not a big problem (could just be a sensor)
I am so tired, and this week is going to be exhausting. Church on Christmas Eve. Told my mom I'd come over christmas day to bake cookies and spend the night. The 26th we're doing dinner and presents since my brother works Christmas. The 27th I am going to a wedding. I am not sure I can manage all this. Kinda wish I was back in the hospital or in rehab like last year. That would be so much simpler than all this.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Detox stay- the rest of it
Everything kinda blends together when locked inside one building for 10 days, so I can't really give a day by day account (if anyone would care to read that anyway).
I will say that I am so glad to be home now where nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night. I'd usually get my meds around 9ish. 9 is the scheduled time, but I'd try to get them a bit earlier as an excuse to miss the wrap up group (where you go over what goals you accomplished that day) if it actually happened. I'd go shower and sit in bed reading. I'd fall asleep around 10 or 11. Then during the night I would be woken up at least once to take Librium. So if I took it at 9 I would be woken up at 1am and 5am the first couple days. Then when it was every 6 hours, I'd just be woken up once at 3. I'd be woken at least once for vitals.. usually once during the night and once around 5. Then depending on if I went back to sleep, the nurse would wake me to take my synthroid at around 6. Sometimes I'd be up and dressed by 6. Also, on 3 different nights they woke me to draw blood. I still have 2 small bruises and one pretty large one from that.
Breakfast alternated between eating oatmeal and cottage cheese, skipping breakfast, or eating and purging it. Dinner was the only meal I consistently went to, but it was still either restricting or purging most days. Sometimes restricting was just because the food was bad.
Groups.. The morning we had process group where you talk about whatever is going on with you. I never really had a lot to say.. I guess I've been in enough therapy that I didn't have issues to talk through.. other people had family problems, legal problems, plus the one who wanted to become a serial killer (that was an uncomfortable group). I would talk some about the self harm just because I knew if the therapist would find out if I had told one of the nurses. Same way I would tell the doctor because she would find out from someone else. Better to tell them myself than try to hide it.
Next group was meant to be education of some sort.. over addiction. It was weird because when I gave feedback in process group I might mention 12 step/AA concepts or portions from the big book I might remember. Because of this, any time the therapist might bring up a step, she'd look at me usually to actually recite what the step was. Doesn't it seem like a substance abuse therapist should have the steps mostly memorized if she encourages people to join AA? I mean the stuff from the big book I mostly have picked up from the strange people in meetings who seemed to have pages memorized. I think I might be becoming one of them.
Afternoons started with activity therapy which was yoga or exercise or some kind of game. I usually read or slept through those hours. There was another group about cognitive stuff, which consisted of filling out this big packet one beliefs, principles, goals, etc. On a couple occasions this made me cry because I suck at making goals for my life, I really lack many of the strengths I want, and I guess I really don't always want life, which made this all hard. So I'd go back to my room and cry.
Evenings were AA, dinner, and visitation. First visit from my parents went terribly. My mom was angry I hadn't talked to them about how I was struggling so much and only told them a few hours before going to treatment. She kept making statements like "you've been driving drunk" which I said isn't true because I drink alone at home at night (I neglected the whole morning issue) and she asked if I was teaching drunk, which I really had not been. She asked if I was drinking everyday.. which I mean.. don't most alcoholics? I tried to explain (while crying) that I didn't tell her because she blames me for becoming an alcoholic because I know I have an "addictive personality." I'm sorry, but knowing that does not mean I knew I would be drinking 15-20 shots of vodka everyday and really wishing it would just kill me. I managed to stop cutting and stop the bulimia at least for long periods of time, so it was not absolute in my mind that alcohol was going to become this bad. I tried to explain (still crying) how bad our family was at communicating when I was a child. How she would give the silent treatment (her defense was yes she wouldn't speak to my dad in order to not make fights worse) or they would yell. I think maybe she eventually understood that as a child, that was how I viewed conflict as being handled. Either silence or anger. Anyway, horrible visit.
My sponsor visited the next day, and that was nice. I also called her at least once a day. I told a few other friends I was there but didn't call them or ask them to visit. I honestly prefer not to be visited much. It's exhausting.
The psychiatrist didn't really change medication much. I had her put me on something for anxiety during the day. I explained to both her and the nice nurses that I do NOT like loud noise (again an issue with listening to arguments as a child) or crowded areas (social anxiety I guess). They seemed ok with me spending time in my room, and I did on a couple occasions also take an as needed anti-anxiety medication. Usually because of incidences involving other patients yelling at each other or staff. I did start lying to the psychiatrist eventually about the self harm and the self harm thoughts because I knew she wouldn't let me go home if I admitted to still having problems with them. The thoughts did get less as did behaviors, but they never fully go away. I admitted to purging a couple of meals, but I did not admit to the rest of it. I haven't purged since discharged, and I really knew that it mainly becomes a vicious cycle when I am inpatient and eating in an uncomfortable environment or when I am stressed and using it to cope. Plus, they were by no means equipped to treat bulimia or offer any support, so if she made me stay longer it wouldn't have improved.
So I think that's the best I can summarize it. I'm still sober. I am not entirely sure I want to be sober anymore. I've been going to AA. I've been talking in AA. I became very aware last night how uncomfortable I am with people paying attention to me and listening to me and knowing things about me. My sponsor is dating the guy I previously mentioned, Kenny (if I used his name), and both of us were at her house last night. He started asking me about treatment and commenting on how I seemed different. I mentioned that the drinking was better but other problems were bad while inpatient.. which got us onto the self harm topic (I said I was uncomfortable bringing up the other behavior). He (and my sponsor at this point) started asking why I wanted to self harm and would not let me give excuses or evade the question. I could not seem to make eye contact with Kenny at this point. I finally said there was a reason I was not willing to tell him. He asked if I had told my sponsor, which I hadn't, and if I would if he left the room. And I think that will be a future post.
So him asking me things made me really uncomfortable. I also recently cut and dyed my hair and several people (both men and women) at AA have complimented me on it, which is also making me uncomfortable. I think I would very much like to go back to being unnoticed and silent for a while, and I'm afraid that's not going to happen now that people know I am sober and capable of expressing myself.
I will say that I am so glad to be home now where nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night. I'd usually get my meds around 9ish. 9 is the scheduled time, but I'd try to get them a bit earlier as an excuse to miss the wrap up group (where you go over what goals you accomplished that day) if it actually happened. I'd go shower and sit in bed reading. I'd fall asleep around 10 or 11. Then during the night I would be woken up at least once to take Librium. So if I took it at 9 I would be woken up at 1am and 5am the first couple days. Then when it was every 6 hours, I'd just be woken up once at 3. I'd be woken at least once for vitals.. usually once during the night and once around 5. Then depending on if I went back to sleep, the nurse would wake me to take my synthroid at around 6. Sometimes I'd be up and dressed by 6. Also, on 3 different nights they woke me to draw blood. I still have 2 small bruises and one pretty large one from that.
Breakfast alternated between eating oatmeal and cottage cheese, skipping breakfast, or eating and purging it. Dinner was the only meal I consistently went to, but it was still either restricting or purging most days. Sometimes restricting was just because the food was bad.
Groups.. The morning we had process group where you talk about whatever is going on with you. I never really had a lot to say.. I guess I've been in enough therapy that I didn't have issues to talk through.. other people had family problems, legal problems, plus the one who wanted to become a serial killer (that was an uncomfortable group). I would talk some about the self harm just because I knew if the therapist would find out if I had told one of the nurses. Same way I would tell the doctor because she would find out from someone else. Better to tell them myself than try to hide it.
Next group was meant to be education of some sort.. over addiction. It was weird because when I gave feedback in process group I might mention 12 step/AA concepts or portions from the big book I might remember. Because of this, any time the therapist might bring up a step, she'd look at me usually to actually recite what the step was. Doesn't it seem like a substance abuse therapist should have the steps mostly memorized if she encourages people to join AA? I mean the stuff from the big book I mostly have picked up from the strange people in meetings who seemed to have pages memorized. I think I might be becoming one of them.
Afternoons started with activity therapy which was yoga or exercise or some kind of game. I usually read or slept through those hours. There was another group about cognitive stuff, which consisted of filling out this big packet one beliefs, principles, goals, etc. On a couple occasions this made me cry because I suck at making goals for my life, I really lack many of the strengths I want, and I guess I really don't always want life, which made this all hard. So I'd go back to my room and cry.
Evenings were AA, dinner, and visitation. First visit from my parents went terribly. My mom was angry I hadn't talked to them about how I was struggling so much and only told them a few hours before going to treatment. She kept making statements like "you've been driving drunk" which I said isn't true because I drink alone at home at night (I neglected the whole morning issue) and she asked if I was teaching drunk, which I really had not been. She asked if I was drinking everyday.. which I mean.. don't most alcoholics? I tried to explain (while crying) that I didn't tell her because she blames me for becoming an alcoholic because I know I have an "addictive personality." I'm sorry, but knowing that does not mean I knew I would be drinking 15-20 shots of vodka everyday and really wishing it would just kill me. I managed to stop cutting and stop the bulimia at least for long periods of time, so it was not absolute in my mind that alcohol was going to become this bad. I tried to explain (still crying) how bad our family was at communicating when I was a child. How she would give the silent treatment (her defense was yes she wouldn't speak to my dad in order to not make fights worse) or they would yell. I think maybe she eventually understood that as a child, that was how I viewed conflict as being handled. Either silence or anger. Anyway, horrible visit.
My sponsor visited the next day, and that was nice. I also called her at least once a day. I told a few other friends I was there but didn't call them or ask them to visit. I honestly prefer not to be visited much. It's exhausting.
The psychiatrist didn't really change medication much. I had her put me on something for anxiety during the day. I explained to both her and the nice nurses that I do NOT like loud noise (again an issue with listening to arguments as a child) or crowded areas (social anxiety I guess). They seemed ok with me spending time in my room, and I did on a couple occasions also take an as needed anti-anxiety medication. Usually because of incidences involving other patients yelling at each other or staff. I did start lying to the psychiatrist eventually about the self harm and the self harm thoughts because I knew she wouldn't let me go home if I admitted to still having problems with them. The thoughts did get less as did behaviors, but they never fully go away. I admitted to purging a couple of meals, but I did not admit to the rest of it. I haven't purged since discharged, and I really knew that it mainly becomes a vicious cycle when I am inpatient and eating in an uncomfortable environment or when I am stressed and using it to cope. Plus, they were by no means equipped to treat bulimia or offer any support, so if she made me stay longer it wouldn't have improved.
So I think that's the best I can summarize it. I'm still sober. I am not entirely sure I want to be sober anymore. I've been going to AA. I've been talking in AA. I became very aware last night how uncomfortable I am with people paying attention to me and listening to me and knowing things about me. My sponsor is dating the guy I previously mentioned, Kenny (if I used his name), and both of us were at her house last night. He started asking me about treatment and commenting on how I seemed different. I mentioned that the drinking was better but other problems were bad while inpatient.. which got us onto the self harm topic (I said I was uncomfortable bringing up the other behavior). He (and my sponsor at this point) started asking why I wanted to self harm and would not let me give excuses or evade the question. I could not seem to make eye contact with Kenny at this point. I finally said there was a reason I was not willing to tell him. He asked if I had told my sponsor, which I hadn't, and if I would if he left the room. And I think that will be a future post.
So him asking me things made me really uncomfortable. I also recently cut and dyed my hair and several people (both men and women) at AA have complimented me on it, which is also making me uncomfortable. I think I would very much like to go back to being unnoticed and silent for a while, and I'm afraid that's not going to happen now that people know I am sober and capable of expressing myself.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Detox stay- day 1
So I apologize this is going to be long.. I decided to just do the first day/two of detox in this post and the rest later
I've gone inpatient a few times to detox, and honestly I never was sure it was really necessary. I mean.. I needed help getting sober, but medically I was probably fine. I only had high blood pressure.
Before I even went this time, I was having problems. My blood pressure was very high when I got home in the evenings. Like when I looked it up on the mayo clinic website, it qualified as Stage 2 hypertension. Plus, my brain would start get foggy. And of course the tremors and muscle twitches.
That Monday (December 8th) I was shaky even walking down the stairs to go to AA. I broke down, and a couple hours later I was on the way to the treatment center. I got there with my sponsor around 4pm, and we sat for what felt like ages in the waiting room while I filled out paperwork. Finally, they brought me back to a room for an assessment. They asked if I wanted to go by myself, but I asked my sponsor to come too.
Long assessment.. my sponsor kinda nudged me to be a bit more honest at times and occasionally answered questions. Not in a bad way... like the person asked if since I was drinking I stayed in my comfort zone, and my sponsor explained that I have structured my entire life so I never have to leave my comfort zone. Stuff like that. She stayed until that was done and I was just waiting to be taken to a room.. of course that was a couple more hours.
I got to the ward around 8. This place is divided into 3 halls that basically correspond to 3 programs. There's a mental health program. There's a "faith based" program. Then there's a chemical dependency program.. last time it was weird because I was in a room with people from the mental health program but doing the cd one. This time I was on the other side of the ward, so it was weird.
They searched my belongings. They did the dreaded skin search. It was really triggering this time. It was actually a nurse I met last August but who didn't remember me, and she'd look at scars and ask how old they were.. over and over.. like usually they just accept that scars are either from the last few months or are older than that. I just made things up because I don't even know. They range from a couple weeks to probably 10 years. Staring at them and being asked over and over bothered me.
That was done and they brought me to a room. They asked if I wanted something to eat, and I agreed to a sandwich and juice because I'd only eaten a smallish muffin at noon. I was so frustrated and embarrassed that I couldn't open the packet of mustard because my hands were shaking so bad. I was sitting in a room full of people watching tv and trying very hard not to have it be obvious I was failing at opening the damn mustard.
I had to sit and answer questions and sign more forms. I signed the consent forms for all my usual medication, but I sat around in my room or in the day room and no one mentioned giving me anything. Last stay, the nurse would find me to take medication if I wasn't there exactly when everyone lined up (and I wasn't there at the scheduled time).. nope.. nothing. Finally around 11pm I tried lying down and turning off the light.
