The unexpected

I feel like I have been writing too much. I guess it doesn't really matter since nobody is forced to read it.

Today was actually better than expected. I mean I expected crying and exhaustion and generally terrible, so it didn't take a lot to turn out better. I guess after Thursday night and Friday being horrible with my stomach, today I was finally hungry enough to be motivated to eat. I had Taco Bell for lunch and after some debate picked up WhichWich for dinner at work. I got a turkey sandwich with pickles and extra mustard... can you tell I'm dehydrated and craving salt? I have a weird thing for mustard that started when the eating disorder was at its worst. Other food is just a vessel to transport the mustard. Crackers or rice cakes with mustard.. when I was vegan I got made fun of at work for making "sandwiches" when the caterer brought sandwich stuff because mine were just bread with mustard. I have also eaten it straight from the packet. Anyway, this is more than I have managed to eat in a few days.

Work was ok. I was tired but not as bad as some nights. I chickened out about talking to the manager. I have all sorts of anxiety about telling her, and I can't tell if any is logical. I didn't want to do it on a day when so many people were working overtime because I didn't want to make it seem like I meant I was treated unfairly. I didn't want to just sound like I was complaining. I don't want her to interpret this as me not being able to do my job and have my health be an excuse for them to start looking for reasons to fire me. I didn't want to ruin anyone's holiday. I worry that I don't know how much is appropriate to tell her. There's more crazy thinking but I will stop there. I am still wondering what she knows because I did see both the supervisor and manager look at me when they were talking. The supervisor had me not do reconfirmations tonight and my paranoid mind is debating if this is because yesterday I said that I couldn't handle much more of this stress and overtime and pressure or if I made some mistake or haven't been doing enough. That again made me wonder if she discussed this with anyone.

Whatever. We are finally caught up. This does increase the likelihood of me being able to take time off with less guilt. The problem now I think is that I put this off so long that I care so little about surviving. It is so hard to find the motivation to get help to get better when I am fine with dying. It is hard when work matters more to me than life. And I am relying on the discomfort of being sick to motivate me and having to ignore the thoughts that sick=dying. I have to remember that I might not die any time soon and don't want to spend years having to plan and time my meals to avoid spending my nights standing over the toilet.

AA talks about death as one of the outcomes of alcoholism. I have said it in meetings that it doesn't spend much time talking about how long drinking yourself to death can take. It doesn't talk about how infuriating it can be to be drinking for years and physically healthy. So I have to remind myself. I know it doesn't take much to go from healthy to dying, but it isn't predictable.

It's new year's eve, and I am laying in bed. We got off work a bit early. I don't know how I will spend tomorrow. I am not making any resolutions. The only one I considered was to die before my next birthday, but I don't intend to actually make a resolution. If it happens, it happens. I have no other goals at the moment. Tonight I just want to get some sleep. Probably will go shopping tomorrow because it's something other than lying in bed?

I have been thinking about sending the manager an email or writing a note about what's going on since I can't seem to say anything. I can't decide if this is too weird or crazy. I have done this with therapists and doctors and parents and friends, but it seems too personal to do with a coworker. Plus, I don't like the idea of anyone having physical evidence of anything related to this. I even refuse to send Skype messages about certain things because I know the computer saves them and I know that deleting the saved conversations might not stop them being able to find them if they try. I also keep thinking that I don't want this to be like the bank. I got too many people too involved with my insanity there because I was miserable and hated that job.

At this job, I have not been so obvious about the eating disorder. I have purged a couple times but never binged or chew/spit or any of what I openly did at the bank. I stopped trying to hide all scars but at the bank I would leave blades visible in my purse, and I have done nothing like that. I have never overdosed on pills at work.. and I try to be subtle about taking any medication. So I know I am not doing some of the horrible things I did then. Just any time I think about my personal problems affecting a coworker, I am reminded of things I have done. I think it's because I am not sure when my behavior crossed the line from being crazy but not intending to harm anyone to being manipulative and attention seeking. I didn't even really acknowledge how much I was seeking attention until later, and that's why I am scared that it will happen again and I won't realize until the damage is done. But it's hard because I get the impression that some of these people care about me. I think that they would be hurt and possibly permanently affected if I died. I was thinking today about this little toy I have on my desk of Sadness from the movie Inside Out and wondered if I killed myself, what would happen to it? Would it get thrown away? Would they keep it to remember me? Then you would have this little sadness figure belonging to a dead woman who worked for the company.. and that's interesting to ponder. So I am weighing the cost of telling someone personal problems that may cause them worry (like admitting being suicidal) versus the risk of not telling them and taking an action that could affect them (killing myself or attempting suicide). I know several of these people from school as well and so have known them for years, so it's even more complicated.

I don't know. Tomorrow I think I will go shopping. Monday we are also closed, but that is too far ahead to think. I also am hoping if I do go to the hospital to not tell my parents. This means either schedule it around the day I normally see them, so they have no reason to question where I am.. or lie. I would prefer to just not tell them. It's complicated by not knowing how long the hospital would keep me. I will think more about it when better rested.

Darkness

I am having a rough day and it hasn't even really started. I was up until at least 3 and vomited 5 or 6 times. Physically, I know I am dehydrated. Starting a few hours ago, I have been trying to eat.. I managed a bit of cereal and now crackers. I really wish I had applesauce. I have also had a few shots of vodka and a bit of water. My legs keep cramping up, so I know I probably eventually need something with potassium.

Mentally, I feel beyond hopeless. I considered calling my mom and admitting everything. I have ignored 3 phone calls from random numbers. The thing is that I am scared to answer my phone because I know I have a couple hospital bills I am behind on paying. It isn't that I don't have the money. I just cannot manage to do things. I don't check my email. I don't open bills. Ever since losing my last debit card I have still only managed to sort out some of what it was being used for. I just feel absolutely paralyzed most of the time, and I really don't know how to fix it. I haven't actually admitted this anywhere but here.

The calls just remind me of how much I may have fucked up my life. They may be nothing. I am too scared to answer and deal with it.

I very much wish I was dead. I am doing what I can to make it through the day. The cats are being cuddly.. either they are concerned or it's because the apartment is cold. That doesn't matter. I know that they need me. I remind myself that if I died there is a chance nobody would find them in time and they might too. I know that if I died my parents might not be able to handle another 2 cats and (although I doubt they would do this) they could end up in a shelter and not find another home. So as pathetic as it is, they keep me alive because I can't stand that thought.

I am not sure how work will be today. Either it will snap me out of this for a while or I will probably break down and tell someone how scared I am. I am terrified of how dark and hopeless things feel and how helpless I feel to change it. I really want to ask what kind of impression they think it gives for me to tell my supervisor that I might need to go to a hospital because I am concerned about my health and a couple hours later be asked to work on my day off. How hard it makes it for me to actually get help. This is obviously not their fault, but it is a factor. I am beyond exhausted and sick and I am more concerned about work than any of that. I mean admittedly being suicidal is not a new feeling, but I am struggling so much to believe that it matters. I am struggling to believe honestly that me dying is worth caring about and is worth inconveniencing anyone. I truly wonder if they would be upset. For now, I am going to lay in bed and eat crackers and I will face the day when I have to.

After work update ** I survived. I stayed in bed until 2pm crying and watching Nurse Jackie on Netflix. I took a tomato soup to work. I ended up eating half a yogurt and some fruit as well. I stood up to talk to a coworker and everything went white and I had to grab onto the cubicle. My legs are still cramped. All day people were talking about tomorrow and who is working on their day off and who is working what hours. I eventually just straight up told my supervisor I can't keep working overtime. I said I was sick all night and cried all morning. I still didn't mention being suicidal but I tried to be as clear as possible that I can't handle this. She told me to talk to the manager. I really wish she would just say something for me, but I guess I will have to do it. I don't know if it will be tomorrow. It seems awful to bring it up on new year's eve and when the manager is working on her day off. I guess I will take this a day at a time. Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will feel well and rested. Unlikely. But possible.

Tired and scared

I am not having a very good night. I left work around 8:45 and cried a bit driving home. I feel like I probably should have stayed longer but I didn't feel like trying to eat something and I knew if I stayed longer without eating I would end up super sick later. It's also my day off, so if I feel like only working 5 hours then that's what I will do. I am just tired and beyond frustrated.

Nobody said anything about what I told the supervisor yesterday, so I really am not sure if she mentioned it to anyone. The manager was perfectly nice the couple times I had to talk to her about work stuff.

Since getting home, the suicidal thoughts have gotten worse. I briefly considered texting my supervisor to say I was going to the ER, but since my goal is not to go to the psych ward.. showing up at the ER for being suicidal probably won't help with that goal. I then considered calling a friend and asking her if I could sleep on her couch, but I don't feel like driving and didn't want to make her come get me. Plus, I know I won't sleep well if I am not in my own bed, and the reason why my thinking is worse is probably exhaustion. So I have settled on staying in bed as much as possible and trying not to think. I don't even really have that many pills in the apartment. I am too lazy to look for knives or razors. So really all I am likely to do is drink and watch Netflix until I go to sleep.

I will call someone if it gets worse. Tomorrow if anyone says anything about what time I went home I intend to tell them that I was not mentally well enough to be there. I am past caring about how much I work compared to others. I have worked so many times when I was seriously depressed or suicidal or physically ill. I don't owe them anything more. Some people can work a lot of overtime. For me it eventually leads to nights like tonight where I desperately want to die, so I can't work more than this until I am healthier. I need rest.