I couldn't sleep. My legs and arms kept twitching. My hands got clammy and my palms sweaty. It felt like my arms were falling asleep (you know that sort of numb, pins and needles feeling). I finally got up and decided to go to the nurses' station. There was a nurse standing there and he asked my name and then said he was looking for me. He had my medication and also the consent forms for Librium (detox) and Dylantin (anti-seizure) for withdrawal. I mentioned my hands being sweaty and shaky, My hand was shaking so bad it was hard to take the pills and sign the form.
I took the medication and they just let me go back to my room. Nobody checked my blood pressure. Nobody asked other symptoms.
I lay in bed trying slow/deep breathing to calm down and waiting for the twitching to stop. I was scared. A tech came by at some point (too dark to read my watch) and asked if I was having trouble sleeping and said he'd tell my nurse. Nurse came by around 4am with more medication. (Librium every 4 hours the first 2 days I think). I got maybe 2 hours of sleep that night.
Admittedly, it was probably not that nurse's fault. It was probably the previous shift. He also was one of the nicest staff there, so I had trouble being upset with him. Plus, he was really cute. Really cute. Like a young George Clooney. I have to say, if someone is going to wake you up at 2am, it is nice if he is cute.
I woke up and actually went to breakfast.. it's served in a big cafeteria. I managed cottage cheese and pineapple. Lunch was yogurt and fruit. Dinner was yogurt and fruit. So clearly ED kicked in when I started getting anxious. I also started my usual self harm obsession of hunting for ways to hurt myself. I talked to my sponsor on the phone at some point (I called her a lot) and she "posed for my consideration" that I should tell them what usually happens when I quit drinking. So, I told Cute Nurse that my sponsor said I should mention that in her words (actually told him this quote) my "self harm increases exponentially when I stop drinking" and then also that I have a history of bulimia but had not recently been purging. I had yet to purge or find anything to self harm, but I did from the beginning make them aware. He told me to tell them, especially him, if I felt like hurting myself and that he would request a nutrition consult (did not want that part).
The rest of this, the days get confusing and blend together, so I will attempt the rest in another post.
I've gone inpatient a few times to detox, and honestly I never was sure it was really necessary. I mean.. I needed help getting sober, but medically I was probably fine. I only had high blood pressure.
Before I even went this time, I was having problems. My blood pressure was very high when I got home in the evenings. Like when I looked it up on the mayo clinic website, it qualified as Stage 2 hypertension. Plus, my brain would start get foggy. And of course the tremors and muscle twitches.
That Monday (December 8th) I was shaky even walking down the stairs to go to AA. I broke down, and a couple hours later I was on the way to the treatment center. I got there with my sponsor around 4pm, and we sat for what felt like ages in the waiting room while I filled out paperwork. Finally, they brought me back to a room for an assessment. They asked if I wanted to go by myself, but I asked my sponsor to come too.
Long assessment.. my sponsor kinda nudged me to be a bit more honest at times and occasionally answered questions. Not in a bad way... like the person asked if since I was drinking I stayed in my comfort zone, and my sponsor explained that I have structured my entire life so I never have to leave my comfort zone. Stuff like that. She stayed until that was done and I was just waiting to be taken to a room.. of course that was a couple more hours.
I got to the ward around 8. This place is divided into 3 halls that basically correspond to 3 programs. There's a mental health program. There's a "faith based" program. Then there's a chemical dependency program.. last time it was weird because I was in a room with people from the mental health program but doing the cd one. This time I was on the other side of the ward, so it was weird.
They searched my belongings. They did the dreaded skin search. It was really triggering this time. It was actually a nurse I met last August but who didn't remember me, and she'd look at scars and ask how old they were.. over and over.. like usually they just accept that scars are either from the last few months or are older than that. I just made things up because I don't even know. They range from a couple weeks to probably 10 years. Staring at them and being asked over and over bothered me.
That was done and they brought me to a room. They asked if I wanted something to eat, and I agreed to a sandwich and juice because I'd only eaten a smallish muffin at noon. I was so frustrated and embarrassed that I couldn't open the packet of mustard because my hands were shaking so bad. I was sitting in a room full of people watching tv and trying very hard not to have it be obvious I was failing at opening the damn mustard.
I had to sit and answer questions and sign more forms. I signed the consent forms for all my usual medication, but I sat around in my room or in the day room and no one mentioned giving me anything. Last stay, the nurse would find me to take medication if I wasn't there exactly when everyone lined up (and I wasn't there at the scheduled time).. nope.. nothing. Finally around 11pm I tried lying down and turning off the light.
I couldn't sleep. My legs and arms kept twitching. My hands got clammy and my palms sweaty. It felt like my arms were falling asleep (you know that sort of numb, pins and needles feeling). I finally got up and decided to go to the nurses' station. There was a nurse standing there and he asked my name and then said he was looking for me. He had my medication and also the consent forms for Librium (detox) and Dylantin (anti-seizure) for withdrawal. I mentioned my hands being sweaty and shaky, My hand was shaking so bad it was hard to take the pills and sign the form.
I took the medication and they just let me go back to my room. Nobody checked my blood pressure. Nobody asked other symptoms.
I lay in bed trying slow/deep breathing to calm down and waiting for the twitching to stop. I was scared. A tech came by at some point (too dark to read my watch) and asked if I was having trouble sleeping and said he'd tell my nurse. Nurse came by around 4am with more medication. (Librium every 4 hours the first 2 days I think). I got maybe 2 hours of sleep that night.
Admittedly, it was probably not that nurse's fault. It was probably the previous shift. He also was one of the nicest staff there, so I had trouble being upset with him. Plus, he was really cute. Really cute. Like a young George Clooney. I have to say, if someone is going to wake you up at 2am, it is nice if he is cute.
I woke up and actually went to breakfast.. it's served in a big cafeteria. I managed cottage cheese and pineapple. Lunch was yogurt and fruit. Dinner was yogurt and fruit. So clearly ED kicked in when I started getting anxious. I also started my usual self harm obsession of hunting for ways to hurt myself. I talked to my sponsor on the phone at some point (I called her a lot) and she "posed for my consideration" that I should tell them what usually happens when I quit drinking. So, I told Cute Nurse that my sponsor said I should mention that in her words (actually told him this quote) my "self harm increases exponentially when I stop drinking" and then also that I have a history of bulimia but had not recently been purging. I had yet to purge or find anything to self harm, but I did from the beginning make them aware. He told me to tell them, especially him, if I felt like hurting myself and that he would request a nutrition consult (did not want that part).
The rest of this, the days get confusing and blend together, so I will attempt the rest in another post.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Home now
Thank you to everyone who wrote such supportive replies on my last post. I got to read them as I went through the long preparation, packing, admission process. I ended up getting to the facility around 4 i think and the ward around 8. My sponsor stayed through the assessment (I asked her to), which made it easier
Was there 10 days. Finally home and preparing to go to sleep in my own bed. Will write a proper update soon when I have the energy.
Also look forward to catching up on reading how you are all doing
Monday, December 8, 2014
Detox
So I won't be around for a week or so. I'm going in to some treatment place (not 100% sure where) to detox. My hands have been shaking so badly and in the evenings I get really out of it. To the point that I'm not sure I should drive. I went to the noon meeting and my sponsor was there, and I just started crying when I talked to her after the meeting. The shaking is obvious I mentioned that I shouldn't be driving. She asked if I was ready, and I said yes. I am so tired. So assuming I can sort out registering for classes, I will go today. Wish me luck.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
When will enough be enough?
To start with a random story about AA. So I was at my sponsor's last night, and I was talking to a man from AA (I mentioned some of this in the last post). Somehow we started talking about me teaching.. don't really remember how. He asked what I teach, and I said it was a biology lab. I always really try to emphasize I'm a graduate student because I don't feel I deserve to be considered a teacher. He asked (everyone does) if I have to dissect animals. I don't. I have when I was in high school, but my classes don't. I teach the 1st half of a 2 semester course. The 2nd semester they do dissections. I commented that I mostly hate the smell of formaldehyde and the preservatives.
That became a discussion between him and my sponsor about formaldehyde and drugs.. like mixed with weed and something else. He asked me something about it since I am "a scientist." My sponsor made the comment that I'm a purist. Alcohol is all I use. It's true. I have never done any other drugs. The meeting I went to today ended up on the topic of abusing pain medication. I was thinking that if anything, my problem with taking medication is just not taking it. I stop taking non-addictive, necessary medications and it does alter how I feel. Depression is comfortable. I talked more than usual and I felt really uncomfortable because I was rambling. Apparently, I wasn't. People laughed at some funny things I said. Someone commented on liking what I shared after the meeting. I really wish I could hear myself like they do. I think what I say gets mixed up in everything else I'm thinking, and it makes me feel crazy.
After the meeting, I ended up going to a craft store with someone from AA. I mentioned the idea of detox. She asked about me going somewhere, and we talked about the issue of money and of where to go. I said I don't feel like it ever helped. She said she thought that too until she was ready. She did say that when people are ready, they are willing to go anywhere. Currently, I obsess about what place will work with me about money. I mentioned that one place I would stop eating. I don't know if I'm ready. I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am becoming aware of my own mortality at times. Mainly that I really don't believe I will survive until May and hopefully graduate. I don't know if it will be alcohol or suicide that does it, but I don't feel like I will live until then. I know that's not a good thought, but I also don't know that I care.
I just wonder when I will be ready. I had thought during the semester that I was ready, but school and work took priority. Now I could go, but I don't feel as miserable. I don't feel as tired. I just don't know. I don't want to waste money on a hospital just to come out and relapse. If I detox outpatient, at least it costs a whole lot less.
My friend said that whenever I was ready, she and my sponsor would do whatever they need to to help. They can take care of my cats. They will support my choice, and it was nice to hear that. I just don't know what to choose right now. I hope at some point it will be clear.
Lately I have been sleeping very late. In part, this is because I am not sober enough to function in the morning. Tonight I am trying to drink what I want but be sober enough in the morning to go to church. This is one of those times that I am very aware that this is not "normal."
That became a discussion between him and my sponsor about formaldehyde and drugs.. like mixed with weed and something else. He asked me something about it since I am "a scientist." My sponsor made the comment that I'm a purist. Alcohol is all I use. It's true. I have never done any other drugs. The meeting I went to today ended up on the topic of abusing pain medication. I was thinking that if anything, my problem with taking medication is just not taking it. I stop taking non-addictive, necessary medications and it does alter how I feel. Depression is comfortable. I talked more than usual and I felt really uncomfortable because I was rambling. Apparently, I wasn't. People laughed at some funny things I said. Someone commented on liking what I shared after the meeting. I really wish I could hear myself like they do. I think what I say gets mixed up in everything else I'm thinking, and it makes me feel crazy.
After the meeting, I ended up going to a craft store with someone from AA. I mentioned the idea of detox. She asked about me going somewhere, and we talked about the issue of money and of where to go. I said I don't feel like it ever helped. She said she thought that too until she was ready. She did say that when people are ready, they are willing to go anywhere. Currently, I obsess about what place will work with me about money. I mentioned that one place I would stop eating. I don't know if I'm ready. I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am becoming aware of my own mortality at times. Mainly that I really don't believe I will survive until May and hopefully graduate. I don't know if it will be alcohol or suicide that does it, but I don't feel like I will live until then. I know that's not a good thought, but I also don't know that I care.
I just wonder when I will be ready. I had thought during the semester that I was ready, but school and work took priority. Now I could go, but I don't feel as miserable. I don't feel as tired. I just don't know. I don't want to waste money on a hospital just to come out and relapse. If I detox outpatient, at least it costs a whole lot less.
My friend said that whenever I was ready, she and my sponsor would do whatever they need to to help. They can take care of my cats. They will support my choice, and it was nice to hear that. I just don't know what to choose right now. I hope at some point it will be clear.
Lately I have been sleeping very late. In part, this is because I am not sober enough to function in the morning. Tonight I am trying to drink what I want but be sober enough in the morning to go to church. This is one of those times that I am very aware that this is not "normal."
Friday, December 5, 2014
Winter break
So the classes I teach had their final last week. I finished grading them today. I spent like 5 hours at my sponsor's house doing it. Grading at her house seems easier than grading at school. Now I just need to put the grades online and email them to my boss.
Last year, I spent most of winter break in rehab. I took my last final (that kept getting postponed because of weather) and went into rehab that same day. It really didn't help. It was a nice break from life, but I relapsed a couple weeks after I got out.
The year before that (and before that), I spent most of break either drunk or asleep. I would wake up around noon and get out of bed around 1 or 2. I'd maybe go shopping or watch tv, and then around 4 or 5 I'd start drinking. I'd drink until I blacked out and went to bed. Sometimes that was before 10pm so I was sleeping 14 hours a day.
I have considered detox or rehab, but I just keep thinking that it hasn't helped. I've been in hospitals 3 times for detox (around a week each time) and spent 3 weeks in rehab. I always relapse. However, I am also aware of the danger of quitting on my own. I got home at around 10pm yesterday, and on the way I bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was 160/100 (approximate) and that was less than 24 hours sober. I am not entirely sure I want to get sober. I do and I don't. My therapist mentioned how physically exhausting alcoholism is, and she's right. My body is just tired. I have been sleeping until noon all week, and I can't decide if it's because I'm still drunk or because I am tired. I also stopped taking my mood stabilizer (I'm on an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and something for sleep) for a week.
My body is having a hard time drinking as much as I try to. I get nauseous a lot. I have to try different things to not throw up. I eat certain foods to get the taste of nasty, cheap vodka out of my mouth. The past 2 days I switched from diet soda to juice as a chaser, and the eating disorder is NOT happy with that. I did juice for a long time, but it's so many calories. I tried flavored sparkling water for a while, but certain flavors made the nausea worse.
My therapist wants me to come up with a plan for while I'm not in school. This needs to include time spent working on the paper I am supposed to be working on. Beyond that, I don't know. Time at home is a bad idea. I am not really suicidal, but I have this nagging thought that I'm not going to live through the holidays or through next semester. I could maybe spend time at school or my sponsor's house, but there were a couple days a week I planned to do that but couldn't seem to get out of bed.
My therapist mentioned trying to detox outpatient.. which means getting Librium or something from my psychiatrist to prevent withdrawal. The issue is if he trusts me enough to do that. Once before, my psychiatrist (a different one) gave me Librium, and I took it a few times when I was trying to quit.. when I gave in and went back to drinking I stopped taking it. Same with the klonopin she gave me (benzos + alcohol= overdose). I am hoping my therapist can tell him this.