So.. what now? (Updated)

Not having a very good day. I have gotten a million phone calls. Several were while I was still in bed. I answered one but ignored the rest assuming if it was super important that they would leave a voicemail.

It was super weird that I had a dream about seeing my GP and talking about my last appointment, and then I had a call from a local area code that is the one I did answer. It was someone at my GP's office calling about my labs. It really kinda upset me because the woman said something about my thyroid being off and how I had said I wasn't taking the levothyroxine. Her voice sounded like she was almost laughing when she said it. I mean I get that it's obvious that my thyroid levels would be off if I am not taking my meds, but it isn't funny to me because I'm not taking it because I am barely functioning. I was probably grumpy and tired and reading too much into her tone, but it bothered me. She also said my liver function was slightly abnormal but that could be fixed by taking the levothyroxine. Nothing about the alcohol. I think I was almost hoping that something would be wrong with the tests, and it has been a couple weeks so maybe they would be worse now.

I was just not in a good mood today. I threw up before leaving for work. I drove to work thinking that 30 seems like a pretty good age to die. I mean really I've always assumed I would be dead by 30. I even thought it could be my new year's resolution to be dead before I turn 31. I realized that is a pretty fucked up thought.. and I managed to tell my supervisor that I need to talk to her. I did not succeed in actually doing it. I just was so nauseous and tired by midnight that I couldn't make myself do it. I am going in on my day off Wednesday again because I feel guilty, so I will try to tell her then. She didn't ask me to work. She said I didn't have to, but the guilt is too much and honestly I realize that it probably is best I not spend the day alone when I am pretty suicidal. So I will work a few hours and try to tell her what's going on.

I looked into options for boarding my cats if I decide not to tell my parents that I am going to hospital. I found some reasonable options. The current obstacle preventing me from going tonight is that my lease is up at the end of the month. I emailed them about renewing, but I really need to sort this out before I can go. I know that if it was for medical reasons I could probably make arrangements to sign the new lease later, but it is probably less complicated to just try to sort it out before I go. So I will see tomorrow if they respond or if I need to call. Then I will be back to deciding if I want help or to make my resolution to work on dying.

**edit** I went to work on my day off again. I did talk to my supervisor. I focused on the medical side of things and not the mental health stuff going on. I said that I might end up in the hospital. I said possibly next week because I need to sort out some unrelated life stuff. She was nice. I don't know if she told the manager yet. None of this was enough to stop them asking me to work tomorrow on my other day off. I probably should have worked more hours today, but after I agreed to go in tomorrow I just wanted to go home and go back to bed. I expressed my unhappiness about how we are being treated lately. Not by my supervisor but by the company in general. I wonder if the manager will talk to me tomorrow. I am sort of mentally preparing what to say. I don't know what she knows about the health stuff because I never mentioned being sick to her, but she may know some of it since I have gone home early a couple times. We will see

Surviving the holidays

I am home now and safe in my own bed meaning I survived the holiday. It was a bit challenging as expected.

Christmas day I went over around lunchtime. We didn't do a lot. We watched some TV and baked cookies. I was especially paranoid because I had brought   some alcohol and while I didn't think anyone would know, every time anyone left the room I was somehow sure they'd look in my bag. Anytime I couldn't hear conversations, I was sure it was about me. Christmas I was very nauseous at night but absolutely determined not to get sick because I was sure they would hear. I somehow managed not to. I just ate slowly and kept a bottle of water or a Sprite zero around.

Today was a little better in terms of my stomach. However, twice I stood up and honestly thought I was going to pass out. My vision went mostly white and I had to hold onto something to steady myself. I am thinking I am dehydrated. I drank water and avoided caffeine and definitely ate enough to not have my blood sugar low.. so I don't know. Tomorrow I plan to invest in some pedialyte or something because water doesn't seem to be enough.

We did presents in the morning. I got new flannel sheets (although weather decided to turn warm so won't be using them yet), 2 new sets of pajamas, a new cross pendant, a cute shirt, an alarm clock, and some other little things. My mom was very excited about the play tickets, so I am happy. My dad and brother I bought presents they had specifically asked for.. so wasn't too concerned with that. We went to see the new Star Wars movie and then to dinner. Now I am grateful to be home. I am exhausted both because I didn't sleep very well and because it was more time than I have been around people than I have had to manage in some time. It was a lot of trying to be happy and joke and talk. Now I really just want to drink and sleep because tomorrow I have work.

I am still debating being honest or getting help. No decisions yet. Hope you all had a lovely holiday.

Christmas Eve

So it's Christmas Eve. I got home from work about 1am and am still up. I am not sure what I am going to actually do today other than obviously go to sleep at some point. I really just want to spend the day in bed to make up for not having my usual Wednesday in bed this week. Somehow it seems a bit depressing to spend Christmas Eve in bed, but I don't really want to do anything else. I think I will need to leave the apartment at some point for food.. although because of coworkers I have a variety of candy, a couple cookies, and a cupcake. I am logically aware that I need to eat something besides that, hence the need to either search the freezer or go out.

I am going to my parent's house Christmas day and probably staying the night because my brother is coming on the 26th. I honestly have been depressed enough that I considered asking about going over Christmas Eve as well. I honestly am not going because my mom had surgery on the 23rd and I have a feeling should be resting. I am not sure if that sounds logical but I mean that if I am there, she might feel obligated to spend time with me rather than resting. I know I haven't really talked about this topic at all. My mom has a variety of health problems including a lot of chronic pain. She just got a sort of electronic implant for nerve pain. I am too tired to come up with the right words for that. She has neuropathy and nerve pain from a combination of diabetes and an after effect of the chemotherapy she had for lymphoma. She's thankfully been cancer free for almost ten years, but I guess it can be a side effect of the treatment. They did a trial run with the nerve thing and apparently it helped a lot with the pain. I am hoping it helps because currently she is on a lot of medication (Lyrica and tramadol and honestly not sure what else) that only kinda helped and very much made it hard for her to function. It actually didn't look like insurance was going to approve the surgery in time to have it when it was scheduled, so I was so happy to be woken up by a text from my dad saying it was happening. He also texted after they got home and it went well. So I am letting her rest and then tomorrow I will visit.

I have a bit of a problem with denial when it comes to my mom's health. When I first got treatment for my bulimia, my mom was going through chemo. I sort of didn't tell anyone in treatment about this. They found out when she showed up for family group with a scarf on her head because it was after she had lost her hair. What I don't think people understood was that I wasn't ignoring the cancer. At the time I was just so unwell that I could not even entertain the thought that she wouldn't be fine. I had to believe with every fiber of my being that all of the cancer had been removed by surgery (splenectomy) and the chemotherapy was a precaution and she was fine. I believed that no cancerous cells were left and it would never come back. If I had allowed myself to acknowledge anything other than that version of reality, I would not have made it. I would have given up on my own life and let the depression and bulimia kill me because that would have been better than life without her. I only acknowledged how delusional I was after she was years into remission and I was in a better place. I have a lot of guilt about it because I think to her it may have seemed like I didn't care because I didn't talk to anyone about it. I don't think I have ever really tried to explain to anyone the way my reality worked at the time. I mean in college I lost a lot of sleep over the fact that my parents smoked. My life depended on them being alive because I clearly was not able to care for myself. I barely survived high school. I expected to have killed myself before graduation. The years since then have been kinda screwed up by the fact that I never allowed myself to make long term goals because I expected to be dead. This is still true. So I am still occasionally delusional in terms of believing that my parents will never die. They are a constant that I need in my life in order to have a reason to live.

So this was a strange post. I don't know why I picked Christmas Eve to bring it up. I am exhausted and unwell and am still debating what to do about that. Today I think I will go to sleep and when I wake up decide how much reality I can handle. Maybe I will leave the apartment. Maybe I will drink more vodka and stay in bed. On Christmas I will attempt to be a functioning human being, but for now it doesn't matter.

Work stress

Wednesday is usually my day off. Of course I was an idiot and offered to go in for a couple hours. I also chose to check my email while eating lunch because I wanted to double check the time for a meeting. One email I had was the boss saying basically that even if we're behind, we shouldn't neglect this certain task. There were seriously only 3 analysts last night. We are very behind. There was no fucking way we could have done this in addition to what we were working on. I asked my supervisor about it last night and she said not to work on that task. So I was quite upset by this email. And by quite upset, I mean I basically sobbed in my car in the parking lot before going in to work.

I am exhausted. I am fairly certain I am sick because I have been coughing non stop for days. And I went to work for free on my day off. I only ended up staying for 3.5 hours because quite frankly I felt like crap and I am fed up with that place.

I heard my supervisor ask someone about Monday. I asked her if we are working Monday, and she said no. Then a couple hours later she gathered everyone in the conference room and says they are taking volunteers to work Monday. It was all I could do not to cry. Yes, she said volunteers, but given that we have suddenly gone from being closed on the 26th to asking for volunteers... I am not exactly trusting what anyone says anymore. I am supposed to be with my family, and I think if that changes I will probably lose it. I am home now and feeling terribly guilty for only working 3.5 hours on my day off. I am worried that even if they make Monday voluntary, I am going to look bad or made to feel guilty for not being willing to cancel my plans and work. I am worried that they will do mandatory overtime some other day and quite frankly I am running out of energy.

Yesterday I decided to carry an admittedly large stack of reports to the file room. I got there and realized I didn't even have the strength to lift them and set them on the filing cabinet. Rather than admit that, I had to juggle them and slide half the stack at a time. Today I bought cat litter and picked up the "lightweight" kind and was briefly convinced it was labeled wrong because I struggled to put it in the cart. And I feel guilty for not working tomorrow on my other day off. I really need a break.

Oh I do have one positive/interesting work story. Last week while at my parent's house, I talked my mom into making candy because I used to love baking and such but haven't done it much lately because my kitchen is a mess. We made peanut clusters (which are just peanuts and chocolate) and peppermint Oreo bark, which is peppermint bark with a layer of Oreo thins. It was something I saw on Pinterest. Anyway, she kept some, and I took some to work. I left it in the break room with post it notes on the containers saying what each thing was. I took it Saturday and got compliments on it over the weekend from people who knew I made it. Monday I went to work and a woman told me that someone had left a note on the peppermint bark about wanting to buy some. Sure enough, I went to get the empty container and someone had written "who made this? I would like to buy some" and a phone extension. I honestly couldn't read the extension, so I am not sure who it was.. and honestly I can't see myself selling candy, but it was still cool. I sent my mom a photo of the note since she helped make it. I am already planning to take cookies to work at some point because my parents always send some home with me after Christmas, and as a recovering bulimic I don't really need a bunch of cookies sitting around. Might as well feed them to someone. Not going to lie, I like feeding people because it makes them like me. It's like how I like to buy gifts for people. It's something I have done since I was a teenager, but it's only mildly unhealthy compared to all my other insanity. And I do enjoy baking (but not cooking oddly). I know we are making gingerbread cookies and sugar cookies this year, and I can't remember what else.

Regret

So I am starting to regret not really dealing with my health stuff sooner. I am pretty certain that I am not going to figure out going into the hospital this month. Mainly because I don't want to miss Christmas and because I feel like it will take at least a little planning. If I just went to the emergency room, I am not convinced that they would admit me rather than try to send me to a psych ward or send me home with meds for nausea. I could be wrong. I mean I got home tonight and pretty much projectile vomited either acid or bile because I had already thrown up dinner at work. I then gagged and coughed until I really just wanted to curl up on the bathroom floor and cry. So probably not in the best of health. But if I don't go until January I will have to worry about my deductible and I feel dumb for not planning to deal with this before. I also don't know if I will go at all or just keep hoping that I will die.

I am still very concerned about Christmas. Even if I smuggle alcohol with me, what if this happens? Can I hide being sick or come up with an excuse? Do I just act surprised like this doesn't happen every night and hope to pass it off as a stomach bug or something I ate?

I also might have made a bit of an ass of myself at work. It's just that my supervisor kept saying how we shouldn't stress and complaining about how the other supervisor is stressing everyone about us being behind. And I felt sick and had spent all day coughing and feeling guilty because I pretty much refuse to work a bunch of unpaid overtime when I have been dragging myself to work despite being physically ill and suicidal for weeks. And I am worried that they are going to ask me to come in extra, and I am just so tired. She said that they aren't going to make it mandatory but they have done that sort of thing before. And I mean we're talking about a company that refuses to heat the building. How can I be so convinced that they won't decide I have to work on my days off or on a day that we are supposed to be closed? I honestly am afraid I will lose it if they decide to make us work the 24th or 26th after saying we will be closed.

Anyway, I may have said something about how I just can't handle anymore and it's impossible not to stress and how I am certain that we will end up working one of those days.. and my brother works on Christmas, so we are supposed to celebrate on the 26th and with my luck they will make us work then and screw up my plans. Except I may have said that with a few more swear words. Oops

I don't know. It has been a bad day, and I really need a break. I am not feeling very hopeful

Cold

I started another post but deleted it because it was just rambling with no topic. Now I will try again.

Not that this is much of a topic but..

I feel like winter is definitely my worst season. There is something about cold that cuts through my brain and changes any positive thoughts to negative. I almost always go off my meds in winter. I struggle to go out. I isolate. I don't even make logical choices to keep warm. I can remember last year going to add a 4th blanket to my bed and finally remembering that I could actually set the thermostat to more than 60.

Currently in bed with icy cold feet debating the idea of putting on socks. It doesn't help that they refuse to turn the heat on at work. Like actively refuse. I wore a fleece jacket tonight. Coworkers are bringing blankets. It's absurd. I don't know if the logic has to do with the machines, which are admittedly very sensitive to temperature fluctuations. Maybe I can snuggle in a cat and claim it's a fur scarf? I am so much more depressed when it is cold.

Work is chaos. People are trying to use pto so they don't lose it. We are busier. Someone apparently quit yesterday, and I didn't find out until tonight. I am perpetually exhausted and still feeling sick, so I have pretty much decided not to work late. I feel like their options are let me work 40 hours as best as possible or me end up on medical leave or dead because I lose what little energy I have. Honestly, nobody has said anything about it. The guilt is all my own creation, but I am having to remind myself that I am not well.

I also feel bad because really if I want help I should go now. In January, I have to worry about my deductible again, which complicates everything. I just don't know if things are bad enough to get help now. I keep hoping someone will ask or express concern, so I don't have to start the conversation. I don't know if they just don't know what to say or if really I seem to be functioning. I am in my mind visibly getting worse. I am exhausted and struggling to focus.

I don't know. I am still trying. I saw my parents and made candy with my mom. I finally did the application to consolidate my student loans. I am trying to function. I dyed my hair because that sometimes helps. All I really want is sleep.

I am anxious about Christmas. I think we are celebrating on the 26th because of my brother's work schedule. I don't know if I can get away with going to my parent's house on the 25th and baking and helping and then going home to sleep and going back on the 26th. Or will they be suspicious and expect me to sleep there. In that case, I either have to smuggle in alcohol or risk withdrawal and insomnia, which will make it very unpleasant. Honestly, I am hoping to use the cats as my excuse to sleep at home. I used to take them with me for the night. However, Nermal is scared of their dog (who doesn't seem to understand why Nermal doesn't want to love her.. I feel bad for the poor, confused dog) and it feels mean to take her there. I don't know what to do. I guess I have time to decide. I really would rather sleep in my own bed. I am so tired.

I will update again soon. I think I finally warmed up enough to sleep. I hate winter.

Just failing

I really am just failing at life. The past few days I have been physically and mentally feeling terrible. I am back to vomiting daily. Sunday it happened twice at work and again twice after getting home. Yesterday two or three times after work. I started getting light headed every time I stood up yesterday. I drank water but this continued today. I tried to stop at McDonald's before work but only ate a few bites because I could tell that I would get sick if I ate.

I got to work and lasted an hour before asking to go home. I was nauseous and dizzy and knew I would start crying if I stayed, so I gave up and asked to leave. My supervisor let me.. she knows that I have been unwell and wouldn't ask if I wasn't really sick. Still I am worried about getting in trouble. Mainly because she mentioned texting the manager.. not because I was in trouble but because it would affect what they can get done and because she was considering getting someone else to come in and help.

My concern now is the manager saying something. In my defense, I have told my supervisor that I am barely functioning. I have told both her and my former supervisor that I have been physically unwell for a month. I have told her on several occasions when I had bad nights. So I haven't talked to the manager, but I have not hidden being sick. I still haven't heard from my doctor about lab results.

I am home now and feeling incredibly guilty and anxious. I plan to spend the evening in bed. I may offer to work tomorrow if I am feeling better, but I don't want to offer and not be able to. I am considering what to say to the manager if she says something about this. I am debating mentioning being suicidal or just mention the physical issues. For now I am going to try not to think about work. I know logically that I shouldn't feel terribly guilty. I have worked plenty of days when I felt sick. Tonight I just knew I would cry and feared making mistakes. Hopefully rest will help.

January

I have this idea that is a bit random. I happen to be much better off financially this. Christmas because I really don't spend much money anymore. Mostly it only goes to rent, bills, and food.

I have been trying to decide what to get my mom for Christmas. I really want to buy tickets for a play. She likes musicals.. not maybe as obsessively as I do, but I saw Rent with my parents and Book of Mormon. This year there is a series of Broadway musicals being done near me.. that's how we saw Rent. I am considering buying tickets for her and I to see something.. possibly the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night. I know nothing about the musical, but I know she liked the book a lot.

The other benefit of this (besides just being something different) is that it would require me to be alive in January to go since that's when it is. I don't know for sure. I texted my dad to make sure they don't have plans. They have some trips planned, and I can never remember when they are.. several times I swear they didn't actually tell me what they were planning until right before. I don't want to spend nearly $200 on tickets and parking and all and find out they won't be in town. I should hopefully know later today. I want it to be a surprise, but I can at least ask him. I probably will only buy tickets for my mom and I because plays are not his thing, but I will try to get him something nice. Will update later.

So I ended up with tickets for the 3rd row of the mezzanine for an afternoon show. With valet parking it was about $160. I could have done first row for the same price, but honestly I am scared of heights and cannot sit in a row where I can see down over the edge without being convinced that I will fall. I know from experience and it is a bit distracting. And the valet parking is because I really hate parking garages and get super anxious in them. So in case I end up driving.. it's worth it. My plan is to wrap the tickets probably with a sticker over the price because this is admittedly more than I probably have ever spent on a present for her.

Work was actually pretty ok today. The only drama was that someone in another department contacted their boss I guess claiming our people were not dressed in scrubs. The only one who wasn't was the supervisor because it is technically her day off. I had a sweatshirt over mine but was clearly wearing scrub pants. Anyway our manager texted the supervisor about it, but seriously how childish is it to say that? Plus nobody was breaking dress code and I am sure we could find violations of plenty of policies if we tried. There are a lot of stupid policies since we moved to this building and we generally ignore the little violations if they don't harm anyone.