I've thought about going inpatient somewhere.. not rehab but just short term. I kinda want to because I am exhausted and it's time where I don't have to deal with anything. Someone tells me when to get up and when to go to bed. Someone puts food in front of me (which I tend not to eat or to purge). Someone makes me take my meds. The issue is money. I have some money now (not a lot but not as broke as last year), but pretty much all of it would go toward this.
I texted my sponsor last night about considering detox. I was at her house today, and I mentioned needing to make a plan. She asked if I was considering detox, and I said I wasn't sure. I mentioned the Librium and she asked if I wanted this to detox or just to have it. I explained how I never really took it when I was drinking. I did a couple times over the summer when I got that shitty job because it stopped the tremors. I said I didn't know if I wanted to stop. I said I was afraid of the depression getting worse.
On a random note, a guy from AA came by Kenny.. he's been saying Hi to me lately but.. in a weird tone of voice. Like he was surprised to see me or surprised I was there. I thought maybe my sponsor told him about me because he was at her house last weekend. Today he came to have her help pop/align his back (kinda weird). She had mentioned I was there, but I wasn't in the room. He yelled hello. I went in there. He asked if it was too much to ask for a hug and joked about if I bite. I said I do hug people and I do talk. He mentioned during the conversation that I never talked to him before but that he never really talked to me. I think that was the whole issue. I think I come across as antisocial, but I really do talk to people at AA if they talk to me. So I hugged him and talked a bit. He made some joke about me liking a challenge and that's why I picked my sponsor. I said I was a challenge too, which he said he never thought. I really go back and forth on how people see me. I try to seem nice, but I do tend to sit silently and stare at my phone before meetings. They'll play dominoes and I don't, and I explained I just don't like the game. I think maybe people have no idea what I am really like. Hell, I don't even know what I'm really like. It made me feel a bit better about how he's talked to me. He has thanked me for talking to him, and I guess he actually means that.. I thought it was sarcasm.
Last year, I spent most of winter break in rehab. I took my last final (that kept getting postponed because of weather) and went into rehab that same day. It really didn't help. It was a nice break from life, but I relapsed a couple weeks after I got out.
The year before that (and before that), I spent most of break either drunk or asleep. I would wake up around noon and get out of bed around 1 or 2. I'd maybe go shopping or watch tv, and then around 4 or 5 I'd start drinking. I'd drink until I blacked out and went to bed. Sometimes that was before 10pm so I was sleeping 14 hours a day.
I have considered detox or rehab, but I just keep thinking that it hasn't helped. I've been in hospitals 3 times for detox (around a week each time) and spent 3 weeks in rehab. I always relapse. However, I am also aware of the danger of quitting on my own. I got home at around 10pm yesterday, and on the way I bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was 160/100 (approximate) and that was less than 24 hours sober. I am not entirely sure I want to get sober. I do and I don't. My therapist mentioned how physically exhausting alcoholism is, and she's right. My body is just tired. I have been sleeping until noon all week, and I can't decide if it's because I'm still drunk or because I am tired. I also stopped taking my mood stabilizer (I'm on an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and something for sleep) for a week.
My body is having a hard time drinking as much as I try to. I get nauseous a lot. I have to try different things to not throw up. I eat certain foods to get the taste of nasty, cheap vodka out of my mouth. The past 2 days I switched from diet soda to juice as a chaser, and the eating disorder is NOT happy with that. I did juice for a long time, but it's so many calories. I tried flavored sparkling water for a while, but certain flavors made the nausea worse.
My therapist wants me to come up with a plan for while I'm not in school. This needs to include time spent working on the paper I am supposed to be working on. Beyond that, I don't know. Time at home is a bad idea. I am not really suicidal, but I have this nagging thought that I'm not going to live through the holidays or through next semester. I could maybe spend time at school or my sponsor's house, but there were a couple days a week I planned to do that but couldn't seem to get out of bed.
My therapist mentioned trying to detox outpatient.. which means getting Librium or something from my psychiatrist to prevent withdrawal. The issue is if he trusts me enough to do that. Once before, my psychiatrist (a different one) gave me Librium, and I took it a few times when I was trying to quit.. when I gave in and went back to drinking I stopped taking it. Same with the klonopin she gave me (benzos + alcohol= overdose). I am hoping my therapist can tell him this.
I've thought about going inpatient somewhere.. not rehab but just short term. I kinda want to because I am exhausted and it's time where I don't have to deal with anything. Someone tells me when to get up and when to go to bed. Someone puts food in front of me (which I tend not to eat or to purge). Someone makes me take my meds. The issue is money. I have some money now (not a lot but not as broke as last year), but pretty much all of it would go toward this.
I texted my sponsor last night about considering detox. I was at her house today, and I mentioned needing to make a plan. She asked if I was considering detox, and I said I wasn't sure. I mentioned the Librium and she asked if I wanted this to detox or just to have it. I explained how I never really took it when I was drinking. I did a couple times over the summer when I got that shitty job because it stopped the tremors. I said I didn't know if I wanted to stop. I said I was afraid of the depression getting worse.
On a random note, a guy from AA came by Kenny.. he's been saying Hi to me lately but.. in a weird tone of voice. Like he was surprised to see me or surprised I was there. I thought maybe my sponsor told him about me because he was at her house last weekend. Today he came to have her help pop/align his back (kinda weird). She had mentioned I was there, but I wasn't in the room. He yelled hello. I went in there. He asked if it was too much to ask for a hug and joked about if I bite. I said I do hug people and I do talk. He mentioned during the conversation that I never talked to him before but that he never really talked to me. I think that was the whole issue. I think I come across as antisocial, but I really do talk to people at AA if they talk to me. So I hugged him and talked a bit. He made some joke about me liking a challenge and that's why I picked my sponsor. I said I was a challenge too, which he said he never thought. I really go back and forth on how people see me. I try to seem nice, but I do tend to sit silently and stare at my phone before meetings. They'll play dominoes and I don't, and I explained I just don't like the game. I think maybe people have no idea what I am really like. Hell, I don't even know what I'm really like. It made me feel a bit better about how he's talked to me. He has thanked me for talking to him, and I guess he actually means that.. I thought it was sarcasm.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
AA Men vs AA Women
In AA, it is generally advised that women stick with the women and men with the men. So a woman should have a female sponsor. She should use the women's phone list and call women from the group. There's logic behind it because there are people (men and women) who come with the wrong motives or may get distracted by getting in relationships. Stuff like that. I currently only have phone numbers from other women in the group and not the guys.
The group I go to is fairly diverse in terms of gender and age.. I've been to others that were primarily men or primarily older people.
The odd thing about all of this is that there are more men in the group I trust and would talk to than women. This may partially be that the men hang out more between meetings than the women.. at least the healthy women... there's a couple that stick around but are very crazy (maybe I'm one of those?)
There's one man that sticks around between meetings a lot who has around 20 years of sobriety I think, and he's a nice guy. He's one of the ones that I've always felt safe around.. we chat sometimes. He's also one of the few who I have been honest about my lack of sobriety with. Mainly the few times he has asked.. I guess I come across as sober? Because last week he said I must have some sobriety time now, but I told him the truth.
There's a man that comes to evening meetings that I love strictly because he is an asshole.. but he's an asshole that will contradict or call out the woman I hate on shit she says.. or comment on the cliche shit people say in meetings. He can because he's been sober since I think 89 (a year longer than the woman I hate). His big thing is that we are sober by the grace of God and shouldn't give ourselves credit for it. It's God and the program, and while I do think people deserve some praise for being sober.. they shouldn't think they're better than anyone else. He also has some funny stories.
Then there's one man.. who has been sober since August I think, so not very long.. but he's always been nice to me. He kinda rambles when he shares and is a bit odd, but I trust him. I think I trust him and the other men because they don't gossip. They don't judge people the way the women do. I went to the 8pm meeting yesterday. I did NOT want to go but my head was in a dark place, so I knew I should. Well, the guy chairing was this lawyer who really likes the sound of his own voice.. like it was a small meeting and he talked for 20 minutes at least. I did share. Then the meeting should have been over at 9, but he decided that since they don't lock the building until 9:30 we could just keep the meeting going.
On my best days, I have trouble sitting through an hour long meeting.. last night it was almost unbearable. It would have been fine if he had closed the meeting and just said to stick around if people wanted to talk more.. but he just kept talking. I have made a lot of progress with not leaving early, but because he kept talking I was afraid to leave.. it seemed rude to leave while he was talking. I finally got up at 9:10 and headed out.
The man (Tim) from the previous paragraph walked out with me. He was telling me how he wishes i would share more. I trust him enough to explain why I don't like sharing, how I feel like I don't make sense and I ramble. He says I've never not made sense, which is nice to hear. I always feel like I start sentences and statements without knowing what I intended to say. We talked a bit in the parking lot. He was in the meeting last week where I admitted how little sobriety I've ever managed despite all the meetings I go to. I did wonder if that's why he was talking to me. I still worry about being judged, but with him and the first one (Ray) I mentioned, I think they care but don't think less of me. I think they give me credit for showing up almost everyday. The women are the ones that comment on how I never go out to eat with them or how I never talk.. both statements are true, but I don't like them reminding me of it. I feel like they talk about me when I'm not there. I feel like they really would judge or gossip if they knew I'm still drinking.
Again.. this may be all in my head, but there is definitely something different talking to the women. I do think this is all a sign I need to work on my trust issues. But I feel like talking to the men because I trust them is better than not talking to anyone.
The group I go to is fairly diverse in terms of gender and age.. I've been to others that were primarily men or primarily older people.
The odd thing about all of this is that there are more men in the group I trust and would talk to than women. This may partially be that the men hang out more between meetings than the women.. at least the healthy women... there's a couple that stick around but are very crazy (maybe I'm one of those?)
There's one man that sticks around between meetings a lot who has around 20 years of sobriety I think, and he's a nice guy. He's one of the ones that I've always felt safe around.. we chat sometimes. He's also one of the few who I have been honest about my lack of sobriety with. Mainly the few times he has asked.. I guess I come across as sober? Because last week he said I must have some sobriety time now, but I told him the truth.
There's a man that comes to evening meetings that I love strictly because he is an asshole.. but he's an asshole that will contradict or call out the woman I hate on shit she says.. or comment on the cliche shit people say in meetings. He can because he's been sober since I think 89 (a year longer than the woman I hate). His big thing is that we are sober by the grace of God and shouldn't give ourselves credit for it. It's God and the program, and while I do think people deserve some praise for being sober.. they shouldn't think they're better than anyone else. He also has some funny stories.
Then there's one man.. who has been sober since August I think, so not very long.. but he's always been nice to me. He kinda rambles when he shares and is a bit odd, but I trust him. I think I trust him and the other men because they don't gossip. They don't judge people the way the women do. I went to the 8pm meeting yesterday. I did NOT want to go but my head was in a dark place, so I knew I should. Well, the guy chairing was this lawyer who really likes the sound of his own voice.. like it was a small meeting and he talked for 20 minutes at least. I did share. Then the meeting should have been over at 9, but he decided that since they don't lock the building until 9:30 we could just keep the meeting going.
On my best days, I have trouble sitting through an hour long meeting.. last night it was almost unbearable. It would have been fine if he had closed the meeting and just said to stick around if people wanted to talk more.. but he just kept talking. I have made a lot of progress with not leaving early, but because he kept talking I was afraid to leave.. it seemed rude to leave while he was talking. I finally got up at 9:10 and headed out.
The man (Tim) from the previous paragraph walked out with me. He was telling me how he wishes i would share more. I trust him enough to explain why I don't like sharing, how I feel like I don't make sense and I ramble. He says I've never not made sense, which is nice to hear. I always feel like I start sentences and statements without knowing what I intended to say. We talked a bit in the parking lot. He was in the meeting last week where I admitted how little sobriety I've ever managed despite all the meetings I go to. I did wonder if that's why he was talking to me. I still worry about being judged, but with him and the first one (Ray) I mentioned, I think they care but don't think less of me. I think they give me credit for showing up almost everyday. The women are the ones that comment on how I never go out to eat with them or how I never talk.. both statements are true, but I don't like them reminding me of it. I feel like they talk about me when I'm not there. I feel like they really would judge or gossip if they knew I'm still drinking.
Again.. this may be all in my head, but there is definitely something different talking to the women. I do think this is all a sign I need to work on my trust issues. But I feel like talking to the men because I trust them is better than not talking to anyone.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Awkward
I am awkward in social situations. This can either be because I am not doing what is normally socially expected.. not eating, not talking, not drinking, not playing a game. I am failing to do what others do. Or I am doing all those things, but I and maybe others are aware that I am faking it. I am forcing myself to do what's expected and seem happy and social. Most of the time if I am around more than a couple people, I am having to force myself to be there. I am usually ok with up to 3 friends or acquaintances. Beyond that, I am uncomfortable, and I am having to really try to be there. Same if it's people I don't know well.
I have a friend whose birthday is toward the end of November. The past couple years she has planned a party/gathering around Thanksgiving because we have several friends who live in other states, but they tend to be home around the holidays. This year, she planned a party for yesterday the Saturday after thanksgiving. She invited me, a couple friends who went to high school with us, and some girls that were her neighbors.
So I am not a fan of parties or social situations with many people. I almost never go to parties thrown by friends at school. I will sometimes go at the holidays if there is someone coming who I never see because they live somewhere else. I have also gone to a couple parties for childrens' birthdays because a 1st birthday party is a once in a lifetime thing.
Well, I went to the party yesterday. It was pretty fun. We watched a couple really bad movies and played a board game (cards against humanity). What was awkward in this case was pretty obvious. I have gone to several of her gatherings since I became aware that drinking was a problem. I had for years prior established that I did not drink. Not for any particular reason, but I didn't like drinking at parties and I did take medication that interacts with alcohol. Well, at some point I did acknowledge alcohol was a problem. I began asking if alcohol would be served or would be encouraged. What is awkward is that at several occasions, I brough alcohol or drank alcohol. I don't remember when exactly I said I had a problem with alcohol, but I know over the past few years I have mentioned it.