I managed to get up in time to buy cat food and I stopped and bought a salad for dinner and a latte.. oddly even that caffeine didn't stop me from being exhausted. I had a large caramel latte (which was delicious) and 2 diet cokes before work and still couldn't stop yawning. I am really trying not to resort to diet pills.. I admittedly have taken them occasionally on days where I was both tired and nauseous because it is easier to stomach a pill than to drink coffee. I managed to spend over an hour in the lab getting reconfirmation data. Yesterday I was a bit chicken and asked someone else to do it.. I don't know why but I am afraid if I go into the lab when I feel sick that I will end up vomiting on a computer or something.. no idea why. I did speak to the lab supervisor, which is challenging a fear. Today I thankfully didn't have to speak to anyone. I get very weird about the lab because they hire people so frequently and I don't know half of their names, and I feel like I should know more even though it isn't like I have been introduced to everyone. I am generally comfortable with anyone in my own department, but I get anxious about interacting with people outside of that. There are people who know my name but I can't remember theirs. This company is just a bit much for someone with social anxiety. But it was generally an OK day. Now I just need to go to sleep at a reasonable hour so I can manage tomorrow.

Struggling

The weather has gotten much colder this week, and it isn't helping my mood. I am still quite suicidal some days.

I did force myself to be social. Wednesday I went to see the new Disney movie with my mom and brother. I was so exhausted getting up in time to meet for lunch before. We then went shopping for a charity toy drive organized by the local police department. We do this every year. It's fun buying toys and we don't really have any actual kids to buy for (my cousins are all grown), so we do this every year. Then Thursday I went shopping with my mom. I picked out a few things for her stocking and my dad. She buys all the stocking stuff including most of her own, so since I have been semi independent I buy surprises for hers. This year a chocolate Santa and this adorable tiny grater thing.. because I have a weakness for useless kitchen gadgets. I also bought my cats a new bed to fight over. I still have most of my shopping to do, but it was fun.

We had dinner after and I could tell my stomach was in bad shape. I managed 2 days without vomiting and then last night was awful. I was sick half a dozen times. I woke up a few times with excruciating cramps in my legs which I took to mean my electrolytes were screwed up.. so I made myself drink some milk in the morning because that had the most potassium of anything in the apartment. I needed to go to the pet store but ended up staying in bed until time for work because I just couldn't face shopping. The cats kept me company.

It was funny because once last night I had to rescue Nermal from a cookie bag she stuck her head in and got stuck. Once I woke up and thought it was weird that only odd was on the bed. I sat up and realized that the blanket was purring and Nermal was asleep underneath. Currently, I have sheets, a quilt, and a cotton blanket on the bed.. plus 2 cats to keep me warm. When it's cold, she always sleeps where Odd is whether he seems happy about it or not. He eventually decided to sleep on top of me with his butt in my face.. not the best arrangement, but they do keep me warm.

Work was rough. I was nauseous and tired. I told my supervisor that I had been sick and not slept much. This is my compromise as far as honesty. I haven't said that I want to die, but I am trying to make sure she knows I am struggling. Plus, I know I yawn a lot and have trouble with my temper at times. It also means that it probably won't be a total surprise if I do tell her more in the future. I managed to leave at midnight. I could have stayed longer, but I had so little energy. I also had to go to the grocery store after work because I was out of cat food. The compromise since I didn't go to the pet store was to buy a few cans of food after work to feed them tonight and in the morning. That means tomorrow I have to go buy their usual food. For someone who eats mostly junk (actually now about half junk and half fruit and yogurt), I am oddly particular about what I feed my cats. Mainly I prefer not anything with meat byproducts or lots of corn/grains. For a while they ate basically a pescatarian dry food by Canidae but I switched to a slightly lower calorie brand that's fish and rice based now that Nermal is not a kitten.  

Now I am eating cereal and applesauce for dinner and hopefully going to sleep soon. I picked up the applesauce, some granola bars, and candy (it honestly helps with nausea) for myself. I obviously don't care much about my own diet as long as the food mostly stays down. It is fucking cold outside, so I am grateful to be in my pajamas because scrubs are not warm. I may need to invest in leggings or warmer socks.. or honestly taking my thyroid medication would also help. Cold just makes the depression worse. Thank god for blankets and cats.

Update

I will probably add more later. I am currently at my doctor's office. Both the nurse and doctor agree that what they did at urgent care was not too helpful. Doctor said it is likely alcohol related.. but they're doing a test for helicobacter pylori infection and then will send me to get blood drawn to check my pancreas and such. Getting labs was my main concern to rule out any major problems. She increased the omeprazole. So we will see. I am exhausted because I didn't get to sleep until after 2 and had to be up at 8. I am probably going to try to nap before work. I wish I could call out sick, but we are so short handed. So I will just try to survive with a nap and caffeine and the reassurance that tomorrow I am off.

Yeah so I got to work and almost lost it. Like had to go sit by myself to stop from crying. I think I freaked my supervisor out because she kept telling me not to worry about what we could get done. I just kept saying I was tired and barely able to keep it together. I wanted to say that I just wanted to die, but I didn't. I wanted to ask to go home but knew I was safer there. I wanted to say so much, but I see no point in telling them I am so suicidal when they can't help and would probably pressure me to go to the hospital or something. So I just worked. I was really upset that she left before me. Yes she has a husband and son, but I can hardly keep myself alive and ended up working late again. I am so glad to be off until Friday. I can't keep this up.

Also think I need to set boundaries with this supervisor. The problem is that we have known each other for a few years from school. We weren't friends so much as acquaintances because I really didn't make friends... but she was a grad student who I spoke to and didn't hate. Now we are more of friends because of work. However because she has known me and trusts me, she tells me things. She talks to me about people they might hire and opinions of them... including several people from school who I do NOT like. She tells me things about decisions to transfer people and basically things that I am probably not meant to hear. I understand that it is because she knows I am trustworthy and values my opinion, but it is stressful. I don't like gossip. I would generally prefer not to discuss other people. There is an amount that is ok to me. Like with my old supervisor, he did not deal with it enough. I would express legitimate concerns about other people and he would make excuses for them or not deal with it. With the manager or previous day supervisor, I would basically plan conversations and gather evidence to express my concern about someone, and generally it would be dealt with. I kind of planned what to tell them and then considered it their responsibility. With her... she likes to discuss things. She talks about who is doing what in terms of speed and mistakes and tell me what is being discussed about how to handle it and just endless discussion. I know that she values me and my opinion, but I keep wanting to remind her that the reason I am not lead is to minimize stress. I want to remind her that they have spoken to people about gossip and complaining because I have said it affects the atmosphere at work. I want to remind her that I just told her that I can barely function. I don't want to be involved in this.

That being said.. she does listen. I told her someone on day shift needs to be designated to do reconfirmations. Today she said someone has been. She asked if I would do it for evenings, and I of course agreed. I have no idea how much of any of the job stuff makes sense when I write about it, and I think even at work my view of reconfirmations confuses people. It's a love/hate thing. They are stressful and confusing and exhausting, but they are like my baby. I have seen policies be created and changed and developed and eliminated. I have seen the numbers grow to absurd amounts that had me working 11 hour shifts and shrink to almost non existent. I have dreamt about them. I have had to challenge all my social anxiety to express my opinions. I have been considered valuable and the "expert" on them. I hate them and the dreams and having to talk to people about them and have an opinion about them. I seriously would be crushed if they were taken from me. I hate for certain people to do them for fear that they won't catch certain things or understand certain things. It would be harder to train someone else and trust them. I am also a little afraid that I am not as good at anything else. So yes... I said designate me. My issue is more that for a while I was not assigned to reconfirmations. My old supervisor would have me working on something else, and I was always aware that they weren't being done. It all sounds a bit crazy... but everything at this job is. We are starting to test blood samples now, and that can mean all kinds of new problems. Now is not a time to take this away from me.

Sorry for the tangent. It was a weird day. Work is very weird now. I want to find some balance of being able to do my job and not think so much about everyone else's, but also not have their work affect mine. I want my supervisor to understand that I can handle my job, but I have been trying to tell her I am struggling because I really don't need more responsibility. I am fine being responsible for myself, but I can't be responsible for everyone else. I will eventually break. I am exhausted.

Long night, short post

I will update properly tomorrow (well later today). This will be brief.

Sunday at work was miserable. Definitely threw up and kept working. Had to put my hoodie on to hide the vomit that splashed on my scrubs. I went home and threw up several more times. I spent most of the night awake and feeling incredibly suicidal. Thankfully Odd decided to be cuddly and lay on me all night. I fell asleep around 8am after receiving a text from the bank that my account was empty. Except after panicking, I discovered that I am just an idiot with all my money somehow in savings. I don't even know. I slept off and on until 2pm. Showered and went to work.

I admitted feeling sick to both my old and new supervisor and that it's been going on for a month. I see my doctor in like 7 hours, so I won't be sleeping much. The manager kinda gave me a weird look when I asked her something. I don't think I imagined it.. but I have a giant scab on my super puffy face, so I assume it's related. I managed to hold it together. I didn't leave until 1am because I couldn't leave until everyone finished because the supervisor left early.