Well, Saturday I went to her house. I had not decided prior what I would do. I decided to drink to alleviate the shakes but not talk about it, so I had the equivalent to 3 beers (1 hard cider and 2 peach flavored something or another). I did this without commenting on the fact that I had previously told my friend I had a problem with alcohol and didn't drink. It helped me relax, and mainly it helped me not visibly shake. I do wonder if my friends wondered about it. Do they wonder about me drinking despite things I've said? Do they just think I've been confused? Hard to tell
I have more, but I think I'll save it to tomorrow. I am struggling. I am not functioning well. I am not happy. It's hard to be a functional human being, but I will update more later.
I have a friend whose birthday is toward the end of November. The past couple years she has planned a party/gathering around Thanksgiving because we have several friends who live in other states, but they tend to be home around the holidays. This year, she planned a party for yesterday the Saturday after thanksgiving. She invited me, a couple friends who went to high school with us, and some girls that were her neighbors.
So I am not a fan of parties or social situations with many people. I almost never go to parties thrown by friends at school. I will sometimes go at the holidays if there is someone coming who I never see because they live somewhere else. I have also gone to a couple parties for childrens' birthdays because a 1st birthday party is a once in a lifetime thing.
Well, I went to the party yesterday. It was pretty fun. We watched a couple really bad movies and played a board game (cards against humanity). What was awkward in this case was pretty obvious. I have gone to several of her gatherings since I became aware that drinking was a problem. I had for years prior established that I did not drink. Not for any particular reason, but I didn't like drinking at parties and I did take medication that interacts with alcohol. Well, at some point I did acknowledge alcohol was a problem. I began asking if alcohol would be served or would be encouraged. What is awkward is that at several occasions, I brough alcohol or drank alcohol. I don't remember when exactly I said I had a problem with alcohol, but I know over the past few years I have mentioned it.
Well, Saturday I went to her house. I had not decided prior what I would do. I decided to drink to alleviate the shakes but not talk about it, so I had the equivalent to 3 beers (1 hard cider and 2 peach flavored something or another). I did this without commenting on the fact that I had previously told my friend I had a problem with alcohol and didn't drink. It helped me relax, and mainly it helped me not visibly shake. I do wonder if my friends wondered about it. Do they wonder about me drinking despite things I've said? Do they just think I've been confused? Hard to tell
I have more, but I think I'll save it to tomorrow. I am struggling. I am not functioning well. I am not happy. It's hard to be a functional human being, but I will update more later.
Monday, November 24, 2014
AA, dinner, and drama
That pretty much sums up my evening.
My day was boring, I was at school 11am-7pm. I drank a hard cider in the school parking lot this time. Also ate and purged between office hours and the next open lab. I wasn't planning to purge. I was just suddenly very full and decided I didn't like that.
After school, I went to my sponsor's house for a little while. I had planned to kill time before the 8pm meeting there. I almost skipped the meeting but ended up going. Not sure I'm entirely happy with that decision now. I did text my sponsor this morning that I only had 3 drinks yesterday. She said that was progress. I said I took my blood pressure and it was high but ok.. that might be a lie? It was 140/105 I think the first time, which is very high but not a crisis according to the first website I looked at. A few hours later it was 130 something over 100, so it did go down a bit. I mean.. I took it right after one open lab the first time and right before the next the 2nd time, so school may be a factor. I did minimize my caffeine intake though not my salt intake.. I like salt.
Anyway, I went to the meeting at 8. I think I need to start giving people some sort of name because describing things is complicated. Well, it was chaired by the guy who was over at my sponsor's for dinner last week who is dating another girl from AA with my sponsor. I'll work out names another time.
Oh and randomly, while he was starting the meeting, I jokingly threw a peppermint and hit my friend in the head. I really was not aiming for her head. Anyway, she looked up and mouthed "Was that you?" and at the girl next to me "Was that Beth?" and we all just lost it laughing hysterically. This was far from the first time candy has been thrown in meetings. Just the first time I was involved. 8pm meetings are not the most mature
Well, he picked a weird topic. He said to talk about things going in our lives that we might consider drinking over. Which I guess translates to stressors. I am of course town because the reason I was going to drink tonight is because I was going to drink tonight. I didn't buy vodka, so it was going to continue on my plan of cutting back. However, 1. several people there have not actually heard me admit I'm not sober and haven't been much lately. 2. They would not view cutting back as progress and I was not going to bring up medical safety in the meeting either because that involves also bringing up how much I've been drinking.. I simultaneously feel embarrassed admitting it because I'm drinking so much and because I think by their standards I might be drinking very little.
I ended up saying (between a variety of random swear words) that I haven't been sober a lot lately. That not coming to meetings would probably kill me faster. And that dishonesty was probably part of the problem because I never talk about any of this in meetings. Then I gave up trying to say anything.
Well, after the meeting I went to eat with my friend, her boyfriend, and 2 other people. Well, one of the others was talking about during the meeting how the last two times she's been at a certain restaurant she ran into her mom, who is also an addict. So we didn't go there. Well, apparently her dad (also an addict) was at the restaurant we went to.. and I guess sleeping behind a dumpster nearby. She talked to him in the restaurant and then came and sat with us, and he left. She was obviously upset, and really nobody knew what to say. The other man that came with us (who has been sober a long time) basically said that could be any of us. While she was gone, we had all just agreed that she needs to leave her parents alone if she wants them to get better.. but obviously that's not easy if she is constantly accidentally running into them. We finally changed the subject, but I feel bad.
I mean it's different (if I believe her stories) than my friend that was there that spends a lot of time at her mom's house when her mom is still actively using drugs. That's her choice, although it is also clearly complicated. I am just trying to stay out of anyone else's drama. Weird evening though
My day was boring, I was at school 11am-7pm. I drank a hard cider in the school parking lot this time. Also ate and purged between office hours and the next open lab. I wasn't planning to purge. I was just suddenly very full and decided I didn't like that.
After school, I went to my sponsor's house for a little while. I had planned to kill time before the 8pm meeting there. I almost skipped the meeting but ended up going. Not sure I'm entirely happy with that decision now. I did text my sponsor this morning that I only had 3 drinks yesterday. She said that was progress. I said I took my blood pressure and it was high but ok.. that might be a lie? It was 140/105 I think the first time, which is very high but not a crisis according to the first website I looked at. A few hours later it was 130 something over 100, so it did go down a bit. I mean.. I took it right after one open lab the first time and right before the next the 2nd time, so school may be a factor. I did minimize my caffeine intake though not my salt intake.. I like salt.
Anyway, I went to the meeting at 8. I think I need to start giving people some sort of name because describing things is complicated. Well, it was chaired by the guy who was over at my sponsor's for dinner last week who is dating another girl from AA with my sponsor. I'll work out names another time.
Oh and randomly, while he was starting the meeting, I jokingly threw a peppermint and hit my friend in the head. I really was not aiming for her head. Anyway, she looked up and mouthed "Was that you?" and at the girl next to me "Was that Beth?" and we all just lost it laughing hysterically. This was far from the first time candy has been thrown in meetings. Just the first time I was involved. 8pm meetings are not the most mature
Well, he picked a weird topic. He said to talk about things going in our lives that we might consider drinking over. Which I guess translates to stressors. I am of course town because the reason I was going to drink tonight is because I was going to drink tonight. I didn't buy vodka, so it was going to continue on my plan of cutting back. However, 1. several people there have not actually heard me admit I'm not sober and haven't been much lately. 2. They would not view cutting back as progress and I was not going to bring up medical safety in the meeting either because that involves also bringing up how much I've been drinking.. I simultaneously feel embarrassed admitting it because I'm drinking so much and because I think by their standards I might be drinking very little.
I ended up saying (between a variety of random swear words) that I haven't been sober a lot lately. That not coming to meetings would probably kill me faster. And that dishonesty was probably part of the problem because I never talk about any of this in meetings. Then I gave up trying to say anything.
Well, after the meeting I went to eat with my friend, her boyfriend, and 2 other people. Well, one of the others was talking about during the meeting how the last two times she's been at a certain restaurant she ran into her mom, who is also an addict. So we didn't go there. Well, apparently her dad (also an addict) was at the restaurant we went to.. and I guess sleeping behind a dumpster nearby. She talked to him in the restaurant and then came and sat with us, and he left. She was obviously upset, and really nobody knew what to say. The other man that came with us (who has been sober a long time) basically said that could be any of us. While she was gone, we had all just agreed that she needs to leave her parents alone if she wants them to get better.. but obviously that's not easy if she is constantly accidentally running into them. We finally changed the subject, but I feel bad.
I mean it's different (if I believe her stories) than my friend that was there that spends a lot of time at her mom's house when her mom is still actively using drugs. That's her choice, although it is also clearly complicated. I am just trying to stay out of anyone else's drama. Weird evening though
Sunday, November 23, 2014
New low
So definitely reached a new low this morning. I managed to drag myself out of bed and go to church. I didn't go the last 2 weeks. I apologize for any typos. I am terrible at typing on my tablet.
I was of course shaking pretty bad. It wasn't so obvious when I was holding a book. I do think they were noticeably shaking when I took communion.
The priest knows I am an alcoholic. I take communion separately since I can't have wine. I have debated changing this since I relapsed so it doesn't matter, but I don't want to admit I relapsed. Eventually, I would be sober again. If he asked, I would probably tell him how bad things are. He has visited me in psych wards and rehab
Anyway, I was planning to go to my parent's house after church, and I didn't want to be shaking. I had planned a solution. It was an awful solution. The last time I went to the liquor store I bought a can of hard cider, which I can tolerate more than beer. I didn't end up drinking it that day because I also brought vodka.
Today I took the cider with me. I didn't know if I would drink it. I didn't know where I would drink it and worried if I would smell like alcohol.
I drank it sitting in my car in the church parking lot after the service. I kept looking to make sure nobody was in the cars next to me watching. I drank it quickly and got out and put the empty can in the trunk of the car. I think you can get in trouble if a police officer sees it in the car.
I drank it and chewed 4 breath mints. I drank diet coke. I finally chewed some fruit flavored gum to cover the smell.
It's annoying because I'm still shaky. I have this idea that my sponsor probably wouldn't approve. I am thinking have 1-2 more drinks tonight. Maybe 1 tomorrow. The hope is that cutting back rather than suddenly stopping might be safer (avoiding withdrawal). I don't know. I will probably call her tomorrow.
I'm also frustrated. Thursday is thanksgiving in the US. My brother might be working that day but doesn't know the time. So my parents have no plans. Don't know if we're cooking or going to a restaurant. Don't know the time. I can tell this may become a big argument, hopefully when I'm not there. I just hate the unknown. Thanksgiving frequently involves my parents arguing because they can't communicate or deal with conflict.
At least if there is a fight, I am able to stay at home or leave.
So adding this later. I bought a couple more cans of hard cider on my way home. Currently drinking the 2nd one. That makes 3 drinks today as opposed to at least a dozen shots of vodka. I texted my sponsor about my idea of cutting back rather than stopping immediately. Her response is that she thinks I should talk to a doctor. I don't want to. I feel like a stubborn child, but I just don't want to. My psychiatrist may or may not be in the office because of the holiday this week. I am doubtful he would trust me to detox outpatient with no monitoring really. My GP always just lectured me on how bad alcohol is for me. I don't think she'd do anything except probably tell me I should be in the hospital.
So I am well aware that this is dangerous. I just don't really care. I think I will carry on with my plan to either not drink tomorrow or drink a bit (not liquor). I can probably borrow a blood pressure cuff at school since there's no labs using them and at least check my blood pressure while I'm there. I'm going to be stuck there from 11am to at least 6, so I'm not going to be home alone. Maybe I'll change my mind about the doctor issue. I don't know
Saturday, November 22, 2014
My dumb car
I will probably update this with a photo later, but I can't find the one I'm looking for.
So anyway, I drive a 2001 Plymouth Neon. Manual transmission. It has behaved fairly well since I got it. Bought it for $900 from a friend in 2009 I think. It was cheap because it needed some repairs. My previous car was a 1992 Toyota corolla, and it died.
Current car has needed a bit of work on the brakes and repair on the air conditioning when I got it. Only big repairs lately is replacing some cable in August and replacing the shifter assembly a few weeks back. To me, a few repairs are ok because I'm still spending less than if I bought a new car. One of my current dreams though is to have a job that lets me afford a car payment.
There is one problem with it that I am not sure how to fix. Well, I can't fix it, and I'm not sure who could. A year or so ago I went to dinner with a couple friends (the 2 vampires actually because they were speaking then) at a mexican restaurant. It has a parking lot that is way too small for the number of customers, so people park in the grass. I gave in and parked in the grass. It was muddy so this was in general a bad idea.
Well, I go to leave and manage to get through the mud backing out. However, there was a ledge (not sure that's the right word) of concrete at the edge of the parking lot. The concrete was a few inches higher than the mud, but it didn't seem that bad. I drive over it, and I could tell it was worse than I thought. My car started making a weird noise. I actually stopped on the way home to make sure my bumper was ok. It was, so I couldn't figure out the problem.
The next day, I go to look at it again. It seems the concrete bent some metal/plastic near the tires. There was plastic actually touching the tire, hence the noise. I emailed my dad this, and he and my mom came out later. I said we should cut the plastic piece because it isn't essential to anything. Eventually, my dad agreed with this (after my mom said it too). So they cut the plastic piece that was touching the tire.
The issue is that the metal is still bent, and that we couldn't fix. It does not actually touch the tire, but depending on how the wheels are turned, it comes close.
Well, since then I have relaxed and not worried about it. Recently, I looked and noticed my front tires look pretty worn. It's even on both sides, so it's just normal wear. I drive a lot, so my tires probably need to be replaced more than usual. I realized it was bad a month or so ago because I was driving to a meeting, and it was raining. At one stoplight, I went to go and my tires spun. The way they do if the car can't get enough traction to move. This happened again later driving to my sponsor's house because there's a fairly steep little hill going there.
I have the money for a pair of new tires. That is not a big problem. However, I am not sure the tire shop will replace them with the metal nearly touching. They may not believe that it's ok. They may not want to then be responsible if that does mess up the tire. I am not sure how to address the issue.
Today it is raining. Not hard, but the roads are wet. This makes me very nervous. I went to my sponsor's house after a meeting.. it was weird. Another person was going to go over there to put her clothes in the dryer with some Febreze to get the smoke smell out. My sponsor was supposed to take her daughter to some party, so she mentioned I could go over to open the house since I have a key. I agree to do this. I get there and my sponsor hasn't left yet, so I wasn't needed. I hung out anyway.