I was mainly just trying not to get sick. Now I'm hoping to drink one more shot and try to get a little sleep before my appointment. I am not looking forward to seeing my doctor, but there's not much she can make me do. I just hate admitting how bad things are and how poorly I am functioning. But I hate vomiting more.. so I will go.

Fun times

So I went to urgent care. It was simultaneously a success and failure. After waiting a while the doctor kinda just looked at me and listened to my heart and such. She says it looks like the beginning of a stomach virus. Which is pretty interesting since I clearly said it had been going on for weeks, so it definitely isn't the start of something. But I got prescriptions for zofran, omeprazole, and one I can't remember. So at least that should help until I see a better doctor. I took a zofran before work and will start the omeprazole tomorrow. I am hoping it helps. Monday I will try calling my GP. There's no way I have had a stomach virus for 3 weeks. But I have a feeling the heartburn is from vomiting and so I am happy to maybe relieve some of the symptoms until I can find out what's going on.

So I did the lazy, antisocial thing and made an appointment with my doctor online.. which probably means they will call me Monday but hopefully it means I can go Tuesday and not have to be the one to call the office. No idea how this will go. The zofran is definitely helping. I am so freaking tired today though. After urgent care, I even came home and lay in bed for an hour rather than just killing time before work. I just knew I didn't have energy to go shopping for even an hour. I wimped out about talking to the manager. It was really weird because she was hovering and kept disappearing to talk to the supervisors, and I was too paranoid about it to try to tell her. Maybe Monday. It's going to be weird basically saying that I tried to tell my supervisor that I am unable to function and apparently she interpreted the conversation to mean I am doing better and should take on more stress and responsibility... but that pretty much sums it up. Maybe I should include "but hey I didn't bother to tell any of you that for weeks I have been throwing up daily and can barely walk up stairs or get out of bed.. but maybe you should know because my therapist kept looking at me like I am dying"... or something. Probably shouldn't add that the dying doesn't bother me. I just hate throwing up and having excruciating heartburn. I might summarize the problems and say that I am finally seeing a doctor. I can also be a chicken and email her or Skype her some of it because I don't know where to start. I don't want her to think I lied to my new supervisor. I also don't want to say that I really have no idea how my new supervisor missed the entire point of what I told her because I think she got caught up in the work part of it while I was trying to say that work is the only time I can function. It takes pretty much all of my energy to handle it, which means that the rest of my life is hopeless and pathetic.

I am rambling, but I am trying to stick to my promise about seeing a doctor to make sure I am not dying or whatever. I was torn between my old GP who I had seen for a couple years but never liked or the new one I have only seen once. I went with new one because 1 I could request an appointment online and 2 she is part of a physician's group and can probably refer me to a hospital if I need to go. Basically she is connected to physicians at various hospitals, so hopefully it I need that or testing or whatever, she's probably a better choice. Plus, she didn't try go guilt trip me about the drinking as much as the other one has. She's older and mainly sees adults, so I think she understands that I know that I am an alcoholic and guilt isn't what I need. Will update Monday probably. Hoping work is drama free this weekend but things are weird right now. I don't have energy to explain.

Therapy

I managed to make it to therapy today. 2 weeks ago I had to cancel because I kept getting dizzy when I got out of bed. Last week was a holiday.

She was very concerned and apparently could tell I wasn't feeling well. I told her about the problems I am having. I mentioned the nausea and vomiting. I mentioned having no energy. I talked about initially convincing myself it was nothing but now legitimately being concerned about it. I know it is somehow related to the drinking but don't really have any idea. I mentioned the idea of going into a medical rather than psych hospital. She seemed OK with that idea. I think probably she would support any step to stop drinking. Plus she knows the last inpatient stay was awful.

I ended up agreeing to see a doctor. I am leaning towards going to urgent care tomorrow. I am hoping to at least get medicine for the nausea and they can probably do some tests. I don't know if they will be able to tell me exactly what's wrong or if I will end up being told to go to another doctor. I figure it's worth a shot. I am probably going to have to tell work something. I mean it might be nice to warn them that if this is serious, I may need a few days off. They really can't argue with that.

Today I got dizzy several times when I stood up. I have terrible heartburn, and I only barely made it home before throwing up. I was concerned that I would get sick driving, and it probably was not the best idea to go to dinner with my parents because it is a long drive.. oh well. I am home safe now. I will update tomorrow if I end up going to the doctor.

Denial

I would love to say that things are getting better but not exactly.

I did try to tell my new supervisor what is going on. I mainly brought it up because I am struggling to keep it together at work and she has been talking about me being lead on certain days and giving me more responsibility. It's nice being trusted, but I wanted her to realize that I am struggling. So I told her I was more depressed but couldn't bring myself to say suicidal. I expressed concern that I am less patient with certain coworkers. Other than saying I should talk to my doctor, she didn't seem too concerned. Today she mentioned talking to the manager about the lead thing and mentioning that things seem to be going better for me. Somehow that's what she took away from our conversation? I guess because when she asked if it was about work and things there I said that work was better since the other supervisor changed to day shift. Still that wasn't the point of what I told her.

So now I am not sure how to handle things. Do I go to the manager and clarify or just drop it?

I threw up at work and again as soon as I got home and as I was standing there I had this thought that I wonder if what's causing the vomiting has to do with my liver. I was struck by the fact that I have made no effort to research the cause of this. I vaguely assumed that alcohol was the cause but not actually allowed myself to think about what was happening. I think I just accepted that the solution is to not drink and since that seems impossible, why bother finding out what is happening. I just keep trying every possible solution besides that. I have tried nausea medicine, all sorts of foods and eating schedules, antacids (because I am also now having excruciating heartburn), pepcid AC, pepto bismol, ginger, allergy medicine, mucinex.. anything I can get without seeing a doctor. I have begun considering asking a doctor for prescription nausea medicine, but I hesitate because they will probably want to figure out the cause and may very well just tell me not to drink rather than helping manage the symptoms. I know that the heartburn is probably due to the vomiting because in the past purging has also caused reflux and slow digestion. I started becoming mildly concerned yesterday because I threw up after midnight and definitely tasted the chicken I had for lunch before work, and that isn't normal.

This all got me thinking about work again and that perhaps I should talk to the manager. Perhaps I should tell her that I am not better. I should tell her that I am physically ill and mentally ill. I should mention that there may be something very wrong with me and that I may eventually need time off or be too sick to work because my health only seems to be getting worse and I am struggling to stay in denial about it. I am not scared of dying. I am however unsure how long I can keep this up. I mean eventually someone will notice if I keep throwing up at work. I almost want to tell her before that happens because I would rather acknowledge the possibility that I have seriously fucked up my body than have them draw the conclusion I am drunk or hungover at work. However, I know that another person's reaction to this would be different from mine. I shrug it off because I don't really care about dying. A normal person would probably freak out or worry because alcohol can cause pretty serious problems and the fact that I can't go a single day without vomiting multiple times is probably not just allergies or blood sugar. And if nothing else the vomiting itself can cause problems with my throat and my heart.

Thankfully I don't work again until Friday. I do see my therapist Thursday and will probably be honest about my health. I have a feeling she will want me to see a doctor. I have considered going to urgent care on my day off to see if I can at least get medicine for the nausea and prevent more damage. I am tempted to try to find somewhere other than the one urgent care place since the doctor might remember me from the times I went to get stitches and that could be awkward. I will see how I feel in the morning. Maybe by then I will be back to denial and not caring. It all comes and goes.

Sorry for being a downer again, but I felt like I should write while I am thinking somewhat realistically about the situation. I doubt I will keep thinking about it so clearly for very long.

Probably impossible wish

So I seriously can't remember the last time I made it 24 hours without vomiting. I really don't think my body is digesting food properly anymore because I feel so full after meals. I managed most of thanksgiving. I didn't eat a whole lot..  but that's also because my parents still think I'm vegetarian. We went out to brunch and I am limited to vegetarian stuff, which is fine because I don't like turkey or seafood and am disgusted by the prime rib the buffet had. I had mashed potatoes (so good), a bit of waffle, salad, and fruit.. plus some pie. I ate awkwardly slowly because I didn't want to be sick. I also had dinner which was pasta.. that only stayed down until I got home and drank. Today I was sick this morning but have managed ok since.

Last night I forgot to bring my laundry inside when I got home. I went downstairs and got it, and I was exhausted and sore from bringing the one basket upstairs. I am seriously wondering if something is wrong with me.

I have been thinking about all this. What I really wish at this point is to go to the hospital for 2-3 days.. to be admitted to a medical ward rather than a psych ward and detox. I just want them to watch my blood pressure and all that. They can give me something for detox and maybe nausea. I can lay in bed, preferably on benzos until the most serious risk passes. I do not want to go to a psych ward because the past few stays I have found groups to make things worse. The short time I am there isn't enough to fix my meds. I want to just sit in a room and not pretend that they can fix all my issues. I just want to detox without worrying I might die. I want something to help me sleep. I can then continue with my therapist and doctor to work on everything else. It would mean less wasted time. It would also mean making sure I haven't fucked up my heart or stomach with the alcohol and not eating properly.

Problem is that I don't know if this is possible. I think any hospital would try to transfer me to a psych ward or send me home thinking I am just seeking drugs.. which I guess I am but only for the time I am there. I don't expect any sane doctor to send me home with a prescription for Ativan or Librium (not that I would say no) because that's dangerous. I just know that the first 2 nights are scary, so I would like something to make it through those and then I can go back to just my usual meds.