Well, a bit after 5 my sponsor gets a call from someone needing a ride to the 6pm meeting. She wasn't feeling well, so she asked me. My car is a mess, which is the excuse I gave. Mostly, I am scared driving my car on wet roads. I am scared the tires will skid when I try to stop. I am simultaneously scared to have someone in the car who might get hurt and ashamed of my shitty tires. I'm also ashamed of my fear. I feel like a bitch now... I did mention the tires after my sponsor got off the phone. I did not express my fear. I did not mention that I am ok with me dying in a car wreck, but I am not ok risking having a passenger in the car. I am not ok with a passenger seeing me panic when the tires spin. I am also not ok with someone hearing the weird noise my car makes that I can't figure out. That doesn't concern me as far as safety, but it does make me feel like my car is shitty.
So I am writing this because I feel guilty. I could have given the person a ride. Just between car problems and social anxiety, I couldn't. Soon I will try replacing the tires. If the place won't do it, I could either make them put the spare on and give me the tire to put on myself. I could switch that front tire for a back tire (they always put the new ones on the back) and either explain or not explain why. They wouldn't have to deal with the problem. My dad's opinion (I know so little about cars that I run things by him) is to try to buy the new ones and if they refuse we'll deal with switching cars. I just hate feeling like a bitch or feeling lazy for not giving the person a ride. My car is just something I have a lot of fear and shame about.
So anyway, I drive a 2001 Plymouth Neon. Manual transmission. It has behaved fairly well since I got it. Bought it for $900 from a friend in 2009 I think. It was cheap because it needed some repairs. My previous car was a 1992 Toyota corolla, and it died.
Current car has needed a bit of work on the brakes and repair on the air conditioning when I got it. Only big repairs lately is replacing some cable in August and replacing the shifter assembly a few weeks back. To me, a few repairs are ok because I'm still spending less than if I bought a new car. One of my current dreams though is to have a job that lets me afford a car payment.
There is one problem with it that I am not sure how to fix. Well, I can't fix it, and I'm not sure who could. A year or so ago I went to dinner with a couple friends (the 2 vampires actually because they were speaking then) at a mexican restaurant. It has a parking lot that is way too small for the number of customers, so people park in the grass. I gave in and parked in the grass. It was muddy so this was in general a bad idea.
Well, I go to leave and manage to get through the mud backing out. However, there was a ledge (not sure that's the right word) of concrete at the edge of the parking lot. The concrete was a few inches higher than the mud, but it didn't seem that bad. I drive over it, and I could tell it was worse than I thought. My car started making a weird noise. I actually stopped on the way home to make sure my bumper was ok. It was, so I couldn't figure out the problem.
The next day, I go to look at it again. It seems the concrete bent some metal/plastic near the tires. There was plastic actually touching the tire, hence the noise. I emailed my dad this, and he and my mom came out later. I said we should cut the plastic piece because it isn't essential to anything. Eventually, my dad agreed with this (after my mom said it too). So they cut the plastic piece that was touching the tire.
The issue is that the metal is still bent, and that we couldn't fix. It does not actually touch the tire, but depending on how the wheels are turned, it comes close.
Well, since then I have relaxed and not worried about it. Recently, I looked and noticed my front tires look pretty worn. It's even on both sides, so it's just normal wear. I drive a lot, so my tires probably need to be replaced more than usual. I realized it was bad a month or so ago because I was driving to a meeting, and it was raining. At one stoplight, I went to go and my tires spun. The way they do if the car can't get enough traction to move. This happened again later driving to my sponsor's house because there's a fairly steep little hill going there.
I have the money for a pair of new tires. That is not a big problem. However, I am not sure the tire shop will replace them with the metal nearly touching. They may not believe that it's ok. They may not want to then be responsible if that does mess up the tire. I am not sure how to address the issue.
Today it is raining. Not hard, but the roads are wet. This makes me very nervous. I went to my sponsor's house after a meeting.. it was weird. Another person was going to go over there to put her clothes in the dryer with some Febreze to get the smoke smell out. My sponsor was supposed to take her daughter to some party, so she mentioned I could go over to open the house since I have a key. I agree to do this. I get there and my sponsor hasn't left yet, so I wasn't needed. I hung out anyway.
Well, a bit after 5 my sponsor gets a call from someone needing a ride to the 6pm meeting. She wasn't feeling well, so she asked me. My car is a mess, which is the excuse I gave. Mostly, I am scared driving my car on wet roads. I am scared the tires will skid when I try to stop. I am simultaneously scared to have someone in the car who might get hurt and ashamed of my shitty tires. I'm also ashamed of my fear. I feel like a bitch now... I did mention the tires after my sponsor got off the phone. I did not express my fear. I did not mention that I am ok with me dying in a car wreck, but I am not ok risking having a passenger in the car. I am not ok with a passenger seeing me panic when the tires spin. I am also not ok with someone hearing the weird noise my car makes that I can't figure out. That doesn't concern me as far as safety, but it does make me feel like my car is shitty.
So I am writing this because I feel guilty. I could have given the person a ride. Just between car problems and social anxiety, I couldn't. Soon I will try replacing the tires. If the place won't do it, I could either make them put the spare on and give me the tire to put on myself. I could switch that front tire for a back tire (they always put the new ones on the back) and either explain or not explain why. They wouldn't have to deal with the problem. My dad's opinion (I know so little about cars that I run things by him) is to try to buy the new ones and if they refuse we'll deal with switching cars. I just hate feeling like a bitch or feeling lazy for not giving the person a ride. My car is just something I have a lot of fear and shame about.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Trust
This is probably going to be a rant. Posts tend to get away from me and end up incredibly long these days.
I had therapy yesterday. I really wanted to cancel it. I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I remember I was in an outpatient addiction program and the therapist said something about people being in therapy for years, and how it meant it wasn't working. I don't remember exactly. He was an asshole, but he has a point. I have made some progress. I'm a different person than I was 5 or more years ago. I am less selfish, and I'm not in as much denial .
Anyway, we ended up talking about trust. I mentioned the thing in the meeting where the woman was basically pointing to me when someone said something that admittedly is something my sponsor has said before.
The issue is that I feel like people in AA talk about me when I'm not there. This is a huge problem with me. I HATE the idea of people talking about me. It could even be good things, but I need to know what was said and who was talking about it. I am not really sure why. So the idea of people talking about me in AA really upsets me. It makes me not want to share or not want to go.
I know my sponsor has talked to her sponsor about me, and I am kind of ok with that because I get that she's supposed to tell her sponsor things. But, I also think she talks to other women she sponsors, and that's what bothers me. The woman who was pointing me out in the meeting really annoys me. I don't entirely know why, but I don't like how she talks to me. Then I worry about who those people talk to. AA people gossip.
The weekend I was going to detox at my sponsor's house I was aware that she told 2 other people she sponsors because they were going to help supervise me when my sponsor was busy. I go to the women's meeting, and my grandsponsor told another woman about it. That woman told another woman who is a doctor, so she could be aware of medical stuff. But anyway, it ended up with a lot of people knowing what I didn't want them to know. I was embarrassed by the whole situations.
Back to my sponsor, I don't know if I mentioned this and I'm too lazy to go back and look. My sponsor's younger daughter (10 years old) pulled up my sleeve and looked at the scars on my arm. Well, when I was there Tuesday, I asked if the daughter had said anything. She said that her older daughter asked about it, and my sponsor just said they were scars and the daughter was ok with that. My sponsor asked the older daughter if she should say something to the younger one, so she told the younger one the same thing.
I am ok with what she told them. It was probably simpler than me making up a lie. My issue is that if I hadn't asked about it, my sponsor might not have told me she talked to her daughters. And that bothers me. I want to know what people know.
In the past, I was a liar. I lied a lot. Knowing what people know helps me know how to interact with them. If they don't know, I can lie. If they know and I lie, they'll know I lied. I tell people I'm fine, and I do see that people don't believe me.
I don't know why I have such trust issues. My therapist says it can affect a person if they were not validated as a child. My parents never dealt with their own problems. They had anxiety and depression, but I was the only one who ended up in therapy. We would go for long periods of time when we just didn't discuss my mental health. My mom has said mean things to me and then denied she ever said it. Everyone thought my family was great, but they didn't see how dysfunctional they were.
So I learned to lie and avoid awkward conversations. I learned my friends had no interest in my problems (I do see now that teenagers are not equipped to handle that sort of information). I was constantly afraid my therapist would tell my parents things since I was a minor. I did not come from a family that deals with emotions. I did not come from a family that talked about things. I couldn't trust my parents to be supportive when I said things. Somehow all this led to this insane fair of people talking about me.
Anyway, I'm supposed to discuss the trust issue with my sponsor. I can't decide if I will because I am aware that I'm overreacting. I am aware that I am completely obsessed with people talking about me. I also keep clinging to the text my sponsor sent about people watching me die. I have OCD tendencies, and one of my problems is I will pick something that was said and obsess over it. I focus on it for days without talking about it. I obsess over thoughts. My mind is screwed up, and I think people are totally unaware. I would after days or weeks mention to a person something they said, and they've moved on. They forget about it. Then they are surprised that I am so bothered by it. It's like a delayed reaction. I don't do it as much now, but I still occasionally obsess over something. I am insane.
I had therapy yesterday. I really wanted to cancel it. I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I remember I was in an outpatient addiction program and the therapist said something about people being in therapy for years, and how it meant it wasn't working. I don't remember exactly. He was an asshole, but he has a point. I have made some progress. I'm a different person than I was 5 or more years ago. I am less selfish, and I'm not in as much denial .
Anyway, we ended up talking about trust. I mentioned the thing in the meeting where the woman was basically pointing to me when someone said something that admittedly is something my sponsor has said before.
The issue is that I feel like people in AA talk about me when I'm not there. This is a huge problem with me. I HATE the idea of people talking about me. It could even be good things, but I need to know what was said and who was talking about it. I am not really sure why. So the idea of people talking about me in AA really upsets me. It makes me not want to share or not want to go.
I know my sponsor has talked to her sponsor about me, and I am kind of ok with that because I get that she's supposed to tell her sponsor things. But, I also think she talks to other women she sponsors, and that's what bothers me. The woman who was pointing me out in the meeting really annoys me. I don't entirely know why, but I don't like how she talks to me. Then I worry about who those people talk to. AA people gossip.
The weekend I was going to detox at my sponsor's house I was aware that she told 2 other people she sponsors because they were going to help supervise me when my sponsor was busy. I go to the women's meeting, and my grandsponsor told another woman about it. That woman told another woman who is a doctor, so she could be aware of medical stuff. But anyway, it ended up with a lot of people knowing what I didn't want them to know. I was embarrassed by the whole situations.
Back to my sponsor, I don't know if I mentioned this and I'm too lazy to go back and look. My sponsor's younger daughter (10 years old) pulled up my sleeve and looked at the scars on my arm. Well, when I was there Tuesday, I asked if the daughter had said anything. She said that her older daughter asked about it, and my sponsor just said they were scars and the daughter was ok with that. My sponsor asked the older daughter if she should say something to the younger one, so she told the younger one the same thing.
I am ok with what she told them. It was probably simpler than me making up a lie. My issue is that if I hadn't asked about it, my sponsor might not have told me she talked to her daughters. And that bothers me. I want to know what people know.
In the past, I was a liar. I lied a lot. Knowing what people know helps me know how to interact with them. If they don't know, I can lie. If they know and I lie, they'll know I lied. I tell people I'm fine, and I do see that people don't believe me.
I don't know why I have such trust issues. My therapist says it can affect a person if they were not validated as a child. My parents never dealt with their own problems. They had anxiety and depression, but I was the only one who ended up in therapy. We would go for long periods of time when we just didn't discuss my mental health. My mom has said mean things to me and then denied she ever said it. Everyone thought my family was great, but they didn't see how dysfunctional they were.
So I learned to lie and avoid awkward conversations. I learned my friends had no interest in my problems (I do see now that teenagers are not equipped to handle that sort of information). I was constantly afraid my therapist would tell my parents things since I was a minor. I did not come from a family that deals with emotions. I did not come from a family that talked about things. I couldn't trust my parents to be supportive when I said things. Somehow all this led to this insane fair of people talking about me.
Anyway, I'm supposed to discuss the trust issue with my sponsor. I can't decide if I will because I am aware that I'm overreacting. I am aware that I am completely obsessed with people talking about me. I also keep clinging to the text my sponsor sent about people watching me die. I have OCD tendencies, and one of my problems is I will pick something that was said and obsess over it. I focus on it for days without talking about it. I obsess over thoughts. My mind is screwed up, and I think people are totally unaware. I would after days or weeks mention to a person something they said, and they've moved on. They forget about it. Then they are surprised that I am so bothered by it. It's like a delayed reaction. I don't do it as much now, but I still occasionally obsess over something. I am insane.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Random moments of sanity
I originally intended to name this random moments of insanity, but I feel like the moments of sanity are fewer and less frequent these days. I mean.. sanity and insanity are not easily defined anyway. I know the definition that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, and I am good at that. Every time I drink, I at least expect not to black out or get hurt. I occasionally think I'll enjoy it or at least enjoy not feeling. I do get to enjoy the latter, but there's always some consequence like the random bruises I kept waking up with.
Anyway, I drank last night after 5 days sober. I was just depressed. It didn't help that i was stuck at school in a very cold office, and all I had eaten was a granola bar at 3pm. But yes.. depressed and hopeless. I debated calling my sponsor or texting her, but I didn't. I texted her Sunday to call me and she never did, and I'll admit I was upset by that. Anyway, I left school and went to the liquor store.
Fast forward to today because last night was nothing unusual. I managed to wake up at 11:10 and make it to the noon meeting (showered and even ate before). It was interesting because the topic was "keep coming back," which seems appropriate. I have managed to keep going to meetings even if I knew I was going to drink. Afterwards, I texted my sponsor to ask if I could grade papers at her house. It's funny. I use the predictive text on my phone (you type a word and it gives you 3-4 words that it thinks will be next as options). Anyway, if I type "Can" it can predict that the next words will be "grade at your house later" because I'd pick a word and it's suggest the next. I guess I ask this a lot. I have a key, but I always ask.
Anyway, it seemed better than spending hours at school grading.. it turned out to be a good choice because I got to school and the office I use (it's shared by a bunch of people) smelled awful. I think it was something in the trash, but I didn't really want to investigate. I suppose going to her house was one of those random moments of sanity.
Well, the insanity bit.. a guy from AA came over later too. She started cooking dinner for everyone. Chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans.. nothing terrible. I asked if I had to eat. She said yes. When I was clearly upset by it, she asked if I'd sit at the table with them and possibly eat. I said yes. I sat down and knew I was going to cry. I'm still not sure if it was the food or sitting with people or both, but I got up and went in the kitchen and told her I couldn't. I curled up in an armchair in another room and did start crying. She commented that she didn't know I was that upset about eating. I tried to say it wasn't that, but I couldn't manage words. I sat there while they ate.
I felt bad because her daughter (the older one the other was in trouble and eating in her room) was at the table when I got up and walked into the kitchen. At some point, I heard her ask if I left (the chair I was in faces away from the kitchen) and I said I was there. My sponsor said I was in a self imposed time out. The look on the daughter's face when I got up was surprise.. before I've always eaten without a fuss (well the fuss took place in another room usually). I figured leaving was probably better than crying at the table.
I did later tell my sponsor the depression had been bad lately. I said I was less suicidal (which was my passive way of saying that i had been suicidal). She asked if I drank last night. I said yes. She asked if I had any left, and I said yes.
The rest of the evening went ok. Well, other than grading lab reports that made me stab myself with the red pen. I'd stop and lay back and stare at the ceiling, then I'd sit up and start again. This happened several times. Occasionally, I'd read her a sentence so she'd understand. I really am not mean. I know the class is hard, but occasionally there are sentences that make absolutely no sense.. and the majority of my students have done poorly on this report. The annoying thing is that I have to grade based on this 2 page long rubric my boss writes, but they are not allowed to see it.. so they don't realize that I'm not being mean that it's not arbitrary. I've had one already email to complain.
I will say (this is the 6th semester I've taught the course) that we tried letting them see the rubric for one report, and they did equally badly (if not worse) on the 2nd. I think that may have been partly my idea. That was kind of a tangent, but I do feel bad giving bad grades even after 3 years. Though, I don't take it personally now.
Anyway, I really have no idea what happened at dinner. I don't know if it was depression or the eating disorder or anxiety. I do know it was a bit embarrassing. I still feel bad seeming insane about things other than alcohol around my sponsor. Mainly, I am ashamed of letting the eating disorder show. I guess because I am overweight, so it seems in my head a bit ridiculous to be this upset by eating food. It's also been 8 years since the bulimia started, and I feel like I should be over this. I know it's not unusual to still have an eating disorder after 8 years. I think it's because my parents' attitude toward the eating and the alcohol and the depression seems to be that I should have grown out of it by now.
Plus, it wasn't just my sponsor. (I really did not expect this to end up so long) Later my sponsor asked something about setting up a blog for her daughter. I told her to try using blogger. I said something about privacy settings to make sure she doesn't get inappropriate comments from random people.. which I've never had a problem with, but I knew she'd be upset if some creep found her and said something. Anyway, I mentioned the way settings can be as far as who reads the blog. I mentioned that mine is public but I only have a handful (and I appreciate every one of you) that read mine regularly. So she asked how people found me. And I said that several people I found and read first, which I think is true.
I made a comment in front of her and the other AA guy about reading eating disorder blogs, which is an oversimplification because I don't just read anything ED related. I care about people I follow and think everyone writes very well. But anyway, I said this and that I watch eating disorder related stuff on youtube.. which is true. Actually, when I'm drunk I always seem to watch certain documentaries or shows. I would wake up and find things open on my tablet. But I said this in front of the guy, so it's possible between that and me leaving the table and asking if I had to eat, he may have gotten a hint of me having a problem with food. My sponsor and maybe one other person are the only ones at AA I have actually admitted having an eating disorder to. In meetings, I will vaguely allude to having problems/addictions beside alcohol that I switch between, but I don't say what they are.
Anyway, I drank last night after 5 days sober. I was just depressed. It didn't help that i was stuck at school in a very cold office, and all I had eaten was a granola bar at 3pm. But yes.. depressed and hopeless. I debated calling my sponsor or texting her, but I didn't. I texted her Sunday to call me and she never did, and I'll admit I was upset by that. Anyway, I left school and went to the liquor store.
Fast forward to today because last night was nothing unusual. I managed to wake up at 11:10 and make it to the noon meeting (showered and even ate before). It was interesting because the topic was "keep coming back," which seems appropriate. I have managed to keep going to meetings even if I knew I was going to drink. Afterwards, I texted my sponsor to ask if I could grade papers at her house. It's funny. I use the predictive text on my phone (you type a word and it gives you 3-4 words that it thinks will be next as options). Anyway, if I type "Can" it can predict that the next words will be "grade at your house later" because I'd pick a word and it's suggest the next. I guess I ask this a lot. I have a key, but I always ask.
Anyway, it seemed better than spending hours at school grading.. it turned out to be a good choice because I got to school and the office I use (it's shared by a bunch of people) smelled awful. I think it was something in the trash, but I didn't really want to investigate. I suppose going to her house was one of those random moments of sanity.
Well, the insanity bit.. a guy from AA came over later too. She started cooking dinner for everyone. Chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans.. nothing terrible. I asked if I had to eat. She said yes. When I was clearly upset by it, she asked if I'd sit at the table with them and possibly eat. I said yes. I sat down and knew I was going to cry. I'm still not sure if it was the food or sitting with people or both, but I got up and went in the kitchen and told her I couldn't. I curled up in an armchair in another room and did start crying. She commented that she didn't know I was that upset about eating. I tried to say it wasn't that, but I couldn't manage words. I sat there while they ate.
I felt bad because her daughter (the older one the other was in trouble and eating in her room) was at the table when I got up and walked into the kitchen. At some point, I heard her ask if I left (the chair I was in faces away from the kitchen) and I said I was there. My sponsor said I was in a self imposed time out. The look on the daughter's face when I got up was surprise.. before I've always eaten without a fuss (well the fuss took place in another room usually). I figured leaving was probably better than crying at the table.
I did later tell my sponsor the depression had been bad lately. I said I was less suicidal (which was my passive way of saying that i had been suicidal). She asked if I drank last night. I said yes. She asked if I had any left, and I said yes.
The rest of the evening went ok. Well, other than grading lab reports that made me stab myself with the red pen. I'd stop and lay back and stare at the ceiling, then I'd sit up and start again. This happened several times. Occasionally, I'd read her a sentence so she'd understand. I really am not mean. I know the class is hard, but occasionally there are sentences that make absolutely no sense.. and the majority of my students have done poorly on this report. The annoying thing is that I have to grade based on this 2 page long rubric my boss writes, but they are not allowed to see it.. so they don't realize that I'm not being mean that it's not arbitrary. I've had one already email to complain.
I will say (this is the 6th semester I've taught the course) that we tried letting them see the rubric for one report, and they did equally badly (if not worse) on the 2nd. I think that may have been partly my idea. That was kind of a tangent, but I do feel bad giving bad grades even after 3 years. Though, I don't take it personally now.
Anyway, I really have no idea what happened at dinner. I don't know if it was depression or the eating disorder or anxiety. I do know it was a bit embarrassing. I still feel bad seeming insane about things other than alcohol around my sponsor. Mainly, I am ashamed of letting the eating disorder show. I guess because I am overweight, so it seems in my head a bit ridiculous to be this upset by eating food. It's also been 8 years since the bulimia started, and I feel like I should be over this. I know it's not unusual to still have an eating disorder after 8 years. I think it's because my parents' attitude toward the eating and the alcohol and the depression seems to be that I should have grown out of it by now.
Plus, it wasn't just my sponsor. (I really did not expect this to end up so long) Later my sponsor asked something about setting up a blog for her daughter. I told her to try using blogger. I said something about privacy settings to make sure she doesn't get inappropriate comments from random people.. which I've never had a problem with, but I knew she'd be upset if some creep found her and said something. Anyway, I mentioned the way settings can be as far as who reads the blog. I mentioned that mine is public but I only have a handful (and I appreciate every one of you) that read mine regularly. So she asked how people found me. And I said that several people I found and read first, which I think is true.
I made a comment in front of her and the other AA guy about reading eating disorder blogs, which is an oversimplification because I don't just read anything ED related. I care about people I follow and think everyone writes very well. But anyway, I said this and that I watch eating disorder related stuff on youtube.. which is true. Actually, when I'm drunk I always seem to watch certain documentaries or shows. I would wake up and find things open on my tablet. But I said this in front of the guy, so it's possible between that and me leaving the table and asking if I had to eat, he may have gotten a hint of me having a problem with food. My sponsor and maybe one other person are the only ones at AA I have actually admitted having an eating disorder to. In meetings, I will vaguely allude to having problems/addictions beside alcohol that I switch between, but I don't say what they are.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
I can't think of a title
Tried to think of something appropriate or clever or whatever for a title, but I'm not going to try tonight. My mind is not working. I'm actually not drunk. Today is day 4 sober (and I really don't want to hear how good that is).
I have gotten very good, too good over the years at acting fine. Or maybe not always fine but ok enough to be left alone. After a while, that only works in public. At home I crash, and tonight is definitely one of those nights.
I picked up my prescription for wellbutrin on Wednesday after not taking it for probably a week. I didn't take it until tonight. I've known for a couple days that things were getting bad. There's this sort of desperate feeling that I start getting when I'm alone. I can drink it away very easily, but I haven't. I have kind of hated myself every night that I chose not to buy vodka because I hate this.
I guess I seem pretty ok. Thursday I had dinner with my parents. Last night I went to school and to a friend's house. I drove back for an AA meeting at 8 because my sponsor said she thought of me when she chose the speaker, so I felt obligated.
It was a good speaker.. Though what I only really focused on was when she was talking about finding her higher power. The woman said her sponsor asked her what kind of things make her feel peaceful (which she said was music) and to bring more of that into her life. I started thinking of what makes me peaceful, and I don't have much. I have things that distract me. Then I thought that depression feels peaceful. Not terrible depression, but that lingering sadness. I realize that's usually why I don't start taking my meds again.. I like that tired sadness.
But I do the same thing every time. I stop taking them and enjoy that sadness until it reaches the point where either I can't function or I start worrying I might do something serious. Sometimes serious is just self harm.. I start thinking a lot about self harm, and I take them again. Or I drink. This time, I was drinking most of the time, and the self harm started and I just didn't care. It's not anything that needed stitches, and at this point a few more scars won't make a damn bit of difference.
I got home last night and I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I needed to grade papers, so I drank a couple cans of diet pepsi and graded until 1am. I stopped at one point to cut myself.. and did again later. I graded and then went to bed.
Before I forget, the thing that was bothering me yesterday.. I texted my sponsor at some point and told her about my therapist going on about how dangerous not drinking was. She asked if I understood what my therapist was saying. I don't remember how the other messages went, but then she sent one that said "Sweetheart, we all see you dying. It's scary. Everyone reacts differently to what is happening." I wanted to text her that I wasn't dying, but I remember her saying a few days before that any doctor would argue. That I just wasn't dying as fast as I want. I didn't say anything because I really didn't want to know what people see. I like to live in my own little world where this isn't hurting anyone. But that stayed on my mind
Today, I went to lunch with a girl from AA and then to a meeting. The meeting was on selfishness. I thought for a bit and then realized that I think I'm not being selfish as long as I don't tell anyone what's going on. I choose to believe nobody can see what's going on.. and there have been several conversations with my sponsor and at least one other person that make it clear it's not true. I just don't know if it's behaviors they see, if it's emotions they see, or if physically I look ill. I didn't end up saying this. Mainly because someone said something about being able to show someone the steps or the answer but you can't make them ready or make them do it.. or something along those lines. Well, this woman who has my same sponsor (the one I've bitched about calling me) looked at me and then at my sponsor.. that kind of thing where I could tell she was silently pointing at me.
Anyway, my sponsor has told me essentially that, so that didn't bother me. It was the feeling that they talk about me when I'm not there. The feeling that my sponsor talks about me with other people. The feeling that other people know things I don't or things I don't want them to know. Or just something, and it made me angry. It made me angry and it made me want to curl up in a little ball or run. I didn't run, but I refused to speak. I hung around a few minutes after the meeting in an attempt to seem ok, and then I went out to my car. I went out to my car and almost started crying, so I went back inside.
I ended up agreeing to go to my sponsor's even though she went to some school play. I graded papers and then we watched tv when she got back around 9. I thought about telling her this, and I couldn't (my heart started racing at the thought of saying it). I did bring up (because it was a reason I hesitated to go to her house) that one of her daughters had noticed the scars on my arm last week. It was the younger one, and I guess the older did see and asked about it. My sponsor said scars and her daughter said ok. She asked the older daughter if the younger saw, and since she did she told the younger one they were scars.. and the daughter said ok. So.. no big deal. Anyway, we watched tv.
I left and got that sinking feeling walking to my car. It was too late to buy liquor. I went home. I walked into the apartment and immediately started crying. I texted my sponsor that I was going to take the wellbutrin. I wanted/want to call and ask if I could sleep on her couch, but I didn't. I won't.
I am supposed to go to church in the morning, but I think I'll make an excuse. I'm tired. I've been having bad dreams every night. I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. I probably shouldn't cancel though she cancelled last weekend. My parents are thankfully out of town.. not sure how late, but I'm just going to go back home and not ask. I do need to search my car for my keys. Otherwise.. I'm just not sure I can handle people. At the moment, I want to curl up and sit on the floor.. but my apartment is a mess, so a chair is less stressful. No liquor stores tomorrow, but I may break down and drink something else. I don't know that I want sobriety.
I have gotten very good, too good over the years at acting fine. Or maybe not always fine but ok enough to be left alone. After a while, that only works in public. At home I crash, and tonight is definitely one of those nights.
I picked up my prescription for wellbutrin on Wednesday after not taking it for probably a week. I didn't take it until tonight. I've known for a couple days that things were getting bad. There's this sort of desperate feeling that I start getting when I'm alone. I can drink it away very easily, but I haven't. I have kind of hated myself every night that I chose not to buy vodka because I hate this.