I don't even know why I am mentioning this. I may bring it up with my therapist next week. I guess I am frustrated knowing that going inpatient at any of the hospitals I have been to is probably going to take longer than I want and possibly do more harm than good.

I managed at least to act normal for a couple days. I saw a movie with my mom yesterday. Today we went shopping. Admittedly, we got home around 7pm, and I couldn't stop yawning. I am not normally awake before noon and haven't slept well. We went to 4 stores total. They wanted a new Christmas tree. I got 2 sweatshirts, new towels, and a new bra on good sales. But I was just exhausted by the end. I hope I can sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have work, and I am still expecting to break down there in the near future because I am just exhausted and overwhelmed by life. Taking it one day at a time..

Another Wednesday

I think I have something of a Wednesday routine. I sleep as late as possible. I get up at least once to drink and go back to bed. When I get hungry, I finally get up. I was brave today and ate lunch at Jason's Deli which was crowded. I just had my heart set on a baked potato. I looked at menus online last night (after having vomited dinner and laying in bed eating apple sauce to settle my stomach) and had decided what I wanted. I considered chickening out and going for fast food or just to the grocery store, but I went. The past couple nights have been hell. Monday I knew my stomach was upset at work. I tried to convince myself that I could make it home without getting sick. I made it as far as my car and then promptly threw up in a plastic bag in my car in the parking lot. I am seriously considering going to the doctor next week and begging for nausea medicine because this isn't healthy and while not drinking is probably the ideal solution, I need to be able to keep food down. I mean walking up stairs is challenging lately. I am only 30 and get tired walking up a few stairs, so I am not well. I also really need to see my dentist because my teeth and gums are terrible. It is so hard to go though. I feel like doctors and nurses generally try to be understanding, but dental hygienists are trained to tell you repeatedly how bad you should feel about how you take care of your teeth. Like hey while my hands are in your mouth and you can't speak, let me just make you feel horrible for not flossing and making your gums your highest priority in life.. or is it just at my dentist? I honestly might end up going and saying first thing that I have had many other life threatening health and personal problems this year so can they just tell me what needs to be done now and not comment on what I am doing wrong.. but we will see.

After lunch, I went to Target for groceries and a shirt to wear for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I didn't really try to buy much food. I bought yogurt, cereal, and applesauce.. basically all I eat these days. I did find a cute top on clearance. We are going out for Thanksgiving this year. I also suggested seeing a movie to my mom and shopping on Friday. I am quite impressed that I am spending more time with them than expected but I know I need it. I need to not spend 90% of my time in bed. So we are probably seeing a movie and then going shopping Friday. I want new towels and maybe clothes if there are good sales.

I am home now and of course in bed. I have a new Netflix obsession which is a cartoon called Sarah & Duck.. which is meant for kids but is seriously weird. Like she's making a cake and the batter starts talking and telling her how to bake it. Very weird. Highly recommend it. The cats are keeping me company. They don't seem to mind spending time in bed. I am so very grateful for them when things are rough.

I think next week I will make some effort to tell someone at work what is going on. My temper is much shorter and I think I should probably explain that I am doing poorly. I will think about what to say. I have the next couple days off to hopefully rest.

Hanging on

Things are not going particularly well. I still am not taking my meds. I am so exhausted. Thursday I ended up cancelling my therapy appointment because I just couldn't get out of bed in time to go. I was honest about why when she replied to my text and asked if everything was OK. I could have made up an excuse, but I felt guilty already for cancelling at the last minute. I ended up staying in bed until 2 and then going to see my parents. I haven't been taking my thyroid medication, which probably explains the exhaustion.

I've had a couple more nights spent throwing up. I am living off fast food, yogurt, and applesauce mostly. I have managed not to miss any work and managed not to cry at work so far. My supervisor not being there has helped. I have seriously thought about telling someone what's going on because I don't know how long I can keep this up. I am probably just as suicidal as I was before I went inpatient last time. Now it's not so much thoughts or plans. It's the desperate feeling. The feeling that things are hopeless and will never change. The feeling that I need to do something to make it go away. I spend the majority of the time in bed these days because I can distract myself enough not to actually do anything. Plus, it takes a major effort to get up, so I am more likely to just stay in bed. Wednesday, I think I was out of bed for 3 hours. I ate lunch and went to the liquor store and then got back in bed and took a nap. It's pretty pathetic. I mostly only got up to drink because I still keep the vodka in another room.

I haven't told anyone because I don't know what to say. I just keep thinking it will be a miracle if I survive the holidays. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I have actually considered asking my parents to stay with them for a few days until I feel safer, but I don't know if it's worth it. If I tell them what's going on, I can't expect them to then go back to believing I'm fine when I decide I want to go back home again.

I have thought about asking for a few days off work to rest, but I really don't need to spend more time at home. I am kinda just waiting until someone says something or when I inevitably start crying in front of someone. I think I am still hiding it somewhat successfully while I am there. I don't want to worry anyone when they can't really help me.

It's a mess. I'm a mess. I don't really care anymore.

F***ed up

So lately I have let anxiety get the best of me. I have put off making decisions and doing things that I knew I should. Several of these started with losing my debit card.. well they sent me a new one for some reason, and I lost it before even activating it.

So I sorted out my toll tag and some bills, and I had this nagging fear about my insurance that I avoided. I assumed that I would have an email if I had missed payments. I also knew my student loans were am issue but expected only a certain amount to be due.

Well, I finally looked into this. My auto insurance had lapsed because of payment. So had my renters insurance. My student loans.. I guess more had become due since I last checked? I was expecting a couple hundred at most, and it's close to 2,000.

So I frantically tried to fix things, which I suppose is more responsible than putting it off. I applied again for auto insurance and paid for the new policy. I tried to do renters insurance through the same company and got a message saying it didn't work.. rather than waiting and calling about it, I just went through another company. I honestly don't care about my renters insurance except that my complex requires it. I probably won't ever use it. So I got my car insurance. I got new renters through another company. Now I just need to deal with student loans. Of course, there's some sort of outage tonight, so I can't. I can afford to pay what is due, but I definitely need to deal with it. I guess more, older loans are due... and I need to see about consolidating what I can. I guess this can't be done until Monday. I will deal then. The insurance is more risky not to deal with because I could get a ticket or lease violation.

I feel so stupid for not dealing with this. I had emails mentioning the loans being past due, but I didn't deal with it. I didn't have anything about insurance, so I had assumed that those were linked to my account and not debit card. That's my fault. Thankfully, my car loan was through my checking account and not debit card.

So yeah... I am failing at life.
I guess it's good I dealt with it now before getting a ticket or getting evicted. The whole thing only reinforced how suicidal I was already feeling. This way I am living really isn't sustainable, but I don't know what to do about it

Change

So things are changing at work, and I am not sure how I feel about it. Basically, the day shift supervisor is leaving the company. My supervisor is now taking her place, and someone is being promoted to replace him.

The good is that I won't have him snapping at me or me having to take charge because he's distracted. The woman replacing him is someone I know from school and is thankfully the only other person on night shift who knows my problems. I have trusted her enough to tell her about the depression. She is the only one besides my supervisor who I discussed the accusation about me smelling like alcohol with. She was supportive through all of that and me getting help. Mostly I talked to her because it took so long for my supervisor to handle the situation and let me go get help. She is aware of problems I had with him. So of all the people who could take over, this is probably best.

It is a little concerning that we have clashed at times. A while back an employee (who later quit) told my supervisor that this person had challenged my authority. Really it's just a personality thing. We both try to fix things as soon as possible and feel strongly about things being done correctly, so it seems like we argue. I have learned to pick my battles. If I go to her and clearly explain what should be done, she will listen and respect my opinion. Occasionally, she will ask me to do something and I will politely ask for it to be handled differently. Like she had asked me to talk to someone about an issue with the money they give us for meals. I suggested she send an email. I basically just stared her down until she acknowledged I wasn't going to do it. I mean..  I didn't care about the issue and saw no reason I should have to handle it. I do worry that if she is officially my supervisor, these disagreements may be more complicated. I think I really just need to explain that this is because I have severe social anxiety and not that I am antisocial. I think if I actually explain that, she will respect my boundaries. She is one of the only people who know that I am not shift lead because they don't want me to be more stressed.

I don't like change, so I am worried. I have been lying to my supervisor about how I am doing because he asks and then immediately says that I seem to be doing well. That makes it hard to argue. I am worried about having to go to someone different and explain if I do need help, but I also don't think that she is so influenced by her own anxiety. I hope that what she knows is enough to keep her from trying to add to my responsibility. She also is much more direct in handling problems, so maybe I will finally be able to trust my supervisor to handle the problems I find rather than me having to go to the person directly or rely on the manager to handle it.

I just don't like change. This could be so positive, but I worry. I worry no matter what. I am just generally a mess. I hope that this will be a positive change. I am really barely coping. I really need to take my meds. I am honestly drinking less but mostly because I am tired of throwing up. I just want to sleep and work and nothing else. I know I need help, but I don't believe I can get better. I don't know what to tell anyone about it. I just want to work, sleep, and drink. That's basically my life now.