I guess I seem pretty ok. Thursday I had dinner with my parents. Last night I went to school and to a friend's house. I drove back for an AA meeting at 8 because my sponsor said she thought of me when she chose the speaker, so I felt obligated.
It was a good speaker.. Though what I only really focused on was when she was talking about finding her higher power. The woman said her sponsor asked her what kind of things make her feel peaceful (which she said was music) and to bring more of that into her life. I started thinking of what makes me peaceful, and I don't have much. I have things that distract me. Then I thought that depression feels peaceful. Not terrible depression, but that lingering sadness. I realize that's usually why I don't start taking my meds again.. I like that tired sadness.
But I do the same thing every time. I stop taking them and enjoy that sadness until it reaches the point where either I can't function or I start worrying I might do something serious. Sometimes serious is just self harm.. I start thinking a lot about self harm, and I take them again. Or I drink. This time, I was drinking most of the time, and the self harm started and I just didn't care. It's not anything that needed stitches, and at this point a few more scars won't make a damn bit of difference.
I got home last night and I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I needed to grade papers, so I drank a couple cans of diet pepsi and graded until 1am. I stopped at one point to cut myself.. and did again later. I graded and then went to bed.
Before I forget, the thing that was bothering me yesterday.. I texted my sponsor at some point and told her about my therapist going on about how dangerous not drinking was. She asked if I understood what my therapist was saying. I don't remember how the other messages went, but then she sent one that said "Sweetheart, we all see you dying. It's scary. Everyone reacts differently to what is happening." I wanted to text her that I wasn't dying, but I remember her saying a few days before that any doctor would argue. That I just wasn't dying as fast as I want. I didn't say anything because I really didn't want to know what people see. I like to live in my own little world where this isn't hurting anyone. But that stayed on my mind
Today, I went to lunch with a girl from AA and then to a meeting. The meeting was on selfishness. I thought for a bit and then realized that I think I'm not being selfish as long as I don't tell anyone what's going on. I choose to believe nobody can see what's going on.. and there have been several conversations with my sponsor and at least one other person that make it clear it's not true. I just don't know if it's behaviors they see, if it's emotions they see, or if physically I look ill. I didn't end up saying this. Mainly because someone said something about being able to show someone the steps or the answer but you can't make them ready or make them do it.. or something along those lines. Well, this woman who has my same sponsor (the one I've bitched about calling me) looked at me and then at my sponsor.. that kind of thing where I could tell she was silently pointing at me.
Anyway, my sponsor has told me essentially that, so that didn't bother me. It was the feeling that they talk about me when I'm not there. The feeling that my sponsor talks about me with other people. The feeling that other people know things I don't or things I don't want them to know. Or just something, and it made me angry. It made me angry and it made me want to curl up in a little ball or run. I didn't run, but I refused to speak. I hung around a few minutes after the meeting in an attempt to seem ok, and then I went out to my car. I went out to my car and almost started crying, so I went back inside.
I ended up agreeing to go to my sponsor's even though she went to some school play. I graded papers and then we watched tv when she got back around 9. I thought about telling her this, and I couldn't (my heart started racing at the thought of saying it). I did bring up (because it was a reason I hesitated to go to her house) that one of her daughters had noticed the scars on my arm last week. It was the younger one, and I guess the older did see and asked about it. My sponsor said scars and her daughter said ok. She asked the older daughter if the younger saw, and since she did she told the younger one they were scars.. and the daughter said ok. So.. no big deal. Anyway, we watched tv.
I left and got that sinking feeling walking to my car. It was too late to buy liquor. I went home. I walked into the apartment and immediately started crying. I texted my sponsor that I was going to take the wellbutrin. I wanted/want to call and ask if I could sleep on her couch, but I didn't. I won't.
I am supposed to go to church in the morning, but I think I'll make an excuse. I'm tired. I've been having bad dreams every night. I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. I probably shouldn't cancel though she cancelled last weekend. My parents are thankfully out of town.. not sure how late, but I'm just going to go back home and not ask. I do need to search my car for my keys. Otherwise.. I'm just not sure I can handle people. At the moment, I want to curl up and sit on the floor.. but my apartment is a mess, so a chair is less stressful. No liquor stores tomorrow, but I may break down and drink something else. I don't know that I want sobriety.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Winter
So I fully acknowledge I'm a wimp when it comes to cold. I wasn't as a kid. I loved cold weather. When we moved to Texas, I laughed at people wearing heavy coats when it's 50 F outside. I do still laugh on occasion because I'm less wimpy than some people.
It's 28 out now, which is nothing compared to a lot of other places.
I think when the depression got bad, I lost my ability to tolerate cold. My mood gets terrible. I get tired. I stop wanting to eat or eat compulsively.. one extreme or the other.
Admittedly, I do probably make things worse. When I get depressed, I make poor choices. I pretty traditionally stop taking my meds consistently. I get tired and lazy and run out of some medication. I may refill it at the pharmacy but take a week to pick it up. I did that recently. I went probably a week without my wellbutrin. It was waiting at the pharmacy, but I kept making excuses about getting it. Probably has to do with the drinking becoming my main focus.
On top of that.. I know I hate being cold. Yet, I won't turn my heat on. Or I'll leave the window open and wake up freezing at 2am and close it. Right now the heat is on if the apartment drops below around 60. Not sure how accurate the thermostat is because I can't find the thermometer I used to keep around to check the temperature in the apartment. Generally, I only turn the heat on if my bedroom gets below 60. Yesterday it was around 35 outside and I went out in just a tshirt. I ended up wearing my lab coat just to have something. Now, I'm sitting here wearing jeans, a sweatshirt, and a bathrobe.
I finally put the robe on because the sweatshirt wasn't enough. Now just my hands and feet are cold.
Anyway, I'm whining. I am not in a great mood. I didn't drink last night or tonight. My therapist decided that instead of being happy about that she should tell me how dangerous it is to stop drinking. It is, but so is drinking a bottle of vodka everyday. The reason I'm wearing a sweatshirt (besides the cold) is that I have a couple of nasty bruises on my arms I didn't want my parents to see. I have a few on my arms, a couple on my legs, and a scrape on my knee. All from while I was blacked out. I got a lecture about that and a lecture about needing to eat. It was really frustrating.
Then on top of that, I keep my keys for school (2 for classrooms, 1 for a shared office, and a few from when I was doing research) separate from my car and house keys. I can't find them. They were in my backpack monday. They're not there now. I thought they were in my very messy car, but I haven't found them yet. Oh and my flashdrive is attached to them. It's $7 to replace each key, and I have to report them missing before I can order replacements. The department won't be happy about that. I lost them once before but found them 2 days later.
Hopefully they'll turn up before I have to teach Monday. I have a ton of grading to do. Plus, I'm supposed to email all my students about these stupid presentations they are supposed to do next week. It's like 1-2minutes per person, and I wasn't really able to assign them in class because 1 class was cancelled, 1 was missing 5 people, and 1 found out there was not a quiz and practically ran out before i could say anything. I just don't want to deal with this. And I really want a drink. I would very much like a day to sit at home all day with a bottle of vodka and forget everything.
It's 28 out now, which is nothing compared to a lot of other places.
I think when the depression got bad, I lost my ability to tolerate cold. My mood gets terrible. I get tired. I stop wanting to eat or eat compulsively.. one extreme or the other.
Admittedly, I do probably make things worse. When I get depressed, I make poor choices. I pretty traditionally stop taking my meds consistently. I get tired and lazy and run out of some medication. I may refill it at the pharmacy but take a week to pick it up. I did that recently. I went probably a week without my wellbutrin. It was waiting at the pharmacy, but I kept making excuses about getting it. Probably has to do with the drinking becoming my main focus.
On top of that.. I know I hate being cold. Yet, I won't turn my heat on. Or I'll leave the window open and wake up freezing at 2am and close it. Right now the heat is on if the apartment drops below around 60. Not sure how accurate the thermostat is because I can't find the thermometer I used to keep around to check the temperature in the apartment. Generally, I only turn the heat on if my bedroom gets below 60. Yesterday it was around 35 outside and I went out in just a tshirt. I ended up wearing my lab coat just to have something. Now, I'm sitting here wearing jeans, a sweatshirt, and a bathrobe.
I finally put the robe on because the sweatshirt wasn't enough. Now just my hands and feet are cold.
Anyway, I'm whining. I am not in a great mood. I didn't drink last night or tonight. My therapist decided that instead of being happy about that she should tell me how dangerous it is to stop drinking. It is, but so is drinking a bottle of vodka everyday. The reason I'm wearing a sweatshirt (besides the cold) is that I have a couple of nasty bruises on my arms I didn't want my parents to see. I have a few on my arms, a couple on my legs, and a scrape on my knee. All from while I was blacked out. I got a lecture about that and a lecture about needing to eat. It was really frustrating.
Then on top of that, I keep my keys for school (2 for classrooms, 1 for a shared office, and a few from when I was doing research) separate from my car and house keys. I can't find them. They were in my backpack monday. They're not there now. I thought they were in my very messy car, but I haven't found them yet. Oh and my flashdrive is attached to them. It's $7 to replace each key, and I have to report them missing before I can order replacements. The department won't be happy about that. I lost them once before but found them 2 days later.
Hopefully they'll turn up before I have to teach Monday. I have a ton of grading to do. Plus, I'm supposed to email all my students about these stupid presentations they are supposed to do next week. It's like 1-2minutes per person, and I wasn't really able to assign them in class because 1 class was cancelled, 1 was missing 5 people, and 1 found out there was not a quiz and practically ran out before i could say anything. I just don't want to deal with this. And I really want a drink. I would very much like a day to sit at home all day with a bottle of vodka and forget everything.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Tonight
I do not know with certainty that I will remember this tomorrow, but I know this tonight. I had ~20 shots of vodka. Basically, 1 bottle minus a couple shots. The difference is that I am now aware of what I am writing.
I may black out later, but for now... I have had a lot to drink. I did eat a lot considering.. but I guess that only is equivalent to 2 meals. The biggest detail is that I poured out the vodka left over. I also poured what was left from yesterday.
I talked to my sponsor yesterday. The main idea was that 1-2 days sober do not give me an idea of what sobriety is life. I haven't been more than a few days sober recently, so what do I know about sobriety?
She says she prays about me every morning. I really wish she didn't. It seems a waste of time, but it seems disrespectful to say that. She has the right to pray as she wishes. I need to just accept this. I need to just deal with life. This may include drinking or not. I am really too drunk to have much insight, but I felt I should say something. I will say more later.
I may black out later, but for now... I have had a lot to drink. I did eat a lot considering.. but I guess that only is equivalent to 2 meals. The biggest detail is that I poured out the vodka left over. I also poured what was left from yesterday.
I talked to my sponsor yesterday. The main idea was that 1-2 days sober do not give me an idea of what sobriety is life. I haven't been more than a few days sober recently, so what do I know about sobriety?
She says she prays about me every morning. I really wish she didn't. It seems a waste of time, but it seems disrespectful to say that. She has the right to pray as she wishes. I need to just accept this. I need to just deal with life. This may include drinking or not. I am really too drunk to have much insight, but I felt I should say something. I will say more later.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
I don't know if I want this
I drank a bottle (750ml) of vodka last night.. I didn't plan to finish it. I do actually remember finishing it.. I did spill some pouring the last shot. I don't remember all of last night, but I do remember the last shot.
I don't know if I want to be sober. I don't know if I want to get better. I do wish I could remember what I do at night. I wish I didn't shake.. today it wasn't just my hands, I get weird muscle spasms/twitches. Like my whole foot or leg would move.
It's Sunday so liquor stores are closed, and I didn't have any more at home. I went to a movie with my parents, and I felt weird when we left. It's happened before.. it feels like I'm dreaming. I can't focus well and things don't feel real.
I really probably shouldn't have driven home. It's more than 30 miles. It was complicated (well I guess this might not normally be complicated) because an exit I take was closed so I had to go a different way. I was having trouble focusing on more than the car ahead of me.
So I made it home safe, and I really would have stopped if I didn't think I could do it. I texted my sponsor when I got home about it because I felt someone should be aware in case I have any detox problems since I was drinking so much this past week.
I sat around watching tv. I kept eating random stuff.. which became a mini-binge (a bowl of cereal, bread with tomato sauce, a couple cookies) and purge. It was stupid.
Now I'm debating going to bed.. I took my normal meds plus a trazadone and melatonin. I'm tired but I'm also kinda stuck in depression, so i keep watching tv and staring at the computer.
I found myself thinking earlier that maybe I'm not ready to get sober. I don't know if I want it. I don't know what I want anymore. School is stressful and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I am down to maybe 4 friends outside of AA. I hide the drinking in AA. I hide the eating disorder and the cutting from everyone. I hate myself. I hate that my apartment is a mess. I hate that I have no life. I think I need help, but I don't want to ask for it. I don't think anything would help. Maybe if I went away somewhere to a proper rehab. But it's not going to happen. So I feel like I'm stuck this way.
I don't know if I want to be sober. I don't know if I want to get better. I do wish I could remember what I do at night. I wish I didn't shake.. today it wasn't just my hands, I get weird muscle spasms/twitches. Like my whole foot or leg would move.
It's Sunday so liquor stores are closed, and I didn't have any more at home. I went to a movie with my parents, and I felt weird when we left. It's happened before.. it feels like I'm dreaming. I can't focus well and things don't feel real.
I really probably shouldn't have driven home. It's more than 30 miles. It was complicated (well I guess this might not normally be complicated) because an exit I take was closed so I had to go a different way. I was having trouble focusing on more than the car ahead of me.
So I made it home safe, and I really would have stopped if I didn't think I could do it. I texted my sponsor when I got home about it because I felt someone should be aware in case I have any detox problems since I was drinking so much this past week.
I sat around watching tv. I kept eating random stuff.. which became a mini-binge (a bowl of cereal, bread with tomato sauce, a couple cookies) and purge. It was stupid.
Now I'm debating going to bed.. I took my normal meds plus a trazadone and melatonin. I'm tired but I'm also kinda stuck in depression, so i keep watching tv and staring at the computer.
I found myself thinking earlier that maybe I'm not ready to get sober. I don't know if I want it. I don't know what I want anymore. School is stressful and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I am down to maybe 4 friends outside of AA. I hide the drinking in AA. I hide the eating disorder and the cutting from everyone. I hate myself. I hate that my apartment is a mess. I hate that I have no life. I think I need help, but I don't want to ask for it. I don't think anything would help. Maybe if I went away somewhere to a proper rehab. But it's not going to happen. So I feel like I'm stuck this way.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Shaking
So I'm back to having really bad hand tremors. I think someone in AA noticed. I tried to keep my hands folded or under the table, but when I would pick up my diet coke my hand would shake. It happened last night too but I don't know if anyone was paying attention.
It's embarrassing because it's a pretty clear sign to others that I relapsed. They may have known anyway. I can't bring myself to actually admit it.
To make AA even more uncomfortable today, my pants almost fell off. I keep thinking that I don't need to wear a belt. The jeans I was wearing used to be kinda tight. Obviously not so much now. Thankfully I caught them and nobody was watching. I was planning to go get lunch after, and I didn't want to hold my pants up the whole time. I managed to loop the wrist strap from my wallet between 2 belt loops on my pants which worked.
It's dumb. I know my jeans have been loose and that I always regret not wearing a belt, but I still tell myself I don't need one. I think my brain just will not actually accept that I've lost weight. I mean.. my clothes are loose, I tried on a pair of jeans in a size I haven't been able to wear for a while, I bought a damn scale.. but I hate myself enough to believe I can't be any thinner. The last pair of jeans I bought fit when I tried them on but the next day I wore them and they were baggy. I fail at buying clothes. I also hate buying jeans/pants. I can buy tops because I don't generally buy ones i have to try on. If I give in and admit I need new jeans, I actually have to try them on because I don't know what brand/size will fit.
So the solution, wear a belt. I put a note on the dry erase board on my door as a reminder.
I'm also a bit annoyed with my sponsor. She called this morning around 9:30.. and she knows I'm probably still in bed if it's before 10. But anyway, she asked what I was doing today and I said I had no plans. She told me what she was doing. I think the idea was to see if I wanted to go with her. Something about a friend visiting and going to a car show. Then she mentioned cooking dinner. I said maybe to dinner and no to the car show. She mentioned going to the womens meeting. I went, and she didn't go. So I didn't want to go to her house anyway. I realized that if the friend was visiting, that would mean he would be there for dinner, and I'm not up to meeting anyone new. So I got lunch and vodka and went home.
*** added a bit later
Sitting around watching shows on netflix. It was interesting a woman in AA mentioned not knowing how to live life and how most days were sitting around drinking and watching netflix. It really summed up my life. I spend my time drinking and staring at the computer or tv. I've had about 18 shots of vodka so far. It's only 9.. so I'm sure I'll have more. Should I finish the bottle? Should I drink more and skip church? Should I stop now and drink more in the morning to stop the shakes? Alcoholism is so fucked up. So many decisions that every option is unhealthy
I mentioned today in meeting that I am mixing alcohol and medication because to me the options are 1. take medication as prescribed and drink or 2. drink and skip medication. The idea of taking medication and not drinking seems impossible.. so the assumption is that I will drink and that I may or may not take my medication as prescribed.
I hate my life. I drank a lot... I was planning to drink all of the bottle. I got to almost the bottom. I poured it into the shot glass and back into the bottle and back into the glass. I ended up with what was left in the glass after whatever was spilled.
It's embarrassing because it's a pretty clear sign to others that I relapsed. They may have known anyway. I can't bring myself to actually admit it.
To make AA even more uncomfortable today, my pants almost fell off. I keep thinking that I don't need to wear a belt. The jeans I was wearing used to be kinda tight. Obviously not so much now. Thankfully I caught them and nobody was watching. I was planning to go get lunch after, and I didn't want to hold my pants up the whole time. I managed to loop the wrist strap from my wallet between 2 belt loops on my pants which worked.
It's dumb. I know my jeans have been loose and that I always regret not wearing a belt, but I still tell myself I don't need one. I think my brain just will not actually accept that I've lost weight. I mean.. my clothes are loose, I tried on a pair of jeans in a size I haven't been able to wear for a while, I bought a damn scale.. but I hate myself enough to believe I can't be any thinner. The last pair of jeans I bought fit when I tried them on but the next day I wore them and they were baggy. I fail at buying clothes. I also hate buying jeans/pants. I can buy tops because I don't generally buy ones i have to try on. If I give in and admit I need new jeans, I actually have to try them on because I don't know what brand/size will fit.
So the solution, wear a belt. I put a note on the dry erase board on my door as a reminder.
I'm also a bit annoyed with my sponsor. She called this morning around 9:30.. and she knows I'm probably still in bed if it's before 10. But anyway, she asked what I was doing today and I said I had no plans. She told me what she was doing. I think the idea was to see if I wanted to go with her. Something about a friend visiting and going to a car show. Then she mentioned cooking dinner. I said maybe to dinner and no to the car show. She mentioned going to the womens meeting. I went, and she didn't go. So I didn't want to go to her house anyway. I realized that if the friend was visiting, that would mean he would be there for dinner, and I'm not up to meeting anyone new. So I got lunch and vodka and went home.
*** added a bit later
Sitting around watching shows on netflix. It was interesting a woman in AA mentioned not knowing how to live life and how most days were sitting around drinking and watching netflix. It really summed up my life. I spend my time drinking and staring at the computer or tv. I've had about 18 shots of vodka so far. It's only 9.. so I'm sure I'll have more. Should I finish the bottle? Should I drink more and skip church? Should I stop now and drink more in the morning to stop the shakes? Alcoholism is so fucked up. So many decisions that every option is unhealthy
I mentioned today in meeting that I am mixing alcohol and medication because to me the options are 1. take medication as prescribed and drink or 2. drink and skip medication. The idea of taking medication and not drinking seems impossible.. so the assumption is that I will drink and that I may or may not take my medication as prescribed.
I hate my life. I drank a lot... I was planning to drink all of the bottle. I got to almost the bottom. I poured it into the shot glass and back into the bottle and back into the glass. I ended up with what was left in the glass after whatever was spilled.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Brief update
I wanted to leave a brief update because I realize how bleak and depressing the last few posts were. I think I've been wallowing in self pity lately. My life honestly isn't that bad.. I mean I have a job and a place to live and friends. I'm just exhausted. Plus, I've been blacking out every night, and that really bothers me. I wish I could get really drunk and still at least remember going to bed. I have had to decide in the morning if I took a shower or took my meds the previous night.
I had therapy today.. it wasn't very productive because I didn't know what to talk about it. She lectured me some about eating and about self harm. She keeps saying how she's amazed I can teach without eating or function without eating, which is not very helpful. She says it's making my depression worse. The self harm she asked how I could do something to myself that I wouldn't do to anyone else.. and that makes no sense really. Hurting other people would upset me and be pointless. As illogical as it may be, hurting myself helps me in some way. I get that I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but her argument misses the point.
She says I need to think about what I'm willing to do.. she mentioned staying with my sponsor, but I also think she may be hinting at me going back into the hospital or rehab. That thought has been on my mind, but it seems pointless since I relapsed every time I went somewhere. I've done psych wards, rehab, outpatient programs, and support groups. I mean.. the rehab I went to was shitty, but I am not sure I can come up with money to go somewhere else. And I don't have time to go somewhere more than a few weeks. Still.. I'm not completely opposed to it. I need a break from myself.
For now, I'm functioning. I admitted to my sponsor about buying the scale which was pretty much intended to make things worse. I haven't admitted the self harm or actually admitted the drinking. I am pretty sure she's figured out I've been drinking because I haven't been calling. I'm still going to meetings. I ended up at 3 Tuesday. I went at noon to get away from school. I went to hang out at her house after school and went with her at 6. Then another girl and I had planned to go at 8 to a new group. We're trying to find somewhere a little healthier than my current home group.. which has gotten kinda gossipy and dramatic lately.
So I am surviving. The suicidal thoughts haven't been as bad. I just feel hopeless.
I had therapy today.. it wasn't very productive because I didn't know what to talk about it. She lectured me some about eating and about self harm. She keeps saying how she's amazed I can teach without eating or function without eating, which is not very helpful. She says it's making my depression worse. The self harm she asked how I could do something to myself that I wouldn't do to anyone else.. and that makes no sense really. Hurting other people would upset me and be pointless. As illogical as it may be, hurting myself helps me in some way. I get that I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but her argument misses the point.
She says I need to think about what I'm willing to do.. she mentioned staying with my sponsor, but I also think she may be hinting at me going back into the hospital or rehab. That thought has been on my mind, but it seems pointless since I relapsed every time I went somewhere. I've done psych wards, rehab, outpatient programs, and support groups. I mean.. the rehab I went to was shitty, but I am not sure I can come up with money to go somewhere else. And I don't have time to go somewhere more than a few weeks. Still.. I'm not completely opposed to it. I need a break from myself.
For now, I'm functioning. I admitted to my sponsor about buying the scale which was pretty much intended to make things worse. I haven't admitted the self harm or actually admitted the drinking. I am pretty sure she's figured out I've been drinking because I haven't been calling. I'm still going to meetings. I ended up at 3 Tuesday. I went at noon to get away from school. I went to hang out at her house after school and went with her at 6. Then another girl and I had planned to go at 8 to a new group. We're trying to find somewhere a little healthier than my current home group.. which has gotten kinda gossipy and dramatic lately.
So I am surviving. The suicidal thoughts haven't been as bad. I just feel hopeless.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Getting better or worse
My last post was kinda depressing.. and triggering.. and focused on everything that I am doing wrong. Really, life is more complicated. I do fear things are getting worse.
I had an ok day. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I slept a lot.. I blacked out probably and don't know when I went to bed.. but I got at least 9 hours. My room was cold, and I wanted to stay in bed.. though I think one of my cats was trying to get me out of bed. I woke up at the edge of the bed with him against my back.. a few more inches and he'd have the bed and I'd have the floor. He's a jerk.
I went to church and lunch with a friend. I went to my parents' house. I feel like Sundays are a vacation from life. I pretend so much that things are fine that I believe it. Driving home it doesn't feel that way.
I am terrified about teaching tomorrow.. it's probably dumb, but there is some ceremony November 10th for a chancellor or something at school. It means the class I teach at 11am is cancelled that day. That means I must cover 2 weeks of material tomorrow. That class in particular takes a while to absorb information, and I fear I will go through things too fast. I will do something wrong. I do NOT like change. This has never happened at this point in the semester before. I am tired and everything is hard.
Then I have been listening to a band/group I was a big fan of in high school. That's not a good thing. There's this one song (Group is Bright Eyes) If Winter Ends that has this part
"But I give myself three days to feel better
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
'cause if I can't learn to make myself feel better
How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
That was a big part of my suicide plan when I was 16. I changed 3 days to 3 months because it would take time to get what I needs since I didn't have a car. Obviously, I didn't do it, but that association remained in my head. So this is not good music to listen to.
Well there's this song "Lua" that perfectly summarizes my life. There's multiple lines that do, but this is what I focused on
"And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live"
The last bit... I live a functional life. I survive and work and live, but I sure as hell would not wish this life on anyone. There's another song that says "I know my actions are impossible to justify, but they seem adequate to fill up my time" that fills in the rest.
I live a life. I cope with whatever the problem is that causes so much emotional/mental pain and fear. I live it with alcohol and bulimia and restricting and self harm and sometimes abusing medication. I do so many things wrong to cope with my life. And I do not know the reason or the trouble, but I know it hurts. I know I feel empty and scared. I live a life to deal with this but no real way to resolve the original problem. It clearly isn't going well. The pain doesn't leave. The fear and emptiness doesn't leave. But I live because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I fear what would happen if I died.
I feel like I should tell someone this, but I really don't think telling my therapist would help. Telling my parents is useless. I could tell my sponsor, but it really isn't her job to deal with the non alcohol part. I know she cares, but I feel like I am placing so much hope on her. I am scared. Things are getting worse, and I don't know what to do or who to tell.. so yeah...
I had an ok day. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I slept a lot.. I blacked out probably and don't know when I went to bed.. but I got at least 9 hours. My room was cold, and I wanted to stay in bed.. though I think one of my cats was trying to get me out of bed. I woke up at the edge of the bed with him against my back.. a few more inches and he'd have the bed and I'd have the floor. He's a jerk.
I went to church and lunch with a friend. I went to my parents' house. I feel like Sundays are a vacation from life. I pretend so much that things are fine that I believe it. Driving home it doesn't feel that way.
I am terrified about teaching tomorrow.. it's probably dumb, but there is some ceremony November 10th for a chancellor or something at school. It means the class I teach at 11am is cancelled that day. That means I must cover 2 weeks of material tomorrow. That class in particular takes a while to absorb information, and I fear I will go through things too fast. I will do something wrong. I do NOT like change. This has never happened at this point in the semester before. I am tired and everything is hard.
Then I have been listening to a band/group I was a big fan of in high school. That's not a good thing. There's this one song (Group is Bright Eyes) If Winter Ends that has this part
"But I give myself three days to feel better
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
'cause if I can't learn to make myself feel better
How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
That was a big part of my suicide plan when I was 16. I changed 3 days to 3 months because it would take time to get what I needs since I didn't have a car. Obviously, I didn't do it, but that association remained in my head. So this is not good music to listen to.
Well there's this song "Lua" that perfectly summarizes my life. There's multiple lines that do, but this is what I focused on
"And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live"
The last bit... I live a functional life. I survive and work and live, but I sure as hell would not wish this life on anyone. There's another song that says "I know my actions are impossible to justify, but they seem adequate to fill up my time" that fills in the rest.
I live a life. I cope with whatever the problem is that causes so much emotional/mental pain and fear. I live it with alcohol and bulimia and restricting and self harm and sometimes abusing medication. I do so many things wrong to cope with my life. And I do not know the reason or the trouble, but I know it hurts. I know I feel empty and scared. I live a life to deal with this but no real way to resolve the original problem. It clearly isn't going well. The pain doesn't leave. The fear and emptiness doesn't leave. But I live because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I fear what would happen if I died.
I feel like I should tell someone this, but I really don't think telling my therapist would help. Telling my parents is useless. I could tell my sponsor, but it really isn't her job to deal with the non alcohol part. I know she cares, but I feel like I am placing so much hope on her. I am scared. Things are getting worse, and I don't know what to do or who to tell.. so yeah...
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