Just venting because I can't

I don't really discuss politics. I don't pretend to be fully informed on a lot of issues or have strong opinions. But I can't sleep and I have even cried tonight because I need to believe this election is a sick joke. I never believed that I lived in a country that would choose a man so obviously filled with hate to be president. I never liked Hilary, but I thought surely people could see that Trump is terrifying and hateful and should not be our leader. All night at work people were watching the coverage and everyone seemed so anxious and scared. I live in a red state. My state was never going to go another way and everyone knows that, but you could tell we were all counting on the rest of the country to be sane. I left work before the election was decided, and I only checked periodically because I didn't want to believe this would happen. I saw the results and truly tried to believe it was not happening. I finally emailed my mom at 4am because I had to say this to someone. She cried when Bush was elected, so I think she will understand me crying over Trump. I didn't even watch most of the debates because the man is horrible. I don't even mean just politics. As a person and a woman, he offends me. I hoped people would wake up and admit to nominating him as a joke and not a legitimate candidate. Tonight I fear for my country.

So I may delete this later. I have no desire to engage in political debates so don't bother trying to start one. I am now going to watch Netflix until I can sleep. I am so thankful not to work tonight because I don't want to hear this discussed. I need time to process what I truly believed could never happen.

AA meeting

Today didn't go exactly as planned. The plan was to sleep as late as possible, go to the grocery store, and go to work. Instead, I was woken by a text from my ex sponsor saying that today was my friend B's birthday and she hoped to see me at the women's meeting. I considered ignoring the text and going back to sleep. I considered replying and saying that I am a terrible person and just couldn't handle being around people. I decided that while I am currently avoiding everyone, I may someday want to do more than hide in my apartment.. so it's probably best not to burn too many bridges. These 2 people have reached out to me despite my avoiding everyone. So I reset my alarm to earlier to make the meeting.

I got there about 10 minutes early. I wished B happy birthday. She definitely seemed surprised to see me. I chatted briefly with her about what she's doing. My ex sponsor arrived and hugged me. It was obvious from how long they both hugged me that they have been worried. I didn't talk about how I am doing. My disappearance is pretty self explanatory. I didn't talk in the meeting. I was just trying not to cry. I don't even know why I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't keep it together and talk. After the meeting, I said goodbye to B. She asked if she would see me again soon. I didn't really know what to say.. I said yes but didn't know when I would see her. I settled on saying I would text her because I really did need to leave and get to work. I think I will see if she wants to do lunch or something soon. I didn't want to commit to being at more meetings if I didn't know that I would actually be able to.

So I was a bit off when I got to work. I was depressed and anxious. I didn't want to be there. I was tired. I managed to make it through.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. We have repeatedly planned and postponed lunch. Once she hurt her knee. Once I cancelled after spending the night before throwing up. I really don't want to go. I don't want to drive. I don't want to talk, but again I can only avoid her so long before she stops asking. So I will go. I will try to seem ok. I have no interest in talking about what's going on. I am just trying not to burn bridges. I am trying to act as if someday I may want to have friends. I am trying to act as if there is a future when more than once recently I have woken up and lay in bed wanting desperately to die. Eventually, the feeling passes, so I should probably try to maintain friendships as if I plan to live. I just wish it wasn't acting. I wish I wanted to see people and do things and have a future. I guess acting is the best I can manage right now.

Laugh or cry

The last couple days at work have not been the greatest. I have been a bit crazy. Monday there was not enough work and that always makes me anxious. I always hate delegating. I don't like telling people what to do. I do it because my supervisor doesn't do it, and so people come to me. But with almost nothing to do, there was a lot of down time and I was super anxious. My supervisor snapped at me, and I may have nearly snapped at another analyst. Add to that the fact that my supervisor has decided we should take breaks together. The company got a basketball hoop, so he wants everyone to go out and play. I have never liked basketball. Monday even watching them play made me so tired that I thought I might cry. I tried one pathetic shot, but I am also embarrassingly weak these days. Some combination of exhaustion, being out of shape, and probably malnutrition since half my calories come from alcohol.

Monday night I had a dream about work. I had a dream that someone had mistyped sample numbers for an entire plate on a machine. Nobody noticed until the data was imported into the computer and had overwritten 96 closed reports. I woke up panicking. I had to convince myself that it was only a nightmare. It was not a premonition. It was not my subconscious trying to tell me that I had seen something Monday on one of the machines but not acknowledged it. That I had seen a mistake and forgotten. It was not a warning about what was going to happen when I got to work. I wasn't even out of bed and I was having to convince myself that I wasn't going to spend my day fixing problems my brain was trying to prepare me for. Tell myself I didn't need to go around and look at every machine to see if I could find something.

So I was not in a good mood when I got to work. I wanted to cry. I still went to work. I still distributed work and planned what we would do. I admittedly hoarded work. I took a short lunch because I knew that either me or another analyst would get to work on a plate, and I wanted it. Admittedly, my coworker doesn't seem to mind having nothing to do as much as I do. I did tell a coworker about the dream, which she thought was hilarious. I didn't explain the panic that followed. The dream is funny if you don't pay attention to the crazy amount of anxiety causing these dreams.

Last night was miserable. I threw up multiple times. I stayed up until 5 watching TV and trying to eat/drink. I didn't get out of bed until 2 today. At one point, I woke up wanting to die. I seriously wanted to get up and take a bunch of pills, and all I could do was stay in bed. All I could do was stay where I couldn't take anything and go back to sleep. So I haven't done a lot today. I am just trying to rest and take it easy.

To sleep perchance to dream

I dreamt about work last night. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. Several coworkers admitted to dreaming about work. One was pretty funny.. she said that they told her to find work in the lab because she wasn't able to answer the phone correctly. She went into the lab, and they were baking tarts.

My dreams were less funny. I claimed to not remember them because the only one I do remember was me talking to the medical director and him asking about the cuts on my wrist. In my dream, he asked about them and I showed him the scars on my arms.

I did go to work without a bandage on today. I did feel like people were staring at points, but I didn't care.

I was still preoccupied about the stuff with my supervisor. I did tell my coworker that I wanted to wait until she was there to tell the manager about it. I have told her some about the personal stuff because I know her from school. I told her the truth. I told her I don't trust the supervisor not to try to blame this on my mental health or personal issues. I don't trust him to try to make this about me. She kinda agreed and said to just keep an eye on him until Friday. She did say I could tell the manager some of it and hint at the fact that we needed to talk to her. She is one of the only ones who knows that certain decisions have been made to avoid causing me stress. That's why I am not shift lead. I assume it's why I don't do qc cases. They obviously trust me to since for a while they let me do the pull of unclosed cases with nobody else there to help, and the pull includes qc cases. When they added people to qc rotation, I assume that either they didn't want to increase my stress or they wanted me to be able to do other tasks. So she understands that he shouldn't be making me do them.

I talked to her about the reconfirmations and various things. I also explained the situation to the lead analyst. I mentioned what had happened. I mentioned him not getting reconfirmations done and making me do regular cases. I mentioned having to try to get him to understand that more than one person needed to work on them. She asked about how things are when she isn't there. I told her. I told her about having to handle everything. I mentioned things he doesn't do. I explained the things I have told him about that he hasn't communicated to anyone else. I didn't bring up my personal issues, but I did say that it causes me more stress. She agreed about talking to the manager. She asked me to tell her what I need mentioned to everyone about mistakes I am catching so she can bring it up in the meetings since my supervisor won't. I ranted about him not putting priority on reconfirmations, about him not being clear about what I am responsible for on days she isn't there. Am I lead or is he? If he is, then I am having to do his job. If I am, he isn't really telling me what to do. We talked a while about all this. I am happy she acknowledged that I should be able to tell someone these problems and have them dealt with. That I am in an awkward position where I tell him what is going on that shouldn't be, and he does nothing. She did seem to agree that the qc thing isn't reasonable. So I will let her know tomorrow what needs to be brought up in the meetings. I will send an email about what I have done this weekend that wasn't necessary. I will watch my supervisor Monday and Tuesday to see what I need to address. I probably won't say anything until Friday when I have someone to support me because I am afraid he will try to blame this on me not being able to cope with stress. I don't want to be the only one to bring it up because I don't want it to become about me.

So I hope I can manage. I will try to organize my thoughts. I will continue to make sure work gets done. I just want to make it clear that I am not the only one seeing this. I am not only saying something because I can't cope. I am not bringing it up because I am stressed. I am bringing it up because I am legitimately concerned that he doesn't take things seriously. I tried to explain to the lead how he doesn't seem to understand how many reruns there are. He doesn't understand how the mistakes people make only make them take longer. I honestly don't think he understands. Thankfully, she agreed. She validated all I have seen.

I really hate conflict. I hate that I have had to go to the manager repeatedly about my supervisor. He gets better for a while and then it goes bad again. I don't expect this job to be stress free, but I want him to do his job to avoid causing me unnecessary stress. He knows about my mental health issues and tells me to tell him if anyone is causing me stress, but the truth is that the person causing me stress is him. I don't expect to be stress free, but I know that his behavior increases the work I have to do. The lead said she worries about days she isn't there, and I have to do so many extra things when she isn't. The fact is that she was made lead to minimize my stress. I was lead. I was asked if I would prefer not to be, and I said yes. I don't know exactly what they told her, but that is what they asked me. So it defeats the purpose of this decision if when she isn't there I get asked to handle everything. The problem is that it has never been clearly communicated if I am in charge or the supervisor. If he is, then he isn't doing his job. If I am, then he isn't really letting me do it.

So I don't know what will happen. I am trying not to think about it too much and just work. I enjoy the weekend because the supervisor isn't there. Monday I will go back to observing how he acts. I probably won't mention anything until someone is there to support me. I don't want this to be about my stress because it is affecting everyone.

Tonight I hope not to dream about work. I want to actually rest. I want at least some time where work isn't all I think about.

Not surprised but still annoyed

So today has not been great. I ate lunch and went to Walmart, where I threw up lunch. So I was in a great mood before getting to work. We had a new person starting. I heard the trainer mention having her sit with me for a while, and apparently my facial expression was enough to change her mind. I just was anxious and feeling sick and couldn't handle being cheerful and teaching someone. I did apologize to the trainer later and explained that I was having a bad day and didn't feel well.

Unfortunately the whole reason I was talking to the trainer/my friend is that my supervisor is his old self again. I had noticed already. He has been snapping at people. He has been putting off qc cases. I have had to help close them. She pulled me aside to talk about it. I told her about some things he has done recently. I told her all she can do is talk to the manager again. None of us can change his behavior. We can only observe and try to get work done.

I hate this kind of drama. I honestly have been upset by his behavior, but I see no point in saying anything. I told her I was willing to go to the manager with her. I am regretting saying this. I am afraid that if I do and he realizes it, he might tell the manager about how I am doing. He probably wouldn't think of it as retaliation. He would be able to believe that I am only upset because I am stressed. I know this is paranoid, but I am worried.

I then got to try to manipulate him. He had told me he wanted me to close cases and that someone else would do reconfirmations. She didn't start until almost 11. I kept trying to hint that she needed help. He kept saying it was fine. I finally opened the rerun list while he was standing behind me and said look. This is how many there are. If they don't get done tonight, I will probably have to do them tomorrow. He finally agreed. I was in panic mode by then because of it. I was upset that he clearly hadn't been paying attention and not taking it seriously. He doesn't work weekends, but I do. I knew that by putting off reruns he was increasing the number I would be doing tomorrow. It would mean another anxious, panicked, busy weekend for me and he wouldn't be around for it. He wouldn't have to deal with it.

So I am frustrated. I am frustrated with him. I am frustrated that the other person didn't say she needed help or didn't start sooner. I am frustrated that he didn't assign me to the reconfirmations in the first place. I spent the day paranoid that there was some reason he didn't want me doing them because surely he wasn't clueless and was taking the number seriously. I don't know if he had a reason or is really clueless about how quickly they add up.

I think I may tell my friend that if she talks to the manager, I will back her up. I will provide evidence of what I have seen. I can show that I sent him cases last Friday and he didn't close them until Monday. I can show that I did at least 20 qc cases Monday even though I am not someone assigned to do qc cases. I don't want to be the one to bring it up because I don't want this to be viewed as me being stressed and complaining about having to help. I am able to do these things, but my life would be easier if I didn't have to. My life and everyone else's would be better if he took things more seriously. I told him about problems I have found doing reruns. I still had to email the daytime supervisor about things because I know he didn't tell her. It made me so anxious sending that email, but I was more scared of mistakes being made. He made excuses and said the analyst was having a bad day because he doesn't worry about anyone outside of our shift making mistakes because those are the ones that reflect poorly on him. I care about the patients and the doctors.

I am trying to relax tonight and let it go. I have been trying so hard not to fixate on what he isn't doing. I am so happy that he won't be there tomorrow.

Hopeless

I am struggling. Alive but struggling. I am exhausted. It has been so hard getting out of bed the past few days. I am sleeping, but I guess not well. Last night was weird. More than once I thought I heard someone knock on the door. The first time I stayed in the kitchen hoping if someone was there that they would go away. The second time I did go look after a couple minutes and nobody was there. I think maybe they knocked on a neighbor's door and my paranoid self immediately assumed it was mine. It is the weird thing about my apartment. I can hear anything outside my door very clearly but not through the walls. It doesn't help that Nermal's new thing is to sit in the window and meow loudly at anyone outside. She has always spied on the neighbors but now she sits and meows at them. Such a weird little cat. But it just puts me more on edge.

I had therapy today and it was hard. I am feeling very hopeless. My life is a mess. I told her some of it.. the not checking my email, not talking to friends, and that basically I only really function at work. That I am terrified that eventually I won't be able to function at work, and then I don't know what will happen. I am already so paranoid that people talk about me. I worry they see me pick at my skin and assume I am on drugs. I worry that they think that my anxiety is a sign I am not qualified for the job. I don't know of they realize how anxious I am. We're supposed to be introducing ourselves to people in other departments, and I haven't because I feel like that's just going to allow more people to judge me or gossip.

I think that people think I'm antisocial or mean or angry rather than realizing that I am scared. I am scared to walk into the lab. I am scared to have to talk to anyone other than the analysts. I have no logical reason to be so terrified, but I am. I have ceased to interact with people outside of work. I don't talk to friends. I only talk to my parents. I don't think anyone without this kind of anxiety can understand that it is scary to even have someone say hello to me.

I am failing at life. I have several things I need to do. I lost my debit card a few weeks ago and need to switch the payments for a hospital bill, my student loans, and my toll tag to the new card. Somehow I just can't. I can't open my computer to go online and do it. I sure as hell can't call. So I am risking ruining my credit score by avoiding it. I am not functioning.

I don't know what to do. I don't see a way out of this. I only see it getting worse.

I want to sleep for days in the hope of getting better. My body isn't cooperating. I am still throwing up some nights. We were supposed to be using the basketball hoop they got at work, and it's pathetic how week my arms are. I don't know if I am tired or maybe malnourished because of the alcohol. I struggled to carry my laundry basket to the car today. My mom bugged me about getting my oil changed and added more responsibility to avoid. I also need new tires.

So I am alive, but I don't really qualify as a functioning human being anymore. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to sleep. How did it get this bad? And how on earth do I fix it? Or have I gone to far to fix this? Because I only see it getting worse.

Sorry for being such a downer. I don't know how to be anything else right now. I am sorry if the long silence between posts worried anyone. I feel bad writing the same things again and again, but I will try not to disappear for so long between posts. I will try to write at least enough, so that you know I am alive.

Fine

I apologize for ranting so much lately. I don't really talk to people except at work, so I need someone to talk to.

I started today with therapy because she had to cancel last week. I normally have therapy on my day off. Having to go to work after is always rough. I am emotional and have to shut that down and work.

Well then this happened. I heard the manager and my supervisor talking quietly and obviously trying not to be overhead. All I heard was my supervisor say "I didn't overreact". Being paranoid and self centered, my first thought is that it was about our conversation last week about how I am doing. I didn't really trust him when he said it was off the record.

I tried not to give in to the paranoia, but I couldn't. I had been sitting with a trainee doing reconfirmations. I waited until he went back to his desk because he had been reading over my shoulder as I asked the supervisor about some things on the cases. I didn't like him doing it, but I was trying to be normal and try to train like I am not paranoid and awkward. He went back to his desk and I messaged my supervisor to ask if he told the manager what we discussed because I get worried. I don't trust him not to tell, but in the past he has been honest about telling people if asked. He said he didn't. He said he told her he talked to me, and I seemed fine. That he had told me to talk to him if anyone was causing me stress.

For some reason his answer was appropriate, but I doubt we interpret it the same way. I have spent so much time in treatment. I have been told fine is not a feeling. I have heard the acronym for fine

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

So I am fine, but I doubt in the way he meant. I think he means that I am well or better. I am not well. I am functioning. I am working. I am apparently doing well at that.

However, I am a mess. I live in a messy apartment. I don't talk to any of my friends. I work, I drink, and I sleep. That's it. I am anxious for the majority of the time. I am exhausted. I am not functional. I hate my life. I am neurotic. I pick at my skin. I cut. I have to force myself to eat and sleep.

So when he said I was fine, it seemed about right, but only if you have been trained to believe that word means nothing. I wonder what he believes. I doubt it is the same.

But is there any point in telling them? How does one ask for help when you believe nobody can help you? Why explain that you are always stressed when they can't do anything because the stress isn't logical.

So I don't ask for help. I cry for help. I pick. I cut my wrist. I shake. I hope that someone else knows what to do when I don't. I hope that someone asks because I don't know what to say. I hope they have ideas because I feel hopeless. I need someone else's hope. I need them to value me because I feel worthless. I just don't know how to tell anyone. I see no point.

So I obsess over conversations I don't have. I want to tell him that I am not fine or that fine means something very different. I instead worked. I told my therapist that I want my supervisor to take charge of things and not rely so much on me when the lead isn't there. What did I do? I told him what was going to happen. I assigned tasks. I gave a plate to the other analyst. I supervised the trainee pulling reruns and then told him which to get. I assigned the TNRs to them and interrupted to make sure he was trained properly by the other analyst. I decided what I could manage and told the supervisor to give the other analyst certain work. I basically did what I told my therapist I didn't want to do. I was lead analyst, and the manager took it away to minimize my stress. This was her idea. However when the lead isn't there, I still have to do it because otherwise things don't get done. He becomes focused on his job, and everyone comes to me for directions. I had to suggest that the trainee learn TNRs. I made sure they were done the best way (there's a whole other issue with the analyst training him and that). I gave the plate to the other analyst because I am faster at reconfirmations. I don't know how it would have gone if I just left it to the supervisor. Maybe he would have suggested the same. But I feel guilty not only for my work but for everyone else's. I feel bad if I didn't do enough or if I could somehow have helped them do more or better.

So I am tired. I am anxious. I am fine, but I am not well. I am drinking and cutting and watching TV in order to forget it all. I need help but don't think anyone can help me. So I am ranting. Now I should probably just go to bed.